Is now officially on Ao3 as SakuraDemonAlchemist. Look at the poll on my profile page to find out why...and remember to vote people!
It said something about the sheer stupidity that she had to deal with on a daily basis that when Lal Mirch accidentally discovered what Iemitsu's son was doing in Italy, her first reaction wasn't to tell her boss.
The reason was simple really. This kid had been in close contact with the Varia multiple times and they had even done a check to see if he was related to anyone important. The odds of the Varia Elite not knowing the kid was Iemitsu's spawn were almost nonexistent. Hell, Viper practically confirmed they knew damn well who the fluffy haired teen was, but kept their silence.
So Lal decided to try the third option, rather than piss off a lot of people by forcibly relocating the kid back to a town he had run away from in the first place. Which would have been Iemitsu's only plan if he had known where his son was or what he had been doing the past few years.
She decided to meet up with Viper and Squalo to work out a compromise. One that might be able to undo all the damage Iemitsu had been doing to his apprentice. Really, did he think she was blind to the fact he tricked Basil into thinking that Japan was still in the feudal era? He sounded like someone trying to speak Shakespearean English in modern day London, for god's sake!
"Voi. You had better have a damn good reason trying to mess with the kid," said Squalo.
If Lal hadn't known the Varia officers were fond of Tsuna, that would have tipped her off.
"I want to work out a deal with you. We both know the kid is vulnerable working solo as he has been, especially considering what his job is. And quite frankly Iemitsu can sit on it and spin if he thinks I'm going to let his idiocy continue with his so-called apprentice. That man couldn't raise a cactus, much less children," said Lal flatly.
"So what do you have in mind?" asked Viper evenly.
"A long term bodyguard. Officially he'll be protecting Tsuna under the guise of an employee. Unofficially according to our records he'll be an external spy on you lot whenever the kid cleans the castle. All reports will go to me and as long as I don't see any of the same shit that could lead to another fake coup, I'll burn them before they reach Iemitsu," said Lal.
"Voi. What makes you think we'd agree to that?"
"Let me put it this way... would you rather have that idiot send more people to try and infiltrate your place, or have a spy that you damn well know is there?" she shot back.
"...Throw in something that would allow Tsuna to complete his education and we might have a deal," said Viper.
"What?" said Lal surprised.
"The boy dropped out of middle school because he was tired of the nonexistent support in his life, and became a cleaner by accident. His expense reports are atrocious and perhaps if he continued his education he might learn to do his own books. He's far too reliant on his current helper for my taste," said Viper flatly. "There's no telling when the bomber brat will leave and force Tsuna to perform a mockery of balancing his books all over again."
Viper wouldn't admit it, but they were fond of the kid. He was nothing like his useless father.
He at least knew what he was capable of and wasn't afraid to ask for help. And he kept better track of his receipts than most idiots they had to deal with. It was almost relaxing doing the kid's books, especially since he gave them a discount which meant they saved money while he did a lot of work for them.
"Voi. So who are you planning to saddle us with?"
Lal handed over the obviously redacted file on Basil. It didn't give anything too risky away. Just his age, Flame type and a few bits about his education like the fact he spoke fluent Japanese... however it was very dated and he had some odd ideas of the current culture.
"Barely acceptable."
"The kid is a good enough fighter, but it's painful to watch him around Iemitsu because he's almost completely clueless. And quite frankly considering the kid is thriving in Italy and has managed to worm him way into your good side, I'd rather have a known factor that I can predict rather than whatever idiotic plan that fool would come up with to drag the poor kid back to Japan. Knowing him, if and when he finds out his son is here working as a cleaner he would come up with some convoluted idiotic idea to drag his son back just to keep up the rather poor ruse of a 'happy civilian family', despite the fact he has almost never gone to visit them even when he does go on vacation," said Lal bluntly. "It pisses me off that he's stringing his poor 'wife' along and goes on and on about a son that he doesn't even give a damn about in reality."
The two Varia looked at her.
"You're doing this to get one over on the jackass and keep the kid safe, since Iemitsu's bloodline," said Squalo after a moment.
