Well, hope you enjoy this chapter. It's a long one, but I didn't want to break it up so we'll have it count as at least 2 chapters. It will be another week or two before the next update (sorry!).
Chapter 7: Christmas in ConnecticutMaggie snapped a picture of Beth asleep on Rachel, crashing after the cake sugar high. Rachel was trying to wiggle out of the little girl's grasp after that. Beth was a ball of heat, and she needed to pee.
"I've got her," Shelby said, reaching down to grab Beth. "Time to get her into bed anyway."
"Mommy?" Beth asked, half awake. "Did Santa come?"
"Not yet, baby. We're going to get you into bed and when we all wake up in the morning, Santa will have come."
"Lots of presents?"
"Lots of presents."
"I like Santa," Beth mumbled.
Rachel smiled as she watched Shelby carry Beth away. It opened something inside her that she didn't know was there. She had a great childhood. Her fathers loved her and cared for her, and she them, but it wasn't always easy being the daughter of two gay men in a relatively conservative Ohio city. She had been picked on and bullied for it along with everything else about her people seemed to hate. Seeing Shelby with Beth just made her see what she could have had – not in place of her fathers but alongside them.
She never really knew what she was missing before. Part of her wished she never did because, while she wanted for nothing, the one thing her fathers couldn't give her was understanding what it was like to grow up as a girl in Ohio, to grow up and go through things only a girl goes through. Beth would get that. She would get Shelby and the family that came along with Shelby. Rachel just needed to remember that nice as the holiday may end up being, she was only visiting this world. They weren't her family.
"Rachel?"
Pulled from her thoughts, Rachel looked to Maggie.
"Sorry. What?"
"I asked if you'd like to join us for a glass of wine and some of Santa's cookies. Beth set them out before the movie, and we have to eat them to prove he came."
"The crazy amount of presents marked 'From Santa' wouldn't have sold it?"
"Not in her mind."
Rachel smiled, and Maggie lifted the plate in her hand.
"Join us?"
"If it's ok with you, I think I'll head to bed. With the train and everything, it's been a long day."
"Absolutely. If you need anything, let us know. Extra blankets and pillows are in the closet. If you want to shower, there are clean towels hung in the in suite."
"Thank you. Goodnight," Rachel said, waving to her and Jack.
"Night, sweetheart."
Rachel quietly tucked away into her temporary room. She desperately wanted a shower. Despite the distraction of the day, the thoughts had never left her. She was still a mess. She was still haunted. She was still dirty. Always dirty.
Jasper's hands were still on her, his touch still marked her skin, and his words still stalked her mind. She felt like he was everywhere, even when she knew for a fact that he wasn't around. She couldn't even enjoy the lighthearted moments without him ruining everything. He ruined her.
As quietly as possible, Rachel went into the bathroom, turned the water to hot, and began her routine. She refused to look at the bruises in the mirror. She refused to face any of it, and hoped, once again, the water would cleanse her, though it never did.
Feeling no better than she did before the shower, Rachel changed back into her new pajamas that were slightly too big for her, got into bed, and cozied into the blanket, hoping for sleep.
Meanwhile, Shelby headed back downstairs. Beth was tucked in and out for the count, so she could have some adult time.
"I'm glad the movie and snuggles knocked Beth out because that child is way too excited for Santa," Shelby said, walking back into the living room where her parents were cuddled up with a glass of wine and a blanket around them.
"What's going on?" Shelby asked, seeing the way they stopped talking as she walked in.
"Nothing, Shel. Come join us."
Jack held his arm out, signaling Shelby to sit by him. She obliged. She plopped down beside him on the couch and curled into his side.
"Feels like old times," she said. "I remember at the old house, on that big beat-up sectional, Kim, Dan, and I would all cuddle with you in front of the fire every Christmas Eve."
"What I remember is that you'd be tucked into bed after the movie, then Dan, Kim, and I would eat all of Santa's cookies and take a bite out of the reindeers' carrots."
"And after I came back, I'd have to sweep up all the crumbs they left around."
"They were meticulously placed to convince Shelby that Santa came and ate her horrible cookies."
"They weren't that bad."
"Shel, you once decided that because you liked cheese and chocolate, a chocolate chip and cheese cookie would be delicious."
"It was horrendous."
"Fine, I'll give you that one, but they weren't all bad."
"Only because you didn't need to eat them."
Defensively, Shelby told her parents, "I'm a better cook now."
"I'd sure hope so. I'd like my granddaughter to live to her next birthday."
Shelby pouted.
The three of them reminisced a little longer before Jack excused himself and left the two women to talk.
"Rachel's a nice girl," Maggie started.
"She is."
"Quiet."
"Not always. Not usually," Shelby said.
"Well, today she was."
"I think she's just a little uncomfortable. New place. New people."
"You're probably right. How well do you know her, Shelby?"
"I knew her fathers well. I can't say I've spent as much time getting to know her over the years, but I know about her. She's a good kid. Smart. Talented. Why?"
"Just asking, Dear." Maggie paused before probing further, "You don't know much about her life in New York now?"
"Not really. I know she's in school and she works at the diner. I know where she lives and who she lives with."
"You don't know if she's seeing someone?"
"She told us she wasn't."
"But do you believe her?"
"I have no reason not to. Why? Mom, what's all this about?"
"Shelby, baby… I worked in healthcare for a long time. I saw a lot when I worked in the ER. A lot of injuries like Rachel's wrist…"
"And?"
"What I'm saying is… While she might have also fallen, that looked like injuries I saw all the time with domestic violence cases caused by someone twisting the arm back."
