Kaidan's thoughts were moving a million miles per minute. Something wasn't right; and there were gaps in the narrative that he didn't understand. There was a lot of context missing, and he desperately scoured his mind to try and find the missing pieces.
Something happened at that Collector Base; whatever happened clearly had such an effect on Kacey that it caused her to have sleeping difficulties. Garrus kept eluding to a particular event that could've caused it, but never uttered a word to the biotic. It seemed that something else had occurred between then and the Normandy being impounded, given the secrecy around Kacey's arrest. It appeared that nobody knew why she was under house arrest aside from Anderson, Hackett and Kacey herself. Following that, however, he started to notice a pattern.
Upon her reinstatement, Kacey seemed to avoid him at all costs. Naturally. The last time the pair spoke before the war was on Horizon, and despite Kaidan sending an email to try and clear things up a bit, the damage was done. Kacey avoided his gaze and kept things strictly professional; any friendly or intimate behaviour between them was erased and the pair's relationship nearly went back to square one. Back to when they constantly argued and were at each other's throats. What he had said on Mars was harsh. While some of it were justifiable questions, other parts were downright hostile. He had questions, of course he did, but looking back, he could've handled it better.
After the coup, it seemed that Kacey had reverted back to her old self; a wise-cracking smartass who was a bit too charismatic and crazy for her own good. So what if the odds of survival are slim? Kacey didn't give a damn and would go out of her way to prove otherwise. Can't make a landing in the Mako on Ilos? She and Joker did it anyway. Can't talk the bad guy into surrendering? Kacey got through to Saren at such a level the turian shot himself to stop himself from becoming more of slave. Can't talk Wrex down from shooting you? Angry krogan be dammed. Kacey didn't care; it was her way, or the highway and the highway doesn't exist.
For a few moments, Kacey kept the persona up. That was who she is, right?
Wrong.
The warning signs were clear the moment they landed on Lessus. It was so painfully clear. Despite the banter, she was clearly affected by seeing the Banshees. Despite Garrus' teasing, she still looked away. Even on Gellix, she avoided the topic. Once they had reconciled however, that had gone away. But her sleeping difficulties had persisted and had gotten worse. She was making mistakes. And the situation with her helmet didn't do anything to alleviate his fears.
It was like she was worried it was going to come loose. She kept attaching and re-attaching the latches on her helmet, taking huge, deep breaths when in a stable, oxygen filled enviorment, and expressed an unusual unease when hearing they were venturing out into the vacuum of space. For someone who was born and raised in space, Kacey's behaviour was confusing to say the least. And what was weirder was that this had never happened before. When they were on Luna or even chasing down criminals and pirates on planets with no oxygen, she never displayed that type of behaviour. Something was missing; something she wasn't telling him.
Maybe she was just trying not to worry him? Kaidan had a lot to be worried about when it came to Kacey. He had already lost her once; he didn't want to lose her again. But she was always taking risky stunts and doing stupid shit. Always. It was part of her charm.
"Huh, that's odd." Joker muttered, bringing Kaidan back to reality.
"Joker?" Kaidan questioned, "What's wrong?"
"I was just checking Kacey's suit vital readings." Joker explained, "I thought her response to having to walk along that tube was suspicious so I'd figured I'd check her suit's vital readings and…well you should probably see this yourself."
Joker pulled up the screen with the readings; what was displayed was concerning. Heightened adrenaline accompanied by a rapid heartbeat. The other signs weren't too positive either. Tali looked over at the readings as well.
"It's like she's on the verge of a panic attack." Tali said surprised, "Her stress levels are through the roof."
"Right? That's what I thought." Joker said.
"Kaidan, you need to get on the comms, right now." Tali said as she wheeled around to face the biotic.
"And say what? That she can read the Illusive Man's mind?" Joker quipped, "I think Kaidan would just stress her out more, those two still aren't on good terms."
