Asuka's Week in Hell
"You alright there, Asuka?"
As the battleship pulled a red and yellow Evangelion from the ocean, a red haired teenage girl breathed out a sigh of relief. Her Unit 02 only suffered minimal damage from the fight against Gaghiel.
"I'm fine Misato." Asuka said. "We killed the Angel."
"That you did!" Misato chuckled from the comm link. "Too bad Kaji wasn't here to see this. Rotten coward, just leaving like that."
A few months ago, Asuka might have been disappointed. Probably angry too. Now, she only had the energy to smile ruefully.
"Whatever." Asuka shook her head. "Let him run. His loss."
Misato looked at her strangely. Asuka sensed that she had some questions, but thankfully didn't push the subject.
"We'll pick you up in a few minutes." Misato said. "Wait there with your boyfriend."
The comm link cut off after that. Asuka looked to her side.
"Boyfriend… She's so immature." She said. "Shame I had to share my first battle with you but… thanks for the help."
A grey haired albino boy smiled.
"No problem Asuka." Kaworu said. "I'll always be there."
"You saying there's two pilots coming?"
Shinji, Touji and Kensuke were walking. They agreed to make another attempt to go to the arcades today. So far no emergencies or super villains had interrupted them. Shinji hoped they could keep it that way.
"Yeah," Shinji said. "Misato had gone yesterday to make sure Unit 02 would arrive on schedule. She was going to bring me with her, but with two pilots on the carrier already so she decided it wouldn't be worth it. Someone had to protect Tokyo-3."
"Carrier?!" Kensuke yelled. "Oh man, I wish she brought us with her! Just imagine being on a military battle ship and those jets…"
"Probably woulda been trouble." Touji scratched his head. "So this Misato's like your guardian right? Is she hot?"
Shinji rolled his eyes. "Yes, she is my guardian… not going to answer that other part."
Touji pushed the door open. They were greeted with the sight of a scant few people pushing buttons on a couple of blaring screens, loud music overpowering any noise in the vicinity.
"Slow day today. Good. I hate waiting in line." Touji turned to Shinji. "You know anything about those pilots, Ikari?"
"Not much." Shinji shrugged. "I heard that the pilots fought an Angel in the ocean, so they must be good."
"They KILLED an Angel en route?!" Kensuke nearly yelled. "Now I gotta meet them, they probably know some super secret special moves in their Evas!"
"Whatever special moves they have, they won't save you from the game." Touji grinned. "Finally I can kick your sorry asses."
Touji led them across several machines. He turned left.
"Alright time for Street Fi- hey wait!"
Two strangers were in front of the Street Fighter II machine. A red haired girl in a yellow sundress was mashing buttons intensely while a grey haired albino boy in a black shirt and cargo pants stood there and watched.
"Just a few moments more… please no… yes yes YES!" Asuka threw her hands in the air. "I won!"
"That you did." The boy smiled. "No one can beat you."
"I think I might be the one to do that." Touji said. "Hey, wanna lose?"
"Tch," Asuka grinned. "Like someone like you is gonna beat me. Get over here."
Touji got into position next to Asuka. They stared at the screen ready for the fight.
"Touji's a real beast in Street Fighter II," Kensuke whispered in Shinji's ear. "He always wins… took so much of yen trying to beat him."
Not saying anything, Shinji watched the pair duke it out. Touji was using Zangief and Asuka played as Chun Li. It seemed to be an even fight, or as much as Shinji understood. He didn't play many games as a kid. Or really any at all.
"I don't believe we've introduced ourselves to each other." Kaworu raised his hand."My name is Kaworu Nagisa. My friend over here is Asuka. Pleased to meet you."
Shinji hesitated, though he wasn't sure why. His spider-sense wasn't detecting any danger and the boy in front of him didn't seem to be malicious or anything. There was just something… off about Nagisa.
Perhaps it was the eyes. Red ruby eyes. Like Ayanami.
Like Mayumi.
"Is there something wrong?"
Shinji blinked. Kaworu had been staring at him in concern.
"Sorry." He raised a hand to shake Kaworu's own. "Pleased to meet you as well, Nagisa."
As they shook hands, Touji yelled interrupted the two of them. Shinji turned to see Touji clutching his head in frustration.
"DAMMIT!" He yelled. "You were just lucky, Red! Lucky!"
"Awww is baby acting like a sore loser?" Asuka mocked, laughing at his misfortune. "That's what you get for trying to beat the best."
The jock growled at her mocking. As much as he hated to admit it, she had won fair and square. But there was one who can defeat this evil flame queen.
"Shin-man!" Touji turned to Shinji. "Avenge me! Beat her ass at this game!"
Shinji raised an eyebrow, feeling awkward for being called out.
"What him?" Asuka snorted. "A boring boy like you doesn't stand a chance."
"Oh, them fighting words Shinji!" Kensuke grinned. "You gonna let her insult you?"
Shinji was hesitant. "I don't think so. I never played any video games growing up."
"C'mon man!" Touji grabbed Shinj by the shoulders. He learned in to whisper in his friend's ear. "Don't your spider-powers give you awesome reflexes or something?"
"They do but not for this!"
"Just do this for me! Please!"
Shinji sighed. "Okay fine. I'll do it."
"There ya go!" Touji slapped his shoulder. "Kick her ass!"
They got into position. Asuka selected Chun Li again. After going back and forth, Shinji selected Ken.
"I hope you're ready to lose." Asuka said. "I'll be such a shame when you start crying over me beating you."
Both fighters got to work quickly. Asuka, being more familiar with the game, had Shinji on the defensive. Only his quick actions allowed him to dodge her attacks for very long. Without knowledge of the game, he pressed every button on the cabinet to see if anything stuck.
If he was normal Asuka would beat him in an second.
"WHAT THE HELL?! I LOST?!"
How fortunate then that he had the advantage of not being normal.
Touji and Kensuke cheered on their friend. Shinji smiled at them as Asuka kicked the cabinet in frustration.
"You've avenged me, brother." Touji rubbed Shinji's hair. "I owe you my life."
Shinji narrowed his eyes slightly. "Don't be so dramatic."
"For someone who's never played a game before, you sure know how to beat my ass in it!" Asuka yelled. "It's impossible!"
The group could only laugh at Asuka's little outburst there. Her eyes twitched in anger. How dare they…
Kaworu seemed to have picked up on his partner's growing mood. As such, he tried to defuse the situation.