Sitting pin straight, drinking from her father's wine glass, and staring directly at her mother, Shelby asked, "You think someone hurt her?"
"Shel, one of the other bruises looked like a handprint."
Maggie placed a hand on Shelby's knee.
"Do you think it could have been one of her roommates?"
"Kurt? Her best friend who wouldn't hurt a fly? Santana… Sure I could see them going at it, but Rachel would give as good as she got. No. If something happened, it wasn't with one of them."
"Alright, well, I certainly don't know what's going on in her life, and anything coming from me would just be an accusation. I just wanted to put my thoughts out there."
"She's not a patient you can judge, Mom. She's… Rachel."
"Honey, I'm not judging her. I'm judging the situation with the information I have. I don't know anything for sure, but if something's going on, she deserves a chance to get out of it. She'll need people in her corner."
"I'm that person?"
"You could be. You don't have to be. You don't have to be anything you don't want to. That has always been true, but don't open the door for her if you're not going to let her in."
With that, Maggie patted Shelby's knee one last time and got up from the couch, "I'm going to head up to bed. Tell your father for me."
"Okay…"
"Love you, Shelbs. Night."
Maggie kissed the top of her daughter's head and went to bed. Shelby wasn't sure what her mother was hinting at, but it was clear there was some tone there that she just wasn't getting. Now Maggie had her wondering if Rachel had an abuser. Someone who liked to smack around her daughter…
It was so typical of her mother to drop hints but never come out and directly ask or say what was on her mind. She knew just how to get Shelby stuck in her head.
"Where's mom?" Jack asked, returning.
"Went to bed."
"Ah, she thought we needed to talk."
"I don't know what there is to talk about."
"I'm sure you do, but tonight's not the night for it."
Shelby rolled her eyes.
"Tonight, all we have to do is play Santa and get to bed early because you know Beth will be waking us up at the ass crack of dawn. Last year, she woke us up by jumping on our bed at 4am saying that Santa left lots of gifts."
"I guess we better get to bed soon."
"Let's get those presents out and under the tree, then."
Jack and Shelby went into the garage to pull out the presents that were still in the car before grabbing the last of them from the closet.
There were way too many gifts, and Shelby knew it was going to be a pain to get it all back home, but she couldn't wait to see Beth's face in the morning.
Jack caught the smile on his daughter's face and smiled too.
"Hey, Shelby?"
"Yeah, Dad?"
"I'm really glad I got to meet her and see her. Even without the rest of the family here, this has already been a very special Christmas."
"For me too, even if she has barely said a word to me."
"She will. When she's ready."
"We'll see. I… I know I don't often talk about her, but I'm proud of who she is and who she's trying to be. Someone told me that she got all the best parts of me, but, unlike me, she's emotional. It's true. She has all the best things I have to offer. She's an amazing girl. She has my talent, my hair, even my nose… But she has more depth than me. The me now, anyway. Before I had her, I felt a lot and openly. I was a lot like her, but after I had her, that pain… It changed me. I became hard and cold because I had to. It was too hard to talk about and feel all the time. I see that happening in her now. I don't know why, maybe losing Finn, but I don't want that for her."
"Show her another way."
"I don't know another way. Talking to her is so hard sometimes. She drops these breadcrumbs about her life that I'm dying to hear, but also just make me feel horrible because it's another thing I wasn't part of."
"Shelby, you gave two men a wonderful gift, but it came at a personal price that you didn't know you'd have to pay and that you really couldn't afford. It's the problem with being young and naïve. But you need to change the way you look at things. It's not about what you missed, it's about what you're here for. Those things you missed were never really yours to see. She has parents who love her and raised her well. It sounds to me that she always knew what a gift she was to them and the sacrifice you made for that."
"I'm so proud of her, though, and it feels like I don't have the right to be."
"Baby. Sometimes, being a parent sucks. It's confusing and complicated and horrible and amazing all at once. You always worry about doing the wrong thing, but sometimes we do, and things turn out just fine. You can feel proud of her and feel a part of her accomplishments because you know that your decision to have her for her fathers led her to be who she is today."
"Daddy? Why do you always know what to say?"
"It's because I'm your dad."
Jack smiled and pulled Shelby in for a side hug as they both stared at the tree.
"She reminds me a lot of you at her age. She really does."
"I hope I wasn't that dramatic or pouty."
"You were worse, but we loved you anyway," he teased. "Now get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."
"What about you?"
"I'm heading to bed as soon as I put the glasses in the dishwasher."
"Do you want help?"
"Nope. Night."
Shelby said her goodnights and headed to Beth. She stalled in front of Rachel's door. Shelby thought she heard movement and muffled sounds on the other side and debated checking on her, but fear of rejection had her rethinking that. Instead, she went to snuggle in next to Beth.
While everyone else seemed to sleep like a baby, Rachel had more trouble. She hadn't had a good night's sleep since it happened. Either she couldn't shut off her brain long enough to fall asleep or she was so tired that she passed out but woke up in a panicked cold sweat. That night was the latter.
After tossing and turning, Rachel gave in to sleep, only to be awoken by the feel of Jasper's hands on her, his fingers gripping into her skin. Those images intertwined with all the worst things she experienced over the past year. Finn dying, the loneliness, the pain… All of it. She was just grateful that she woke up with her screams muffled by her face in the pillow. At least she wouldn't have to explain that to anyone. It was impossible to fall back asleep. It was 3am and she was awake for the day and trying not to fall into the normal spiral.
She paced a bit listening to music on her iPod hoping to drown out the static in her head. Being cooped up in the room wasn't helping. Her chest still felt like an elephant was sitting on it. She needed out, but since she couldn't get out of her own skin, she needed out of the room.
