Study's POV mentions abuse
Study Furado- The Poseidon Adventure D5F
This time, I was going to keep Wit safe. I was going to be a good friend and keep Wit safe. I could already see us in the finale (I wasn't sure what would happen once we were the final two, but that beside the point) and how he would look at me so proud and say I was a good friend for getting him so far. He'd been such a good friend, even when I yelled at him sometimes. He deserved to have me get him through to the end. I'd be a good friend and he'd like me and he wouldn't
call me worthless throw me against the wall tell me I was the worst decision she ever made
Just the part afterwards, where she apologized and said she hadn't known what she was saying, that I just made her so mad but she was better now and why don't we go out for ice cream?
Some part of me knew my mother would never look at me like Wit did, though another part of me knew just as hard that really she did love me, and she was just bad at saying it. But anyway, Wit wasn't my mother. He was a good friend and I was going to get him through this.
"For a little bit we can focus on water, but since this Games will likely be inside, we should mostly study the Careers so we know how to counter them," I said.
"Sounds good," Wit said, not really looking at me. "I kind of want to try the archery station, too. It just looks kind of cool."
It shouldn't have annoyed me that much. Wit just wanted to try something out. He wasn't saying I was stupid. He wasn't saying I didn't know anything and that my entire plan was a failure.
"I guess that's fine," I said, trying to keep my voice level. "It's just... you know, I lived a lot longer, so I know what I'm talking about."
Wit got that wide-eyed look he got when he didn't like something I'd said. "I didn't mean it like that! I just thought it looked fun."
"So now I'm the bad guy, ruining your fun? I'm sorry I want to get us out of here." My breath was starting to hitch in my chest. I felt like I was floating out of my body, just watching everything fall apart. I couldn't stop it, like it was someone else. If I just ran away, I wouldn't have to face what I was doing.
"It's okay-" Wit held up his hands in front of him.
"Maybe I should just go find someone else who doesn't think I'm a loser. Why do you always do this?!" I felt my fists tight at my side as the words tumbled into a scream.
Wit wavered- he actually wavered back and forth a little, like he was falling over. His eyebrows knitted and my heart lurched. I knew he hated me.
"Sometimes you're a bad friend." He said it softly, like it was something he should be apologizing for. He turned around and walked out of the training room.
Fine! Get out of here, Bloodbath fodder! I screamed after him. Please come back, I didn't mean it. Stupid! You're so stupid! I said I wouldn't do this anymore. I was going to be such a good friend. Why did you do this? God, I deserve better. Stupid, stupid...
Wit Castiglione- A Night to Remember D5M
"You're allying with Study?" Sky asked as we went over some elementary mechanics training. We both knew I wouldn't learn much in a few days, but for our private meetings it was the best she had to offer.
"Yeah, of course," I said.
"Oh," she said mildly.
"What?" I asked. She clearly had more to say but felt rude saying it.
"It's just, she doesn't treat you very well," Sky said, pointedly looking down at the circuit she was fiddling with.
"She just gets stressed sometimes," I said. I should have been more angry at her for talking about my friend like that, but it wasn't like she was lying. Study did have her flaws. We all did.
"My mom had this friend who used to say something sometimes," Sky said. "It was really funny, honestly, since she was usually super prim and demure. Anyway, she used to say, 'do you want a lot of cat shit on your toast, or just a little?'"
"What does that mean?" I was so confused I didn't even give the obvious answer.
"See, most people would say, 'I don't want any cat shit on my toast'," Sky said. "Which is best, a friend who mistreats you a lot, or a friend who mistreats you a little?"
A friend who doesn't mistreat me at all. I didn't want to say it.
"She doesn't mean to," I said.
"To torture a metaphor, cats don't mean for their shit to taste bad," Sky said.
"She wants to be a good friend," I insisted. I wished she was here to defend herself. I felt bad talking about her like this, even if I was trying to defend her.
"No one's entirely bad, just like no one's entirely good. I just think when she acts like that, you should set your boundaries," Sky said. She looked up at the model engine I was taking apart. "Oh, you've got these parts mixed up."
"I'm sorry," I said quickly. I hunched forward, struggling to get the two parts to click before she got frustrated.
"It's okay. Try like this." Sky demonstrated a twisting motion on two other parts. I mimicked her and the parts clicked into place.
"There you go. You got it," Sky said encouragingly. Just like that, I thought of the last time Study reacted so mildly to a mistake. I thought a long, long time back...
"Maybe I should just go find someone else who doesn't think I'm a loser. Why do you always do this?!"
I looked at Study as she stood in front of me, leaning forward and almost spitting in anger. I hadn't even messed up. I'd just said archery looked fun. How was everything personal to her, even when it wasn't even bad? She kept saying she'd change, but it never, ever stuck.
"Sometimes you're a bad friend," I said, and I walked away.
Max DeLoria- Swing Vote D6M
It took two days before I was ready to approach him. I didn't believe at first. It had to have been a stunt by the Gamemakers. For Castiel to believe what he did and get away with it, it just wasn't possible.
It was Lancia who confirmed it. She paled a little when I asked her, and gave a quick little smile in spite of herself.
"He's... eccentric, yes," she said, refusing to say anything else when I pressed.
