Please forgive me for the delay. I'm going through a transition right now. My job has ended and I've been doing interview after interview for a new position. It was like having two full time jobs. And I got stuck on a part of this. Anyway, I hope you enjoy…
Chapter 19: MessKurt returned downstairs sans Rachel with a look on his face that they couldn't quite decipher.
"What is it?" Shelby immediately asked upon seeing him glumly approach. "What happened?"
Kurt joined them in the living room, sighing as he sat next to Santana. There was a mountain moving through his mind and he didn't know how to make sense of it. Rachel just seemed so… lost and dejected. On top of everything else, she didn't' deserve this.
"Kurt, answer the lady, please," Santana eagerly pleaded. "Is it Rachel? What happened?"
"She was already pretty depressed, understandably. When I went in the room, she was just sitting on the ground looking a little lost… I asked what was wrong and she passed me her phone. She got a message from school."
"A message from who?"
"Someone at the Dean of Academic Affairs and Disciplinary Action's office."
"About what?" Santana hissed out.
"They want her to stay off campus for now and come in for a meeting next week."
"What?"
"Why?"
"I guess it's about what happened. I'm hoping that it's just to investigate but…"
"But… But what?"
"But it sounded a little like they already decided it was Rachel's fault…"
"Oh hell no. I'll march down to that school right now and rip them a new one. Let me at them."
"Santana," Shelby sadly said. "Let him tell us everything please. What did the message say?"
To help Rachel, they needed to know what the message said and how she reacted to it. They needed to be prepared.
"Please, Kurt, tell us what it said exactly," Maggie said.
They weren't talking about anything that little ears couldn't hear, but they kept peeking over at Beth. There was so much bad about what was happening with Rachel that they wanted to keep her innocence clean of. If only they could have done that with Rachel too…
"It wasn't a very long message or even very detailed, but it basically said to stay away from campus… Don't think she wants to be there anyway," he rolled his eyes. "But said that she was expected to meet in the office next week and if she didn't show, she'd be expelled."
"Can they do that?" Shelby asked, heart already breaking for her child.
He shrugged. He didn't really know what they could and couldn't do, but he did know that there was a code of conduct that students had to follow.
"There are bylaws in the student code of conduct… I'm sure naked pictures being spread on school grounds probably violates that."
"She was the one violated," Shelby angrily muttered.
She wanted to yell, but kept it contained. The last thing they needed was to work up both Beth and Rachel.
"I know… But they don't know that, and I don't know if she'll tell them that," Kurt confessed. "She didn't really seem phased by that message. Like she was just not there. She isn't going to fight it."
"What do you mean she isn't going to fight it?" Santana asked. "She has to. Is she even planning to go?"
"I don't know, Santana. She wasn't exactly talkative and what she did say wasn't very positive."
"Kurt," Shelby started, "I'm sure you want to be her friend and not share what she said to you in confidence, but it's important that we know so we can help her. What exactly did she say? How did she react?"
Kurt wasn't sure exactly how to explain it. She just seemed so lost.
"I guess… She was a little flat."
"Flat?"
"It was like she was resigned to it, maybe even expected it? I don't know how else to explain it but…"
"But what?"
"She said her career is over and she wasn't sure she even wanted to go back to school…"
"What?!"
The more she heard, the worse Shelby felt about the situation. Her daughter was being victimized all over again and not even putting up a fight. She truly believed life as she knew it was over, and that killed Shelby. Something horrible happened, but they needed her to see that she was a survivor, strong and resilient.
They had to find a way to get her through this and even get through to her. She was a mess mentally. Shelby understood that. She couldn't fathom what was going on in her head.
"She has to go back to school," Shelby said, mostly to herself.
"I know, but how can we get her to see that? This isn't the first time she said something like this in the last day. She has been trying and working hard, but it feels like the pictures were the last straw," Kurt told them.
"I don't know… Did she say anything else?"
"Not really. When I tried to talk to her, she just pushed me away and asked that I give her a few minutes. That's when I came down here."
"Alright… Let's give her a little time I guess."
What they didn't realize at the time was that Jack had slipped out and disappeared upstairs in search of Rachel.
He knocked on the door, but got no response. There was a momentary debate before he gently opened the door and whispered, "Can I come in?"
A mumbled, "okay," could be heard.
He found Rachel in, what he thought was, probably the same spot Kurt left her, curled up against the bed, sitting on the floor.
"How are you doing?" he asked, getting an immediate scowl in response. "Right. Stupid question."
