***Content Warning: This chapter contains a sexual situation.

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Ch. 12 - A Stupid Question

Remus usually enjoyed the rain, but not today.

He walked home from the meeting without an umbrella or umbrella charm and let the droplets rise him clean of the past two days. It wasn't entirely pleasant and was more like getting pelted than getting purified, but he felt compelled to suffer through it anyway. The nap and the food in his stomach had alleviated some of the morning-after illness: his chills had subsided, but the aches were still relentless and the frigid rain made his joints even more sore. Perhaps he'd have a hot shower before bed, and if he was lucky, maybe he would just melt away down the drain.

Upon reaching his house, he was greeted by a shrill screech from somewhere overhead. He squinted up in the lamplight to find a distinguished barn owl perched underneath the eaves of his roof. Strange...it looked rather like Emmeline's owl. He waited for it to swoop down and drop off a letter for him, but it did not; it merely remained in its spot, cleaning its feathers. Perhaps just a regular, non-postal owl.

When he went to let himself inside, he noticed the form of another person through the window. Wand drawn, he entered the house and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw who was standing in his living room.

"Emmeline!" he exclaimed, shoving his wand away. She looked just as startled by his presence as he did by hers. "I nearly stunned you."

"Hi," she greeted him nervously. "I'm sorry, I just...I let myself in…"

"Yes, I can see that…"

"...You're drenched." She pointed out the water pooling around him on the floor, but he was scarcely paying attention.

"Yes well I...Sorry, is everything alright?" he asked, half pleased to see her and half perplexed. She was standing in front of a trunk and a suitcase Remus had never seen before.

Emmeline, whose hair had become unruly, wiped her hands nervously on the sides of her pants. She began a few fumbling sentences, but then would have to stop and start over. "I was just...Well, I...erm...You left so fast and…" Damn it. She'd been sitting here for nearly thirty minutes coming up with things to say to him, and now she had forgotten everything she rehearsed. She covered her face with her hands while she figured out a way to convey what she came to convey to him. That's when he noticed.

"What's happened to your engagement ring?"

She looked up, a bit relieved that he had broken the ice on that topic. "...I actually gave it back to Tiberius this afternoon..."

"You-...Oh," he uttered, flabbergasted. She gave him back the ring. She gave him back the ring. Remus felt as though his heart had leapt up into his mouth. "And you...came here."

"Yes, well...I thought about going to Marlene's. I still could, if you want, but first I-"

"Why did you come here?" he asked candidly.

She chewed her lip. "...Okay," she began, giving up on the pretenses. "I don't want to marry Tiberius. I thought I did, before I...before we...but I don't. So...I'm not going to. He wasn't very happy about it, and that's putting it mildly, but there's not much to be done about that now. I don't exactly know why I came straight here, because I wasn't really thinking clearly, but I knew I had to talk to you so I didn't bother taking my things elsewhere, which, now that I think about it, was rather presumptuous of me...I'm realizing now that I did not plan this very well...look, I just...I need to ask you a question, and before I do, I want you to know that regardless of your answer, I'm glad that I ended my engagement and I stand by the fact that it was the right thing to do. But what I'm really trying to ask is…" She heaved a sigh. "What I'm really trying to ask is do you still want me?"

Remus just blinked at her. "Wh-...Do I still want you?"

His lack of an affirmative response caused Emmeline to ramble in defense. "I know you're probably still angry with me, and I don't blame you, I'm still angry with myself, but I just had to ask because I spent so much time thinking you would move on that it never occurred to me that you might still want to be together, which you might not, that's completely understandable too, and I brought all my things here which was stupid because I don't even know if you do, and even if you did then this would all be moving rather quickly for me to bring my things-"

Remus dashed forward, took her face in his hands, and kissed her hard.

His muscle memory did not fail him, and his lips easily found their habitual spot against hers. Emmeline was so gobsmacked that it took her a few moments to register what was happening. When she finally did, she grabbed the lapel of his dripping jacket to pull him closer, undeterred by the fact that this dampened her own clothes.

He held on for a long time, only pulling away to say:

"How could you think even for a moment that I would not still want you?"

Emmeline let out a sigh of relief and beamed, then they got right back to kissing. Vigorously. Remus pushed her up against the nearest wall, sliding her coat off of her before shedding his own jacket. She yanked his hips up against hers. Oh, hello.

"Remus," she said breathlessly.

He wondered if he had done something wrong. "Yes?"

