One by one, bright streetlamps passed us by as we drove away from Sizzlers and closer to our destination. The atmosphere in Bella's station wagon was quiet and a bit tense. Other than Anthony sucking on his pacifier and the low hum of music on the outdated radio, the car was silent.
I had just confessed my undying love to Bella. I had admitted I was a fool for breaking up with her all those months ago. Having her back in my life now, I knew I couldn't live without her or our baby. I wanted to do more than just take care of them; I wanted her to be my girlfriend again and hopefully, one day, my wife. I had even proposed to her, hoping for the three of us to be a family.
Thirty seconds had passed since I poured my heart out to her, and still, she said nothing. Her hands remained on the steering wheel, and her eyes looked straight ahead on the road. Never once did she glance at me; even though my eyes were gazing at the side of her face, waiting for a response. I desperately wanted to know if I still possessed her heart.
Another second went by. Still, she said absolutely nothing.
The silence was getting to me as seconds passed, turning into minutes. With all my might, I tried to penetrate her mind and hear her as I had earlier … but that didn't work. Whatever helped me hear her thoughts before was no longer working.
"Bella," My voice was low and unsure. "I still love you; do you understand that? I still want you. I always have."
"I still love you too, Edward." Bella finally spoke, eyes still on the road. "But," She sighed and stopped short. Her heart was pumping fast, giving away her nervousness.
"But what?" I asked, panic seeping through me.
She exhaled. "But I don't know if we should get back together. It's complicated."
"Why? Is there someone else?" I wondered.
"Sort of." She said and a cold chill ran down my spine.
Her words that were spoken with harsh truth were the equivalent to a blow to my stomach. What I desired; I deserved the least. I had broken an angel's heart. My actions were the reason why she went through hell and back. She shouldn't take me back, though I craved for her to do just that. I didn't deserve to get off that easy; I needed to atone for my sins. I realized that.
Nevertheless, it hurt to know she didn't want me the way I still wanted her.
Like a wounded puppy, I sulked in the passenger seat. My dead heart started breaking. My hands balled into fists, and I had no one to blame but myself. If I hadn't lied, telling her I no longer wanted her that fateful day in the woods behind her house; just days before my family and I left Forks. She and I would still be together and I wouldn't be broken hearted.
But I did lie, feeling like I had to do so before we left. We had to move because a group of men with binoculars happened to be bird watching and accidentally saw my brothers and me goofing off at Goat Rock Wilderness. We had been playing around, jumping off mountains and swinging through trees the way no human could without getting injured. Our actions started the rumors that led to us moving out of state and leaving her behind. That, along with Billy Black putting his two cents in when he heard about what the men had claimed to see. He actually rented out a billboard on the side of the highway, warning the townspeople of Forks about Dr. Cullen and his family were. Since Forks is a very smalltown, and people talk, word about what we were traveled fast.
Unfortunately, Alice didn't 'see' any of that happening until it was too late. She had been preoccupied while on a shopping trip with Bella and Rosalie. On the same day my brothers and I went hunting. Everything seemed to pass her by. No one blamed her for not catching the events that came next, nor were my brothers and I blamed for being immature boys and not being careful. But I did hold myself responsible for the unfortunate events that happened to Bella. I also blamed myself and not the other man, who captured her heart for her no longer wanting me. Maybe there would be no other love for her if I wouldn't have ghosted her the way I did. She and I would still be together, enjoying our happily ever after with our little boy.
Yeah. Maybe in some other universe but not in reality.
Even though she had another suitor, I was grateful Bella allowed me to be here, in her car with her and our son. The fact that she wanted me to be part of his life spoke volumes to me. It eased my worries a little, though it did nothing for the feelings of jealousy I felt for this unknown man, who had her heart. The very heart that used to be mine.
Before jealousy could devour me. Or she or I could speak another word, static began filling my mind. It starting out a little loud, then getting softer as the seconds passed; much like a radio when trying to tune it to a certain station. Only it wasn't a radio station that my mind tuned into; it was Bella's mind.
