Surprise. It's a little earlier than expected. I made a little progress and am going to be busy later in the week so chapter up I guess.
Chapter 5: Mother and DaughterRachel was at a loss. She didn't know what to do with herself. With seeing Shelby, then her phone call with her dads, then the flowers… Ugh, the flowers.
Everything was spinning. She cried until she heaved, head hanging over the toilet until her throat burned from the nothingness that was spewing out of her.
The words played over in her head, stabbing her with memories. She just felt so disgusted and… just vile. Now she had vomit in her hair, too.
Without much thought, Rachel turned the shower on, moving the faucet all the way to hot. Stripping down, she got under the hot spray and let it scald her skin. The process started all over again. Despite the bath she just took, she needed to wash everything.
Rachel let the heat cascade over her body, her bristly sponge dug into her skin as she ran it over every inch. Her hand lingered on the fingerprints on her hip, tracing the fading outline, and again over the bruise on her thigh – marks so deep they were still there after a week.
She was disgusting, and no matter how much she tried, she couldn't get clean. She rubbed and scraped and lathered, but it never washed off. He wouldn't wash off.
All she wanted to do was scream… scream and cry. She didn't know which she wanted more. All she could do, though, was stay under the water, praying to every god there was for some sense of purification. What she did, though, was stay there until a pink tinge stained the water pooled at her feet. She needed to get out before she made everything worse.
Looking in the mirror, Rachel felt defeated. She just felt lost. Her eyes were shadowed by dark bags. Her skin looked dull and sallow. She didn't recognize or like the person she saw.
She threw her hair towel over the mirror and went to her room. She slipped into her most comfortable pajamas, carefully pulling them over her tender skin, locked her bedroom door, and slid into bed. She was alone. She had nowhere to be until Monday, and she had no desire to do anything.
Sleep didn't come easy, or at all. Instead, the hours ticked by with Rachel lost in her head and a paranoid whisper in her ear. The flowers and note made her think that he might come. She worried what he could do.
She worried what he might do again.
Eventually, the strain of being in bed, lost in her head, was more than she could handle. She just needed a distraction. It worked with Finn's death, so it had to work with this too.
So she cleaned. She started in her room and worked her way through most of the apartment. Rachel had a stack of old clothes that she was going to donate or dispose of. On top of the pile laid the dress she wore for the winter showcase. She never wanted to see it again. That one was going in the garbage.
Her room had never been neater. The entire apartment was dusted, mopped, and reorganized. Kurt and Santana were going to think they stepped into the wrong place.
By that time, it was already late in the afternoon. She threw herself into the cleaning frenzy and didn't allow herself to stop until everything was spotless. The flowers were tossed in the trash, hidden under week old take-out. Santana's nest of blankets from the couch were tossed in her room.
There was nothing left for her to clean. That meant there was only time for her mind to wander. So, when there was a knock on the door, panic gripped her heart in a vice grip. Her breathing quickened, short, fast, frightened breaths. Was it him? What did he want? What would he do?
She was frozen there, caught between running and hiding, and answering the door. Her mind was telling her to hide. It was screaming at her to get away while she still could, but her body wouldn't move.
The knocking continued, still she made no moves.
"Rachel?"
The voice allowed her to relax a little, some of the tension leaving her body, but she quickly tensed for a completely different reason.
"Rachel, please. Are you there? If you are, please let me in. It's freezing in this hallway."
Angrily, Rachel stomped over to the door, unbolting the many locks.
She said nothing as she opened the door, just stared at Shelby on the other side with a confused, angry glare.
Shelby didn't wait to be invited in, just stepped right by Rachel and said, "I've been out there forever. Didn't you hear me knocking?"
"I wasn't in the mood for company," Rachel finally responded.
Shelby stared at Rachel. She didn't think that Rachel understood just how much thought and effort went into getting there.
After the phone call with the Berrys, Shelby had another talk with her dad about what they had to say.
