Chapter Ten

"If you cannot hold me in your arms, then hold my memory in high regard.
And if I cannot be in your life, then at least let me live in your heart."
― Ranata Suzuki

The air was clear and cold, biting at her face as she stood on the dock, salt tickling her nose. The drive to the ship was nearly three hours; the group rocking together the whole way in almost complete silence, even with the addition of the Senshi causing everyone to squish together in the back of the truck.

The sizeable military vessel would be their home for the next week, the trip from Ine to Tancheon, North Korea, only a small part of their journey. It would take nearly two weeks to reach their goal of Omsk, Russia, and already the others and herself were weary. Of the trip and each other.

Usagi practically begged the others to stay in Kyoto, the area the safest around at the moment with Jadeite cleansed. But not a single one listened to Usagi. They all hopped on the boat before her with their bags and not a care in the world. Ami had gotten them a ship and proper clothing, everyone receiving thick coats and boots. Mittens, hats, sweaters, and even a few pairs of snow pants were in the mix. Toki managed to dig out some bright pink mittens and a matching beanie; the pom on top a collage of pinks and white. The rest of the clothes were on a somber note; dark colors and simple designs.

Usagi had avoided speaking to or being alone with Mamoru, something he seemed to be perfectly fine with even with the tight quarters. Their last conversation still buzzed in her brain, though, a mixture of joy and anger. She had been thrilled with his admission of not having any kind of relationship with Saori. But then, he had called her a job. Being with Usagi was just a job. Therefore, she was just an obligation to Mamoru. Even with his unattachment, she was more heartbroken than before.

Add in the impending doom that was waiting for her in Russia (two Senshi she had never met and had to win over even with their lack of care for her), and she was a bundle of nerves. Makoto had been kind enough to give her the run down on their next meeting. Sailors Neptune and Uranus were holed up in Omsk, Russia, the dead center of Beryl's controlled land. Russia was large, and a lot of it would be a winter wasteland this time of year. The few areas that Beryl controlled were dense with people and Youma. Omsk was the front lines.

The area was under constant turf war, the humans and Youma gaining and losing ground almost daily. A few had given in; some areas were utterly under Youma control. They would be avoiding those areas completely as much as possible. Neptune and Uranus were known for; diving head first into such regions, stirring things up, and then leaving without a trace. Ami assured Usagi they would track them, but she wasn't sure if they would follow if Neptune and Uranus were or went into a 'Youma zone'.

North Korea slowly grew before Usagi's eyes, standing alone on the bow, only a few short moments of peace and solitude, she was sure. It was great being back with her Senshi, but they were as relentless as Mamoru and Toki, not leaving her alone for longer than a second. She hoped all of that would wear off soon, that a majority of it was due to her return, them missing Usagi. And fear that it would happen again.

It also had Usagi wondering if they viewed their time and ties to her as a job, just as Mamoru did.

Reaching up, Usagi pulled her hat a little further down on her head, the wind blowing it back a little at a time. She was freezing, but this was the only place to hide, even for a few moments.

"They left you alone? I can't believe this; I knew I couldn't trust them!"

She turned, Mamoru raging as he appeared to be stuck. Not wanting to leave her alone but also wanting to go and chastise her, Senshi. "Relax, Mamoru, I snuck away from them. They're probably searching high and low as we speak."

An eyebrow twerked up on his face. "And you're okay with that? Running them ragged and scaring them for no reason?"

"I have a reason! I need some peace! I just want to be left alone for a few minutes to think! And they gave me no choice!"

Usagi was out of breath. A combination of the cold, her frustration, and hearing Mamoru's voice for the first time in too long. "Is that why you have been avoiding me?"

And now Usagi wished for silence again, spinning back towards the water and shoreline. "I haven't been avoiding you. I just do not need you anymore. You should never have come this far."

Mamoru was silent, and she would have thought he left if it weren't for the ever knawing knowing that he was still near. "Are you ready? For Omsk?"

"You mean the level of hell that is trench wars and a complete loss of humanity? Yeah, I'm game."