Quietly, she walked downstairs struggling to keep her breathing even. She wouldn't have a panic attack there. She refused. The nightmare hit hard. She felt horrible all the time… again. Now, she was having amalgamation dreams of all the horrible things that happened. She had to relive things when she was awake and when she was asleep it was just as bad.
She never got a break. She couldn't sleep. She could barely eat. She didn't know what to do anymore. And now she was stuck thinking about Finn again. It hurt. It all hurt. So, she found herself doing what she hadn't done since Thanksgiving. She called Finn's voicemail.
"I know this is crazy, Finn. I know I need to stop. I just miss you so much and I don't know how to deal with this. Any of this. I wish you were here. I wish I didn't feel so horrible and alone. I wish I could erase the last year. I can't even talk about what happened. Not even to you… But I don't know how to live like this. I don't want to live like this… I don't know. I don't know what to do. I love you, Finn. Merry Christmas."
By the time she was done, she was a blubbering mess. She hated herself. She hated that she felt like she wasn't herself at all, like she was dissociated from her life. She was watching her zombie-self walk around, barely living.
She couldn't stop crying. The sobs might have quieted, but the tears were flowing freely to the point that her head was pounding. She was so trapped in her head that she didn't hear little footsteps coming her way.
"Mommy?" Beth said. "I thought you were in bed."
Sniffling and quickly wiping away her tears, Rachel looked to Beth.
"Hey Beth," she said, voice cracking. "What are you doing up?"
The little girl, oblivious, wiped the sleep from her eyes.
"I wanted to see if Santa came. Did he?"
"Looks like he did. You must've been a very good girl this year."
"I was," Beth said. "I needa get mommy so we can have present time."
"Why don't we wait here together for mommy to come down? I'm sure it won't be long."
"But…"
"Please?"
Huffing, Beth hopped up next to Rachel, sitting as close as she physically could.
"Why you crying, Rachel? Were you a bad girl and Santa didn't come for you?" Beth ask, not even giving her a chance to respond. "I'm sorry. I'll share."
"No. You get all your presents. I… I'm too big for Santa. I'm just sad."
"Do you have a boo boo?"
Sighing, Rachel told her, "Yeah."
"I kiss it better?"
"I don't think you can, Beth, but thank you."
Rachel could feel Beth's weight on her body. Momentarily, it freaked her out. It felt wrong and made her tense, but she reminded herself it was a small, innocent child, not him. Beth's eyes grew heavy, but she fought sleep. Sensing that, and finally calming, Rachel quietly sang.
It didn't take long for Beth to fall fast asleep. Rachel wished it could be as easy for her, but for now, she relished in watching someone get the peace she didn't understand anymore. She continued to sing as it calmed her, but it wasn't enough to get her back to sleep. It was going to be another long day.
"You have a beautiful voice," Maggie said, causing Rachel to jump. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's ok," Rachel said, carefully shifting Beth off her. "I'm… I'm sorry I'm down here. I… I just couldn't sleep."
"Nonsense. Mi casa es su casa," Maggie said, voice low. "Shelby could never sleep when she came home from New York. Suburbia just doesn't have the same noise."
Sensing Rachel's discomfort, Maggie asked how long she'd been awake.
"Not too long," she lied.
"I hope Beth didn't wake you."
"No… No. I was able to get her back asleep so no one had to be up too early."
"Well, I'm up now. How about some coffee?"
"Please," Rachel said.
When she tried to get up, Beth's hold on her shirt got tighter. Maggie laughed.
"Guess you're not going anywhere. I'll get the coffee. Stay put. Sing some more if you want. It really is beautiful."
Rachel didn't sing more. Instead, she settled back in with Beth and just waited for the rest of the family to wake. She and Maggie sat in companionable silence sipping coffee.
Every so often, Rachel would feel Maggie's stare. She was being examined, she knew, but she wasn't planning to address it. It happened on and off for over an hour until Jack joined them and pulled his wife away. Then Shelby trotted down at 6:30 eagerly looking for Beth who she was surprised hadn't woken her up earlier.
Shelby had been terrified waking up with no Beth in bed, the sheets beside her cold. Most days, Beth slept well and until 7 when she got up to get ready for pre-k. On Christmas, all bets were off. Waking up to see that it was way past the normal 4am wakeup call freaked her out.
"Beth," she called out, frantically looking around. "Oh."
She spotted them. Everyone seemed to be down there but her. Her heart clenched when she saw both her girls cuddled up together, a sight she never thought she'd see – now plentiful over the last few days. They were so adorable.
Rachel turned her head and caught Shelby's gaze before quickly turning away. Shelby saw enough to see Rachel's puffy red eyes and, in turn, looked to her mother in question. Maggie waved her off, silently telling her to leave things alone.
Taking her mother's silent instruction, Shelby nodded and quietly said, "I'm going to get some coffee. Then we'll wake her up and do presents."
She was going to take whatever extra time she could. Not once since Beth understood that Christmas morning meant a boatload of presents, had they been able to sleep past 5am. This year was a nice change.
Smiling, the image of her cuddling daughters still in her mind, Shelby practically bounced into the kitchen to fill a mug.
"You look awfully happy this morning."
"It's not often Beth lets us sleep this late on Christmas."
"We have Rachel to thank for that. She sang her back to sleep. They're a cute sight, huh?"
"They are. I only wish I had my camera out and ready to go."
Maggie winked, "I got you covered."
Quietly, Shelby surveyed the room before saying, "She looked like she was crying."