"This game looks fun." Kaworu said. "Mind if I try it?"
Asuka looked at Kaworu. "Oh no, don't tell me you're gonna beat me at this too?!"
"It's not about beating you. I just wanted to try it out."
Shinji shrugged. "Sure."
The boy stared at Shinji as they took positions. Shinji decided not to take a risk, so he stuck with Ken. Kaworu went through the selection of characters on display. After a minute, he chose Vega.
Kaworu glanced at Shinji. He had a soft smile on his face.
"Good luck."
The fight turned out to be harder than Asuka's. Nagisa clearly had more experience with the game than his opponent did. He utilized a variety of combos and moves at just the right times, leaving Shinji no room to breathe. No matter what he tried, Shinji would find himself overwhelmed by Kaworu's devastating moves.
Shinji just wasn't fast enough. At a scant forty seconds, Vega stood victorious over the defeated Ken.
"Good game, Ikari." Kaworu bowed. "We were evenly matched."
"Why you… Hrmph," Asuka stepped out. "We're leaving Kaworu. Come!"
The red head stomped away from the group, but Kaworu didn't seem to mind. He just chuckled.
"There she goes." Kaworu said. "Please forgive her. We just moved here and our luggage haven't arrived at our places.
He turned his back on the group and made his own steps to leave. However, just before he disappeared from view, Kaworu glanced back at them.
"It was nice to meet you, Shinji Ikari. Perhaps destiny will allow us to meet again."
Shinji had a slight blush on his cheeks. "Yeah… maybe…"
By the afternoon, the trio had left the arcades.
Touji had been grinning like a ghoul, having beaten both Shinji and Kensuke in his own matches with them.
"Ha! You two are LOSERS!" Touji said. "The king of Street Fighter strikes again!"
Kensuke rolled his eyes. "Didn't you get overthrown just a few hours ago?"
"FUCK… I did. " Touji gripped jacket hard. "I gotta keep practicing… one of those days I'm gonna get back at her!"
Shinji and Kensuke for their part just shrugged.
"Hey Ikari, you think Nagisa's a bit odd?" Kensuke asked. "He was kinda focused on you."
"Huh?" Shinji said. "I didn't really notice."
"I'd say it was the piloting, but he didn't even bring it up." Touji said. "Just hope neither of them are in our class. Would be super annoying."
The boys hurried their pace some more. Day was giving way to night, framing the trio under an orange glow.
"I'm gonna split from here guys," Touji said. "I need to check up on my sister in the hospital. See ya later!"
Touji ran off, Kensuke turned to Shinji. "I'm gonna take off too, if you don't mind."
Shinji nodded. "Don't worry. We'll talk more tomorrow."
The boy watched Kensuke take off. Shinji himself walked back to his apartment. Swinging around was fun, but getting shot by Section 2 officers is the last thing on his mind and if Misato saw any bullet holes she'd freak out. Definitely something to avoid.
Unfortunately destiny is unavoidable, as Shinji would find out soon.
He opened the door to his home, curiously quiet as he came in.
"Hello? Misato I'm back home!" Shinji called out. "You're not making dinner are you? Please, let me handle that!"
Food poisoning is not good for a teenage boy's appetite, that's for certain. Without a fuss or a voice heard Shinji instead walked to his room.
His room… where a bunch of boxes were stacked together blocking his way.
"Who placed these boxes in here!?" Shinji asked no one in particular. "Misato what's going on?"
"No way… YOU'RE THE THIRD CHILD!?"
Shinji recognized that voice as soon as he heard it. He turned around to see the red haired girl from before- Asuka if he remembered- pointing at him.
"What the-" Shinji pointed at her. "How did you get in here?!"
"Oh hey you met," Misato walked in from the kitchen. "Shinji, this is Asuka Langely Soryuu. She's Unit 02's pilot, and will be living with us for the time being."
Asuka and Shinji stared at her in shock and horror.
"Are you crazy Misato?!" Asuka shrieked. "I can't be living with some boy! It's immoral and disgusting!"
"Why does she get my room?" Shinji asked. "Hey wait, what about Nagisa? Where's he living?"
"You met him too? Saves us some trouble." Misato drank a bit from her beer. "He's gonna be living in the Geo Front per his request. I tried to get him to move somewhere else but I was overruled."
"Enough about him!" Asuka stomped back to her room. "Just stay out of my way Third Child. Soon the superior model will take over your spot!"
She slammed the blinds shut. Shinji turned to Misato.
"Seriously, you let her have my room?"
"Nowhere else to put her stuff. I made sure to move your stuff into your lovely suite! Anyway can you make us dinner? I'm starving!"
Misato walked back to the kitchen without a care in the world. Meanwhile, Shinji let out a sigh.
"Something tells me trouble is brewing."
"We will interrupt today's lecture to introduce to you a new pair of students."
Shinji turned his head at that. He felt some relief that another repeat of Post-Second Impact history had been interrupted. At least, before he saw who was entering the classroom. They stood in front of the class.
"I'm Asuka Langely Soryuu." She said, flipping her hair as she smiled. "I'm the Pilot of Evangelion Unit 02. Pleased to meet ya!"
Touji's bulged. He flew up from his chair and pointed at the offending sight. "Wh-wh-wh-whaaAAAAT?!"
The other student bowed. "I'm Kaworu Nagisa. I hope I am not a bother."
The very presence caused all the students to murmur among themselves. However, Asuka had noticed that none of their faces displayed awe or reverence like she expected. Some stared at her in jealousy, which was normal. Others still stared worriedly, and at least one or two…
They showed contempt.
"Hello!"
Asuka put aside any thought of investigating further, as one girl had come up up to her.
"My name is Hikari Horaki." She said. "As the class representative I'm going to have to show you around the school and let you know about assignments you missed. Maybe provide tutoring?"
Asuka smiled. At least she had one supporter. "Thank you, but that'll hardly be necessary. I'm a college level graduate so I can handle homework by myself."
"If you insist." Hikari waved at her. "Let me show the two of you to your seats."
Kensuke for his part went back to his laptop. A few clicks, and he opened the chat room.
Kensuke: Holy shit they're the pilots
Touji: It makes little sense and yet it does
Touji: No wonder they were so insane!
Touji: No offense Ikari.
Shinji: None taken.
Kensuke: How come you didn't tell us who they were?