Mamoru leaned against the rail next to Usagi, and she watched him in her peripheral, his stare in the distance. "It's okay to be scared or overwhelmed, Usagi."

She rolled her eyes. "I am so tired of everyone being so serious."

"What would you like us to be? We are in the middle of a war!" Mamoru barked.

"A war on humanity, and all of you act as though we have already lost! If we don't act human, then they win."

He stood, looking down at her. "Alright then, what is the human response here?"

Avoiding his gaze for a few more seconds, Usagi thought it over. Then she did her best impersonation of Mamoru's voice as she spoke. "Wow, Usagi, I thought we were toast there for a minute in Kyoto. Thanks for saving our butts, and you are totally going to rock Omsk."

Turning, she glanced up at him with a smirk, finding a grin on his face in return. "We were almost toast in Kyoto. But you also put us in that danger you saved us from..."

"Oh, come on, Mamoru. You are just jealous of my prowess!"

Usagi was leaning back, her hands holding the railing as she swung slightly from side to side, goading him. "Excuse me?"

"Your little, electric vibes don't scare me. I can take you!"

She turned, putting her fists up and hopping as if in a boxing ring. Planting a few soft touches with her fist to Mamoru's arms and chest, he laughed, pushing her hands back. "I don't know; I think we may be matched there, Sailor Moon."

Usagi dropped her fist; Mamoru did not take her up on her fake match. "Yeah, right, I could take you."

"Nice to see you have changed your tune. The whole sullen girl isn't you."

"Of course, I have!" She turned from him, going back to the shoreline, the details of the rocky shore almost clear now. "I have Ami and Rei back and Makoto. And I am going to get the other Senshi to follow me. And the nine of us will take down Beryl's army so I can kick her butt!"

"Careful now; you're starting to sound like a certain fourteen-year-old, I know." She bristled, reminding Usagi of her past self that she lost, and Mamoru's annoyance with her resurfacing had her questioning herself. "And what about me? I didn't hear you mention anything about me in your grand plan."

Usagi's bravado drained from her in an instant, feeling like the wind was knocked out of her. "I'm the one who left five years ago, Mamoru. This is my fault." Mamoru tried to speak, to interrupt her, but Usagi stopped him with a hand in the air and a warning glare. "It was never your responsibility; it was mine. And I was the one who was supposed to be there for the Senshi; they failed because of me. My curse as a disappointment has now affected the world. It is up to me to fix it -to correct my mistake. Not you."

He tried to speak again, but she turned and left -ignoring every call he made after her.

oOo

It was strange; even with the Senshi there, Mamoru was still somehow in charge. But then, he always had a leadership air to him: a natural.

They landed in North Korea; the scenery was not much where they landed, mostly flat endless plains. Not what Usagi remembered from her textbooks in school, but that was a lifetime ago, and everything had changed.

The group was now made up of twelve. They all disembarked, Mamoru leading the way and all of them with heavy packs on their backs. The best part about the hat Toki found for her, it was a little big, allowing her to tuck her real hair up inside. It did feel a little precarious, but so was using the Luna pen. Even with the tiny amounts of energy it expended, it was still a risk.

They would be walking almost five miles to Tunam, a small (but still Youma run) town, and they all had to be extra cautious. The element of surprise and secrecy was vital in both their speed in the journey and defeating Beryl. If Beryl knew Sailor Moon was coming or that she was alive, things would get infinitely more complicated. And things were hard enough.

Ami was on one side of Usagi, Rei on the other, and Makoto at her back; the four of them walked together in their plain clothes. Even though Usagi was sure the three of them were recognizable in Tokyo, she had no clue how 'famous' they were worldwide. To anyone who didn't know them, they would look like a couple of friends just walking casually along…. save for the nine armed guards that surrounded them.

The four of them might not be particularly suspicious, but the others didn't know how to blend, their rough looks sticking out almost as much as the weapons on their packs.

Fred walked in front of them, just behind Mamoru and Toki, and she skipped ahead a little to reach his shoulder to tap. "Why is everyone so tense? We're out of Japan, isn't that the worst of it?"

Fred shook his head. "Not really. I know I won't be relaxing till Whales. That place has it together the most."