In the forefront of Bella's mind it was clear that she suffered from the fear of the unknown and the anxiety of being on her own. Everything she went through because of me was as plain as day. There was also a storm of thoughts of love and chaos she felt about me that flowed through her mind like a tornado, and past the turmoil were images. Sweet images of baby Anthony wearing only a diaper, cradled to her bare chest when she was lying in a hospital bed. He looked so small and fragile in her memories. The images shifted to Anthony, lying beside her in bed, looking at her lovingly with his big green eyes as she read to him. The images changed again, this time to him sleeping soundly in a crib. These thoughts were full of love for the child she and I created during a rainy night of passion in the backseat of my car. Right away, I knew who the other man was that had her heart. My hands relaxed, and I couldn't keep the smile from my face if I wanted to.
"It's Anthony," I said without thinking.
"What?" Bella sounded worried. She slammed on the brakes when we came to a red light at an intersection where two cars were waiting for the light to change. "What's wrong with him? Did he stop breathing?"
The vibrations of her panic-stricken words bounced off the windows and echoed in my ears like a sonic boom. The look on her face when she turned to me told me what she wouldn't say. She worried about our son constantly, the way a mother should. The way my mother worried about my siblings and me, even though we were indestructible.
At the same time, my mind went silent, and Anthony cried out like a banshee, my heart was swelling with love for the mother of my child.
"He's fine," I reassured her.
"Then what? Why did you scare me?" She sputtered. Her breathing was erratic as she tried to calm down.
The car behind us honked twice, letting us know the light turned green. Anthony screamed, and Bella sighed. She stepped on the accelerator, cautiously entering the intersection.
"I didn't mean to." I began to explain. "You were thinking about Anthony, and I couldn't help saying his name."
"How would you know I was thinking about him?" She asked, as we came upon our destination. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to speak, I was reading your mind." I explained loudly so she could hear me above our baby's cries.
"Read my mind?" She asked, dumbfounded.
I nodded with a sudden wide grin.
"How?" She demanded. "You never could before. How can that be possible?"
"I don't know." I admitted. "Tonight's the first night I've been able to read your mind. Although it's not consistent, it comes and goes in waves." I tried to explain, even though it didn't quite make sense to me. "I never know when I'm going to hear it. Also, your mind is the only one I can hear, besides our baby's. Every other mind seems to be closed off to me the way yours usually is."
As the words rolled off my tongue, a theory began to spin inside my head. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had these thoughts.
"Is it possible that Anthony could have a talent that interferes with your mind-reading?" Bella wondered, and Anthony wailed.
"I was wondering the same thing," I said; a bit stunned, she had said it before I could.
It appeared our brains were on the same wavelength. Bella and I shared a smile. At this point, we were in the parking lot of the grocery store. She parked in a secluded area and killed the engine.
"Before we go into the store, I need to breastfeed him a little, so he won't be starving. It's part of his unique diet. That is if you don't mind." She said and bit her bottom lip.
"I don't mind at all. His needs come first." I said, meaning every word.
She opened the door, got out of the driver's seat, and quickly climbed into the backseat. I stayed where I was, turning around to see her as she was unbuckling our cranky newborn. She seemed to be thinking about something while she slung the blue baby blanket over her shoulder.
"I'm glad you said that." She spoke, her voice sounding a bit shaky. "His needs do come first. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with him; he's been my number one priority." She picked Anthony up out of his car seat. "You left with no plans of ever coming back for me. It's just by chance, luck, or fate that we bumped into each other tonight. All I wanted was to be enough for you, but I wasn't."
"You were," I spoke truthfully.
"No, Edward. I wasn't. You left me crying that day in the woods," Her voice trembled as she spoke. "I knew your favorite songs, books, and the places you liked to go. You were my best friend, the one I could tell everything to. And then you vanish." She took a deep breath and continued. "I believed our love was real, and you left me wondering what I did wrong. I was really depressed; I couldn't eat or sleep. I only snapped out of it when I found out I was going to be a mother. I never want to go through that kind of pain again."
