Chapter 18: The Guilt We Live With

"Who was it, Rachel?" Santana asked. "You know who it was. It wasn't a stranger. Who was it?"

"I can't tell you. I won't."

"Why are you protecting him?!"

"I'm not protecting him. I'm protecting you!"

Santana looked at her dumbfounded.

"Protecting me? How?"

"Please, Santana, I'm begging you… Just let this go. Stop asking questions."

Rachel instinctively curled in on herself, fingers clasping the blanket tightly, pulling it up to her face as she turned on her side.

"No… I can't. I need to know what you mean. How are you protecting me? Did he threaten me?"

"Santana please…" Rachel cried, coiling tighter.

She was petrified. She felt like she always would be. Jasper had a hold on her that she didn't know how to escape. She could take his harassment, though, if she prevented Santana from experiencing even an ounce of the agony that she felt every moment. He threatened her. If she told, he was going to share the pictures he took, and he didn't hesitate to do that, but that wasn't the only leverage he had.

His control over her made her believe he could just as easily hurt Santana, and she wouldn't let that happen.

"No, Rachel. I gave you space or whatever. I did all that you asked, but now you need to talk. Did he threaten me?"

"Please, Santana. Please… Just stop."

"No… Don't you see… You've been quiet for too long, but we know now. We can help now. You're not alone."

"Maybe I want to be!"

"No one wants to be alone. Not really. Just tell me, Rachel. What did he say?"

"Santana! Please," she sobbed.

Santana understood that she was upsetting Rachel, but she wouldn't be the reason Rachel held this in. She wasn't afraid because knowing was more powerful than living in ignorance.

"Do I need to go ask him myself? It was him, wasn't it? Ja-"

The two stilled as the door opened and they heard a booming, "Stop!"

Their eyes were drawn to the door, but they couldn't make out the figure in the dark.

"Santana," the voice said.

Shelby…

"We can hear you. This is not the way," she told the girl. "Go into my room. You can stay there tonight. Rachel, if it's ok with you, I'll stay in here with you."

"But…"

"Santana, go. Now."

She huffed and hissed but stomped out of the room leaving mother and daughter alone. Rachel was still crying. Shelby hesitantly approached her, sitting on the bed and gently reaching a hand to rest on Rachel's shoulder.

"Are you ok, Rachel?

"Not really."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Rachel shook her head and curled up in herself again.

"Are you ok with me being here?"

Rachel shrugged. She didn't really care. It wasn't like her escape plan worked for long. What difference did it make if she wanted Shelby there or not? The things she wanted didn't matter.

"If you're not, I can go sleep downstairs."

"It's fine…"

"Alright. Can you take a few deep breaths for me?"

"I'm not having a panic attack, Shelby."

"I know, but deep breaths can be centering. Work with me. I'll do it with you."

Shelby guided them through a few deep breaths, helping Rachel's tears subside a little. While doing that, she grabbed a water bottle from the nightstand and passed it to Rachel.

"Here."

"Thank you."

She sat up and took a generous sip, attempting to drown her sadness.

"Do you need anything else?"

"To sleep for a whole week and forget everything."

"How about anything I can actually help with?"

"No…"

"Honey, I'm so sorry…"

"I wish you weren't. I wish you didn't know. Now everyone's sorry. You didn't do anything. I don't need you to be sorry," Rachel fumed.

It seemed her mood went from somber to angry over a thin threshold.

"We're sorry it happened to you, Rachel. We're sorry you have to go through this."

"I still wish no one knew. I was doing just fine."

"You ran away to Connecticut…"

"Because my… He sent pictures around to my school. How can anyone take me seriously now? How can I look at anyone? My friends… My teachers…"

"Alright… Let's not focus on that or worry about that just yet. Let's focus on the now. Santana was pretty hard on you. How are you doing after that?"

She shrugged again. Shelby sighed. Maybe it wasn't the time to try to have a conversation. It was late, and they were both tired, but she feared that not even trying would close the door on it. She didn't want Rachel to fall and lock herself away. She needed to try.

"Rachel, hon, was what she said true? Did that… monster, threaten her to keep you quiet?"

Rachel turned her fact further away. She didn't want to have this conversation or any other really.

"Please, Rachel. I know you don't want to talk about it, but this is important."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it really does. He has been harassing you – trying to control you with threats and bluffs."

"But they weren't bluffs, were they? He just thought I said something and now my body is on display at school and on everyone's phone."

"We should report that to the police."