"What should I expect in Tunam?"

She sent the question out to the whole group, a few glancing Usagi's way at the question but the only ones with answers on that were the Senshi, Ami gently tugging her back to her side. "You should expect it to look just like any other city or town. That was the most shocking for me at first."

Rei looped her arm around Usagi's, holding her next to the two of them. "But if you look closely, you will see how it's anything but normal. You need to watch your face and your emotions, Usagi-chan. Not to mention your heart."

"What does that mean?"

"It means don't go half-cocked trying to save the whole town."

Looking up, she caught Mamoru's glance before he turned back around, facing forwards and ignoring her again. Makoto squeezed Usagi's shoulder from behind. "The hardest part is going to be doing nothing, Usa. Especially for you."

They were right about the town seeming normal, the first Youma run town Usagi had ever seen, and it looked like a healthy, functioning city. Nothing like Japan; the wasteland it had become was a stark comparison as people seemed to roam freely in the streets. Cars passed, occasionally honking in irritation. They even passed a small playground; covered in children running around and screaming as they played.

It wasn't until they stopped, a few working out a deal for a van for them, that she noticed the problems. Every street lamp had a small camera on them, including a microphone. It wasn't even safe to speak here. And a few dark vans kept rolling by. She knew it wasn't the same one (the look slightly different), but they still had large surveillance equipment on top. As if the cameras weren't enough.

Looking up and around and not paying attention, a woman bumped into Usagi, both of them tumbling a bit. It caused the woman to drop the groceries she had in her arms. The two of them quickly scooped it all up while Usagi made sure to apologize, sure the fault was her own.

The last orange in Usagi's hand, she held it out to the woman, still crouching near the ground. Usagi smiled at the woman, but for some reason, the action terrified the woman, and she grimaced and stumbled away quickly. It was then that Usagi also realized, kindness was not only rare: it was forbidden.

The deed already done, Mamoru pulled her away, a scalding look on his face. Neither of them said a word, they were all being watched, and she may have already given them all away.

He gently pulled Usagi away when one of the dark vans came to a screeching halt just across the street. Mamoru pulled her harshly, his arms around her as he turned her away, but Usagi could still see. Her hands were on his chest, and she could feel his heart pounding underneath them, fear and adrenaline coursing through Mamoru at whatever was about to happen.

With Mamoru's arms around Usagi tight, he tried to hide her from whatever was about to come out of the van: Mamoru thought it was coming for her. All for an apology and a smile.

The doors slammed open, bodies jumping out and running around the van so fast, Usagi instantly knew they weren't humans. So Youmas were the ones driving the vans around?

A couple across the street from them had frozen, holding on to each other similar to how Mamoru held Usagi now. The two creatures, dressed in black and hiding most of their strange colored skin, grabbed the woman. The man fought against them, trying to hold onto the woman tight, and Mamoru's grip on Usagi tightened. The woman screamed, trying in vain to hold onto the man, their arms clinging to one another until they were pulled too far apart to touch, and even then, they stretched out in the air in hopes of reaching each other.

"Usako, you can't."

Usagi didn't even realize she was struggling against him; Mamoru held on tighter because she pushed hard against him to get away. To help the couple that no one else so much as bothered to look at.

The woman was tossed into the black abyss of the van; the doors slammed shut while the man fell to the ground and wept. It sped away; the only evidence that anything even happened was the woman's purse left splayed on the ground and the man lying next to it.

It was as if Usagi's energy was sapped right out of her, going limp in Mamoru's hold. But he held firm, keeping her from hitting the cold pavement. "What's going to happen to her?"

He hesitated, clearly not sure if he should tell her or not. "She will be drained of energy or…. reconditioned."

"Reconditioned?"

"Brainwashed, Usagi. Turned into a faithful follower just to taunt those that loved her." A shiver ran up her spine, not sure which was worse and Mamoru tugged at her, gaining her attention. "We are doing all we can, Usagi. We can't save them all, but we can save most."