"I'm sorry. Everything I did was wrong; I never meant to hurt you and I won't. Not again." I said shamefully, wishing I could change the past. "I love you and our baby. I always will."
Bella nodded her head in agreement as she began to situate herself and Anthony to give our son milk. I looked away, wanting to give them privacy; I didn't want to be impolite and stare.
"I love you, too." She spoke truthfully and fiercely. "But I don't think it would be wise for us to be in a relationship right now. You hurt me so badly, and I'm afraid of you leaving and how that would hurt both Anthony and me. I can't go through that again. This time it would be worse because I wouldn't be the only one hurting; Anthony would feel pain if he got to know you and you just took off."
"I'm not disregarding your feelings. Just please know I won't leave the two of you; that's a mistake I will never make again. Not ever." I said, wanting so badly to change her mind. "Please give me a chance."
"Not right now." Is all she said.
The pain of her words hung in the air.
I didn't dare speak, I wasn't sure what else to say as I kept my eyes on the window. I wasn't about to peek at my son as Bella lifted up her blouse, putting him to her breast. He latched on quickly and he began suckling. I saw it all from his mind, and I tried to block out his thoughts that were less than enthusiastic about the milk he was receiving. He was intelligent and knew this was part of his routine to get him one step closer to what he craved, which is why he was drinking something he didn't care for.
Trying to focus on anything other than the images that filled my mind. I began to wish I had thought everything through when I fell in love with her. How I couldn't live without her and how she felt that way too. Both of us could never love someone else because we were meant for each other. That's why her love for me didn't fade like I assumed it would. Neither of us could exist without the other. Too bad I hadn't realized that sooner.
"I'm sorry for hurting you so badly. You were enough for me." I bowed my head, ashamed of what I had done.
"Edward, I don't mean to make you feel bad. I still love you, I just can't be in a relationship right now." Bella explained, sounding guilty.
"You're just telling the truth," I said with a sigh.
"Look at me, please." She begged, and I did.
She sat there in the backseat, feeding our baby with a blanket covering her chest, preventing my eyes from seeing anything. Tears welled up in her eyes, making me feel worse than she could possibly realize. For a flash of a second, I saw images from her mind of the past she and I shared and all the love we had for each other. The love was still there, just tainted with fear instead of pure devotion.
As quickly as the images filled my mind, they vanished. Seeing that and knowing how she felt had venom tears that I could not shed, filling my eyes to the brim. I put my angel through more pain than I ever imagined, but by some miracle, she still loved me. So, why did I want to cry? It wasn't a love I deserved. A monster like me who could so easily break an angel's heart – an angel who was so pure and sweet – wasn't unworthy of such a love. Yet, I still wanted her and always would.
There was a time I felt her feelings for me were insignificant compared to my feelings for her. After all, she had only walked the Earth for sixteen years when we met. Compared to my century long existence, it was nothing. She was human and I was not. I didn't believe her love could be as true, real, and everlasting as mine was for her - the way a vampire's love was. However, it was; and I was learning that tonight.
Bella's hand reached out and touched my left arm that was wrapped around the back of the headrest. Our eyes locked.
"Trust is a funny thing." She spoke with so much emotion that it made her sound strong. "It can be broken, but it also can be restored. It just takes time to put it back together. You understand what I mean?"
"Yes. I fucked up. I have to earn back your trust." My voice broke on every other word.
Bella nodded yes. She dabbed her eyes as I wiped away phantom tears from my cheeks.
"There's still a glimmer of hope. We can start by being friends and raising a child together." She suggested as a tear rolled down her right cheek.
Not being together was obviously difficult for her too. However, I understood why she decided not to be a couple just yet. I needed to prove that she could trust me before she let herself fall for me again; because the hard and fast truth was that I wasn't trustworthy.
Though friendship was not what I wanted, my mind was made up. I would show her she could trust me. I would be anything she wanted me to be. The first step would be friendship. If that's what she needed, I could do it.
"Whatever you need, I'm your man," I vowed, knowing I would never take our time together for granted.
With those words I spoke, the corners of her lips turned up into a small smile.