He sat beside her on the floor, keeping ample distance between them so she'd be comfortable.
"How about I ask a simpler question? What's the plan here, kid?"
He got her to at least acknowledge him beyond a glance.
"That's a simpler question?"
"Easier than deciphering complicated feelings, I'm sure, but I also believe you've been thinking of nothing else."
She shrugged, pulling her knees tighter against her chest.
"I'm really sorry about what has happened to you… Everything that is still happening."
She didn't respond, but he knew she was listening to every word.
"I'm happy you felt safe coming here. I hope you always feel that you can come here. I meant what I said. Maggie and I would like to be your grandparents in more than just blood, but we'll do it on your terms, and there's no pressure."
She gave a weak smile.
"There she is. Look at that beautiful smile."
"I don't feel beautiful."
"Oh, sweetie. I know nothing I say can magically change things or even make them better, but even with the pain you must be feeling, you are the most beautiful girl inside and out. Don't tell Shelby or your aunt… Or your grandmother for that matter, but you might be the prettiest Corcoran I know."
"You're just saying that."
"No. I mean it. Shelby told me about you a long time ago. When I saw you in that diner, I knew exactly who you were – well, I thought I did and turned out to be right. I saw a beautiful young woman with so much of her mother's looks, but do you know what truly made you beautiful?"
"What?"
"The way you played along. You took the pictures and were friendly when you had every reason not to be. Shelby hasn't always been the best to you. I know that must have been hard. I've come to learn you've been through your fair share of pain and heartbreak, but now I know you can get through anything because you've already fought through so much."
"I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want… anything. I just want it to be done."
"Honey, being done is being dead, and you've got way too much to live for."
"I'm just so… So tired and scared all the time. I don't know that I can do this anymore," she broke, hands going to her face as she cried into her palms.
She was a mess, and she knew it. She also knew what her words sounded like. Rachel wasn't suicidal. She wasn't considering offing herself, but the thought was there that things would be easier if she was just… gone. It felt easier to die – not by her own hand – than live with her feelings.
Jack didn't hesitate to pull her to him, mindful of any potential reactions she could have. He held her tightly, allowing her to fall into his embrace.
"You can do anything, Rachel. I know things feel impossible right now. It seems like one thing after another keep hitting you and trying to tear you down, but I promise you can get through this. You are so strong and so wonderful."
"I hate it. I hate everything," she cried into his chest. "I don't know that I can do this."
"You can, sweetheart. I know you can."
"I can't."
"Right now, all you need to focus on is breathing. Can you do that? Big breath in and out?"
She stuttered through a few breaths, trying to control the tears. She had done more real, gut wrenching, hiccupping crying over the last few months than she had in her entire life combined. She was no stranger to tears, but this was different.
Everything, even the good, felt tainted and ruined. Right now, she should be experiencing the ups and downs of meeting her maternal grandparents and that side of her biological family, but it was all ruined by her life. She was bringing her taint to their door. That wasn't right.
"There you go, sweetie. How's that? Feeling a little better?"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry for showing emotion. You're always allowed to feel what you're feeling. Talk to me. Tell me what you need."
"I need… I don't know. I need a time machine."
"Don't we all."
She looked at him with shining, tear filled eyes, appearing every bit the child she was in his eyes, and said, "I don't know what to do."
"Don't worry about what you should do. Don't worry about what others want you to do. Don't even worry about what you think the easiest thing to do would be. Just think about what you want."
"I don't know… I really don't."
"And that's ok, Rachel."
"I've never not known what I wanted. I've never been so… so lost."
"We all get a little lost sometimes. Want to know what helps?"
"Yes. Tell me."
She was expecting a grand answer, a solution to her problems. What she got was every day advice.
"Some self reflection and a good support system. It seems to me that you have a whole group of people in this very house ready to catch you when you fall and help you work through whatever if you let them, but to let them, you need to think about you and what's best for you. The rest will work itself out."
"That's it?"
She was dejected all over again. It was the hope that killed you…
"I know it sounds simple, but it's not. It's hard and it's all a mess, but you just need to give yourself a break. Think about your dreams and work toward them. That's all you have to do. Everything else is just in the background."
"It doesn't feel that way."
"No, I suppose it doesn't." He squeezed her hand. "In this moment, not thinking long term, what do you need? Do you want me to send everyone home and give you some space? Do you want me to march down to that school and tell them where they can shove their…"
"Grandpa!" she squealed, letting out a little laugh.