Taking her eyes from his, Usagi looked back at the man still crumpled on the ground; the woman's purse was now in his arms like a treasure. "I'm going to save them all."

oOo

Omsk was still days away, even in the van they all rocked in. It was small, but at least it was warm. Half of them were in one van, the other half trailing behind them in another smaller van. Of course, the Senshi were in her van along with Mamoru. Toki was in the other one, and it felt strange to be separated from him now. Saori took his place, sitting next to Mamoru, an act Usagi didn't miss in the slightest.

The woman claimed the seat in front, like a lioness over a kill.

Even though Mamoru had made it clear, there was nothing between them on his side; it still stung when she was thrusted to the back of the van. He may not have feelings for Saori, but at least she wasn't an 'obligation' to him; some kind of job Usagi still didn't understand how he got.

Usagi had to look over Makoto to see the world outside as it flew past the window, barren land of snow and the occasional home. They passed through a few suburbs, not stopping or slowing in the slightest as they drove through the only bits of civilization Usagi had seen in a while. No one was out of their homes anyway; everything appeared to be locked up tight, even in the middle of the day.

They pulled off, going a ways off the road to a tiny plop of woods. Not enough to get lost in or play a decent hide and seek game, but enough to place the vans behind so they weren't easily seen from the road.

Circling up slightly, the vehicles both stopped, and everyone began to unload. They had been driving for sixteen straight hours, and Usagi was genuinely surprised they stopped at all. The group was set up for sleep, a few gathering wood and creating a rather large fire; the cold was almost overwhelming already.

Her boots crunched in the snow as she made her way to the rest of the group, but then Rei grabbed her gently and pulled her back. "We should probably make our own camp, Usagi-chan."

"What? Why?!"

Makoto looked over at the group, shaking her head as she spoke. "I don't trust them."

Turning, she faced the three of them, glaring. "You mean the group of civilians that braved this Youma filled apocalypse, leaving their homes and loved ones behind, all so they could risk their lives to get me to you and still have stuck by me? That's the group of people you don't trust?"

They had the decency to look ashamed; Ami was the only one brave enough to speak against her. "That's what makes it so suspicious, Usagi-chan. Why would they put themselves at so much risk?"

"Because Mamoru asked them to!" Their necks popped, looking at the ground and one another so fast it would have been noticed by a blind man. "Oh God, not you guys too?! Why does no one trust anyone anymore?"

"Usagi-chan…" Rei's mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried to figure out just what to say about it all. "There are still a lot of things you don't know. Not just about the years you missed, about our past lives…."

"And she needs to figure those things out on her own." Ami was warning Rei. It was a strange thing to see Ami scalding someone.

Usagi's head hurt, tired of secrets and confusion; it was all so frustrating and caused her brain to burn. "Fine, don't tell me. But you all still need to work together and get over whatever all your issues are. I have forgiven all of you for whatever you think you're at fault for, so you need to forgive one another. And trust one another."

With that, Usagi turned on her heel, making it to the camp, and sat with Toki, who wrapped an arm around Usagi without fear. The three joined a few moments later, sitting off to the side but still part of the group. Looking around, Usagi saw that Mamoru was missing. And so was Saori. It had Usagi bristling again. And she did not like the feeling in the slightest.

Toki mistook her shiver with cold, pulling her in tighter to his side. Pushing her feelings of inadequacy aside, Usagi looked up at him and gave him her warmest smile. No one asked her any questions, like the last time they sat around the fire. It seemed either they figured enough out to be satisfied or knew they didn't want to know. Or they were too scared to even try in front of the Senshi.

Instead, they sat around telling stories, hilarious montages between the group of brave people. It was nice to see another side of all of them. Well, most of them. Yega was yet to speak, and Usagi was starting to think he couldn't. Utena would smile occasionally but didn't say much other than curse Matsuri or Turner for messing up a story.

The outsiders, Usagi and the Senshi and even Toki, remained quiet, listening. She was pleasantly surprised when the conversation started to include Toki and Mamoru in their stories, telling of crazy antics the two of them had done and even a few dangerous tricks they had tried when trying to make a difference or save a life. Usagi was slowly learning how each person around her owed Mamoru their lives.

