A/N - This one is back! And it comes back in time for Whumptober!
Prompt: No. 3: "Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon." - Journal | Solitary Confinement | "Make it stop."
Knife to the Throat
By Genavere
Chapter Four
It's too much, Mama.
Ink mixed with salty tears that dripped onto the expensive parchment—detailed and embossed with the Heartfilia symbol. Too important and costly to crumble up into discarded balls of trash on the floor, unlike the cheaper paper all around her.
All of this is too much, and nothing I do can make it stop.
Only a small lacrima lit her desk and created a small heaven from the darkness in the rest of the apartment. Curtains were shut, windows locked behind them. A chair sat snug under the handle of her door to keep anyone with a spare key from entering. Not even a fire had been lit in the fireplace to ward off the chill of the night.
The space she called home had become her own prison, a place of solitary away from all others. A confinement she sought after the events of last week.
How can I expect everyone to change how they do things for me? Erza can talk fine, but her written words are sharp enough to cause wars for a simple thank you. Gray has enough issues of being able to remember not to strip—the last time he did it in the middle of a carnival with children around.
Wendy is busy, and Carla is always there to put her foot down if she deems it overwhelming for the girl. Happy…
More tears flowed and ruined the rushed writing.
Happy cannot grasp the concept of when to keep his own words to himself most days. And his hands are always full of fish he manages to get from somewhere.
And Natsu—how can I keep forcing him to understand a completely different language than what he has already learned? Levy and I were able to pick it up fine, but we understand language! He can barely grasp the words please or thank you!
The tip of her pen bent in protest at how hard she pressed it against the surface on the last exclamation point. An angry blotch of ink swelled in the spot, then exploded as the pen gave in.
Her chair fell backwards with a clatter, screams of rage poured from her lips like the tears on her cheeks. Somewhere, the broken pen clattered against items in the apartment after chucked it.
Frustration unlike she had felt before boiled in her stomach, sent her heart racing, and her lungs overworked to the point of hyperventilating. It was too much…too much…
Pushing herself into the smallest, cleanest corner she could, her fingers dug into her scalp and gripped the hair tightly, even through the buildup of grease. It was so stupid. She was so stupid!
Taking over the task of teaching Natsu how to sign so they could even talk to each other should have been the step in the right direction. Books upon books laid stacked around her apartment about how to teach sign language—or they had. Now they laid strewed about everywhere and their pages torn to shreds. Even a book lover had their lowest moments, and all those books she had purchased to help them had become her victims.
When she had gone to the guildhall last week to check in with Porlyusica on her healing, and to see if the old woman had come up with any new ideas on possibly returning her voice, she had been surprised to find Natsu there. Not because of the early hour, or the fact that all of Team Natsu besides herself had been there, too, but because they were all supposed to be on a mission. Every single one of them.
Levy and Gajeel sat at the same table with them, along with the Thunder Legion and all the Strauss siblings. Even Warren sat with them. Besides Levy and Gajeel, all the rest had been assigned missions—something she clearly remembered after she had marked them in the books. It helped bring in some money until she could be cleared for missions again.
All of them being back at the same time had been suspicious, but when she heard her name and Natsu bury his face in his hands, she had turned away and went back to her apartment.
The first day, she had waited for Natsu to visit. He always came by, to hang out or to learn more signs—or try to learn. He grasped the hand movements, but kept forgetting which ones belonged to the correct letter or meaning.
She had been hopeful it would start to catch on soon. Besides Levy, having to write everything down she wanted to say, or have her friend constantly translate chipped away at her. There were times Levy could not be there, which meant she had to sign slowly for the others to understand her. That, or she had to write everything down she wanted to say.
But writing it down took time, and topics change fast in silence.
One time, shortly before Team Natsu went on the mission, a topic hit her interests and before she could stop herself, her mouth and hands began talking faster than anyone could understand. Each flick and scoop of a word, the swish of her fingers rubbing together, even the thud of her skin meeting. Those sounds filled the silence as she rambled on excitedly.
Then, the sight of the tears in all of their faces halted her. Even Natsu and Gray's eyes were red and gathered unshed tears. The tears hurt, she admitted, but the guilt that furrowed their faces felt like the knife all over again.
They had not understood a single word she had signed.
Everything that she expressed, in all her joy and happiness, lost.
Two days later, her team came to tell her they were going on a week-long mission.
"We'll do our best to behave so you actually get part of the reward!" Natsu grinned, giving her a glance at the happiness they used to feel before the incident.
"We don't have to do anything, it's you to destroys everything, Flame-brain," Gray grumbled.
"Wanna say that to my face, you ice-shaped moron!"
"Gladly, lava-breath!"
Seeing them act like that again made her smile.
What can I do, mama? she thought, despairingly. What can I do to make it stop?
Since she had seen them, nothing had been the same. Everything had closed in around her, and darkness overwhelmed her. The rest of them could be happier without her. They would not have to see the scar on her neck, struggle to understand what she signed, or relive that day ever again.
If she had just died that day, it would have been better for everyone.
That's not true, she tried to reason, tried to admit that those were just lies her mind tried to tell her, but they felt true. Felt like they had the ability to see how everything really was in the world. One could only be strong for so long before they crumbled, and that point had been long coming.
Pulling her knees closer to her chest, she prayed to just let the wall swallow her, to remove her existence from the world and let her friends continue without the hardships of dealing with a mute anymore. The truth of her reality finally hit her when she realized, her life had ended with the slash of that dagger.
A/N - This story came out way smoother than my flinch prompt, but I think I struggled a bit with that one. Been super proud that I have yet to miss a day of this challenge! All of the prompts have been listed on my tumblr, but the original story one will likely be put on here at some point.
Hope you enjoyed!