Shinji: If I knew I would have said something. Misato didn't tell me who they were exactly.
Touji: Well she's a bitch.
Kensuke: You're just upset she beat you that time.
Touji: Not denying that.
Shinji: Let's just give them a break. They got here and probably need some adjusting.
Kensuke: Yeah! Maybe I can get some sweet pics to sell.
Shinji: You are not doing that Kensuke.
Touji: Yeah Ken, Hikari might say something about it.
Kensuke: I wonder why you'd be worried about her reaction ;P
Touji: SHUT UP
Rei Ayanami does not get annoyed.
She gets bored listening to the teacher drone on about subjects she knew more in depth about. She gets curious when she hears the chirping of birds or catches a glimpse of the Spider-Man. She gets melancholic thinking about her purpose in life.
But annoyed? Rei didn't experience the emotion that much. Definitely not when she sat outside near the escalators, waiting for Shinji and the others to arrive."
"Hellooooo! You must be Rei Ayanami, the pilot of the prototype?"
Pilot Soryuu, however, put that to the test.
"I'm Asuka Langely Soryuu, the designated pilot of Unit 02," Asuka said. "I thought we would get to know each other. Pilots have to stick together you know. Let's be friends!"
Rei remained impassive. "Why?"
"Because it would be convenient. You know what I mean?"
"If I was ordered to I would do it." Rei shrugged. "As it stands, I do not see your company as convenient."
Asuka's eye twitched. "Fine! Have it your way, freakzoid."
"So this is one of NERV's flunkies… what a joke!"
Asuka turned around. A sizable group had formed behind her. One of them, a boy, had his arms crossed.
"If there's a joke I'd like to know about it." Asuka kept her infuriating smirk. "Who exactly are you?"
The boy stepped forward. "We're people who aren't gonna take your shit. NERV's screwed over the common man for too long and we're not gonna let elites like you ruin shit for the rest of us."
"Interesting." Asuka said. "NERV defends you from being wiped out by Angels, but you're telling me we're the ones screwing you over."
"No they don't!" Another student from the crowd piped up. "They didn't provide relief for our town when we were messed up and those Evangelions cause property damage and deaths! Spider-Man's done way more to help us out than they do!"
"Spider-Man?" Asuka laughed at that. "That guy's nothing but a fake! You're saying he's done more to save your stupid lives than NERV does with their giant mechas?!"
Just as those words slipped from her lips, she was struck by a harsh fist. Asuka found herself confused as she saw one of the students looking down at her angrily.
"Back off! Spider-Man's great! Way better than someone like you!"
Before the student could try to punch her again, a hand gripped his shoulder tightly. He turned to find Rei staring impassively at him.
"It would be unwise to hit a pilot." She said. "Step away from her."
The boy's eyes widened. Something about her... he didn't want to test his luck. He dragged his arm away from Rei's grip, and turned around.
"Typical NERV elites, looking out for each other. We're off guys."
The group moved away from the two pilots. Asuka sat there clutching her face. Rei stared down at her.
"Do you require assistance, Pilot Soryuu?" She raised a hand towards Asuka. "I could lead you to an infirmary for check up-"
Asuka slapped it away. "GO AWAY! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP FOR ANYTHING!"
She ran off in a hurry. Rei watched her go as Shinji, Touji, Kensuke Hikari and Kaworu walked in.
Kaworu was the first to speak up. "What happened?"
"Soryuu was assaulted for her connection to NERV." Rei said. "I intervened in the struggle but she ran away afterwards."
"I know those guys." Touji frowned. "Those were Kokoro survivors. No wonder they attacked her."
Kaworu was confused. "Kokoro?"
For a moment no one said anything. Kensuke and Touji looked at Shinji nervously. The boy only sighed sadly.
"Kokoro was a city a few days from here." Shinji explained. "I was living there myself before It got destroyed a few months ago due to a raging storm no one's been able to explain. In those months, there wasn't any aid provided so everyone had to move to different parts of Japan."
"It… does explain things." Kaworu said. "But why blame NERV specifically?"
"That I know!" Kensuke piped up. "When the Angels attacked people noticed that the AT Fields they projected looked similar to the fields shown in the storm. Because NERV didn't step in at any point people are suspicious of them."
"I'm just worried about Asuka." Hikari said. "That group might do something to her or Ayanami if we don't pay attention."
Kaworu raised an eyebrow. "Would they not go after Ikari as well?"
"Why would they?" Hikari asked. "Ikari is not a pilot… is he?"
"I…" Shinji looked down. "I haven't told anyone about it aside from Touji and Kensuke. I thought it would be better to keep it a secret."
Kaworu narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms in the process. "A sensible decision. Not one I can fault you for given the circumstances. I will go check on Asuka."
As he walked away, Shinji wondered if it was disappointment he detected in Kaworu's voice.
Ritsuko typed away at her computer.
It had been a busy few days. She had been tasked to look over the data collected from Asuka and Kaworu's time together in the entry plug when they fought the Sixth Angel, Gaghiel. A rather peculiar fight, being the first one fought outside of Japan.
'Probably the only one, given the cargo.' Ritsuko thought to herself. 'I'm sure the other divisions won't be so happy. Wonder if the specimen had been delivered…'
She felt a pair of hands hugging her back, just a little too close to her chest.
"You've lost some weight."
Ritsuko smiled. "Oh? You think so?"
"I do. I've definitely noticed. I think you're enduring an unrequited love."
Ryoji Kaji had always been a real charmer. His unshaven handsome face had a disarming smile that even Ritsuko couldn't help but appreciate. It had been years since they last saw each other, when she first joined NERV and he went off to play super secret agent spy for the U.N..
"Really?" Ritsuko said. "Well since you're so very sure…"
"Mmmm…" Kaji placed a hand over Ritsuko's chin, gently caressing her face."A woman with a mole like a tear on her cheek is destined to a life full of heartache and sorrow."
Oh how right he was. How she wished that wasn't true. Ritsuko opened one of her eyes and nearly jumped from her seat.
"If you're trying to put the moves on me I'm afraid you can't." She sad. "Not while that face is pressed against the glass anyway."
Misato Katsuragi pressed herself against the glass with clear, unrelenting furious anger obvious upon her features. If one wanted to pay attention, they could see the steam pouring from Misato's nose and ears.