Saori plopped down next to Utena out of nowhere while Mamoru was still off and out of sight. She wore a grim look on her face (nothing new), but Itsua picked up on it for some reason. "Are you still seriously chasing around Chiba-san?!"

"Shut up, Itsua!"

Utena was glaring harshly at the men; Tark wasn't affected, as usual, laughing his head off at the situation along with Matsuri and Turner. "Really? You don't know when to give up, do you?"

Usagi noticed Toki getting a little tense next to her; a strange reaction from him, she thought. Utena looked like she was about to get up and smack them around a bit. "And why should she? The two of them make sense!"

They broke out into fits of laughter again, even Toki chuckling slightly along with Yega. The first time she had ever seen him react so much. Usagi glanced over at the Senshi (who didn't seem the least bit concerned), and they looked over at her occasionally as if to gauge Usagi's reaction as she was theirs.

"Because, Utena, Chiba-san isn't going near her, or anyone else for that matter! The only woman he is interested in is his wife!"

Usagi pricked up, Toki suddenly squeezing her far tighter than necessary. Tark just said Mamoru had a wife! And Mamoru had told her he wasn't married or even seeing anyone. Did he lie to her? Why?

"He isn't married, you ass!" Saori didn't sound nearly as sure about it as she had so many other things.

Usagi felt like she was at a tennis match, looking back and forth between speakers as she desperately wanted someone to explain.

Turner sat up, getting defensive of Tark and the others. "How would you know, Saori? Besides, you weren't there when he talked about her."

They grew silent, and Usagi felt as though she would die, especially if they left the conversation there. "Talked about who?"

All eyes turned to her; Usagi's question came out so small, but everyone heard it. Saori threw a hand over at her. "See, even Usagi has never heard of this mystery woman, and she has known Chiba-san longer than you ass hats!"

They turned back to one another, grins on their faces, ignoring Saori. "I heard him talk about her once. I'm not sure she is his wife, but she is the only girl I have ever heard him talk about that way before or ever."

Utena grimaced, glancing over at Matsuri. "Yeah, but none of you even know who she is. She could just be some imaginary person."

"She is too real! The only reason he became a scavenger was for her!" Turner was chomping at the bit, wanting to prove this woman's existence for some reason.

Tark took a calmer demeanor about it all, looking over at Usagi as he spoke. "None of us have ever met her or know much about her. We don't even know who she is; we just know of a girl he has mentioned from time to time. But he never gives a name or anything."

"You all have far too much free time on your hands if you're worrying this much about Mamoru's love life."

Toki was coarse with them; his discomfort in the conversation was clear. "Even you have someone waiting for you, Futahara! We all just care about the man, that's all!"

"Yeah, and he has shown no interest in any other girl or boy these past three years we have all known him, so she must be important to him, right?" Matsuri asked the group, but it was more like a rhetorical question that no one answered. Save for Turner.

"I know who she is." All heads snapped to him, the boy gloating at knowing more than all the others. At the same time, his eyes looked over at Usagi and Toki. "And they know who she is too because Mamoru knew the mystery girl long before the world turned to hell."

Interrupting the whole scene, the Senshi stood abruptly. "Usagi-chan, we are going to secure the perimeter." Rei glared down at the others, a silent but clear warning as the three of them left her in Toki's care. Motoki was the only one they seemed to trust.

Usagi gave them a nod but was still reeling from the new information provided. Mamoru was in love with someone? Someone they knew from their past? She had never seen him with anyone, but that wasn't saying much; the two of them only bumped into one another from time to time. So now she went from having Saori as his girlfriend to some mystery girl who had his heart.

Pushing gently, she gained her freedom from Toki. "I need to… have a moment."

"Usa…"

Motoki reached for her, trying to pull Usagi back down, and the others looked at her curiously, especially Turner. "Don't you want to know who the girl is, Usagi?"

Pulling free of Toki's grasp, she stood before them all, finding each of their eyes one at a time. "It's none of my business, but I'm glad Mamoru has someone. And I hope he can be with her again soon."