"No! I won't do it. I don't want to do anything."

Quickly, Shelby worked to settle her. It was so easy to set Rachel off, and she just wanted to be supportive.

"Ok… Ok, Rachel. No one is forcing you to do anything. We're just talking."

"Maybe we shouldn't do that either," Rachel mumbled.

"I think it's important that we do. No one else is around, Rachel. It's just you and me. I know I'm probably not the one you'd want to talk to, but I'm here, and I want to be here. You can tell me anything and there's no judgement."

"No one understands," Rachel said quietly.

"Help us understand."

"I can't. I can't talk about it. It… It hurts… Everything hurts all the time."

"Rachel, sweetie, the only way to get past the hurt is to face it."

"I don't know if I can."

"Someone hurt you in unimaginable ways, and it's not fair. It's not right. I would give anything to take the pain for you. I would live through it a million times if it meant you didn't have to experience it, but I can't. I can't take away your pain. I can only try to help you through it. Please… Please try, Rachel. I don't want to lose you to this."

"I'm not lost. I'm right here."

"You're here, but you're so far away. I've noticed it since I ran into you in that diner. You had this darkness about you. You've taken one hit after another, and I don't want to lose you."

Rachel really didn't know what to say, so she said the wrong thing without meaning to.

"I wish I was better at hiding it."

"No… No, don't hide it, Rachel. You're a strong woman. Face it."

Emotion bubbled in Rachel's chest. She didn't want to talk about it, but she couldn't hold it in either. If she did, she would burst. The dark thoughts would win. While sometimes she felt she should let it, she didn't actually want it to.

Her chest heaved as she fought the tears, but there was no stopping it.

"Let it out, Rachel. Let it out," Shelby said before warning her daughter that she was going to hug her.

"I was raped," she stated again. "That's only the second time I've admitted that. But it feels like I'm continually violated because someone I trusted hurt me and then took pictures without my knowledge that he sent to… everyone."

With each word, the tears came heavier, words more muffled by the hiccupped breaths. Shelby just held her close and encouraged Rachel to cry it out. She had a feeling the girl spent so much time trying to forget that she had been living in that moment since it happened, trapped in a loop but never really facing it.

It took almost an hour for Rachel to calm back down. She had been doing a lot of crying and dealing with emotions – all in a more raw and different way than she had in the past. It was a lot. Her life felt like a lot. Everything was just too much.

Shelby held on to every word Rachel muttered, collecting information. What worried her was Rachel's resignation to letting go of her dream because of this. No way could they let her do that, but they would have to build her back up after her fall to get her to that point.

"We don't have to worry about facing anyone tonight, Rachel. Right now it's just you and me, and you know what I see? I see the most amazing, powerful, strong and resilient young woman. There is no judgement here. You are still you. Don't let that monster take that away from you because you are better than him and you deserve to continue to shine."

"I feel horrible all the time."

"I know."

"I don't know what to do."

"Did the drinking help?"

"Sometimes," she admitted. "It didn't take anything away, but it helped me sleep. I… There's no escaping it. It's with me all the time and I just… I needed to be numb. I still wish I was. I don't know what to do one minute from the next."

Shelby took a deep breath before asking her next question.

"I won't ask for a name, Rachel, but you know who did this, right?"

Leaning into her mother's hold, head buried into her pillow, Rachel nodded.

"He has hurt you again? Like… That?"

"No…"

"But he threatened you? And Santana?"

Her lack of response was answer enough.

"He has been sending messages and approaching you… And you don't want to go to the police… report it?"

Rachel pulled away now and looked her mother in the eyes.

"No! I can't. I won't. Who would believe me anyway?"

"We all believe you, Rachel."

"But the police won't. No one else will, especially not now that he sent those pictures. I don't want this to be any worse. It's already horrible. I don't think I can survive worse!"

The words terrified Shelby. The thought of losing Rachel…

"You don't have to tell anyone else. That's up to you. Please, just… Talk to us. Let us help you."

"I just want it to go away. I want it all to be over."

She was crying again. Shelby whispered that everything would be ok as she held her daughter. It was a long day full of a lot of emotion, and Rachel was over it. She was overwhelmed and cried out, but she couldn't seem to stop.

Shelby just held her until she gave in to exhaustion and fell asleep. Shelby just hoped it was restful. The girl looked like she could use it. Arm wrapped around her daughter, knowing she was fast asleep, Shelby finally let her own emotion get the best of her.