"They're worried, and now, you are. But Shelby, remember what I told you," Jack said, "If you do this, if you integrate yourself into her life again, you need to be sure you want to have a relationship with her and that you can handle it if she doesn't want that. Because it's on her terms now. You had your chance."
"I know," Shelby said. "I don't know what else to do. I… I'm worried. I was worried before I talked to her fathers, but that made it worse. I didn't feel like I had a right to feel what I was feeling."
"You always have a right to feel however you feel. You just don't have the right to act however you want on those feelings when they're at the expense of someone else."
Shelby sat with his words for a quiet moment before stating, "You know she's spending the holidays all alone?"
"Who is?" Maggie asked, coming back into the room.
She gave them as much time as she could, but it was late, she was pruny from the bath, and she really needed something to drink.
Shelby looked like a deer in headlights as she looked to her mother.
Jack, taking over, said, "Shelby's old student. The one we ran into today. She couldn't make it back home for the holidays and her roommates did."
"Poor thing. You should invite her to spend it with us."
"What?" Shelby asked.
"Yeah. Why not? It's just the four of us this year. Kim, Matt, and the kids are with Matt's family this year. Dan and Jaimie took the kids on vacation. We have the room, and tis the season to be hospitable. It's not like she's a complete stranger."
Shelby looked to her father who just shrugged in retuned as if he was saying, "It's up to you kid."
"I'll see what she thinks," Shelby offered.
"Make her say yes. The girl looks like she could use a good meal and good company."
Shelby nodded before excusing herself to get ready for bed. She gave herself some time to really consider what she was getting into and what she wanted. There was no changing her mind. She was going to see Rachel and reach out, but she wanted to do it with a clear idea of what she hoped would happen while preparing for disappointment. The truth was, she was afraid. She had always been afraid, but it wasn't about her now. It was about Rachel, making sure she was ok, and whatever could come out of it, relationship wise, she'd take.
Tomorrow, she told herself, she would go see Rachel.
After a good night's rest and finishing her morning routine with Beth, Shelby found reasons to delay her journey. The nerves and anticipation didn't usually get to her, but she couldn't convince herself to go.
Rachel was the one person to instill fear in Shelby enough to make her want to run. She was the one thing Shelby always wanted, and upon failing Rachel and putting too much expectation and pressure on the initial meeting, she was afraid to fail again – afraid to not be good enough.
Eventually, when Beth tired herself out and went down for a nap, Shelby headed to the Spotlight diner. She didn't know Rachel's work schedule, but she thought she'd try there first. She hoped neutral territory might make Rachel more receptive to a visit.
When another waitress told her that Rachel wasn't on shift, Shelby moved to the next location. After a long subway ride to Bushwick and GPS walking directions, Shelby arrived at Rachel's with a sense of nervousness, excitement, and trepidation.
She stood outside Rachel's door pacing for a good ten minutes before she grew the courage to knock. No answer. She continued knocking, then pleading for Rachel to come to the door when she thought she heard shuffling about.
When the door finally opened, Rachel looked like a mess. Her eyes were red and puffy, her clothes were dirtied, and she looked tired. And, of course, their meeting would start with attitude.
"I wasn't in the mood for company," Rachel told her, and Shelby could practically hear the silent, "get out."
"Well, I'm here now."
"Why is that?" Rachel asked.
"I came to talk to you."
Shaking her head, Rachel said, "I guess we should start with something easier. How did you know where I lived?"
Not wanting to tell Rachel about her talk with the Berry men, Shelby covered, "I went to the diner. When you weren't there, I told one of the waiters that you were my daughter and I wrote down the wrong address, but I wanted to surprise you with my visit."
"I'll have to clarify my two dad, no mom situation with them."
Silently telling herself not to take any offense to Rachel's attempts to get her worked up, Shelby simply asked, "Are you alright? You look like you've been crying."
