Chapter 30 - But the Moon Could Not Have Him
Remus woke up late on the morning of the fifteenth with a fever and a throbbing migraine. At least there was no nausea this time around.
He'd tossed and turned all night, and was sure he'd ruined Emmeline's night's sleep as well as his own before finally succumbing to slumber at dawn. Every ruddy month he woke up with the same uneasiness, and wished he could go back to bed and sleep through the transformation. Begrudgingly, he dragged himself out from under the covers and sulked to the bathroom to splash water in his pallid face. Studying himself in the mirror, he reaffirmed his hypothesis - he always thought he looked a bit more canine when the full moon was near.
The scent of warm, savory things lured him down the stairs where Emmeline, bed-head and all, was enchanting the last of the pots and pans to clean themselves. The kitchen table was covered in food. Remus smiled at her gratefully.
"Good morning!" she chirped, checking her watch. "Or afternoon, rather."
He kissed her on the cheek then proceeded to the table where he pulled out a chair for her. "You are an absolute wonder, Emmeline Vance."
"I wasn't sure if you'd feel up to eating, but I know you'll skip dinner tonight so maybe you ought to try."
"At this rate we'll have leftover breakfast until the next full moon."
"I suppose I did go a bit overboard this time around."
"I thought you had a shift at the bookshop this morning."
"Not on weekends."
"Good Lord, it's a wonder I don't miss my potion every month. I'm rubbish at keeping track of the days."
"Speaking of your potion..." She slid a goblet with his final dose of Wolfsbane across the table. Reluctantly, he lifted the cup to his lips and began draining its contents in large gulps. Wolfsbane was vile stuff; the potion had a viscous, mucus-like consistency, and tasted like bitter herbs and salty cough medicine. As soon as he finished the concoction, Remus snatched up his mug of tea and a sausage to rid his mouth of the putrid flavor.
"Does that ever get any easier?" Emmeline asked, gnawing on a piece of toast.
He grimaced with his mouth full. "Not as much as I would like it to" Without the potion, he usually woke up on days like today without an appetite. Thankful that this was not the case today, he filled up his plate with scrambled eggs, a few more sausages, fried tomatoes, and toast. He would leave the scones, raspberry jam, and bacon for his second course. "I spoke to James yesterday. They have the spare bedroom made up for you to stay in tonight. Lucky they haven't converted it to the nursery yet..."
Emmeline looked up from her coffee and puzzled at Remus.
"You should probably start making your way over there at about three or four, just in case. The sun sets early this time of year."
"Why would I go stay with Lily and James?"
Well...it was obvious, wasn't it?
"...Because you'll sleep better, and it'll be safer."
"But you've taken your potion."
"Be that as it may, I don't want to risk a repeat of last month. I would feel much better if you weren't in the house tonight."
"...And I would feel much better staying here with you," she countered, looking in his eyes. He almost wanted to escape her gaze.
"Why would-...no, I really don't think that's a good idea. Besides, I'm sure you've inferred this, but it's not at all pleasant."
"I understand that, but since you're going to be calm...you're going to think me strange, but I want to be here for it."
As the one who went through the relentlessly painful mutation each month, Remus could not fathom why anybody would desire to be present for it. The first time James, Sirius, and Peter saw his change, they'd expected some heroic metamorphosis. They were horrified to learn that, as Remus had warned them, it wasn't like transfiguring into an animagus form; it was an excruciating and grisly process. "I don't think you're strange, I think you're insane."
"I haven't been here since you've started on the Wolfsbane," Emmeline explained. "Before you had it, you used to take yourself really far out into the woods, and at school you went to the shack. I've never been able to stay through one of your transformations. Now that you're taking the potion, I could, right?"
"...Hypothetically, but I wish you wouldn't."
"What if I stay out of the room? I'll just sit on the other side of the door."
"All night? Emmeline…" Remus turned away. Potion or not, he was concerned for her safety. But it was also that his transformation wasn't something he was proud of. He was certain if she saw what happened to him on nights like tonight, she'd run for the hills. Anybody in their right mind would.
Emmeline continued. "This is a part of who you are. Being with you but ignoring this part of you has always felt wrong to me. Does that make sense?"
"If you have the luxury of ignoring it, you should take advantage of that. I'd rather you think of me like this, like me."
"Let me stay just this once, and if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep at James and Lily's next time. Deal?"
Demanding that she go to the Potters would be futile; usually once Emmeline made up her mind about something, there was no stopping her. "...You have to promise that you'll stay out of the room. Otherwise, the deal's off."
"Fine," she agreed, smiling triumphantly and forking another rasher of bacon onto her plate.