"I think she was. Didn't look like she wanted me to ask about it, so I won't."
"But shouldn't we – I?"
"Not right now, hon. Now, we open presents."
Maggie patted Shelby's shoulder as she walked by. Shelby followed suit, nursing her cup of coffee just a little longer before they let the chaos start.
Entering the room, Shelby took a deep breath, put her already half empty cup down on the table, and gently nudged Beth awake.
"Santa?" the child asked.
"No, just Mommy."
"Mommy's good too," Beth said, eyes peeling open. "Is it present time?"
"It is."
Beth detached herself from Rachel and immediately hopped up with all the excitement in the world.
"Alright Beth, you know the drill. Go get 'em."
Jack was capturing everything on film. All hell broke loose. Beth rushed for the tree. Rachel thought about using the moment to escape but knew she couldn't. Maggie saw her looking for an out and used her stare to telepathically tell her to stay.
Though Beth couldn't read, she pulled every present out and asked whoever was closest at that moment who it was for. Most of them were for her. Rachel, hoping to stamp down some of the commotion, offered to help Beth find all her presents if she would help her pass out all the rest. The child readily agreed.
For whatever reason, Beth seemed to be under Rachel's spell and listened to her every wish. Shelby wasn't complaining. It broke the initial chaos into a more organized mess. Beth delivered everyone's presents to them. It surprised Rachel to find some for her.
She didn't really want to open them. Instead, she pushed them away and got lost in Beth's utter joy at each present she opened. If nothing else, Beth's innocence made her feel a little better and allowed her to duck into the shadows.
That was until Jack nudged her shoulder and asked her to open her gifts.
"You really didn't need to get me anything," she told them, head bowed. "Inviting me to spend the holidays was more than enough."
She loved presents, she just didn't want their obligation presents. She didn't want anything from them really. She didn't want all eyes on her. Not now. Not anymore.
"Nonsense. Open them."
Rachel nodded, but hesitated. To ease some attention off herself, it seemed like the perfect time to offer them the gifts she brought.
"I brought these down last night. They're for you."
Rachel pulled a bag that she hid and pulled out a few gifts, passing them to their respective new owners.
"It's nothing too big, but I hope you like it."
"I'm sure we will," Jack said.
"Do I get something too?" Beth eagerly asked.
"Beth," Shelby scolded.
"She has presents, Mommy."
"That doesn't mean they're for you."
"It's ok," Rachel told them. "I do have one for you. It's the green one with the reindeer on it."
"Presents," Beth yelled, searching through the beg. "Whose is this?"
"It's for your mom," Rachel explained, looking to Shelby.
"Oh… Thank you, Rachel."
Rachel didn't touch a single present until everyone started to open theirs first. She didn't go crazy because she didn't really know them or what they would like. Most of it was last minute shopping, but she did her best.
"Mommy, what's this? I know that's my dolly."
Beth showed Shelby her gift and Rachel explained that it was a gift certificate for a manicure and hair styling for both her and her doll at the American Girl store.
"I saw that you had an American Girl doll…"
"Her name's Star. I got to make her look just like me."
"Awesome. Well, I saw that you had one. I had one too when I was your age. Now you and Star can get your nails painted and your hair done all special. I got your mom a tea party gift certificate so the three of you can have a special tea party lunch at the store. It's something I wanted to do when I was a kid."
"Your mommy didn't take you?"
"No, Beth."
"My mommy can take you, too."
"No. That's ok. This is for you and your mom."
"Thank you, Rachel," Shelby said. "That was very thoughtful of you."
"I'm sure it'll be a lot of fun and I called to reserve a date. They get pretty busy, but you're free to reschedule or use the gift card for other services."
"The tea party sounds perfect. Thanks."
"You're welcome."
Beth went back to playing with her toys which allowed the adults to focus on their own presents. Rachel's gifts to them were simple. Wine and a spa gift card for Maggie. Whiskey – her own father's favorite – and a gift card to a local shop for Jack.
She was uncomfortable with her presents. They spent entirely too much on her. Shelby had given her a $200 gift card for Amazon which was needed, welcomed from someone else, and wholly inappropriate. There was also a beautiful hat, scarf, and glove set. The grandparents gave her Broadway tickets for Long Day's Journey into Night. She was excited but felt weird about taking any of it. But, on top of that, there was another box she had yet to open.
"We hope you like that," Maggie said. "We saw it and thought it was beautiful. It immediately reminded me of something Shelby had when she was your age."
Rachel, again, was reluctant to open it, especially now that all eyes were on her. Everyone else was done opening their presents. Unwrapped, she pulled the top off the gift box and her lip began to quiver. She told herself she wouldn't cry in front of these people, but she wasn't in control anymore.
Tears were already clouding her vision.
"Are you ok?" Shelby asked her.
"I… It's… Thank you," was all Rachel could manage.
It was a gold star necklace a lot like the one Finn had given her.
"I'm fine," Rachel whimpered out. "I… I used to have a necklace just like this," she explained, words mumbled and broken. "Finn gave it to me before I left for New York."
Now she was openly crying. She couldn't stop it. She bowed her head down and used her hands to cover her face, trying to hide.
"The clasp broke, and I lost it right before he died." Sniffling, she continued, "He knew gold stars were my thing. I…"
Suddenly, arms wrapped around her as she sobbed. She remained tense the whole time, but had no energy to fight it.
"It's ok," Shelby whispered. "You're ok."
"Stop. Stop," Rachel said, pushing Shelby away. "I'm fine."
She sniffled and swiped at her eyes. Her words rang false, but she did her best to stay convicted. She was fine.