She held Rachel tightly against her, heart broken for what her daughter must be going through, and she cried. She cried for her daughter's pain and loss and unfathomable experience. The loneliness she must be feeling and the isolation she was in…

There was just a sadness that weighed heavy on her heart and a protectiveness that kept her up and watching her daughter most of the night.

No one was really fairing well. After their argument, Santana sulked in the other room. Santana was no idiot. She had thoughts on who might've hurt Rachel since the topic was brought up, especially after something Rachel said. But she needed Rachel to tell her. Rachel needed to have that control and power back.

It was Jasper. It had to be him, but Rachel needed to be the one to admit that.

Really, it just made her feel incredibly guilty. In a way, they were all feeling a little guilt – Shelby for not really being there for Rachel, Maggie and Jack for not saying anything when they had that outside perspective that something was wrong, and she and Kurt for leaving Rachel alone with a predator and letting this happen.

Santana was hurt that Rachel didn't say anything and sad that she had to go through this. Mostly, she was guilty. Beyond leaving Rachel open to a predator, it was clear that he had threatened her as a way to control Rachel.

What a fucking dick… She wanted to find him and kill him. All the times she saw him all flirty and friendly… He was preying on her, using his status to manipulate her. Maybe she even noticed Rachel a little conflicted after rehearsals with him, but she didn't question it. Another thing to feel guilty about…

She wondered if he had done anything before then… Anything else that Rachel hid. Mostly, Santana was angry. She was angry that she didn't put the pieces together sooner and that they all let Rachel push them away to hid in her misery.

Right now, she was too angry to sleep. She wanted to fight with Shelby to get back in there with Rachel and continue their talk. She wanted to know how Jasper threatened her. Maybe she needed to break into the phone again… She knew she should have read everything before reacting, but once she initially saw those messages, she just pounced.

In hindsight, she was happy she confronted Rachel because it opened a door, but she wished she was a little more composed and had all the facts. Maybe she could have figured things out sooner and helped more.

As it stood, they all felt out of their depth.

When the next morning rolled around, they were all awake with their questions and pain. One by one, they made their way downstairs. Shelby and her parents were first.

"How was Rachel, last night? We heard the fighting."

"She… had a hard night. She cried herself to sleep and then woke up in a panic really early this morning. It took a while to calm her down. When I left the room, she was faking being asleep. I'm hoping she really fell back asleep."

"Did she say anything?"

Shelby took a healthy sip of her hot coffee before responding, "She said a lot. She's not in a great place. She feels defeated and broken, and I don't know how to help."

"Shelly, we can't change what happened. We can only help her through it. Being here is how you help."

"I wish she would open up more… Go to the police. He's out there walking around carefree while my daughter is curled into a ball crying and in pain! He deserves to pay."

"Well, Shelby," her mother started. "It's not really about what he deserves but about what Rachel needs and wants."

"She may not want it, but she probably needs it. She needs justice."

"Justice is different for different people. She needs to be in control of this as much as she can. We can guide her, we can even make our opinion known, but the choices need to be hers."

"I don't have to like it."

"No, you don't. None of us do. But we can't force her to do anything."

"We think he threatened Santana to keep Rachel quiet," Shelby admitted. "I can't imagine what has been happening. It's been… Months since this happened. The drinking and panic attacks… All of it connect to this."

"It explains a lot. We may not have always known her, but her actions at Christmas seemed out of character for her."

"I did too," Shelby admitted, "But I don't really know what she's like so I didn't want to make too many judgements. She's my daughter, but I've only got glimpses of who she was. Now, I'm just hoping she'll let me be there for her."

"We all hope she'll let us help her. All we can do is try."

When Santana came down, she dragged Kurt with her. Before that, they had spent over an hour in a hushed conversation about what has been going on and what she and Rachel talked about. Together, they went over all the signs they missed, and Santana plied him for information about anything happening at NYADA.

He wasn't in any classes with her, so he really didn't have much feedback there, but when Santana told him that she thought it might have been Jasper, a lightbulb went off.

"You never saw him do anything, did you?" she asked.

"No… Not directly."

"Not directly. What does that mean?"

"I heard some rumors…"

"What? About him?"

"Yeah… Nothing about… You know, doing that, but that he was controlling and didn't treat his girlfriends right. He always cheated on them, but no one mentioned any violence. And there was a dancer a few years ago that said he tried to get her to sleep with him and he'd convince Ms. July to bump her grade. Cassie went to bat for him so nothing came of it, but the rumor was there."