…
The tired winter sun set early. At about half four, Remus drowsily plodded up the stairs to the bedroom, evicted Orpheus from his spot on the wardrobe (which the owl was not pleased about), and closed the door behind himself. Grabbing the throw quilt from the couch, Emmeline followed after him and made herself a nest on the floor outside the bedroom door. She looked at her watch. It was going to be a long night.
"Emmeline?"
"I'm here." She put her hand up against the door as if to reach through it and lay it comfortingly on him.
"I'm going to cast a silencing charm on myself before it starts. If it wears off later in the night, no matter what you hear, do not come in. I assure you it's all...normal." As he said this, Remus drew the curtains, then removed his clothes and folded them neatly on the bed. Since it was cold, he selected a wool blanket from the closet to wrap around himself.
"...Okay." Her mum had used that trick with Uncle Robert, so she'd never known what his transformations sounded like either. All she knew was that Remus was the reason it became known as the Shrieking Shack.
He seated himself on the floor with his back up against the side of the bed.
"How are you feeling?" Emmeline called from the hallway.
"Alright."
"...How are you actually feeling?
"Like my head is either going to split open or burst into flames or both."
"Look up on the nightstand."
Turning his head, he noticed a few squares of chocolate next to him and smiled.
"I thought we ran out."
"Oh, certainly not. I just hid your stash from you."
"No matter, I'll just sniff it out later tonight," he joked, trying to lighten the mood.
Emmeline forced a laugh, then checked her watch again. How had it only been two minutes? She wrung her hands in anticipation. "...When will it start?"
Remus bit into a square. "Probably not for a while. Maybe ninety minutes, give or take."
"Ninety? Why are you already in there if it's going to be another hour and a half?"
"Precaution. See, it's boring. Told you you weren't going to enjoy this."
"If you're trying to get me to go to Lily's, it's not going to work."
"Worth a shot."
The faint pitter-patter of rain began on the roof above. "What are we going to do for ninety minutes…"
"...Hang on." She heard Remus open a drawer and fiddle with something. A few moments later, he slid a stack of playing cards under the door. "Got any sevens?"
Emmeline laughed and picked up the cards. "...No, go fish."
"Your turn."
"Do you have any fours?"
Remus slid two cards under the door.
"I reckon we could really turn this into something: Go Fish sous la porte."
"Yes, but one of the rules has to be that the game must be played with a werewolf."
...
After four rounds of Go Fish, another four rounds of B.S., and some lovely conversation interspersed, the full moon rose to greet Remus through the bedroom window. She cloaked her face in a storm cloud, but even with the curtains drawn Remus knew she was there. He did not need to see her to know that she had come for him.
His pupils dilated.
His body went stiff.
"Two Jacks."
"Emmeline," he warned, his voice labored. The cards fell from his shaking hands and scattered on the floor. "I'm going to…" he panted hard, "have to stop playing now."
The din of the heavy rainfall drowned out his strained speech. Emmeline set her own cards down and got close to the door. "Is it starting?"
Remus could no longer respond with words, and instead let out an agonized cry as he felt his body begin to mutate. The card game had distracted him and he'd forgotten the silencing charm, but was in no position to cast one now; it was too late. He struggled as he dragged himself away from the door and into the middle of the room where he wouldn't break anything but his own skeleton.
Hearing his pained cry, Emmeline had to hold herself back from ripping the door open. Nothing about that noise sounded normal, no matter what he said. She jumped when a loud crack of thunder shook the house. At least the storm would mask his howls from the neighbors.
Inside the bedroom, Remus curled into a ball and squeezed his eyes shut. A blood curdling scream ripped through his body as his spine began to reconstruct itself. That was always the worst part.
Emmeline felt utterly helpless with her ear pressed against the door. "It's okay, I'm here," she said, unsure if he could even hear her. Sharp snapping noises began to intermix with his moans. Were those...were those his bones?
She pressed her hand to her gut as her insides writhed in sympathy for him. Being on the other side of the door had to have been worse than being in the room witnessing it. Her imagination began to fill in its own images to accompany the sounds she heard. Was his blood pooling around him? Was his skin splitting to accommodate the growth in his skeleton? Was this transmutation ripping his muscles apart?
She'd signed up for this. She didn't want him to be alone. She had asked for him to let her sit outside and listen to his body break.
"Remus," she said, loud enough so that her voice could reach him. "I'm here Remus, I'm right here."
He let out another wail, but the voice that came out of him was not his own. It was deeper, warped; it was closer to a roar.
Remus thrashed as his limbs lengthened, his ankles stretching out into hind legs with hocks. Each one of his fingers and toes endured the agony of the tissue from underneath their nail beds sprouting into claws. Finally, his jaw jutted out into a snout, and his teeth stretched into fangs.
The screaming and the snapping stopped, or was drowned out by the rain. Imagery of a battered and bloodied Remus haunted Emmeline as she listened for some sign that he was still alive.
Another crack of thunder elicited a howl and a whimper from the other side of the door.