Jack's heart filled with such pride and hope and love… She called him grandpa.
"There's that smile I'd been hoping to see. You light up a room Rachel. Whether you're feeling down or living your best life, having you around makes the world a better place."
"Thank you," she quietly said, leaning against him. "I think I just need to think… Or not think."
"You do what you need, sweetheart. I could kill this man for hurting you, but don't let him take anymore from you. Ok?"
"I'll try," she whispered.
"Can I get you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Want me to head to New York and find a hit man to take out the guy who did this?"
"I appreciate the offer, but no… I… I'm not really hungry and… I guess I just need to figure some things out. I… I don't know what's going on with me or how I feel about anything."
"You'll get there. Don't give up on yourself."
"I'll try."
"That's all we can ask of you. One last question…"
She looked at him expectantly.
"Have you talked to your fathers? Do they know what's going on?"
"I… I talk to them, but I don't want them to know. I didn't want anyone to know. But they… I love them, but this isn't about them. This is about me and having them know won't help. It might even make things worse."
"People can surprise you, Rachel."
"Maybe."
"Alright. I'll leave you be, but if you need anything, you let me know, even if it's kicking everyone else out. I'll do it. Just say the word."
"Thank you."
Jack left her to her thoughts, worry still heavy on his shoulders. Rachel was going through many challenges, and he wanted to do more to help, but she needed to take control of her own life now more than ever.
They didn't need to agree with whatever she chose to do next, but they had to support her.
On his way back to the rest of the family, he ran into Shelby.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"To see Rachel."
"No."
"No? What do you mean no?"
"She needs some time, Shel. Let her have it. She just needs space to figure things out."
"But she needs support."
"And she has it, but she needs to come to us now. All of this was forced out of her. She wasn't ready to tell us anything. Now she has to work through that along with everything else. I know you're a mother and one day, when Beth is older, you'll understand this, but I've already raised two girls and a son… You learn when to give a child space."
"Dad…"
"Shelby. Please trust me on this. I know your instinct is to go to her."
Shelby didn't like it, but agreed to it. They all tried to wait her out, but Rachel didn't appear for the rest of the day.
In the end, Rachel got the quiet few days away from everything and everyone that she wanted. Jack and Maggie convinced everyone to head home. They would take care of Rachel and make sure she made it to the meeting at her school when they went to New York for the week.
They wanted to fight it, but ultimately left, sending Rachel many texts of support and told her they'd give her a little space.
"We love you, we believe you, and we're here for you. Come home soon," Kurt sent her before they took off.
Rachel felt that they wanted to help her, but she didn't know how to let them or even if they could. She was simply trying to exist in a world where she knew evil existed and bad things happened all the time. Allowing them in seemed like bringing them into her darkness.
She felt more lost than ever and attempting to make sense of things wasn't helping. Her grandparents were, though. They didn't ask questions. They didn't force her to talk about anything. They simply welcomed her into their home and treated her like one of their own.
For two more days, she was their guest and treated like royalty. They were family… They fed her comfort food and treated her like the granddaughter she was. They asked her questions – nothing too probing – and gave her space when she needed it. They just wanted to get to know her, and that was how it was.
It was what she needed to work through some things. She hadn't really figured out anything beyond finding the courage to go to the meeting on Tuesday, but she was feeling… ok. That was more than she could typically say.
Early on Tuesday, the three drove from Connecticut to New York, parking on Shelby's block at the end of the street. They offered to go with her to the meeting, but Rachel politely refused. They did, however, convince her to come inside with them, though she was reluctant.
The last few days of quiet normality was nice. She ignored her phone completely and that was helpful too. But she couldn't hide forever, so she might as well start with the "evil" she knew.
"Hi Rachel. How are you doing?"
"Ok. You?"
"I'm better after seeing you," Shelby said with a smile.
Shelby subtly motioned for her parents to make themselves scarce. Beth was at school and Shelby took the day off hoping she could convince Rachel to let her come to the school. During the weekend, she also had a long talk with the Berry men that wasn't exactly great, but needed to be done.
"Shelby, I've been hoping to hear from you. You haven't been responding to me or Leroy. How are you? What's going on?"
"Hi Hiram. I'm fine. You?"
"Oh, you know. The usual. What's going on?"
"Is Leroy around?"
"No… But I can conference call him in if you want to talk to us both."
"Please."
It took a few minutes to get it all together. Once they were all on the call and pleasantries out of the way, Shelby got right to the point.