"I'm sorry. That was so embarrassing."
The other adults looked to each other, concerned by the complete 180.
"Honey. We didn't mean to upset you. We can return it if you'd like."
"No," she said quickly. "It's… It's perfect. I couldn't admit that I lost the necklace because it felt like losing another part of Finn… But… Really, it's the perfect gift. Thank you so much."
"You're very welcome."
"Do you have another boo boo?" Beth asked, "Can I kiss it better now?"
"I'm ok," Rachel repeated. "I'm fine."
She failed to convince anyone. Herself included.
"Go play, Beth. Rachel's alright," Shelby lied. "She just really liked her gift."
"Cool," the child said, turning back to her imaginary world of make believe.
Rachel reached to the back of her neck unclasping the necklace she had on. The family watched as she slid the ring off the chain and slipped it onto the new necklace, so the ring dangled next to the star.
"Will you put it on for me?"
"Absolutely," Shelby said.
Shelby walked up behind Rachel. Their hands danced to get the movements right. Rachel lifted her hair as Shelby placed the necklace around Rachel's neck, pinching the clasp together.
"All set."
"Thank you."
Rachel was incredibly embarrassed by her outburst. She promised herself she would hold it together. They were strangers… But they were family. There was enough complication there without the need to add more emotional baggage into the fray.
Jack could feel the concern and confusion building, but he raised two daughters, and he knew that the last thing they wanted was all attention on them during an emotional moment. More than that, they wouldn't want to be questioned when they weren't ready to speak about it.
"Rachel, honey, why don't you and Beth go get cleaned up before breakfast?"
She nodded and silently thanked him.
"Beth, you heard Grandpa, go bring some of your toys upstairs in our room and then wash up for breakfast."
"But…"
"Now Beth."
"Oh—kay."
They watched Rachel walk away in a daze, her hand rubbing against the charms on her necklace. Again, they found each other's gaze and looked in question.
"What was that?"
"That was a young woman in pain," Jack said. "Leave her alone."
"But…"
"Shelby," he admonished. "We don't want to make her feel awkward. She's a guest in this house. We're celebrating a holiday together. Do you think she wanted to break down in front of strangers?"
"No," she huffed.
"Your father's right, Shelby. As curious as I am and as much as I'd like to help her, we can't say anything unless she opens up. Obviously, there's something going on. More than just memories overwhelming her, but it's not our place."
Yes, it is, Shelby thought.
"Now… Pancakes for breakfast sound good?"
"Sounds good, Dad."
Eventually, after she washed her face and she saw how horrible she looked from crying, Rachel freshened up and rejoined the family. She tried to play it off as if nothing happened. She just wanted to get through the meal without drama.
In the end, it was quick and painless. She picked at her food, eating only a few bites. When asked about her lack of appetite, she just said she was saving room for later. They let it slide. It wasn't their job to police her eating habits and, of all things, that wasn't what had them concerned.
Plus, they were ready to pull her into their traditions.
That was how, after a little time alone, Rachel found herself sitting next to Jack and Beth on the floor playing monopoly with everyone. Of course, Beth was on Shelby's team, but everyone took it seriously. They played all day long as Jack and Maggie took turns in the kitchen – also took turns keeping Shelby away from the kitchen.
"I hope you're better in real life with your money than you are in monopoly," Rachel said as she collected the last of Shelby's bills.
"Be nice," Shelby chastised, playfully tossing a bill at Rachel.
It was all so normal, yet so completely abnormal. They walked on eggshells a bit, but were putting in the effort to make the rest of the holiday calm, stress free, and enjoyable for all. They acted as normal as they could and kept to their day of games tradition.
Around noon, a video call came from more of Shelby's family. They gathered in the living room taking a game break when the call happened. Rachel could hear the jubilant greetings of her aunt and uncle. They introduced her in passing, but Rachel used that time to disappear and return the messages from her fathers, Kurt, and even Santana. She owed them that.
"Shelby, take me off of speaker right now," Rachel heard Shelby's sister say as she walked past them.
Rachel thought nothing of it. They were no one to her. She didn't want to think about more family that could be but wasn't. So, she focused on her phone calls. She had a quick conversation with her fathers, sent Santana a "Merry Christmas" text, and finally returned one of Kurt's calls.
"Rach," he said, tone changing as she heard him quiet down and walk away from his family. "Carole said that she saw you called Finn's phone again. She only kept the number in service because it helped you and her to hear his voice on the voicemail, but… Rachel, what changed? You were doing better. You hadn't called the number in a while."
"I spent the night with Shelby and her family," Rachel confessed, knowing that would give her a valid excuse for her emotional upheaval.
"Way to bury the lead."
"Yeah…"
"Tell me everything. Quickly, though. My dad's trying to help Carole in the kitchen and, while he can cook, his idea of helping is offering to deep fry everything. I'm on distraction duty."
"There's not much to tell. She came to the diner, we had a talk, she showed up at the apartment, and invited me to her family's for Christmas if I didn't have plans. I said no. Yet here I am."
"That's not even an abridged version. I need details."
"I don't have time for that. It's weird and hard. I'm… I miss Finn, but I know I shouldn't call the number. Tell Carole to get rid of it. I… Just do it. Bye Kurt."
She disconnected before he could say anything else. Her heart hurt all over again. It felt like she gained a little piece of Finn back with the necklace and was losing another with Carole wanting to cancel his phone. Logically, she knew that it should be cancelled. They didn't need it, and it should have been done months ago. They had other recordings of his voice if they wanted to hear it, but it was always there to fall back on. Even if she didn't use it often anymore, it was there, and that was a comfort.
