Confession Chapter 25

Kate fidgets in a chair opposite Dr. Carter Burke, whose signature she'll need to return to work. "Are you feeling uncomfortable, Detective Beckett?" his almost impossibly deep voice asks.

"It's been a while since I talked to a psychologist."

"And when was that?"

"A few years after I joined the NYPD. I was so desperate to find out who killed my mother that I was working regular shifts as a cop and then investigating at night. And I was trying to take care of my father. He'd, um, reacted badly to her death."

"Reacted badly, how? Detective, anything you tell me is confidential. It doesn't leave this room. You know that. Reacted badly, how?"

"Drinking."

"Ah. It doesn't sound like your reaction was much better."

"It might have been worse. While I was a rookie, my training officer, Mike, understood. He cut me some slack to go after all my dead ends. But once I was off probation, no one was giving me any breaks, especially when I almost drove my unit onto the sidewalk because I couldn't stay awake. So my sergeant told me to get some help before I got bounced from the force. I was in therapy for three years. During that time I convinced myself to stop chasing ghosts and my father agreed to start going to AA meetings. It seemed like pretty much the same thing. We were both addicted."

"But then?" Burke prompts.

"But then I had a case involving a hit-man named Dick Coonan. Some evidence showed up that he had also killed my mother. Richard Castle, the writer I work with, had been trying to convince me to reopen my investigation. But I refused – until then. I wanted to know who hired Coonan. I had to shoot him before he could tell me. He died. But I kept looking. And then that man had me shot, which is how I ended up here."

"But you know who the man is?"

"I do," Kate says. "But he's the subject of an ongoing investigation I'm not allowed to discuss – even with you."

"All right," Burke allows. "We don't have to talk about that. But we do have to talk about you. You were shot. How are you coping with that?"

Kate unconsciously flexes her muscles. "I'm getting stronger. I'm following a training regimen."

"I'm glad to hear your physical recovery is going well, but that wasn't what I was asking. How do you feel about going back on the street, about possibly facing someone pointing a weapon at you?"

"I want to work, Dr. Burke. And I realize everything that entails."

"And how about your non-work life? Do you have a way to kick back, unload? Someone to unload on?"

"Castle and I have become, um, close."

"I see. And yet you call him by his surname. Why not Richard, or a short form like Rich or Rick?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "His mother calls him 'Richard.' He doesn't need to hear it from me. And I guess I've always thought of him as Castle, ever since I started reading his books."

"And when was that?"

"When I was nineteen after my mother was killed. She was a fan and I started reading them to feel close to her. Then I was hooked."

"And now you're with the author."

"I wouldn't be except that he had the mayor pressure the department to let him shadow me."

"Sounds like you both go after what you want."

"I guess that's true," Kate considers. "But right now what I want is to get back to work, as soon as my doctor gives Health Services his approval."

"And when is that supposed to be?"

"He said soon. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow to get an idea of the date. That is if you sign off too."

"Mmm-hmm. So aside from Mr. Castle, what's your support system?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're still working through trauma, Detective. Who's going to be there for you when you have a bad day – and you will – or you just want to vent?"

Kate supports her head with her hand. "My father's been sober for five years. He's always ready to listen. And my friend Lanie Parish, an ME, is a great sounding board. And two of the detectives I work with, Ryan and Esposito, always have my back."

Burke nods approvingly. "That's more than a lot of people have, Detective Beckett. All right, I'll sign off on this with the proviso that if you run into any issues returning to work, you'll come back so we can address them."

"All right," Kate agrees. "Thank you, Doctor Burke."

"Good luck, Detective."

"So, thumbs up?" Castle asks when Kate meets him at the coffee shop next door to the building housing Burke's office.

"As soon as Health Services signs off I can go back to work. But I'll have to go see the new captain, Gates, to get back on the roster."

"Oh. The last time I met up with the boys at the Old Haunt, I asked them about her. They gave each other looks and changed the subject."

"They haven't talked much about her to me either, except that Ryan commented she's very efficient and Esposito said they don't run out of paper towels in the bathroom anymore."

"So maybe she has a handle on Montgomery's struggles with the budget. I suppose there's something to be said for that."

"Maybe, but being able to handle a budget doesn't make her a good cop."

"You should be able to find out for yourself soon enough."

Kate drops her chin into her palm. "Yeah. Maybe it will be easier female cop to female cop than it is for the guys to deal with her."

"Captain Gates?" Kate inquires, clutching her paperwork and entering Montgomery's former office.

Gates looks over her reading glasses. "Detective Beckett?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Ma'am is my mother," Gates replies. "Call me captain or sir."

"Yes, Captain," Kate hurriedly replies. "I have the sign-off from my psych eval and my release from Health Services. I want to go back to work."

"Well, homicide can certainly use the help, Detective. Our closure rate needs to rise, and quickly. I understand you still have your badge."

"Yes, Ma – Sir."

"You've been on leave for two months. You'll need to requalify on the range before you can carry a weapon."

Kate gives silent thanks that she'd been going to the range enough to reacquaint her body with handling a recoil. "I can do that right now, Sir."

"Good. Bring me the paperwork before the end of shift and I'll start you back tomorrow. And Beckett, don't disappoint me. You were the youngest woman ever to make detective. You beat me by three weeks."

"I didn't know that anyone was keeping score, Sir."

Gates grabs her glasses from her nose and uses the folded frame to point at Kate. "The department keeps score of everything, Detective. So get yourself down to the range."

"Yes, Sir."

"How did your qualification go?" Castle asks, meeting Kate for lunch.

"Shooting still hurts a little," Kate admits. "But my shots were all in the center of mass. Captain Gates is returning me to duty first thing in the morning."

"Am I going to be returning with you?"

"When I went back to give Gates my target and my official results she was going through a stack of papers. She only gave me about thirty seconds before dismissing me. I didn't have time to ask. I figure when I have a case, I'll have a reason to ask for your, um, consulting services."

"My consulting services. I suppose that sounds better than shadow."

"Actually it was Ryan's idea to put it that way. Even when I return, we'll still be short-staffed. Apparently, there were some forms to increase our funding that should have been filed after Montgomery was gone. They never were. So until Gates can get things straightened out, she should be grateful for some free help."

"What did Esposito say?"

"That you shouldn't forget to bring more of the good coffee."

Castle dips a French fry in ketchup. "I will personally grind the beans as soon as I am granted entry."