"I haven't," Rachel said a little too quickly.
At least, she hadn't realized that she was, but when she reached her hand up to her eyes, a little wetness pooled onto her fingers.
"It's from dust," she lied. "I've been cleaning all morning."
Shelby looked around.
"I can tell. I've never seen a place so clean – especially not with three 20-year-olds living in it."
Sighing, Rachel cut to the chase. She wasn't in the mood for a fight. She was just… tired. So tired.
"Why are you here, Shelby? What do you want?"
"Do I have to want something to come see you?"
Rachel's narrowed, emotional eyes told her that yes, she did indeed have to want or need something to see her daughter. Experience taught her that.
"Can we sit? Talk?"
"What is there to talk about, Shelby?"
"Please," she begged.
"Fine," Rachel said, pointing to the couch. "Just give me a second to change. I'm covered in dust and cleaning product."
Rachel disappeared behind her door, and as soon as she did, she leaned back against the wall, breathing deeply. She really didn't have it in her to have another Shelby showdown. Seeing her at the diner was enough, forcing her to put on a smile for her family was too much, and now this… She just didn't have the energy. She really wanted to get whatever this was over with.
Shelby, though, didn't want it to go that quickly. Rather, she hoped that it didn't go so poorly that she was rushing out.
While Rachel was changing, Shelby looked around the place. She wondered if it was always this clean. Getting up, she perused the pictures they had on the walls. There was some of Rachel and her dads, Kurt and his family, Santana and hers. There were glee pictures and one with all of them and Finn…
There were pictures of moments Shelby would never be part of, things she would never know about. The one with Rachel and Santana surprised her the most. She didn't think they were friends, but, she realized, she didn't know much about Rachel's current life. Obviously, things changed, and the trio looked happy in that picture.
When Shelby heard Rachel come back, she asked, "You live with Santana and Kurt? How'd that happen?"
"Kurt's my best friend and Santana invited herself to stay on our couch and wouldn't leave. So now she splits the rent, and we get to live a little better."
"That's surprising."
"Why? Because I'm incapable of having friends?"
Every ounce of her dripped anger and defensiveness, like everything Shelby said was an attack. That wasn't how she wanted this to go.
"I just never saw the two of you as friends."
"Well, things change. People change."
"You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, Rachel. It was just an observation."
"Feel free to keep those to yourself. Santana's not my best friend or anything, but the two of us helped each other through some things and came to a friendly agreement."
"Okay," Shelby said, not wanting to press further and say the wrong thing. "What's this picture from?"
Rachel walked up to where Shelby was standing and looked at the picture of her and Kurt with Isabelle Wright.
"Isabelle Wright and some of her fashion industry friends came over for Thanksgiving. We sang and danced around… It was a good time. That one," she pointed to another picture of them, "is from the New York Ballet Gala. We got to raid the sample closet and dress up."
"Impressive."
Shelby took the moment to look over Rachel again. She returned dressed in a long turtleneck and leggings looking much more composed and together.
"Yup."
"Are Kurt and Santana here?"
"No. They went back to Lima for the holidays."
"You didn't want to go?"
"I have work." Rachel paused before adding, "Now that you looked down memory lane, do you want to tell me why you're here?"
Sighing, Shelby nodded and sat on the couch. Rachel took the single armchair adjacent the couch.
"I was worried about you," Shelby started.
Rachel scoffed.
"I wanted to check in."
"Why?"
"Rachel, when I saw you at the diner, I didn't know you worked there. I meant what I said. I didn't seek you out again."
"Great. Thanks for letting me know. Is that it?"
"No. You're not listening."
"Say what you need to say, Shelby."
"I didn't go there to seek you out. If I had, I wouldn't have bombarded you with my parents and Beth. But that doesn't mean I wasn't happy to see you."
"Sure."
"Rachel."
"Shelby, what do you want from me? I don't want you in and out of my life. This year has been hard enough. I don't need you making it worse. What do you want?"