A knock and quick opening of her door pulled her attention.
"Rachel, mommy says to come down."
"I'll be right there," Rachel told Beth.
Back to the game, back to pushing away all her feelings…
She won the monopoly game, but it brought her no pleasure. Few things did these days. Beth was less than thrilled with the defeat, and Rachel knew the feeling well, so she let Beth win the game of Candyland that came next. Before they knew it, it was dinner time.
Throughout the day, the family noticed that Rachel rubbed the star and ring on the necklace. While they discussed not pushing it, Maggie knew there were ways to ask questions without asking the exact questions they wanted.
Mid meal, Maggie saw her chance. Rachel was pushing food around her plate with the fork in one hand and toying with the necklace with the other hand.
"That's a beautiful ring you have there," Maggie said.
"Oh… Thank you."
"A family heirloom?"
"No."
Well, Maggie thought, this would be more difficult than she anticipated.
"A gift?"
"It was my engagement ring."
Wide eyed, Shelby practically screamed, "You're engaged?!"
"I was," Rachel told her. "We made it all the way to the alter…"
"What happened," Jack asked.
"The first time, we were waiting for one of my bridesmaids to show up, but she got into a horrible car accident on the way and ended up with a spinal injury,"
"Poor girl. Is she ok?"
"Yeah, she's walking and doing well now," Rachel explained.
"Wait," Shelby said. "Quinn? That was during your senior year. You were almost married in high school?"
That sounded preposterous to her.
"Yup. We planned to go the day after graduation to get married. Finn picked me up and I thought we were on the way to the courthouse like we planned, but he drove me to the train station instead. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me, but he didn't want me to give up New York for him. He pulled a bag from the trunk, told me my dads were going to meet me there to tour the dorm rooms, and sent me on my way."
She wouldn't cry this time. She had nothing left in her.
"The long distance didn't work. We were living separate lives, but we both knew that, when the time was right, we'd find each other again. When we broke up, he told me to keep the ring because it would always be mine, and it would be on my finger again someday."
The adults stared at each other again. It seemed to be happening a lot more. Rachel had a knack for making them speechless. It was sad to hear that someone who had such a deep impact on Rachel's life, someone she loved and had a future with, was gone and, in his place lay emotional scars.
"I didn't know any of this," Shelby mumbled to herself.
"Why would you? You weren't around then. You left again and life went on," Rachel said emotionlessly.
She wasn't trying to be flippant, but she was telling the truth. A lot happened each time her mother left, and it never included her. That was her own choice.
Tentatively, not wanting to upset their guest, Maggie asked, "Do you regret not getting married now?"
"Yes… And no. I will always love Finn. I will always wish we had that moment, but that wasn't the right time. We both knew that."
The table got quiet. Even Beth wasn't saying anything. And then, out of nowhere, Rachel started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" Beth asked. "I want to laugh too."
All heads turned to Rachel, wondering if the girl was losing it.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I just… Since moving to New York, I've experienced the weirdest holidays you could imagine."
"Like what?" Jack asked, smiling at the contagious laughter despite the sheer delirious nature of it.
"Last year, I got us jobs as holiday elves at the mall. Santa was a little… ugh… under the weather," she explained a hand gesture to show he was drinking, not wanting Beth to worry about what drunk Santa meant. "He disappeared on us before any kids could sit with him. We sang and danced, and the kids wanted nothing to do with us. We had to get Santana to fill in for Mrs. Claus."
She laughed harder, recalling the ridiculous sexy Mrs. Claus outfit she wore.
"The things she said to those kids… They could barely tell her what they wanted before something inappropriate flew out of her mouth. Then she took her own break. We were panicked and as we were running away from the food the kids were throwing at us, a man showed up in a Santa outfit. We missed the red flags, but he offered to help, and we were desperate."
She couldn't stop laughing. It was at the point where Beth was laughing too just because her new friend found whatever was going on so hilarious. The adults just had curious, worried smiles on their faces. They had no idea what was going on and were just waiting for whatever was so funny to be shared with them.
"The moms sure appreciated the fill in Santa and his six pack abs," Rachel said. "The day was saved, and Santa came to the apartment that night for our tree-trimming party. It was a lot of fun, until it wasn't. There was a lot of alcohol, though not as much as it seemed. We woke up in the morning hung-over, drugged, I think. Everything was gone. He robbed us. I won't even tell you how we found Kurt."
"Wait, what?" Shelby asked.
The adults were slack jawed and staring.
She laughed harder. It wasn't funny, but she couldn't seem to stop. It was crazy. She felt crazy, and she saw that she was freaking everyone out, but it was happening. Maybe it was the three glasses of wine she had on an empty stomach, but everything was funny to her… An ironic, sad kind of funny.
"You were robbed?"
"What happened with Kurt?"
"Santa stole from you?" Beth asked.
"Not Santa," Rachel explained. "Everything was fine. We pretended it didn't happen, took a job as window dolls to pay for some new stuff. Then Burt came to visit and told Kurt he had the big C and I left to go on the Rosie O'Donnell gay cruise with my dads."
Everyone was flabbergasted.
"And now, I'm spending the holidays with a bunch of strangers, telling you all about something the three of us vowed to never tell – because our parents would have freaked. Given this holiday track record… I don't know that I'll survive what happens next year."
It took a long minute before anyone could fathom what to say. Rachel's non-humorous laugh bordering on a cry was as terrifying as it was amusing – more terrifying. It didn't seem to bother her that she was robbed.