"I can't be your middleman anymore," Shelby said.
"Shelby, we never asked you to be our middleman, just to check on Rachel when we couldn't."
"No… On the surface maybe, but I was supposed to report back, and I can't do that to her. We're working on building a relationship and I can't do that when I'm effectively spying on her for her fathers. It isn't right."
"You're not spying on her. And you really haven't told us anything."
"Because I don't feel right doing that."
"Shelby, what's going on?"
"Did you know she knew about your divorce for a while? You've been stringing her along, giving her a little bit of false hope, and it messed with her."
"We didn't do that…"
"Leroy, Hiram… I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just letting you know what she has been dealing with. She had been waiting for you to tell her and when you didn't, it gave her hope. Now she knows about the divorce and that you're selling your house."
"Is she ok?"
"She seemed ok when we talked."
"She's Rachel… She'll always be ok in the end, but she's dealing with a lot. I think… I have to respect her privacy and what she tells me. I need to do that so she can trust me and we can work on us…"
"But Shelby…"
"No… Look, I wanted an in with Rachel. Saying I was doing it to help you made it easier to approach her, but now I have a chance to really get to know who she is now and be in her life. I can't risk that."
"Can you at least tell us what's going on? What brought this on?"
"Rachel is dealing with things, including losing Finn and your divorce. She needs to process that. Maybe it would be nice if you talked with her about it more."
"We've tried."
"Then keep trying, just like I am. She's hurt by the way you handled things… But if she can forgive me enough for all I put her through and give me a chance, I'm sure she'll be happy to do the same for you."
"What changed?"
"I have… She has… Our relationship has. I just want her to trust me, and she can't as long as I may pass information back to you. From now on, if there's something you want to know about her, you need to ask her. If I learn something that I absolutely think you need to know, I will tell you… As her friend reaching out to her fathers… But I can't do regular updates and I won't be a spy. She needs to be in control of her life and tell things to those she wants to tell, but I can promise that as long as she lets me be in her life, if there's something going on, I'll be there for her and support her."
"Shelby…"
"That has to be enough. Ok?" she asked, not letting him finish.
"Ok…" They both reluctantly agreed.
Beyond that, Shelby spent the rest of her weekend worried about Rachel and using that time to feel what she needed to feel away from her daughter. As devastated as she was that someone could hurt Rachel like that, it wasn't her pain that needed to be addressed. It was Rachel's.
She always used that time to come up with a plan to go with Rachel to the school. Now was the time to implement that. Her parents disappeared into the guest room to put down their things and gave the two women a moment to themselves.
"Rachel, before you say anything, please hear me out."
Confused, Rachel just nodded.
"I'd like to come with you to your meeting today. I don't like the idea of you going alone. I don't want them to railroad you or pressure you into admitting to anything. You did nothing wrong. Nothing… And I don't want them to make you feel like you did or punish you for something that was out of your control."
"Shelby…"
"Before you say no, just think about it. You deserve to have support, Rachel and to make sure no one blames you for anything. I can put on my coach Corcoran pants and become a real ass hole if I need to… I haven't always been there for you, even when I had the opportunity to do that, but I am here now and I can help if you let me."
Rachel puffed out a breath, sighing, but really not prepared to fight Shelby on this when she seemed so adamant. She was stressed enough.
"Fine."
"Really?"
"I don't have it in me to argue this. If you want to come, come, but please don't make the situation worse. I just want to get this over with."
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for, but Shelby got what she wanted. Rachel even let her drive them, but the more she gave in, the more Shelby realized just how downtrodden and miserable Rachel was. It was like she was resigned to just lose. She was giving up. It was so very un-Rachel.
The car ride was quiet. Rachel just sat there fidgeting with her hands, clearly anxious about what was to come. While Shelby didn't push Rachel, she did try to make some conversation with no reciprocation. It was exhausting, but she understood.
Rachel didn't say much of anything as they tried to find the appropriate location. Instead, she tried to shield her face from anyone's view and walked in small, rushed steps. Shelby had to hurry behind her as they weaved through the campus.
It took them twenty minutes to find the right place and with each of those moments, Shelby was worried about Rachel breaking out into a panic attack. She watched as Rachel squeezed her hands into fists, occasionally tapping her thumb against the other fingers on her hand, something she was taught by her therapist.
Despite the difficulty they had finding the office, they were still a little early and Rachel was still jittery.