"Hahaha, yeah I guess that's fair." Kaji chuckled. He sat down on the desk across from Ritsuko, who turned around to greet him properly. "It's been quite a while Ritsuko."
"Yeah, It has." Ritsuko said. "You're not as discreet as i remember."
"That man has never been discreet in his entire life!"
Misato slammed the door behind her. She stomped around the place, each step coupled with fists that shook with anger.
"You're finished hanging over Unit 02 haven't you Kaji?" Misato turned to face the two. "What are you still doing here?"
Kaji chuckled. "Well you see Misato, I received new orders this morning that I'll be sticking around. We could hang around like again we used to, gorgeous."
"Don't flatter yourself." Misato rolled her eyes. "Anything to report Ritsuko?"
"Nothing new about the Angel. However…" Ritsuko adjusted her glasses. "There was an abnormality with the synch ratios. Not just the fact that there were two bodies instead of one, but that they're out of synch."
"That's expected isn't it?"
"Yes but… Asuka's synch ratio was at 81% at the time… but Nagisa's synch ratio exceeded that, at 122%."
"Hold on," Kaji said. "You're saying he can synch with Unit 02 better than Asuka can?"
"Yes," Ritsuko said. "This in spite of the fact that Asuka had been training in it longer than Nagisa had."
Misato frowned. "Yeah I guess that is pretty odd."
Suddenly, the room turned red. The alarm rang in everyone's ears. They knew what was to happen.
"Angel attack." Misato yelled. "Call the pilots, prepare the Evas."
"This is what we're up against?"
The Angel in front of them was bizarre, much like the rest of it's kin. Given the codename Israfel, the beast had a vaguely blue humanoid form, it's face resembling a blue and red Yin-Yang symbol with two eyes blinking at the approaching Evangelions. Shinji was reminded of Sachiel, the first Angel he fought, when he looked upon the creature in front of him.
It stood in the water, across some decimated buildings from Second Impact. Israel waited for an opportunity.
"You have your orders." Misato's voice could be heard from the comm link. "Work together to defeat this thing. No sense in playing fair when we got the upper hand."
"Right," Shinji said. "Be careful Asuka. We don't know what we're up against."
"You stupid? Now's my chance to impress! Just sit there as I show you how a true pilot handles this!"
With that said, Unit 02 rushed past it's violet counterpart. Shinji could only watch as Asuka jumped from rooftop to rooftop raised the spear she had in her possession.
"ASUKA WAIT-!"
"HYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Asuka cleaved through the Angel. Blood poured from Israfel's body, guts spilling from the spear slicing messily and without remorse. It's hands moved desperate to escape, but unable to.
After a minute or so, all activity stopped. Unit 02, in it's red and gold glory, stood victoriously over the dead Angel.
"Well what did you think of that, Third Child?" Asuka grinned. "A fight should be clean and elegant."
Shinji rolled his eyes. "Not sure if I'd call what you left behind clean. Seems more like a mess."
"Shut up!" Asuka said, flushed. "Sometimes simplicity is best!"
The pilot of Unit 01 let out a sigh of relief. He expected some big twist or a change in strategy from the Angel. Perhaps a last minute suicide maneuver. But it seems today was fortunate for the two of them. Now if only Asuka didn't-
SPIDER-SENSE!
"Huh?"
Shinji had seen it then. The two halves of Israfel's corpse shook violently under Unit 02's feet.
"Asuka watch out," Shinji yelled "The Angel's not dead you have to move!"
"What do you mean it's not- WAIT WHAT?!"
The pieces shed their skin, twin shapes emerging from the mass. From it came near identical copies of the Angel, one dipped in shining gold while the other silver, their faces producing each a single half of the ying yang symbol that the original possessed.
"OH THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR!" Misato yelled from the comm link. "EVERYONE GET OUT OF THERE MOVE MOVE MOVE-"
Everything went dark on NERV's end.
"You humiliated us out there."
The two pilots sat there. Kozou Fuyutski was not a man either saw very often, but he seemed like a pleasant older man. They had never seen him raise his voice like before.
Then again, when the Commander is out of town someone has to pick up the slack. Fuyutski was not picked for being a kind man.
"Tell me children- because that is what you are. Children." Fuyutski said. "Why do we fight angels?"
"To be praised?"
"To protect people!"
"Wrong Asuka, but right Ikari." Fuyutski said. "We are here to protect humanity and stop the Angels."
He pressed a button on the remote in his hand. The screen displayed the legs of Unit 01 and 02, both of them buried deep into the ground.
"Not make asses out of ourselves like a circus carnival animal act! We had to swallow up our dignity and ask the military to deploy N2 mine kept the creature down."
Asuka got up from her chair. "Hey it's not my fault this monkey over here messed up my big screen debut!"
"What?" Shinji turned his head. "Last time I checked, you were the one who ignored orders and attacked the Angel!"
"Well you didn't back me up in time!"
"I wouldn't have needed to back you up if you didn't run in like a rookie!"
"Rookie, says you the pilot who didn't even train before coming here!"
"Hey I took out two Angels on my own, you had to take out one with another person!"
"Why you little-!"
"SILENCE, BOTH OF YOU!"
The duo had the decency to look embarrassed as Fuyutski face palmed.
"Look. Clearly you two are having issues working together properly. That's why we came up with a thing that will force you to."
Shinji gulped. "What… exactly are you proposing?"
"How good that you ask Ikari." Fuyutski said. "In the middle of pulling you two from the wreckage, Agent Kaji decided to grace us with his plan. Frankly it's a stupid plan but the MAGI and Doctor Akagi gave it her approval. You will perform it and save everyone."
"Kaji came up with this plan?" Asuka snorted. "If it's his plan it can't be that bad right? What's it involve?"
Fuyutski grinned. "Something humiliating."
"I'm telling ya, something's fishy!"
Touji, Kensuke and Hikari walked together. A few days had passed since the last of time any of them had seen Shinji or Asuka. Already that was strange, but after Rei and Kaworu disappeared later they knew something was up. As such, they went together towards Shinji's apartment to get some answers.
"They disappeared around the same time the Angel attacked." Kensuke said. "But we're not all dead, so that must mean they're not dead either."
"I hope so," Touji punched his hand. "Asuka owes me a rematch."
"Do you think they've been infected with something from the Angel?" Hikari said. "There's still so much about them none of us know."
Kensuke pushed up his glasses. "Yeah… Only one way to find out."
