***Just wanted to check in, how are we all doing? I am sad. I was sad to have to write that, and I wasn't ready to let her go. I'm sorry that means the readers had to as well, and I'm sorry it was sudden. I chose to write it that way because that's how death is in war. It's sudden and you don't always get to say goodbye, which is why it's so important to tell your people that you love them as often as you can. I wanted us to go through the whiplash of how sudden losing Marlene would have been WITH our characters, because empathizing with a character gives you a deeper understanding of who they are and why they do what they do. I miss our girl, but in the wise words of Dumbledore (or, in the movies, Sirius:) "The ones that love us never really leave us."
It's going to continue to be upsetting as we see our characters grapple with this loss, and if you note the date, you know it's going to get much harder very soon. Here to talk in the comments if you need to, and if you don't think your brain can take it and you need to step away from this story, I completely understand. Hopefully I'll see you for the sequel. - theo

***TW: disordered eating

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Chapter 45 - A Study in Erosion

August 12

"Emmeline," Remus whispered, gently nudging her towards consciousness. She grunted in response. "Alastor will be here soon."

"What time is it?" she croaked, her eyelids still heavy with sleep.

"Nearly two in the afternoon." He sat down on the side of the bed and stroked her unruly hair, which seemed to have become thinner. "If you get up now, there may be just enough time for some crepes. How's that sound?"

Under normal circumstances this would have enticed her, but these were not normal circumstances. Instead, she grumbled: "Not hungry."

Remus rose defeated from the bed and pulled one of her jumpers out of a drawer. "That's what you said yesterday. You need to eat something." Tenderly, he slipped his arm underneath her shoulders and lifted her from the mattress like a rag doll, handing her the garment. "Please," he implored her, accidentally allowing a little too much desperation to slip into his voice.

Taking the jumper unenthusiastically in her hands, Emmeline let out a great sigh and feebly pulled it over her arms. Her movements might have led one to believe she was elderly. Remus assisted in pulling it down over her torso, hiding his concern for how much her body had changed.

Remus knew it wasn't healthy, but he was almost grateful that he hardly had any time to reckon with his own grief since he had devoted himself entirely to helping Emmeline cope with hers. He supposed he had a different perspective on death, having danced intimately with it for much of his life. To him, death seemed like relief and rest. It was just that Marlene had so much left to do before she slept.

"I'm so sorry," she said weakly, the jumper sliding off one of her shoulders.

"Sorry for what?"

"You never signed up for this," she muttered, staring catatonic at the floor.

Remus looked sideways at her. "What are you talking about?"

"This. Getting ripped away from your life. Losing your house. Having to take care of me as if I were a child-"

"Emmeline," he murmured, interrupting her. He got down on a knee before her in the hopes of gaining her eye contact and took both of her hands in his. "I signed up for us a long time ago, and everything that came along with it. So I'll still be right here whenever we make it out on the other end of this," he assured her.

Remus could see that Emmeline wanted to smile, but those muscles in her face had recently atrophied. He stood back up and tenderly wiped the tear that had rolled down her cheek. "Besides, you'll never surpass me as the burdensome one in this relationship," he joked darkly, helping her to her feet.

"You're not a burden," she asserted.

"Crepes?"

"...I'll try."

Remus kissed the top of her forehead before heading to the kitchen. "Try" would have to do for now.

After she finished dressing, Emmeline lingered by the bedroom window. The reflection of a woman she hardly recognized stared back at her with dark under-eye circles. She thought of Marlene and lost what little appetite she had, but feared that Remus might resort to tube feeding her if she told him so.

Exeter was far larger than little Godric's Hollow and made Emmeline feel rather like a fish in a bowl as she stared out the beveled glass pane of the little window of the little flat. Dumbledore had relocated them here last month in the hopes that the death eaters might lose Emmeline's trail. She missed so many things: their old home, having a job, having some purpose; most of all, she missed Marlene.