They were silent as Usagi walked away, hoping she managed to keep the bitterness out of her voice when she spoke to them. This was hardly the thing to be worrying about now, but Mamoru kept consuming her thoughts for some reason, just as he had when she was still a silly fourteen-year-old. It seems as though some things never really change, her feelings for him being one of them. No matter how much time passed or how the world changed, Usagi was destined to be in love with a man who would never love her back.

A large rock sat on the edge of the small oasis in the snow, and even with its icy surface, Usagi sat on top of it, looking out across the flat ice. Makoto was close, as was Ami, the two of them dancing just a few feet away from Usagi but not coming in close. They must have sensed her need to be alone.

The sun, hidden behind gray, thin clouds, was getting low, peeking out at the horizon between layers of mist. Usagi would have to return soon, and she prayed they weren't still talking about Mamoru's love life. Oddly enough, knowing that Mamoru had stuck by one girl all these years made Usagi like him just a little more, and it wasn't due to his unattainability. He was so dedicated; it was heartbreaking to love a girl for so long and not be with her? Just thinking about it made Usagi's heart hurt, tears forming in her eyes. It was more than she thought was normal, how the thought of Mamoru pining for so long made her almost depressed.

"Usagi?"

Startled, she turned to Mamoru's voice, so lost in her misery Usagi didn't even notice his approach. She quickly wiped at her face, her tears already chapping her cheeks, while he settled next to her on the rock that suddenly seemed far too small. "Sorry."

"Don't be. Are you… thinking about that woman again?"

It took her a moment to follow Mamoru's thinking, a hollow bark of a laugh coming from her. "I should be, shouldn't I?"

"What do you mean by that?"

Usagi shook her head, keeping her eyes straight ahead even as he scooted closer to her. "The group was telling stories, a lot of things I missed and mostly how they all knew one another. How they knew you."

"...Oh…"

She laughed again, trying desperately to get rid of the ice in her lungs. "They are all very interested in you, by the way. And have a few theories about you. Especially your love life."

Mamoru stiffened, causing her to look back at him, finding him pale. "They do, do they?"

He was mumbling, struggling to get out even the simplest of questions. "To start, they think you took up scavenging for some secret girl…."

"I did." Suddenly, she found it hard to breathe, regretting taking the conversation this way. "In a way, I guess." Usagi was silent, staring at the ground, watching her feet as she flicked them back and forth. "Did they… say anything else?"

She shrugged. "I left. But I think Toki and I shamed them out of continuing the conversation." His relief was so palpable, she could sense it without even looking at him. "I'm so sorry, Mamoru. You have had to go so long, being apart from her."

"Why are you sorry?"

Needing some distance, she hopped off the rock, keeping her back to him. "If you weren't so busy saving my family, then maybe you could have been saving her. Making sure she was with you today. Instead, you had to go back for my stubborn family. All because I was asleep."

"Usagi, that's…. that's not your guilt to bear."

"Isn't it?"

A startled gasp ripped painfully from her throat (tears threatening again and making it sore from holding them back) when his arms wrapped around her tight. His heart pounded in rhythm with hers against her back. "Usako, please stop blaming yourself for all of this. It's not your fault."

Her brain was spinning, finding it hard to think. Probably due to the lack of oxygen it was getting. "Then whose fault is it?"

"It's….. not yours."

She huffed. "That's hardly an answer, Mamoru."

His hold on her tightened and Usagi's struggle to breathe only increased, but not due to him holding her too tight. "It's my fault, Usako, not yours."

Shrugging against him, she tried to loosen his hold so she could look at him, but he held her still. "That makes no sense, Mamoru."

"Yes, it does." His mouth was at her ear, hot breath tickling her skin while all of it tickled her brain.

"Have we…. have we done this before?"

He stiffened but didn't loosen his hold or move away from her ear. "No, Usako. We have not."

They grew silent and yet it still wasn't uncomfortable, his arms remaining around her. Usagi had to remind herself why she was out there -alone- in the first place, and still, she found it a struggle to push him away. "Mamoru… you shouldn't give up. You shouldn't give up on her."

He managed to pull Usagi back, even after all her struggling to get out of his hold. "I'm not."