There they were, right in front of Shinji's door.. Hikari had been here a few times to deliver homework. Neither Touji nor Kensuke had been inside of this place.
Hesitant, Hikari knocked on the door.
"Hello?" She called out. "Ikari, are you home?
The door slid open.
"Hi."
Touji and Kensuke backed away, horrified by the sight in front of them. Their minds could not comprehend what they are seeing. Hikari herself had a deep blush on her face.
"SIN!" She screamed "YOU TWO ARE LIVING IN FILTHY OBSCENE SIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNN!"
"NO IT'S NOT LIKE THAT."
Shinji and Asuka stared at the group from their door. The pilots were wearing a pair of matching spandex dance uniforms.
"THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THIS!" Shinji and Asuka spoke in unison. "IT'S PART OF TRAINING!"
"Training?!" Touji pointed at the two of them. "What kind of horrible training forces you to act like siamese twins?!"
Someone laughed behind the two. "Ah, you must be Shinji's friends. Come in!"
A goddess. Touji and Kensuke's jaws could only drop at this goddess who had arrived from the heavens to liberate them from despair. Her beauty and grace knew no bounds, the light shining on her accentuating her violet hair, and her body…
"WHY HELLO MA'AM!" Kensuke bowed. "YES SIR WE ARE SHINJI'S FRIENDS!"
"ABSOLUTELY!" Touji bowed as well. "WE ARE MORE THAN THANKFUL BE LET INSIDE OF YOUR HOME!"
Hikari crossed her arms. "Perverts. I am surrounded by perverts."
"And that's the story. Shinji and Asuka are performing a dance routine in synch as part of a strategy to defeat the Angel."
The three students sat down on the floor. In front of them Shinji and Asuka laid on top of mats connected to a machine, presumably for the dance routine Misato had just mentioned. The students had also noticed Ayanami and Nagisa were there, sitting off to the side in anticipation.
"No offense, but that smells like shit." Touji said. "And I don't mean the sweat from those freaks."
"How is it going so far?" Hikari decided to ask.
Misato looked at her wards. "Not great. Shinji's going too fast for Asuka and she won't stop yelling at him for it."
"Well I wouldn't be yelling at him if this idiot didn't go so fast!" Asuka placed her hands on her hips. "Moron!"
"Maybe I'm not too fast." Shinji said. "Maybe you're too slow!"
Truthfully, he had been trying to go at Asuka's speed. However, this is one time where spider powers proved to be detrimental. As Spider-Man he was used to moving at his own pace, leaping through the air and running across rooftops in quick, acrobatic action. Because of that Shinji had trouble trying to slow down.
"Man with arguments like that no wonder people aren't taking NERV seriously." Kensuke said. "If only Spider-Man were here, he'd do this way better than either of you."
Asuka violently turned towards him. "Spider-Man? Don't tell me you're all gaga for him too! He's nothing but a fake!"
Everyone stared at her confused.
"I'm sorry but…" Kaworu said, "who's Spider-Man?"
"A fake?" Kensuke almost yelled. "Dude, Spider-Man's real! He even saved me and Touji's asses one time!"
"I saw him doing acrobats and walking up walls!" Touji exclaimed. "Do you not see the videos?"
"Ugh," Asuka rolled her eyes. "The ignorant sheeple. Yes, I know there's a Spider-Man. But he's not a person with super powers. And I can prove it!"
She did a light jog into her room, disappearing from view.
"Great you egged her on," Misato frowned. "Once she's like that she's not getting back to work."
"I feel bad," Touji said. "Shinji's gotta work with the Devil. I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone."
Kaworu raised his hand up. "Pardon me Captain, but would it not be more efficient for me to perform this… dance routine with Asuka? We have experience synched together."
"It would," Misato said. "But we haven't tested your compatibility with Unit 01 and that Eva's busy getting repaired. We're not taking any risks."
"I see…" Kaworu nodded. "That makes sense."
"So Asuka's gonna prove that Spider-Man is a fake?" Kensuke grinned. "This oughta be good."
A moment later, Asuka came back with some things in her hands. She threw something at the wall next to Touji.
"AH!" Touji ducked. "DAMMIT RED WHAT THE HELL!"
"Those!" Asuka pointed at the wall. "Those are some homemade gloves I manufactured in Germany to replicate his wall crawling. Thanks to NERV I was able to coat the gloves in a special adhesive that sticks to walls for hours at a time."
Sure enough, the gloves just hung in the wall. This earned some impressed awes from the crowd.
"The boots I have here are the same way." Asuka placed them on the ground, "I've studied Spider-Man since I first saw footage of him. I think he must have gone some undergone some intense parkour training in order to bounce around like he does. But he has to be plenty smart if he had to do this next bit…"
She places a pair of small devices on her wrists. Looking up the ceiling, Asuka presses the button with her middle and index fingers.
THWIP!
A streak of webbing hit the wall as soon as it was pressed.
"These web shooters are small enough to fit inside of any gloves," Asuka says. "He wears a belt underneath the costume to refill his shooters any time he goes out."
At the sight of an impressed crowd, Asuka couldn't help but smirk. This was what she lived for, praise and admiration for her skills. No Kaworu or Shinji to steal the glory, no humiliation from defeat. Just her and the validation.
"Wow you're pretty smart Asuka," Shinji said. "You built those web shooters yourself?"
"That's right Third Child!" Asuka said triumphantly. "Spider-Man clearly needed a similar level degree of intelligence if he wanted to operate on the field he does."
Shinji had to chuckle at that, scratching the back of his head. "I dunno, someone who dresses up in a costume to fight crime must be a little crazy if you ask me."
"Indeed," Kaworu said. "This Spider-Man sounds like someone who would masturbate to a comatose girl."
Everyone turned their eyes at Kaworu, who continued to smile pleasantly.
"I… what?" Shinji replied with extreme confusion. "Why would you say something like that?"
"Dude what the hell?!"
"THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
"Nagisa… you're crazy."
"Is everyone in here a pervert?!"
"Alright, enough about Spider-Man." Misato said. "Let's get back to training. Asuka we're doing it again."
"Actually Captain Katsuragi," Kaworu got up from the floor. "I would like to practice the routine with Ikari."
That made Misato frown. Asuka and Shinji were nowhere near ready for action, and the clock is ticking. If they wasted any more time the operation (that Kaji made up, that idiot) would fail and they'd all die. She should say no.