Scowling, she asked, "You didn't think that was worth mentioning?"

"I don't know… It was just a rumor. It's a performance school where everyone is trying to get an edge. There are always rumors. Rachel had been spending so much time with him… I thought if something was wrong or fishy, she would've said something. I can't believe he would do this. Why would anyone want to hurt Rachel? It's not right."

"Of course it's not right. She didn't confirm it was him, but I'm sure it was."

She recounted her encounter with him and how, by just asking questions about that night and who Rachel may have been with, he was set off.

"I think that's why he sent the picture of her… It was payback. He thought she told me what happened."

"That's horrible… She must've been so hurt and afraid this whole time. I… I just want to hug her."

"Maybe you can. Let's go see if she and everyone are awake. I think it's going to be another long one."

"Yeah."

Rachel wasn't down there when they joined the others. Maggie was starting on breakfast while Jack was setting the table. Kurt offered to help while Shelby and Santana had a little chat. Shelby didn't like how Santana acted with Rachel, but she understood it. Now, she just told Santana they needed to be understanding and patient and take things at Rachel's speed.

"It's hard, but it's what we need to do. Now we know and she can't hide from it anymore."

Santana shrugged.

When they were called for breakfast, everyone wondered where Rachel was. But they didn't force an answer. She was hiding, they knew. It was hard to match Beth's innocent happiness with all the company… Especially on what should have been a school night.

"Why is everyone being weird?" Beth asked when she noticed everyone moping around the table. "There are chocolate chip pancakes. We should all be happy."

Her face was covered in melted chocolate and syrup as she looked at them all with a big smile on her face and a forkful of pancake.

"We gotta save some for Rachel, too!"

Everyone looked around. It was later in the morning than Rachel would usually sleep in. They wanted to get her but didn't want to force her hand. She was still feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Though they wanted to show her there was no reason to feel that, they weren't magic.

"She'll come when she's ready, Beth," Jack told her, "I'll make her some fresh pancakes when she does."

"Can't I go wake her up? She's missing all the fun."

"No," everyone seemed to say at the same time, leaving the little girl to huff and pout.

"I hope everyone is nicer to me on my birthday."

The pout quickly changed to a smile.

"Are you coming to my birthday? You and Rachel?" she asked Kurt and Santana who, in turn, looked between each other and Shelby.

It became a whole thing where they got suckered into attending and in charge of getting Rachel to come too. It passed the time though, and before they knew it, it was late morning and still no sign of Rachel.

"I'm going to go check on her," Kurt said.

"Maybe one of the girls should…" Jack suggested.

"She hasn't been afraid of me… I know she could be, but she hasn't been. I hope that's still true, but we won't know if we don't try," Kurt responded.

There was no argument, and Kurt made his way upstairs. Standing outside the door, he gently knocked and waited for a response. None came.

"Rach, you in there?" he asked, ear against the door listening for a response.

He was met with silence.

"I'm coming in," he tried, hesitating before turning the knob, thankful it was unlocked.

He slowly opened the door before he caught sight of her sitting on the ground, back against the bed and her knees curled up to her chest as she stared at her phone.

"Oh Rachel… What happened?"

Kurt ran to her side and sat beside her.

She silently passed him her phone after hitting play on a voicemail.

"Rachel Berry, this is Angela King from the Dean of Academic Affairs and Disciplinary Action. After recent events have come to our attention, we ask that you please remain off campus for the next few days and come for a meeting Tuesday at 10 am to discuss this further. This is not optional. Please be at Gilbert Hall, Office of Academic Affairs, room S235, at 10am. If you do not show, you can consider yourself on track for expulsion."

"Are you kidding me?" Kurt roared. "I could go there right now and give them a piece of my mind… Tell them all what disgusting ass –"

"Stop," Rachel said. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters. You could be expelled."

"It doesn't matter."

"You keep saying that."

"Because it's true. It doesn't matter. I don't think I can ever go back there. I'm not sure I even want to. Who cares if they kick me out? I'm never going to make it on Broadway now. Who would want me? My life is over. My dreams are over."

"Rachel… No…"

"It's ok, Kurt."

"No it's not. None of this is ok."

"You're right. It's not. But this is where we're at. Everything is over. I'm broken and damaged and have nothing left. Who cares if they kick me out?"

"Stop saying that, Rachel. We'll figure this out."

"Sure…"

"We will."

"What if I don't want you to?"