"Shh, it's okay."
She heard him paw closer to her voice and sniff the surface of the door.
"I'm here, I'm-"
A flash of lightning accompanied another burst of thunder, and Remus yelped again. He'd said before that the transformation heightened his senses, and Emmeline guessed that the thunder probably sounded twice as loud to him.
"It's okay Remus! It's alright!"
The storm was agitating him, and he whimpered and cried from the other side of the door. Yet another boom of thunder had him howling.
"Screw the deal," she thought, standing up and grasping the door handle. He would still be in control of his own mind with the Wolfsbane. Or he was supposed to be, at least.
Slowly as not to startle him, Emmeline cracked open the door, and the whimpering ceased. She crept into the room cautiously, and when she locked eyes with him, they both froze.
Emmeline held her breath during the stare-down. Had she just made a huge mistake?
But Remus did not lunge for her. Instead, he backed himself into the corner of the room.
She had seen him in this form only once before, and not in this calmed state where she had the chance to really see what he looked like. He appeared as if someone had taken his body and stretched it out like taffy. His lovely, creamy skin was duller and had grey undertones. He had sprouted more hair, and his face was completely canine. It was odd, but she was still able to see him under all of it. Amid her observation, she noticed a bit of blood on his face and arms. He had scratched and bitten himself from the stress of the storm.
Ever so slowly, Emmeline inched towards the bathroom, still keeping her eyes on Remus. She only broke eye contact to take a washcloth out from under the sink and wet it. She showed the washcloth to him to show that she meant him no harm.
Remus cowered from her. If he really was in control of his mind, she knew exactly what he would say: "I don't want you to see me like this."
Little by little, she moved towards him. When she was close enough, she knelt down, wondering if it was safe to touch him…
Another rumble of thunder caused him to straighten up and howl. Startled by his sudden movement, Emmeline gasped and fell backwards. When the noise subsided, Remus hunched back over himself and returned to his docile demeanor.
Part of Emmeline was telling her to flee back behind the door, but she pushed that notion away and got back up on her knees. She tested her luck by lightly laying her hand on his forearm...
Remus jumped, which frightened her, but he didn't become aggressive. Deeming it safe, she slowly moved the washcloth towards his face, and gently dabbed the scratch over his brow bone. He allowed her to.
Next she moved to the bites on his arm, wiping away the blood and soothing his mistreated skin. When she'd finished, she returned the cloth to the bathroom and came back to find Remus curled up on the wool blanket on the floor. He looked exhausted. She couldn't imagine how much physical exertion that transformation must have taken.
Emmeline got down on the floor next to him, and carefully lowered her head onto his abdomen. He allowed her to.
The moon watched with jealousy from the window.
…
She woke up to find Remus - human Remus - stroking her forehead gently. "You didn't hold up your end of the deal."
Emmeline stretched, pulled herself up off the floor, then walked sluggishly towards the bathroom. "Did you really think I was going to stay behind that door?" she mumbled, retrieving the powdered silver and dittany from the cupboard.
"Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you could interpret the word 'deal' differently."
"Up on the bed so I can see to those bites."
Remus arose with difficulty since his body was still incredibly sore, but he pulled on his trousers and did as she asked. She sat down beside him and began applying the remedies to the still-inflamed wounds. She was used to this morning-after routine, even before she'd been able to witness the transformation.
"You're insane, you know. The only person insane enough to want to spend time with me while I'm like that."
Emmeline raised her eyebrow.
"...Alright, the only non-animagus."
"I'm glad I was here for it."
"You realize that makes you insane."
"Probably."
"...You really aren't scared of me?"
"You asked me that at school, too. My answer hasn't changed."
"But...I'm-"
"Don't start that. Don't start getting in your head and letting your thoughts run wild. I've always known exactly who you are, even before I saw you last night, and if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be here." Emmeline moved from his arms up to the scratch on his forehead.
Damn her mind reading.
"You're a bit warm."
"You really should stay out of the room next time. I could've-"
"But you didn't, did you?" She finished her work, then put the silver and dittany back in the bathroom and returned with a damp cloth for him to hold to his feverish forehead.
Damn her mind reading. "...You're insane. It's the only possible explanation."
"They say love makes you do crazy things."
"Don't turn this into a cute thing."
Emmeline chuckled lightheartedly and crawled into bed. Remus followed suit, but kept his distance since he wasn't sure if she wanted him to touch her after seeing what he could become. To his surprise, Emmeline scooted closer to him and buried her head in his chest.
"It's agonizing, isn't it?"
"...It's hell. I won't sugar-coat it."
"And it's like that every month?"
"Every bloody month."
"...I'm so sorry."
How the hell did this woman exist. She's seen him become a beast, and she was apologizing.
"...You're an absolute wonder, Emmeline Vance."