Still… perhaps if Kaworu and Shinji did well it could kick some motivation into Asuka.
"Alright Nagisa." Misato pointed at the dance floor. "You're up."
"What?!" Asuka yelled. "You can't be serious! He didn't even train properly!"
But Kaworu had already moved next to Shinji. he pressed his hands to the floor, and glanced at the boy next to him.
"Ready?"
Shinji nodded.
"Now…" Misato said. "Begin!"
Their movement was swift and smooth. Each step Shinji took, Kaworu matched it exactly. There was no mistake, no hint of progress needed. Anyone could see right from the word go that they were a perfect match.
Everyone stared at them with awe, admiring their form. Asuka... it dawned on her that she was done. There was no going back. She would be replaced.
"Whoah they were so good!" Hikari said.
"I know right?" Touji grinned. "Can he be Unit 02's pilot? He seems to know what he's doing, not like Red over here!"
Asuka couldn't believe this. After impressing everyone before they just… abandoned her like that? She was humiliated yet again. She was beaten yet again.
Stupid Kaworu…
Stupid Shinji…
Stupid everyone!
"Well FINE! if you don't need me, then LEAVE ME ALONE!"
She stormed off, everyone looking at her go in shock. Hikari went over to Touji and slapped the back of his head
"Nice going Touji," Hikari reprimanded. "You insensitive jock, you were a real jerk!"
Touji clutched his head. "Ow that hurt! I don't get what that was for?"
"Still, wonder who's gonna go after her." Kensuke said.
"I will." Shinji got up. "It'll only take a second, I promise."
He opened the door to the outside. Shinji had a feeling finding her wouldn't be too much trouble. Not many places to go when you're underdressed and not wanting to be seen. Asuka should be just around the hallway.
Before Shinji could move, he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Ikari," Kaworu said, "Good that I caught you. Try not to lash out at her, please? She's had a difficult time."
Shinji turned towards him. "I wasn't going to. Just ask her to come back peacefully. Are you going to help?"
"I can't." Nagisa's smile seemed to be sadder when he said that. "I'm a major source of her insecurities. If I went over there she would ignore me, call me names. You have to be the one to ask her."
"… how do you two know each other?" Shinji asked. "She doesn't seem to hate you as much as the rest of us."
Kaworu laughed. "Oh Asuka hates me. She's gotten better at being civil, but she hates me with a fiery passion. It ties into your question… the two of us were 'raised' together at NERV's Germany branch. She trained every single day to be the best pilot she could be. It was the only thing that gave her purpose. To her, I was her biggest obstacle. No matter how hard she tried I always seemed to do better than her at everything. Only recently have we came to a sort of understanding… before she learned about you."
"Me?" Shinji pointed at himself. "What did I do?"
"Exist. For someone who trained her entire life to fight Angels, an untrained civilian not only killing one but two angels singlehandedly… that was an insult to her pride. The Third Child became her single target, someone to surpass."
"And that's not how it turned out," Shinji sighed. "Alright, I see what's going on. I still need to bring her back."
"Yes. Just… Keep it in mind please?"
Shinji nodded. "I will."
Kaworu seemed to be satisfied with that. He turned around and went back. Unfortunately, Shinji still had a job to do.
So he turned around the hall. Sure enough, Asuka was watching the sunset. She seemed to have been contemplating something.
"Asuka…?"
Her red mane flipped as she turned around. "Oh it's you Shinji… don't worry, Third Child. I'll be back soon. I'll pilot the Eva and do the job. That's all you need me for right?"
"I'm sorry," Shinji said. "Touji acted like a jerk."
"No it's fine just…" Asuka looked away sadly. "The Eva is all I have. It's what I live for, what I trained, bled tears for… then you and Kaworu come in and wreck my world. People hate me. I don't seem to have anything else."
She stared at the city below her. "In a way, I envy Spider-Man. I don't know if he has powers or not, but… seeing videos of him bouncing off the walls, swinging through the city like no one owned him. It didn't matter what people thought of him, he rules the skies. He had his own identity, and he made himself into something with his own two hands. Nothing I have is mine…"
Asuka closed her eyes. Then she felt a hand caressing her shoulder.
"That's not true though," Shini said. "Even Spider-Man's been hated by people before. You're a smart and talented person, Asuka. Making those web shooters, analyzing what he does and building off of that? That's something you came up with on your own. That intelligence? That belongs to you. No one else has that. You are better than you think."
For a second, Shinji would have sworn Asuka had been smiling. It disappeared quickly, replaced with her usual smirk. But it was enough to bring her back to her usual. That was enough.
"Why of course!" Asuka said. "I am the great Asuka Langely Soryuu after all!"
Shinji smiled. The two stood there, the sunset framing them in shadow as the apartment grew darker.
"Yes you are… Let's get back to work."
"Fuck yeah."
The next few days proved fruitful.
Units 01 and 02 stood over their fallen enemies, the dust from the explosion having cleared. Unlike before they didn't fall over each other or hit the ground. This time they stood tall. Together.
"We did it Asuka…" Shinji said. "We beat the Angel!"
She said nothing. Looking over the video link, Shinji noticed a contemplative look on her face.
"Asuka?"
"The people…" She said. "They're not going to be grateful, are they?"
Shinji shook his head. "Probably not. People are always going to be scared. And really? They have every reason to when giant robots are out there fighting monsters. Whoever wins or loses, people are gonna get caught in the crossfire."
"How do you handle it then?" Asuka asked. "How do you deal with it?"
"Honestly?" Shinji said. "I try to empathize with them. When lives are on the line and people depend on you, it's important not to act like you're above them. Once you do… it becomes all too easy to turn into the villain."
Asuka sighed. "Sometimes, you do speak sense Idiot Shinji."
A group of students sat near the escalators.
They had been talking about their families, how NERV hadn't been paying them all that well, how surprising it was that the Evangelion's didn't cause more damage to the city this time. They thought that they had gotten rid of Asuka when they confronted her the other day.
Imagine their surprise when they heard someone clear their throat. Imagine their surprise when Asuka stood in front of them. They wondered what she was doing here.
"I'm sorry." Asuka said. "i'm sorry about my attitude the other day. I understand that you hate NERV and we didn't do a very good job with helping you guys out. My arrogance was entirely unwarranted and I apologize."