She seemed to remember that she used to like how quiet Godric's Hollow was, and missed that too. This new quiet in this new flat felt more like a great void, and it seemed the only thing to fill it with was her terrifying thoughts. This new quiet ate away at her slowly, as evidenced by the state of her health. She literally watched as her body began to disappear, little by little, and wondered if one day the quiet would finish her off altogether, and she would simply cease to be. Would anybody notice, or would the bits of her that lived in her friends' minds erode away too? They seemed to be doing so already.

She hadn't heard from Lily at all, though she'd sent Orpheus with a letter from the new address just as soon as they'd been moved in. James hadn't written either, but Remus assured Emmeline (and he almost believed it himself) that they were probably just busy with the baby. Lily was not one to keep silent on a matter so grave as losing their best friend, and Emmeline wondered if Lily was as angry with her as she was with herself. Her letters to Sirius had also been ignored, but she had expected this. She sent them to his address in Tutshill, unsure if he'd gone back to live there. Even if he had received the letters, he was likely neglecting them deliberately. He no longer trusted Remus, so naturally he had now extended that distrust to the person who'd gotten his girlfriend and her family killed. Emmeline wished more than anything that she could go to Sirius, share in his grief, and tell him how utterly sorry she was, but she had been ordered not to leave the flat. She and Remus hadn't even been permitted to attend the McKinnons' funeral.

And Marlene was everywhere and nowhere; in every face out the window, but nowhere to be found among the passersby on the sidewalk; in every breakfast, but gone by lunchtime, so Emmeline convinced herself she wasn't hungry for either meal; even in the damned silence, Emmeline could have filled in jokes and jabs Marlene might have said, but would never have the chance to now. Her absence felt both suffocating, and altogether too barren.

Remus was well into crepe preparations when Emmeline emerged from the bedroom. A copy of The Daily Prophet laying open on the kitchen table caught her eye, and she sat down in front of it. On one page was a list of missing persons, and on the next were columns and columns of obituaries, muggles and wizards alike. The font was small. Her appetite declined further.

Remus noticed her staring at all the names and left the stove, wordlessly folding the paper back up and placing it on the kitchen counter instead.

"I wanted to see."

"Trust me, you didn't. I already checked the names."

"None today?" No one we know today?

"None today." And thank God for that.

Mad-Eye arrived as Emmeline was reluctantly pushing the other half of her crepes around with a fork. She began to stand from the kitchen table, but Remus stopped her. "Please, finish," he begged. "I'll tell Alastor you'll be out soon."

They heard a clattering from the front room and a Scottish curse word that neither of them were familiar with.

"Albus could have at least found you a place with a bit more room."

"We're managing fine," Remus assured him, coming out to greet him as he was standing a lamp back upright.

Alastor got close to Remus and spoke quietly. "How is she?"

"The same," Remus whispered. "She blames herself for the whole thing. Blames herself for blowing their cover in Knockturn Alley."

"Hmm," grumbled Alastor, scratching his chin. "Well, I haven't brought great news about that."

"What news have you brought?" Emmeline asked, appearing in the doorway without having finished her breakfast. She noticed the concerned scowl that came over Alastor's face when he saw her. Had she really deteriorated that much?

"Vance. Erm…go ahead and sit down."

"I don't need to sit down," she lied, crossing her arms self-consciously and opting to lean against the wall instead. "Is he being brought before the Wizengamot, or not?"

Alastor chewed his lip. He was not one to pull punches, but knew that his answer would only further upset an already fragile Emmeline, and tried to come up with a way to say it that would soften the blow. His hesitation was answer enough.

Emmeline wrung her hands together to stop herself from snapping her wand in half. "You have got to be kidding me."

"I warned you that this was a probable outcome," Moody reminded her, helping himself to a seat in the armchair.

"He's a death eater!"

"And you and I know it; but Malfoy's got too many friends at the Ministry with his gold in their pockets that've vouched for him. Took nearly a month just to get them to make a decision."

"They're not even going to have him questioned?" Remus asked, watching Emmeline carefully as she began to pace.

Alastor chose his next words with caution. "They were willing to consider an informal hearing...but not based on rumors."

Bringing her pacing to a halt, Emmeline examined his face. "What does that mean?"