"But they are." Tali said confused before Kaidan could say anything, "They're back together."
Joker turned his chair around, "Wait WHAT?! Since when?!"
"Since the day Kacey went to Bryson's lab for the first time." Kaidan replied, sheepish.
"Holy shit!" Joker said, "I knew it! Donnelly owes me 100 credits now."
"You're also the last person to know." Kaidan said.
"Seriously? Who was the first?"
"Garrus."
"Of course, it was him."
"Uh, are you two done?" Tali interrupted, "Kacey is still out there, and her vitals aren't getting any better."
"I'll radio through." Kaidan said, "EDI can you set up a private line between my radio and Shepard's?"
"Of course, one moment." EDI said, "Done. Change over, using your omni-tool."
Kaidan did as he was instructed and moved away from the Joker, Tali, and EDI, standing just outside the airlock in the decontamination section.
"Kacey? Kacey are you there?"
"Kaidan?" Kacey said as she took a quick breath, "EDI told me to change over the frequency. What's going on?"
She was clearly trying to sound a lot more confident than she was at that moment. Kaidan knew getting the truth could be difficult. Kacey was a very private person and a part of him didn't want to pry; but he was getting worried.
"It's a private line, just between the two of us." Kaidan replied calmly, "No Joker, no EDI. Nobody but you and me. Joker checked your suits vital signs."
"Shit." Was all he heard Kacey say.
"Kacey, talk to me." Kaidan said, "How are you feeling, right now? Truthfully?"
Kacey paused before sighing, "I'm scared."
It came out so quick, Kaidan had to do a double take; had he heard that right? Scared? Commander Kacey Shepard—scared? It would've been hard to believe but given what he was seeing with his own eyes, he could very much believe it.
"You're scared?" He questioned.
"Yeah, and I know that doesn't sound like me, but its true." Kacey replied, taking quick and short breaths, "I am scared. As hard as that is to believe."
"You're human. Everybody is scared of something." Kaidan replied, "Just…take a deep breath, and tell me why you are feeling scared."
"I can't take a deep breath," Kacey said in a defeated tone, "I'm scared of…suffocating….out here…again…"
She trailed off. It was starting to make sense to Kaidan.
"Okay. That explains why you seemed hesitant to head out on your own." Kaidan mused, "And why you keep playing with your helmet. You're worried its going to come loose and…you'll suffocate in the vacuum of space, right?"
"Yeah…" Kacey said after a long pause, "That's kind of what happened last time."
"Last time?"
"On the first Normandy." Kacey said, her voice shaking, "After Joker got in the escape pod…there was an explosion. Something blew up behind me, it sent me flying as the escape pod launched…then I was floating through space. But something felt…off."
Kaidan could tell where her train of thought was going. He took a deep breath as she continued.
"I couldn't breathe, Kaidan." Kacey said hesitantly, her voice shaking and unstable, "I couldn't breathe, no matter how hard I tried to. I heard the air leaving my suit…it was punctured in the back somewhere. I…I tried to stop it but…but I couldn't. It felt like a pillow was being pressed against my face. I couldn't breathe, I panicked. Gasping for the last breaths of air…but I ran out. It was gone. I was gone."
"Kacey I…" Kaidan didn't know how respond to that.
"You know how you said your life flashed before you on Mars?" Kacey said cynical, "It was the same for me in that moment. I saw every choice I made, every action, every consequence…the people I saved…and the people I left to die. I saw it all…all before it faded to black. The last thing I saw…was the dark abyss of space…with all those stars…and the planet nearby. I can't unsee that. I always feel it when I'm out like this now. Right now, I feel like I'm going to suffocate again, like I'm going to die again, like the air I'm breathing right now is just going to disappear…and everything will fade to black again. That's why I'm scared."
"You're scared of dying in space." Kaidan mused, "Dying a slow and painful death alone."
Kacey gave a small mirthless laugh, "You really can read me like an open book, can't you?"