The group looked at her in surprise. They hadn't expected an apology from her any time soon, let alone when she returned. Some of them were pleased at this.
One of them, was not. The boy stepped in front of them.
"Yeah?" The boy said. "Well we don't forgive you bitch. You're just another NERV bootlicker waiting to stomp on us at any time!"
"Hey!" Asuka yelled. "I'm no bootlicker! I'm out here to defend your asses from monsters out to blow us all up!"
The boy readied his fist. "Well here's what I think of your protection!"
Just before any punches could swing, a web landed in between the two. Someone jumped down from the lamppost he had been hiding in.
"Hey I'm pretty sure that a security team is watching from behind the bushes and could arrest you guys at any time" Spider-Man said. "Pilot punching just isn't a viable strategy you know?"
"Spider-Man?!" Asuka said. "What are you doing here?"
"S-Spider-Man?!" The boy said surprised. His eyes narrowed. "This isn't your concern. She's from NERV!"
"That she is." Spider-Man said. "But she's also a pilot, one of the few who can pilot an Eva. One goes down and the world does. Even in terms of NERV Management she has the least amount of control over the process."
"Why are you defending her?" Another student said. "You some kind of NERV shill?"
"Nah. NERV is a shady military organization and I wouldn't trust them within a twenty foot pole But if you're gonna go after anyone, blame the Commander. He's the one who left you guys in the dust and not paid your parents for their services."
One by one, the students started nodding and agreeing with what Spider-Man said.
"He has a point," said another student. "We apologize Asuka. We'll go after the real targets this time."
Soon after the crowd dispersed. Spider-Man and Asuka were left alone together.
"I didn't need your help you know." Asuka said. "I had it under control."
Spider-Man shrugged. "I'm sure you did. But I had to make sure they wouldn't try something like this again. Toodles!"
Launching another web line, the web slinger did his thing and swung away.
Section-2 agents came upon Asuka, who stared behind the Spider-Man as he left.
"So that's Spider-Man… what a dork."
Author's Notes:
I have a new story, "A Miraculous Tale of Rubybug and Cat Blake" out now. Give it a read if you can!
Surprise, Kaworu is in this story. One of the most annoying things about Evangelion fanfics (when they even bother to include him) is how he keeps getting turned into a villain who hates Shinji. Well fuck that shit, he's a supporting character and a good guy here. Deal with it.
I'm glad everyone caught the Latveria reference in the last chapter, but I'm kind of disappointed nobody noticed other Marvel references I've inserted into chapters. Some of these include The Savage Lands, Wolverine and Reed Richards. We won't be seeing much of them, but I'm confirming that the world of this fic is a fusion of Evangelion's world with the Marvel Universe and other Gainax properties. If enough people ask for it I could write an explanation of how it works.
After reading the responses and giving it some thought, I decided to continue with my original plan of Shinji ultimately ending up with Mana. Most readers seem to like the idea of the Pilot Trio being platonic friends and you know what? So do I. That is what is going to happen from now on. I also calculated the amount of chapters that will be done and the total amount as of right now will be 41. Maybe 42 depending if I want to do an extra chapter.
Oh and something cool! As it turns out, an artist by the name of Maypoint did a Spider-Shinji drawing! I don't know how to link things, but the name of the piece is "art I drew for a crossover I read awhile back". www. deviantart maypoint/art/art-I-drew-for-a-crossover-I-read-awhile-back-840366812
Time for responses!
RealRemainder: I hope you're safer, and that this chapter soothes your worries!
Castle Mulder: I can assure you, we are NOT going the Ultimate Black Cat route.
Nexji: Actually, Mana Kirishima is a character from an Evangelion video game called Girlfriend of Steel that has appeared in some Evangelion mangas. She predates our good pal Ejirou Kirishima by a decade.
keybladelight: Negative on all of those fronts. The story is Shinji Ikari: The Amazing Spider-Man, not Shinji Ikari meets the Marvel Universe. Bringing in the Avengers or X-Men would only raise plot holes about how come none of them stepped up to take out the Angels.
Gohan jr: You bring up an interesting point about Shinji and I think the difference between him and other Spider-Men comes down to the nature of their respective tragedies. In most versions Peter Parker let the powers get to his head, which cost him his uncle because he let a thief go in his arrogance. Shinji's own brand of selfishness is more about retreating into himself when things and people got complicated, which cost him the lives of Yamshiro and Mayumi. Shinji's growth is about not wanting to fall into the same trap again, which lead to a more compassionate and selfless attitude.
Anyway, Spider-Man battles a villain in the next chapter "Predator!"
Omake:
"Rei Ayanami: The Unbeatable Squirrel-Girl" by Johnny Freeman
Rei was exhausted.
It's been another drag of a day at school. Not much to be learned but plenty of homework and a lot of time to do it. It shouldn't be too much of a problem. All Rei had to do was just get back to her dingy apartment and focus. Simple, right?
Just before Rei began to work, there was a tapping at the window. To her surprise, she saw that it was a squirrel with a familiar pink bow.
Oh dear.
She sighed deeply as she opened the window.
"Tippy-Toe? Whats wrong?"
"REI! You wont believe what the squirrels saw on the streets!" Tippy Toe exclaimed. "One of the super villains from Kokorois in town!"
Rei blinked. She didn't have a tv… or really anything to let her know of the world going on around her. This seriously bugged Tippy-Toe but nonetheless she continued.
"It was this guy! They call him the Vulture! He's a really scary looking guy and he EATS people! PEOPLE, REI! We gotta stop him!"
Rei shrugged.
"I think we should led Spider-Man deal with this." Rei said.
"But Rei! What if he goes out to hurt people and Spider-Man can't help? We gotta at least give spider-man a hand with that!"
Rei hesitated. On the one hand, she was trying to limit any Squirrelly Nonsense to a minimum out of concern NERV or the Commander would find out, plus this Math homework was super important (or so she was told) for her future. On the other hand, to leave a dangerous criminal loose within Tokyo-3 would be unwise. It was her duty as a hero to stop dangerous criminals. Rei knew what she had to do…
"Very well. But we need to make this quick, I have to finish an assignment for tomorrow." She explained to the little squirrel.
"We need to Hurry then! Who knows what sort of terrible scheme he'll get up to!"
"H-hello, welcome to the Tokyo-3 C-c-coffee shop how can we h-h-HELP you?"