She knew she wasn't going to get anywhere deeper, so she thought she'd jump to the end goal.
"I was hoping that you'd spend Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family… If you don't have other plans."
"What?! Why? Why would I do that?"
"I know I hurt you, Rachel. I could apologize until I'm blue in the face and it wouldn't change a thing. Maybe you don't need a mom, but it looks like you could use a friend."
"I have friends, thank you. I don't need another."
"Honey…"
"Stop right there. I'm not your honey. I'm not your anything."
"That's fair, Rachel. Seeing you again… Look, I wanted to reach out after I heard about Finn, but I didn't want to make things worse for you by adding to that already emotional time. I'm sorry I didn't do more. A Facebook message… Anyway, now, we're living in the same city – kind of. We're bound to see each other. I'd like to be on friendly terms."
"You think a forced 'family' gathering would make that a reality?"
"No, but I think it could be a no pressure situation where you and I can spend some time together with my parents as buffers."
"Your parents and Beth… who have no idea who I am. I'm just some old student. Old students don't show up for holiday meals."
"They do if they're invited."
"Sounds like a great time," Rachel humorlessly laughed.
Shelby was trying. She really was, but nothing was coming out right and Rachel wasn't trying at all.
"If you have plans, I understand, but no one should spend the holidays alone. We do a mixed holiday – both Hanukah and Christmas. We missed Hanukah, but you can come to Christmas. You may not consider me family, but my parents are nice. They want you there. It doesn't have to be anything other than a friendly gathering. I'm not asking you to come introduce yourself as my daughter and start calling them grandpa and grandma. I'm not asking you to be Beth's sister. I'm just asking for a chance to make things better between us in whatever way works for you."
"Why now? What's changed?"
"So much has changed. I've changed. I'm sure you have too. I just want things to be better than they have been for both of us. I don't want to have to avoid you if I see you or have you feel like you need to do that either. I don't want us to be uncomfortable around each other. Nothing will ever change if we don't change it."
"I have plans," Rachel lied.
"We're going to my parents' house. It's a small equestrian property in Connecticut. It's not a long drive… We're staying for a few days. You wouldn't have to, of course, if you wanted to come for just the day. I…"
She never finished the thought. There were many truths here. One, she wanted to make sure Rachel was alright. Not only were her fathers worried about her, but now, so was Shelby. There were a lot of little things that even she, as someone who wasn't a constant in Rachel's life, could see weren't right. Two, Shelby did want to have a relationship with Rachel. Maybe she could never be Rachel's mom. Maybe she would never hear her say that, but they could be more than strangers. Three, even if they didn't know it, Rachel deserved to know more of her roots, and her family deserved to know Rachel.
"I don't understand any of this Shelby. Being around you is a constant state of whiplash. It's up and down. One minute you want in my life, the next you want to pretend I don't exist, and then, in the same breath, you're inviting me to spend the holidays with you."
"It's confusing to me too, Rachel, but I know it's been a hard year for you. I understand loss and grief. I understand how it messes up everything. I don't want to make it harder, and if being around me will, I'll leave you alone. But what I saw at the diner – with the panic attack – was a girl that could use an escape, maybe even a friend."
"It wasn't a panic attack," Rachel declared, "And I told you, I have friends."
"I know you do, but I can be one too, if you want me to. Just think about it, ok? That's all I ask."
"I told you that I have plans."
"I heard you," Shelby said. "But sometimes plans change, and if yours do, I want you to have options. My parents would like it if you came, and so would I. Just keep that in mind."
Shelby stood.
"I've taken up enough of your time, so I think I'll head out, but here's my card. It has my number – in case you lost it. Call me or text me – whichever – anytime. Let me know if you change your mind. You don't need to worry about presents or anything. Just coming would be more than enough."
Shelby stood and stilled, staring at Rachel one last time. Her arm itched to reach out and touch her daughter's face, but she held back.