"You didn't call the police?" Shelby asked
Suddenly feeling very sober, Rachel stopped all laughter and said, "And say what? A guy dressed as sexy Santa that we invited over stole our Broadway playbill collection and vinyl? Telling the police would have been worse than just letting it go."
"He drugged you?" Maggie asked.
"Well… I can't be sure, but it didn't feel like a hangover to me, and Santana likened it to the time she was drugged at Lilith Faire."
The Corcorans couldn't understand the nonchalance coming out of her mouth. Jack and Maggie could do was look back and forth at their daughter and Rachel as if they were watching a verbal tennis match.
"Did you go to a doctor?"
"No?"
"Rachel," Shelby admonished. "You have no idea what he could have done to you."
"He robbed us. I know exactly what he did to us. Kurt wasn't drugged so… Nothing happened."
"You were robbed!"
"Then we moved on."
"Did you? Someone stole from you, drugged you. How is that nothing?"
"We were fine. We replaced what we could."
"Rachel, he could have done much worse."
Rachel stilled and looked at Shelby with a stare that could kill.
"You're missing the point. This is about crazy holiday experiences."
"But Rachel… You were robbed. You could have been seriously hurt."
"I've been through worse things than being robbed. Nothing he did would have made a difference."
"He could have murdered you."
"He didn't."
"But he could have."
"Maybe next time."
Shelby slammed her hand on the table.
"That's not funny."
"I wasn't making a joke. See, this is what I mean. It's one crazy holiday season after another. Last year was being robbed. This year it's… everything and being here."
Shelby shook her head and stared at her daughter as Rachel gulped down more of the wine. Shelby reached over to Rachel and pulled the glass away.
"I think you've had enough."
"Shelby!"
Rachel pulled the glass back and in their little skirmish, the contents spilled on Rachel.
"Great," she hissed. "Thanks a lot."
Jack stepped in and told them both that was enough. Shelby just glared at her dad before standing and pulling Rachel along with her.
"What are you doing?"
"Rachel," Shelby started once they were in private. "First, are you ok?"
"I'm fine."
"Look at me, please."
Rachel barely met her eyes. She started to feel the booze hit her. Maybe she shouldn't have had that wine. Or maybe it wasn't the wine at all. The telltale chest tightening that she had become all too accustomed to settled in along with the lightheadedness.
"Are you ok?"
"Obviously, I'm here, so he didn't kill me."
"That's not what I meant, Rachel. Right now, are you ok?"
Her heavy eyes met Shelby's.
Was she ok? Not in the slightest. She couldn't even make the lie come.
"I don't feel good."
"Are you going to throw up?"
There as a gurgling in her stomach, a mixture of a wine rebellion and anxiety overload. She couldn't say which was the main cause, but she needed a bathroom stat.
Shelby chased after her and was there in time to hold Rachel's hair back as she vomited.
"This is so embarrassing," Rachel whined. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I just keep saying things and I don't know why."
"You're ok," Shelby whispered, rubbing Rachel's back. "You think that's everything?"
Rachel leaned away from the toilet, seeking purchase against the tub.
"I'm sorry."
"It's ok."
"It's not. I… I don't think I should have come. I shouldn't be here. This isn't right."
"No… Don't say that, Rachel."
Shelby's heart broke with the words. As weird as the days have been, that time with Rachel was all she ever wanted. Was it perfect, no, but parenting never was. She saw parts of her daughter she never had before, parts she was sure even Rachel wasn't used to. She wanted that. She didn't want Rachel to feel like the outsider.
"Are you feeling ok, now?"
"I think I had too much wine. Too much wine and too much…"
"Emotion?" Shelby finished for her.
"Yeah."
"I think you're a lightweight, but some food will help."
"I'm not hungry."
"Hon, if you don't like the food, that's ok. You can say that, but you need to eat, and it will sober you up some."
"I miss him," Rachel whimpered.
Shelby didn't hesitate pulling Rachel in for a hug. Her arms tightly embraced her daughter. They hadn't hugged much, but, in that moment, it wasn't about who was hugging her, it was just that Rachel needed that touch and comfort from some non-threatening source.
Rachel sank into the hug for a moment before pushing Shelby away.
"No. We're not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm sorry. I'm just a mess. I'm ok though. I… I'll try some food."
Shelby had whiplash. They had a moment and then Rachel just ran off. Rachel jumped up and down all day. Shelby had no idea what was happening, but the worry increased. Nothing was going as she hoped, yet she learned things that maybe she needed to learn to better understand Rachel.
Rachel was feeling… an abundance. She put on quite the show, and not the good kind. She needed to pull this act together for a better finale. She resigned to eat more despite her total lack of appetite. She just needed to get through the rest of the day without another meltdown.
First, she owed the gracious hosts an apology.
Still tipsy, Rachel changed and made her way back downstairs. Dinner was being cleared, but her plate was left out on the table. Maggie caught her staring at the table questioning what to do.
"We thought you might still be hungry," Maggie said.
"Oh… Umm, thank you. I'm sorry about before. I'm not usually like this."
"I understand loss and grief, dear. Sometimes it makes us act a little… different."
That was the polite way to say it.
"Alcohol usually does too, especially when you haven't been eating."
"I'm sorry… It's not the food," she promised, "I just haven't had much of an appetite lately."
Maggie nodded.
"You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Rachel, but I recommend you eat up and take a breather before you say anything else you don't mean to say. Seems to me that you have a lot of pent-up emotion and things you'd like to say, but haven't allowed yourself to express. Better to do that sober."
It was Rachel's turn to nod, biting her lip as she did.
Rachel listened to the sounds of Beth and Jack playing in the other room and Maggie doing dishes as she sat at the table. Shelby hadn't returned yet.