"I know you well enough." Kaidan replied, "But you're not alone this time. We won't let that happen again, Kacey. I won't let it happen again."
"You sound confident."
"I am. This time, it won't happen again." Kaidan said, "If you get into any trouble along that tube, I'm coming out there to get you, and you can't make me go away otherwise."
"Even if it puts you in danger?"
"We're always in danger, Kacey. And you aren't doing this on your own. Not anymore." Kaidan replied, determined, "You can talk to me about these things. I've got your back Kacey, no matter what. And so does the rest of the crew."
"Thanks, Kaidan." Kacey said, a little calmer.
"Now then, try and take some deep breaths." Kaidan said, "Your helmet is perfectly secure. And it's not going away anytime soon."
"Okay. Okay." Kacey said as she took some deep breaths, "Okay. Should we switch back over to the regular frequency?"
"Yeah, we probably should." Kaidan said as he returned to the bridge, "Just think about what I said."
"I will, Kaidan. Don't worry." Kacey replied.
As Kaidan approached the bridge, Tali looked over at him and Joker spun round again. Joker looked a bit concerned as he showed Kaidan the screen again.
"Looks like she's a lot better now." Joker said, "Is she okay?"
"She's a bit better now." Kaidan replied vaguely.
"That's good to hear, even if it's a bit vague." Joker mused.
"What we were talking about was pretty personal." Kaidan replied in defence, "I don't think Kacey wants to have that conversation with everyone."
"Okay, fair."
"No wonder the quarians were having trouble." Kacey mused over the main comms, "That ship is enormous."
"It is thirty percent larger than an Alliance dreadnought." EDI explained.
"Tali, you're going to like the view."
"Better than the vid?" Tali asked.
"Much."
"How are you doing, Kacey?" Tali asked.
"The lack of gravity is a little disorienting." Kacey replied.
"The dreadnought has artificial gravity. You should be okay once you're on board."
"Until then, I'll make do with mag-boots."
"Hey, take your time Commander." Joker quipped, "We're fine until they, you know, look out a window."
"Geth don't use windows, remember?" Kacey retorted, "Structural weakness."
"Like the geth are just sitting there saying, "Those organics would never try the no-windows thing twice!""
Kacey laughed before adding, "I'll explain that later Kaidan."
"I thought you'd say that." Kaidan replied.
"Speaking of Kaidan, why wasn't I told you two got back together?" Joker said, "Kacey I'm offended."
"Joker, do you remember last time?" Kacey replied, "With the jokes and the sly comments and the whole 'I'm gonna watch this on the camera' thing?"
"Oh yeah that!" Joker said, "I nearly forgot about that!"
"How do you forget saying that you're going to watch two of your superiors banging each other for "Science"?"
"Don't forget the whole "How did these two fall for each other" thing." Tali added.
"Shit, yeah I nearly forgot about that." Kacey said.
"Same here." Kaidan said, "You called me a 'stiff, stringent piece of tofu' if I recall."
"Yeah, and I was just a 'batshit crazy smartass'." Kacey added.
"Okay you know what? That's fair." Joker said, "Fair eno—"
"Fuck! Holy shit!"
"Kacey?! You okay?" Kaidan asked worried.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Kacey said, "Looks like you two won't be using the docking tube. It's broken off. Scared the shit outta me for a sec!"
"So, I'm guessing you'd rather not solo the dreadnought?" Joker said.
"Well…"
"Wait are you actually considering it!?" Joker said.
"I mean, it could be interesting…"
"Kacey, for all that is good in this universe please don't attempt to solo the dreadnought."
"Thanks, mom."
"I'll look through the dreadnought's schematics and see if I can find another docking tube." Tali suggested.
"Aww, but I wanted to solo the dreadnought!"
"Commander, it would not be advised that you attempt this mission yourself." EDI added.
"You guys are no fun." Kacey mused.