"Take me upstairs," she demanded, hurriedly unbuttoning his soaked shirt. There were all those scars she had so missed.

Miraculously, he forgot all about his fever and his aches.

He did not delay in leading her up the stairs. Once in his room he guided her down onto the unmade bed and eagerly climbed on top of her as her insistent hands pulled him against her lips and her hips. Hardly missing a beat, he pinned her arms above her head and lifted off her shirt, intending to kiss her all the way up her torso. It wasn't until he saw the bandages that he remembered he'd nearly killed her last night.

"Oh, damn it all!" he cursed, immediately scrambling off the bed. "I'm sorry, I can't believe I didn't think of your injury. I just got carried away..." Emmeline had this ability to make him forget what he was to the point of fault. It had only been twelve hours ago that he'd sworn off love and happiness and all that nonsense for the good of mankind, and yet here he was ready to swan dive into her knickers as if none of it had made any difference.

She reached for him, disgruntled that he'd stopped. "No no no, I'm fine! I can't even feel anything anymore! Look, see for yourself." She began unwinding the bandages.

"Wait, don't," he protested, attempting to stop her, but the bandages came off before he had the chance to intervene. He stared at where the four lacerations had been, only able to recognize their original spots from the thin pink lines that were there now. Wow. The silver and dittany had done the trick, and the wonders of magical medicine never ceased to amaze him.

He hardly had time to object as Emmeline latched onto his belt and pulled him back on top of her, undoing his buckle and trousers. "Don't think, just do."

"...Beg pardo-ghuahh!" Her hand had snaked down his pants, turning the end of the word "pardon" into a gasp.

"Nevermind," she laughed, lifting her head to meet his gasp with a hungry kiss.

…

The waning moon peering through the window was their only source of light in the room.

Neither of them spoke at first, as they had finally slowed down enough for Remus to process what had just happened. Physically, it was as though she'd never been gone; their rhythm and receptivity to one another had not seemed to have suffered at all, and if it had, they'd been in too much of a hurry to notice. Remus remembered that when he and Emmeline were first becoming intimate, it had taken them a little while to get used to each other and even longer to get used to themselves at that level of vulnerability. Eventually they'd found a tempo together, and apparently it stuck. He felt like he'd just listened to his favorite song again after not hearing it for ages. He'd never sought out a new one to enjoy in the meantime. He'd only ever heard this one. He'd only ever wanted to hear this one.

After regaining his breath, Remus looked down at her, nestled up against his chest and still quivering, astonished that she was there. With him. He was not astonished by how perfectly lovely she looked, as this was a given.

He reached up to push the wild hair out of her face, then planted an exquisitely gentle kiss above her brow bone. "I've missed this," he whispered against her forehead.

She turned her face up to him, the most content she'd been in the last ten months and seventeen days, and began tracing the line of his jaw with her thumb. "I've missed you." Her hand traveled up to his glistening forehead. "You're a bit warm, are you feeling alright?"

"That's the second stupidest question you've asked me today." Body aches and fever be damned. No measure of eloquence could describe just how blissful that had just been.

"Touché."

But Remus' satisfaction was soon overshadowed by one, bothersome thought: something he hadn't yet had the chance to say but couldn't put off any longer, and he suspected it would likely spoil the evening.

"Emmeline?"

"Hmm?"

"...I'm so sorry...about the pregnancy..." He wasn't sure how best to finish the statement and the appropriate words eluded him. In a strange way he felt culpable, as he had been a part of creating that life with her, but verbalizing this was difficult. Though she was still looking up at him Emmeline did not respond at first, and Remus' suspicion that he'd chosen an inopportune time to discuss the topic was confirmed. James had once told him that his brain had a knack for getting in the way and ruining the moment. He was preparing to change the subject when she finally did reply:

"You're not the one who should be apologizing," she said as she sat up to face him and hugged her knees to her chest. "It was something that involved the both of us, and I took away your say in the matter when I left, which was wrong."

"I'm still not sure why you chose not to tell me," he confessed sadly, reaching out to brush his fingers along the fresh scars on her ribcage. He was having to ignore the voice in his head which told him "Look what you've done to her. It's because you're a monster, and nobody could ever be proud of mating with the likes of you."He had to remind himself that Emmeline, despite everything, would not be here in bed with him if she thought he was a monster. Jury was still out on his own opinion of the matter.