She made a mess of things like always. She couldn't stop herself, especially now. There was no filter. She was on a destruction path with no ability to see the bad choices until after the fact.
She felt so disgusted with herself. She thought back over all she said, and it was all true, but she usually had the decorum to keep things to herself. The story about last Christmas hadn't been talked about or discussed in any way since they initially recovered from it. They replaced what they could, promised to do better, and never brought it up again.
She nibbled on the food. It was delicious, and she wanted to eat it, she just had no desire for it. She felt full. Eventually, Shelby joined her at the table to finish her own food. Shelby attempted to engage, tried to get a little more out of Rachel, but quickly gave up. She'd been rejected enough. She didn't want anymore.
For their part, Jack and Maggie helped Rachel feel better about her poor showing by sharing stories about Shelby, Kim, and Dan coming home drunk and acting like a fool. It helped. Rachel stood by the fact that she wasn't drunk, but she wasn't going to argue and make things worse either. It helped her feel less embarrassed, but she couldn't wait to get out of there either. She didn't want to get attached to these people. The pity invite was one she took out of desperation, but this was not her family.
She was getting by, and that was all that mattered.
As the night grew later, Rachel said it was time for her to leave. Immediately, the objections rose.
"Sweetheart, please stay the night. You've been drinking and it's late. That's not a good combination."
"I'll be ok," Rachel assured, but the arguments kept coming.
Shelby was awfully quiet during the battle, but she sent Beth to do her dirty work. They wore her down until Rachel agreed to stay one more night and leave with Shelby first thing in the morning.
So not only would she have to endure another night of no sleep, but she would have to sit through a long car ride with her mother and her mother's daughter.
Fun…
Rachel used her agreement as a good excuse to turn in early. Though, again, she didn't sleep, she tried to distract herself however she could until the morning finally came.
"You look horrible," Shelby said.
With an angry glare, Rachel just said, "Sorry we can't all wake up in full make up and looking fresh as a daisy."
Shelby just shook her head and watched as Rachel huffed away. Rachel stopped in front of Jack and Maggie, thanking them for having her and apologizing again for her behavior.
"Nonsense. You were fine. We were so happy to have you here. You can come back anytime," Jack told her. "You can come ride the horses next time instead of just petting them."
"It was nice meeting you," she said.
Maggie squeezed the unsuspecting Rachel in a hug. The girl stiffened, but returned the hug.
Maggie whispered, "I'm so happy we got to meet you."
Rachel tried not to read too much into it and quickly stepped away from them, waving goodbye. As she passed Shelby, she glared once more before going to the car.
At least she didn't slam the car door, Shelby thought.
Shelby shook it off and turned to her parents to say her goodbyes before the three departed.
Again, Shelby tried to converse with Rachel. When Beth fell asleep in the back, it seemed like a perfect opportunity for them to talk, but Rachel feigned sleep as well for as long as she could.
It didn't last forever though.
"You're going to have to talk to me eventually, Rachel."
"I'm not not talking to you."
"That's exactly what you're doing."
"What do you want me to say, Shelby? Your family is great. I'm happy I got to meet them. I'm happy you and Beth have them in your life, but they're not my family. This was a nice trip into what if land, but now we're back in reality where nothing has changed."
"It doesn't have to be that way."
"But it does. That's what you wanted. That's what it is. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, but I can't be on the carousel with you, Shelby. I can't keep riding the horse up and down in circles. You pull me in, you drag me around, then you throw me off. I can't keep having almost. I have my own roller coaster to ride. I can't be a passenger on yours too."
It was hard to hear, but Shelby understood her mistakes. She lured Rachel in just to turn her away because of her own insecurities. Then she came back and made minimal effort to spend time getting to know her daughter. She knew her mistakes.
"Rachel… If you felt that way, why did you come?"
"Because I'm a gluten for punishment," she joked. "Maybe I was just curious to know who I come from. And now I know who not to have sex with."
"That's still not funny," Shelby said.
"It wasn't meant to be."
Shelby eyed her.
"My dads are getting a divorce," Rachel explained. "They haven't said anything, but I think it's been a long time coming. They love each other and when it involves me or I'm around, they are the perfect couple. But when I'm not around or they don't think I am, they argue… A lot. I don't think they know I know. It'll be amicable and they'll be friendly, but it's been teetering on the edge for a while. I'm just waiting for them to break the news. So going back to Ohio, for many reasons, just wasn't for me. I needed out of New York, and your pity offer gave me that chance. I meant what I said. I was curious to know who your family is, what life would be like if it was different. It was nice. They're great. Curiosity satiated."
Rachel peered at Shelby to see her reaction, but she really didn't want to know what the woman was thinking, especially when she could see the hurt creeping to the surface.
"It wasn't a pity invite."
Rachel smiled in a way that said, "sure."
"Ok. It wasn't. I appreciate whatever it was. It was nice. I had a good time, and I'm sorry for being embarrassing."
"You weren't."
"Ok. Well, thanks. Hey, stop here," Rachel said.
"Here? Why?"
"I can hop on the subway home from here."
"I can drive you."
Rachel shook her head.
"It's out of the way. Thanks though. Here would be great."
Shelby pulled over.
"I was glad to spend the time with you, Rachel."
"Me too," Rachel responded. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. I do appreciate the time we had… I guess I'll see you when I see you."
Then she grabbed her bag and Shelby could do nothing but watch her walk away again. There were words on the tip of her tongue, but none ever came. She just had to let her go for now.
For Rachel, it was a relief. Just like that, her long, exhausting exercise in acting was over and it was time to return to her real life.