"It was really good to see you, Rachel. I hope you come."
Rachel didn't say anything, just walked to the door and opened it, allowing Shelby to pass through. Once her mother was out of the apartment, she bolted each lock again.
She had no intention of going, but, sometimes, life had other plans.
When Shelby left the apartment, she was feeling defeated. She had gotten no definitive answers. Would she say that Rachel was ok? No. Did she have any evidence? Not really and she didn't want to send the Berry men into a tailspin of worry. Rachel was dealing with something, but she didn't know what. It could have been something simple. Her perceived ideas of what was going on were just that, ideas. She could barely get Rachel to talk to her. There was no way Rachel was going to spill her secrets and let her in. That would take work that Shelby was willing to put in, but, like her father said, it had to be on Rachel's terms.
So, the ball was in Rachel's court. The next move was hers. All Shelby could do was wait, see, and hope for the best. Until then, she had to let Leroy and Hiram know that she didn't learn anything, but Rachel was relatively ok. It was the best she could offer, and they took it, but she promised that she would keep trying, that she would keep an eye on Rachel.
Shelby hadn't heard from Rachel since she went to her apartment. Rachel had checked in with her fathers again, a brief phone call with little of substance exchanged. She planned to spend Christmas Eve working at the diner and Christmas home alone. Until she couldn't.
Because of an anticipated storm and the general slow down on the actual holidays, the Spotlight would be closed on Christmas Eve. She was called the day before her shift to let her know she wasn't needed.
"Great," she thought, "Now I can stay home and do nothing… more of nothing."
She still worried about everything. Aside from the flowers, she hadn't heard anything more from Jasper. That didn't stop her from thinking she could. She would see him eventually. She would have to face him and… deal with it. That didn't mean she wanted to.
Didn't mean she was prepared when it happened.
Monday night, Rachel was trying to be as normal as possible, follow her old routines and went to NYADA to spend a little time in the studio. The halls were empty and quiet. It was just what she needed. She was sore, but gave her all to the music and dance. She needed to escape. She was just reaching to turn off the music, when a hand stopped her.
"Miss me?"
She nearly started shaking then and there.
"J… Jasper. What are you doing here?"
Her body instinctually tried to become smaller, shrinking into herself and stepping away. But his hand gripped on her wrist.
"I forgot to turn in some of my evaluations that they need for final grades. If I didn't turn it in today, it would set everything back a week."
"Please let go of me."
"Why? Scared?"
"Nuh… No."
He had a smirk on his face. He had her right where he wanted her.
"Did you get my flowers?" he asked, watching her reaction. "You did. That's great. I thought they were beautiful. I meant what I said. We should do it again some time. We had so much fun last time."
Rachel attempted to pull her hand away, but he yanked it tighter, grasping and tugging until her arm was pulled behind her and her back was flush against him.
He leaned down, lips ghosting her ear.
"I have to go now. But it was nice to see you again. I'm sure I'll see you soon, though. Don't miss me too much."
The tension in his hold was quickly released. Rachel, who had been trying to pull away, fell to the ground landing with a thud. She let out a cry of pain and heard him laugh as he walked away.
She didn't even care that her wrist was hurting, or the healing bruises were aggravated again, she only cared that her heart was beating too quickly, her vision clouded with black dots, and her brow was licked with sweat. Fear was eating through her body like a parasite.
He was back. He was back and she'd be seeing him again.
She needed to get away.
Tears pooling in her eyes, she did her best to keep them at bay. She crawled over to her bag, pulling out her phone and sent a text.
"This is Rachel… Berry. Is it too late to come tomorrow?"
An immediate response came from Shelby, "Absolutely not. We're leaving at 9am if you want to drive with us."
"I'll take the train. Send me the address?"
Looked like she was going to Connecticut. An awkward holiday seemed a lot better to her than sitting in her apartment afraid of her personal boogeyman.