Emmeline didn't even think she had figured out why, but she tried to articulate her best guess. "I think...perhaps...I thought I was making the best choice for the safety of…" She swallowed hard to rid herself of the lump rising in her throat. "And I thought that if I told you, you would have come away with me."

Remus didn't say anything in response. He would've liked to have said of course; of course he would have been the faithful, heroic partner and whisked her and the unborn child away to safety. But Remus was not very heroic in his own mind, and to be honest, the thought of having his own children frightened him for several reasons. Truthfully, he didn't know what he would've done.

"And your place was here," Emmeline continued. "With the Order. With your friends. Fighting by their side."

"So was yours."

Emmeline shook her head. "To be an effective soldier you have to be willing to lay down your life for the people you're fighting alongside without hesitation. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but I know my ability to do that vanished as soon as I found out I had this...other life I was responsible for. Then, after the other life was gone, I suppose I felt so guilty for whatever went wrong that I didn't think I could possibly return to my own life, the one I had before it. So I figured I'd just start again somewhere else, which is undeniably selfish, I know. I don't say any of this to excuse my actions, I just..."

"I know that," he assured her, adjusting himself so he was sitting up too. "Just...go on. I want to hear. You've kept it inside for too long and I think it's time you let it out."

She felt understood, and for that she was grateful. "With Tiberius...After the miscarriage, my mind was...well, I wasn't in a good place. I just felt so worthless and unimportant, and I wanted to be important to somebody again. But I wasn't important to him in the right way. I didn't see it earlier, but over the last few days it sort of clicked." She untucked her knees from her chest and reached out to take his hands. "I'm sorry for so many things, but above all, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to just find me gone and have no idea why. I don't know what I would've done if it had been me. Remus I truly thought-"

"That you were replaceable," he finished her sentence for her. "You said you'd figured I'd moved on."

"...Yes," she admitted.

Remus studied her face for a long while. He had absolutely no idea what this woman saw in him, nor could he comprehend why she was under the impression that she was the expendable one here. He'd never really allowed himself to want much in life, because he knew he probably wouldn't get much from it. But he wanted her, wasn't it so agonizingly obvious? He'd always wanted her, and he'd always been terrified by just how much, because when you want only one thing very badly and it gets taken away, it can dismantle your entire spirit. He wanted her, and when she left, he figured she was just another thing on a long list of things he couldn't have. But she was back now, with him, in his bed, even though he'd scarred her skin, and he wanted her and no one else. How could she not have known? How could she have doubted for a moment?

Then, lifting her hands and kissing them ardently, he said: "...And that was perhaps the biggest mistake you made. Because you're not replaceable, Emmeline Vance. Not to me."

The lump that had been in her throat earlier came back twofold, and Emmeline leaned in to kiss him deeply, smiling against his lips as tears ran down her cheeks. She'd forgotten what it felt like to be cherished.

Remus wiped her tears, and as they settled back into their previous posture with Emmeline curled up against his chest, she began to trace her fingers over all his scars. Perhaps it would all be too much if she came right out and said she still loved him. She didn't know it, but Remus was thinking the same thought, and decided they'd had enough overwhelming conversations for the day, possibly the month. No, he'd save the L word for another time.

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"...Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive me?"

He resisted the urge to point this out as the third stupidest question of the evening. So many silly questions from such a brilliant, brilliant woman.

"I forgive you," he said without hesitation, kissing the top of her head again. "I forgave you forty eight hours ago."

They heard a tapping on the window - Orpheus wanted out of the rain. Emmeline climbed off of Remus and wrapped herself in a quilt that had fallen off the mattress to let the owl inside before shutting the window again. He fluttered up to the top of the wardrobe.

"That used to be his favorite spot in our old place," Remus observed, smiling nostalgically.

Emmeline got back into bed, but sat up across from him again in a very business-like manner (or, as business-like as one can seem while naked save for a quilt). "What do you say we give this another go?" she proposed.

"...The...sex? Or-"

"This. Us. You and me."

Stifling the joy that bubbled up inside of him proved difficult, but Remus didn't want to scare her off. "Well, you've already moved your things here, so I suppose," he teased.

She jabbed him in the arm. "Let the record show that I fully plan on giving the sex another go, too."

"Delightful. We're on the same page, then." They laughed a bit, then Remus sat back up and pulled her into his lap. "...I know you said it's a bit fast, and maybe it is...but would you like to stay here?" he offered her seriously. "With me?"

This was crazy. They must have been crazy. But it didn't feel all that crazy.

It finally felt like she had come back.

"...Could I?"