Castiel was at the water station when I finally went up to him. Wasn't that just poetic?
"So, you believe in God?" I asked.
"Yeah!" he said immediately, smiling and without a glance at the cameras studded into the wall. "Why, you wanna talk about it?" he added more quietly.
"Well..." I was disarmed by the seeming ease of his convictions. He really believed, after all this? "Sort of."
"Let's ask Gabriel, too," Castiel said.
We found him at the orienteering station. "Hey, Gabriel," Castiel said, waving. "You want to talk about something really important?" Out of sight of the screen on Gabriel's wrist, Castiel waggled his eyebrows at the "really important".
Gabriel nodded enthusiastically and turned off his wrist screen. That in itself wouldn't attract attention, since Tributes talked about private things all the time. We headed to the roof, where the ambient background noise would drown us out if we were quiet enough, stopping for Gabriel to grab some paper from his room.
"So you two really still believe in God?" I asked once we were situated.
"100%," Castiel said.
Gabriel wrote on his paper. Allah is God. He showed us the paper for a minute, then tore it to shreds and ate the pieces.
"What about all the bad things religious people have done?" I asked.
"They are bad," Castiel said, looking grim. "I think they'll get punished for them. I also think God is even greater for loving us even though we do so much wrong."
Gabriel wrote on his paper. Most of them do bad things because they want to and they also happen to be religious.
"When I was growing up, it seemed like all our church was, was giving the people in charge what they wanted," I said. "Multiple wives for the men but not multiple husbands for the women, listening to your elders but never getting listened to," My voice raise a little as I got passionate and I forced it back down to a whisper. "Hitting kids if they messed up reciting a rule. Telling them they were never good enough."
This is why it's important to read the Quran for yourself, Gabriel wrote.
"Pretty much," Castiel agreed after we read the note. "Teachers are important but ultimately your soul is your own." Gabriel nodded.
Your soul is your own. I liked that. After all the rules, and the books, and people pulling you one way or the other, the choice was yours. Mr. Moon could smack me with a ruler when I missed a question, or throw me out of the congregation if I talked back to him, but my soul wasn't his jurisdiction. In the end it was me and God, whoever that may or may not be.
"Nothing's changed your mind?" I asked one last time.
"I'm in this race until the end," Castiel said, shaking his head.
Gabriel wrote once more.
So remember me, I will remember you.
Emmeline Blythe- Over and Over D3F
I should have my entire mind on the Games. Already I'd thought through several potential Arenas, drawing up plans and strategies for each one. Acee and I had been running simulations and sifting through chemical formulas to memorize. I'd been dabbling in random things in the training room, giving the impression that I was just aimlessly and halfheartedly trying things out, so people didn't think I was being secretive by only training in private. I had everything locked down, it seemed. But one thing kept nagging at me. One silly, emotional thing.
She's probably going to think I'm crazy. I wasn't even sure we were supposed to remember it. My own memories of Titian's special fun were far hazier than they should be. I'd been watching all the others and they weren't showing the trauma we certainly should have for what we'd been through. Surely after I was gone, things got even worse. Ferrari made sense- she didn't appear able to process trauma- but the others? No, I was pretty sure the secret Games had been erased, and it was just through incompetence or some mental divergence that I remembered what I did.
Ferrari and Katrina were playing at the spears station when I finally got the courage to approach. They weren't really training, just sort of messing around and taking some time off. I felt bad for disturbing them.
"Hey," I said, not sure how to continue.
"Hey, what's up?" Ferrari said. Katrina looked confused, probably since I wasn't sure I'd spoken a single word to her before, whether or not she remembered Titian.
"I have a really weird question. Sorry it's so weird," I said. I took a breath. "Do you remember the snakes?"
Katrina gasped. Her eyes shot over to Ferrari, who nodded.
"Pretty sure he left us since we pissed him off so bad. Not really looking forward to how that effects me going forward, but oh well," Ferrari said.
I looked away for a moment before forcing myself to look at Emmeline. "The snake that bit you, I knew it wasn't venomous." I sighed with regret. "I should have told you." It was such a stupid thing to get hung up on. I didn't have time for things like this. Something in me wouldn't let it drop, though. I didn't harbor rebellion or wish I could have showed up Titian. Something in me, something I wasn't brave enough to say or act on, just told me that there was right and there was wrong, and that humans had value enough to honor that. I should have lived up to that, and my soul felt the guilt my mind denied.
"Why didn't you?" Ferrari asked before Katrina could get a word in.
I tried to remember the answer I'd put together. "At first I didn't even think about it. Then I guess I thought Titian would get mad." I should have said the third thing. I should have said, "and in my heart I knew you'd be easier to beat if you were more stressed". But I let it die unsaid. It took a little away from my contrition, I reflected, that I sought forgiveness but didn't reveal everything.
"We were all scared. I don't think we can blame each other for much." Katrina flashed a look at Ferrari and they both wilted at something that must have happened after I'd died. She looked back at me and smiled. "Kind of messed up, yeah. But it's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it."
"Thanks," I said. I wanted to say something more but suddenly noticed how out of place I felt next to her and Ferrari. They were friends, and they were friendly people, and I was... not. I was the cold, smart one. I needed to get away and get my head back in the game.