Again, Alastor tried not to say too much. "It means they wanted more concrete evidence-"

"It means they want witness testimony, doesn't it?"

"It's out of the question, Vance."

"Why? I can help-"

"No."

"-I can tell them what I saw-"

"I said no!" Mad-Eye scolded, suddenly raising his voice. "Putting you in front of the Wizengamot would not only jeopardize the Order, it would also risk your life. I want to get the son of a bitch just as badly as you do, but judging by Malfoy's response to being spied on, he's furious; his comrades won't have given up looking for you so easily. You'll not be setting foot outside this flat until Dumbledore or I give the word, is that understood?"

"...Then what about my memory?" She raised her wand up to her temple with new excitement. "Alastor, show them my memory! Then they can see-"

"Memories can be altered. Malfoy will only argue that it's been tampered with by a biased source."

Emmeline felt the beginnings of frustrated tears. "I'm wasted just sitting here." She had half a mind to go find Lucius and deliver justice herself. She'd killed for Marlene before.

"You're safe just sitting here," he corrected her, lowering his voice. "And I'll not be losing you too..."

She huffed an indignant sigh and sank down onto the sofa, pawing at the scar tissue in her burned palm. Why should she deserve to be sequestered and protected when the McKinnons were not afforded the same luxury?

Remus sat beside her and took her burned hand in his so that she wouldn't pick at it. "Did they even check his arm?"

"I checked it myself. Nothing. The bastard's done something to conceal the tattoo."

Of course he had. Lucius had probably performed some transfiguration spell on himself as soon as he got home that day in July.

"There's one more thing," Alastor continued. "And you're not gonnae like it."

Panicking, Emmeline shot back up off the couch "Who's hurt? Sirius-"

"Calm yourself. Black is...well, I suppose 'fine' isn't the right word. But it's not about him." Alastor sighed and braced himself for their protestations. "It's about the Potters."

This time, Remus jumped up off the couch. "Are they-"

"Fine, they're fine. Let me finish, Merlin's sake. I was only going to say that, since Vance has a target on her back, Albus has forbidden the both of you from making any contact with them until further notice. The Longbottoms too, though I wasn't sure if you spoke with them as often."

Emmeline looked at him, dumbfounded. Now Lily's lack of a response to her letter was beginning to make sense. "No owls, nothing?"

"Not even a patronus."

"What ever for?" asked Remus, equally perplexed and thinking of Harry.

"For reasons that are beyond the three of us. All you need to know is that reaching out to them in any way would put both families in serious danger. I cannae say any more than that."

Remus and Emmeline nodded obediently, but their furrowed brows gave away that they still had several questions. Of course they wouldn't want to jeopardize their friends' safety, but why was the safety of the Potters and the Longbottoms in question in the first place? Remus would do what had to be done for James and Lily, but was saddened. It felt as though James was the only friend he had left.

Having said what he needed to say, Mad-Eye rose from the chair. "Lupin, I need a moment alone with Emmeline."

Emmeline couldn't remember a time he had ever called her by her first name, and she wasn't sure if this was a good or bad sign.

"Certainly." He squeezed Emmeline's hand before exiting the front room.

When he had determined that Remus was out of ear shot, Alastor placed his hands gently on Emmeline's shoulders. "Now you listen to me, and you listen good," he began in a soft, paternal sort of tone. "The McKinnon family's deaths were an untimely tragedy, but they were not your fault."

The tears Emmeline had suppressed earlier started to resurface. "But if I hadn't-"

"Take it from an auror. The only person at fault is the one who stared down the end of the wand that took their lives. If you continue blaming yourself, you'll drive yourself mad and your heart will harden into stone. Trust me, I wish someone had told me before mine had..."

Emmeline simply nodded, amazed by this atypical display of vulnerability from him, and didn't argue any further. When he saw that his words had been heeded (or at least considered), Alastor released her from his grasp and turned to take his leave.

"Alastor?" Emmeline stopped him just before he left. "...What was their name?"

Alastor smiled sadly, then disapparated.