"I'm doing what I can to protect someone who's been screwed over by that idiot one too many times and only needs a minor bit of protection. Anyone who can handle your brand of insanity long enough to clean up a few dead bodies and doesn't run away screaming has a chance to survive on this side of the world," said Lal flatly.
Squalo and Viper snorted in agreement.
Tsuna was surprisingly adaptable for someone who had come out of a straight civilian background.
Still, once Viper did a proper background check on 'Basil', those who knew exactly who Tsuna's father was agreed that allowing a known spy to act as his bodyguard was an acceptable compromise. The kid was dumb enough to fall for Iemitsu's bullshit, which meant he might be easy enough to dupe and hide anything important from the idiot in the event Lal couldn't burn the reports fast enough.
Just window dressing to keep Iemitsu from pissing them off further as well as keep the kid safe.
The bomber was too much of a wild card to be considered a reliable bodyguard. Especially since there was no telling if he could be trustworthy enough to let in on the fact his "boss" was the son of the idiot who ran CEDEF.
Hayato Gokudera was well known for wanting an in to the bigger families, and there was no bigger family around than the Vongola.
Better to keep him in the dark until his loyalty could be verified beyond a shadow of a doubt.
"So just to be clear I'm getting a free employee slash bodyguard and a new top of the line laptop so I can actually complete my education... why?" asked Tsuna suspiciously. This sounded way too good to be true and he hadn't survived as a cleaner as long as he had without taking precautions.
Case in point, the loaded gun in his truck in case the zombie apocalypse started with him as the first victim. Some might find his paranoia a bit ridiculous (case in point Belphegor who was the chief cause of why Tsuna was now paranoid of zombies), but he'd rather be safe than sorry. Even if it had meant a hellish two weeks of training with the Varia learning how to shoot the gun and how to maintain it.
He found taking it apart and putting it together strangely relaxing, like a weird puzzle. Even if the gun was only ever fired on the Varia test ranges to prove he was still capable of hitting the broad side of a barn every time he cleaned the place.
He was a small teenager with little to no time for any training in something like martial arts, and next to no way of defending himself. Even if he disliked guns because of the cultural bias against them (he was raised Japanese after all), he was above all a pragmatic kid and therefor capable of ignoring that distaste if it meant keeping himself safe.
Besides...it was either that or a knife, and he was still terrified of the 'training' he had undergone with Belphegor as the 'teacher' when it came to learning how to hold one properly. He kept it in his boot, hidden in his pants, since no one would expect someone as 'innocent' as him to even carry a concealed weapon. He sometimes wondered if Belphegor even knew he had swiped a few of the knives he left laying around for protection.
Probably not. The Prince had hundreds of the damn things and had yet to skewer him for it.
"The other 'independent' group with the famiglia we serve hates us and keeps sending morons to try and find 'evidence' of us up to no good. We came up with a compromise with one of the few people keeping them from imploding in order to keep them out for a while," said Squalo flatly.
"Uh-huh. What's the real reason?" asked Tsuna.
"You know how we keep giving you odd looks after that blood test?" asked Lussuria carefully.
"Hard to miss. I almost walked on eggshells for the entire time I was cleaning the place until you apparently came to the decision not to turn me into yet another body to dispose of," said Tsuna deadpan.
"Voi, screw this. Your dad runs the other group that keeps sending morons to spy on us, and his subordinate found out you were here working as a cleaner and is doing damage control. The 'extra help' she's sending is mostly a compromise and is going to double as a bodyguard and a way to keep the jackass from trying to forcibly send you back to Japan when he finds out because he wants to keep pretending he has a big happy family despite only visiting once in a blue moon if that," said Squalo.
Tsuna stiffened at that.
"You mean to tell me that homeless jackass that shows up, makes a mess and the pretends he's all lovey-dovey with my mother and is never actually around is here?" he snarled.
"Homeless jackass?" repeated Lussuria amused.
"He dresses like a homeless drifter and drinks liquor like it's water, leaving bottles and cans all over the place. And when he's around Mama he puts on this nauseating scene of being in 'love-love' with her, bringing her hopes up only to crush them when he disappears after a week. I can't count the number of times I've heard her crying at night because he's never around and misses their anniversary and our birthdays," snarled Tsuna with vehemence. "As far as I'm concerned my father died when I was born and the bastard who makes my mother cry is a damn impostor who should die in the most painful way imaginable. And that his corpse should be desecrated in a way that his ghost would never be able to rest in peace from the shame of it all."
