Jud

Jud opened the bedroom door carefully, quiet as he could in case she was asleep. She wasn't, though. Instead, she sat on the edge of the bed, a look of blank terror on her face, the look she had that other night, the look she had when she was scared and in pain.

"You alright, darlin'? Aunt Eller said you was feelin' sick."

"I know what you did." Her voice was disturbingly level. "That man, that El Gallo, he came to the barn to talk to me. He told me."

Jud felt his body go cold, knew it would be useless to come up with some lie; she was smart enough to see through him.

"Laurey, I'm—"

"Don't tell me you're sorry" she spat, as though she could read his mind. "I just gotta know why. What made you think you had the right to do somethin' like that? To ruin my whole future? To decide everythin' for me?"

He bristled at the word 'ruin', like her life with him hadn't been just the way she wanted it to be in every particular, like she wasn't constantly telling him what a good husband he was, like he didn't care for her more than anything in the whole world.

"'Cause you didn't give me no other choice. We was supposed to be together, you said so, too. I knew how it was supposed to be, I knew I was better for you than…than anyone else. But you never let me near you, couldn't even talk to you. You always thought you was so much better, I had to show you I was good enough for you"

She laughed, hollow and sharp. "Is that what you thought? Oh, I never thought I was better'n you, Jud Fry. I just knew there was somethin' wrong inside you, somethin' hateful I had to be scared of. I always knew it, just ignored it for a while, but I was right all along. Everyone was right about you, and I should've listened to 'em. But you just decided all on your own that we was supposed to be together; I hardly even knew you."

He beat his fist into his palm, to prevent himself from hitting her, giving her another reason to hate him. He took a deep breath to stop himself yelling at her too. "Right. Said your say. You're still my wife, though. Can't do anythin' about that. Been married almost a year, can't just change your mind."

"I know it. And don't worry, I've decided I ain't gonna tell nobody. It'll be easier that way, and I don't want no kind of fuss. We're gonna stay married, and, we'll…just keep goin' the way we've been goin'. I thought about it, and-and that's what we oughta do."

"Laurey," he gasped, relief flooding over him. "Thank you, I'll keep tryin' to be a good husband. I'll do anythin' you want, I'll buy you things, I'll—"

"Don't come near me" she put up a defensive hand as he unconsciously stepped towards the bed. "Don't you ever come near me again, you hear? Stayin' married is one thing, but if you ever get closer to me than you have to…"

He didn't argue with her, knew that staying married was enough to be grateful for. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I understand. So, um, I guess you want me to get the bedroll."

"No, Aunt Eller's got a suspicious mind. She'd start askin' questions, and…best to avoid that, I think. Just stay on your side of the bed, aright?"

He nodded.

"Turn off the light" she demanded, "don't want you to look at me."

He obliged and didn't even look at her silhouette when she undressed.

She slid under the covers, right up against one side of the bed. "If you touch me, I'll scream. Don't care if Aunt Eller hears; if you touch me, I'll tell her everythin', and a posse'd string you up before—."

"I understand" He lay down, huddling on his own side of the bed. He stared at the wall, knowing he wouldn't sleep at all that night. The years he'd spent being avoided and unwanted had been painful enough, but it was nothing compared to lying right next to the person he loved most in the world, unable to comfort her as she sobbed quietly. Knowing he was the reason for her tears. He felt tears prick his own eyes as he realized how much better her life would be if he were gone.

People would gossip—crazy Jud Fry; what kind of a man would kill himself with a girl like that at home?— but it would die down quickly. Laurey would remarry, of course, find someone else to love her. Maybe she'd miss him when her new husband didn't love her enough, maybe she'd finally realize Jud loved her more than anyone else could.

The tears slid down his cheeks as he listened to her sobs.