Kiyoshi Amachi, The Vulture, stood in front of the counter. He seemed pretty relaxed for someone who had broken out of prison and killed two guards. He didn't even bother getting new clothes to disguise his appearance. But then again, escaping from the ruins of Kokoro does drain one's batteries and he needed a quick pick-me-up. This coffee shop was a nice stop before he went on his merry way.
"Give me a black expresso." Amachi calmly ordered.
The barista looked at the menu. Out of all the things that was ON the menu, a black expresso was not on it. He looked at the scary looking man who picking something out from his teeth (with a knife no less!) before mustering the courage to say...
"I'm Sorry b-b-but we don't s-serve a... black expresso."
Kiyoshi gritted his teeth, nearly causing the barista to piss himself with horror. He looked up and chose a different order.
"Fine... Just give me a normal expresso and a scone."
"O-okay.. But we're all out of scones." The barista exclaimed
"I can wait."
The barista made the mistake of correcting him.
"No, I mean... W-we're out of the ingredients for scones."
The Vulture lost his patience. He grabbed the scrawny little shit by the neck and slammed him into the counter.
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU KNEW YOU DIDN'T HAVE SCONES AND HAD THE AUDACITY TO NOT TELL YOUR CUSTOMERS ABOUT IT?! WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS ARE YOU PEOPLE RUNNING?!"
"I was gonna put the sign up later!" The barista said. "Honest!"
"Pathetic... I was feeling nice to spare you but I guess I'm going to have to take quick bite for the Road!"
Amachi pulled out his knife to get read to carve up some dinner, when suddenly he got pelted with...
An acorn?
Amachi turned to find the unlucky fool who did that, and he saw a young girl with pail skin, red eyes and natural blue hair. She wore a brown aviator jacket, brown shorts, a domino mask and a bushy squirrel tail. And on her shoulder was a squirrel with a pink bow-tie.
"What in the fresh fuck is this?" Vulture muttered, reflecting the audience's thought process.
"I am the furred protector of this city, the one who stalks the trees for criminals and lame-o spaghettios like you... But you can call me... Squirrel Girl."
"Chit Chuk Chirrut Chit Chit!" the squirrel squeeked.
"... more emotion? I suppose I could try, but-"
"Chit Chuk Chirrut Chit Chit!"
Everyone was... weirded out, to say the least. I mean, it was already weird when she showed up but to have a hero who delivers everything in such a unenthused monotone made the experience all the more surreal. Tippy-Toe simply shrugged and chittered in her ear.
"I don't know how to make it sound any more heroic, Tippy toe." She answered
Amachi, who was in the mood for this insane bullshit, tossed a knife directly at her to shut her up. Thankfully, Rei had the reflexes necessary to duck before the knife could even graze a tuft of hair on her tail.
"Okay then. Tippy... Chit Chit Chirrut."
The squirrel understood as it exited behind Rei to fend off the villainous cannnibal. She jumped into the air, delivering a kick that sent the Vulture flying back into the wall. He pulled two more knives from his trench coat, tossing them both at the same time. Rei slid across the ground, dodging the knives to deliver an uppercut.
Amachi kicked her off, giving him an opportunity to pull out a knife and swing it at her. He could barely even touche her. Vulture kept his distance up, raising the knife up towards his opponent.
"I have to admit, I'm impressed..." said the Vulture
"Is it enough to convince you to give up and surrender?" Rei asked.
"NOPE!"
He went threw the knife. While Rei managed to dodge it, she didn't expect the vulture to punch her in the face. As soon as he had an opening, Amachi drew the last knife and embedded it unto her shoulder. Rei yelped in pain as he pushed her down into the ground. He kept his foot on her chest.
"You know, I've eaten cockroaches who put up more of a challenge... then again, I never ate a Squirrel girl before..." He said, licking his lips. "Maybe one bite won't hurt..."
"No thank you, I'm not on the menu. Chit chut!"
From out of Rei's Aviator Jacket, Tippy-Toe jumped into the Vulture's pants.
"Wait what- OUCH! AUGH! GET OFF ME, FILTHY RODENT! GAH!"
He let go of Rei as he flailed around with a ravenous squirrel moving around and biting him everywhere. This was now Rei's opening, she delivered a kick into Amachi's groin, causing him to gasp in pain before Tippy-Toe could escape from the cannibal's Shirt. After that, Squirrel Girl delivered the final blow, a strong punch that knocked his lights out.
Rei kept her eyes on the Vulture, Tippy-Toe climbed up from behind her and chittered.
"ChiK Chut! Chuk Chik ChukChuck Chuk!"
"What kind of one liner?"
The squirrel shrugged before Rei said the first thing that came to mind.
"That was nuts."
Tippy-Toe simply shrugged and chittered in her ear. She turned to the Barista, who's mood had shifted from scared coward who pissed himself" to Scared Coward who saw something pretty damn cool.
"Thank you very much, Squirrel Lady!" The barista exclaimed. "I uuhh... I was gonna say that if you want something from the shop, it's on me."
"No thanks," Rei replied "I don't like coffee."
"Oh, uuhhh okay then? Well… is there anything you don't want here? I mean we got scones, muffins, cookies…"
The Squirrel tugged at the Aviator jacket and pointed to the menu.
"Can I have two macadamia cookies?"
"You know, you got a tail! You could've just whipped him off of you!" Tippy-Toe exclaimed as she savoured the Macademia Cookie.
"I keep forgetting to use it." Rei Replied, "I am also certain that it wouldn't have done enough to harm him."
Tippy-Toe Shrugged as she finished off the cookie.
"So, You wanna go on patrol? The Squirrel Network said that Vulture wasn't the only nasty guy loose in the city! We could go out and bag a buncha nuts in one night!"
"I'm sorry, Tippy-Toe. But I really need to finish my assignments. Perhaps next time."
Rei climbed through her apartment window. She took off the domino mask, staring it with a fond smile on her lips. She remembered the summer where she first got her DNA spliced with squirrels causing her to become the Squirrely Crusader of Tokyo-3. Ayanami had not regretted a single day since. She took drastic measures to ensure her identity remained a secret-
clank
Aaaaaand Rei turned around, having failed to notice Doctor Ritsuko Akagi enter the room. The scientist stood there with a gaping jaw at sight of the little Yui Ikari clone with a big bushy squirrel tail.
Really what else could Ritsuko other than-
"What the fuck?"