Seeing the rather bloodthirsty grin on Squalo and the dark gleam in Lussuria's eyes, it was clear that sentiment was mutual when it came to Tsuna's father.
"Voi, I knew I liked you brat," said Squalo with dark approval.
Anyone who hated Iemitsu that much enough to do more than just spit on his corpse was gold in their books.
"So just to be clear I don't have to actually pay the guy and I get laptop that I can do spreadsheets on so long as I put up with him being around me," said Tsuna darkly. "Explain to me why I'm not filling up that bastard's office with corpses after breaking the A/C and cranking up the heat?"
Squalo let out a dark laugh at that. He loved this kid, he really did.
"Because then the idiot would look into who did it and find out you're here, darling~!" said Lussuria, trying not to laugh as hard as Squalo was at the moment.
Because really, that sort of 'prank' was right up the Varia's alley and would take months to properly clean up after...if they didn't ditch the building entirely from the smell alone and have to get a new one. Plus explaining to the Vongola why they had so many dead bodies that smelled to high heaven being removed from their HQ...on second thought...
"How much would you charge to actually go through with that, and what would you need?" asked Squalo.
"I would need full-body hazmat suits that conceal my features, mooks that can actually stand to move the corpses and possibly borrow Mammon to hide what we were actually doing. Then I'd need someone who can blow the A/C and rig the heat to be cranked up to full blast overnight," mused Tsuna. It sounded like a lot of fun and something he'd proudly pull off if only so he could say he had been behind it.
Best of all there wasn't any actual crime against stuffing a building full of corpses that were rotting and made the building completely uninhabitable.
Lussuria's eyes gleamed.
"You know if we did a few alterations it's doubtful that idiot would even recognize you," said Lussuria.
"You mean dye my hair or something?" Tsuna perked up.
A way to completely distance himself from the "Dame-Tsuna" image that had haunted him for years? Where did he sign up?
Lussuria chuckled.
"Sounds like someone is interested in a proper make-over!"
"Not having that stupid nickname follow me if I ever went back home to visit Mama would be nice," said Tsuna.
"Just leave that to me darling," said Lussuria grinning. "At the very least you'll get a new wardrobe...the one you have is positively atrocious."
Not to mention he was starting to outgrow it. Tsuna was such a small thing when they first met him, but hauling around corpses and his equipment had caused the boy to start filling out properly. His clothes were in dire need of replacement, as some were simply too small for his frame anymore. Or were becoming too worn.
"Voi. I would seriously pay you to put corpses in their HQ...and if possible help with a bit of stealing," said Squalo grinning.
"Steal what? I already rob corpses," said Tsuna.
Seeing the looks they were giving him, he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
"I steal all their cash and anything that looks mildly interesting. I sort of have a collection of rings too. I have no idea why so many people like to wear such elaborate jewelry..."
Squalo and Lussuria stared at him, before Lussuria took out something from his bag.
"These rings...do they look anything like this?" he asked carefully.
"Some of them do. I have at least twenty or thirty of ones like that and a few I keep for my special collection."
"Voi. Kid if you let us have a look at the ones you'd be willing to part with, Mammon might actually buy a few of them off you for a good price," said Squalo.
Because the idea that Tsuna had been collecting Flame-aligned rings wasn't the least bit farfetched. The kid cleaned corpses and the sort of people who were aware of the significance of the rings in question would have disposed of the body themselves. Or at least taken the ring before Tsuna came in.
And Mammon would be more than happy to pay Tsuna for the good quality ones, because it would still be cheaper than having the things made and easier than tracking them down themselves.
"I can bring them over next week. I suppose Luss and I can get that make-over done while you guys pick whichever ones you want to buy," said Tsuna brightly.
Squalo looked very pleased to hear that. He could only hope the Boss would be more amused about corrupting the kid against his dad, than he would be about the fact they had a semi-close relationship with the spawn of Iemitsu.