"Everything will be alright, Rachel," Shelby told her, hand gently resting on her shoulder.
Rachel sighed, not even having it in her to roll her eyes. She wanted Shelby to be right, but for the entire car ride from Connecticut, all she thought of were the many ways this meeting could go, and none of the outcomes weighed in her favor.
Nothing would ever be alright again, and it certainly wasn't then.
Her response was to say nothing and enter the room. There was a small seating area and a reception spot where a woman asked how she could help her.
"I'm Rachel Berry meeting with Angela King at 10am."
"Right. She'll be with you shortly. Please take a seat."
Shelby didn't press Rachel to talk again. She could see that Rachel was already on edge. Instead, she offered Rachel her hand to take if she wanted it. Honestly, Rachel just allowing her to be there felt like a win, but even she was worried about how this would play out.
Waiting was torture for both of them, but Rachel was so incredibly uncomfortable. It was like waiting for her doom.
When she was finally called to start the meeting, she walked the plank to her demise… That was how it felt anyway.
Angela motioned for them to sit when they entered the room and gave the customary greetings.
"Sorry I kept you waiting," Angela said. "Always a meeting."
No response from her guests prompted her to get right to the point.
"Rachel, I'm sure you know why you're here."
"I'd like you to clearly state why she's here," Shelby insisted. "She will not be admitting to anything."
Angela turned her attention back to Rachel and huffed.
"Rachel, it has come to our attention that there were risqué pictures of you distributed throughout the school including a few glued on to walls in several classrooms."
Several classrooms… That was news to Rachel. It really shouldn't have mattered, but that made it so much worse.
"And we are investigating the situation."
"I hope you're not implying that Rachel had anything to do with this. She was the victim here."
"Shelby," Rachel hissed.
"Ma'am, we're investigating the situation. Rachel is the only student we know for sure was involved in this. She is the only one we can get information from."
"I… I didn't do it."
"We know that, Rachel. We know you weren't the person who physically vandalized the classrooms with the picture. We have cameras in some of the halls and were able to capture the image of a male student, though no face was seen."
Her shoulders unclenched a little. At least she wasn't being blamed for that.
"However, there is still the matter of the virtual transmission of lude photos."
"I didn't do that!"
"But you know who did, don't you?"
Rachel bowed her head and looked away from the woman. She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to have this conversation.
"Rachel, I need to know whether you were involved in disseminating those photos. If you weren't, you at least know who took them and can help push the investigation forward."
"I don't know…"
"Rachel, please be honest with me."
"I don't know who took them!"
"Please calm down."
"Don't tell her what to do."
"Excuse me?" Angela asked, taken aback by the stern Coach Corcoran in front of her. "I am doing my job. It is my role here to discipline and oversee any investigations into misconduct. Not only did Rachel take part in taking these salacious photos, but she hasn't said anything to make me believe that she didn't take part in the spread of these photos. It wouldn't be the first time young girls thought naked photos would be their claim to fame."
"I didn't," Rachel insisted, but her voice was muted and numb.
"You don't know Rachel nor what she would do, and I don't appreciate the threats you already made about potentially expelling her if she didn't show today. What if she couldn't make it? What then?"
"Shelby, please stop…"
"Maybe you should listen to her, Shelby."
"Rachel, honey, you did nothing wrong."
"Despite what your mother says, Rachel, until we're done investigating and with the knowledge that you participated in taking and potentially sharing these photos, I do believe it would be best to remove you from your TA posting until further notice."
Rachel didn't speak. She saw this all happening. She assumed she wouldn't come out unscathed. Her life was a mess and she was just bathing in filth. It was what it was. She simply sunk down and took it, but there was too much noise around her. There was too much bickering and thoughts racing in her head – so much so that she missed a lot of what was said after that.
Abruptly, Rachel stood, pulling the attention of the two other women.
"I didn't do anything… I didn't. I didn't ask for this or want this. I would never… But none of that matters. You're going to do what you want – take what you want – just like everyone else. I don't even care anymore."
Rachel said what she felt needed to be said, but was feeling beyond overwhelmed. None of the techniques were working and she could feel the death creeping up her body. She was having a panic attack and couldn't do that there.
So she left. She ran out, leaving Shelby and Angela alone.
Frustrated and worried, Shelby stood intimidatingly looming over the other woman's desk.
"You have some nerve. My daughter was victimized. Someone took photos of her and used them to harass her… to humiliate her at her place of learning. Rather than interrogate her and treat her horribly, maybe you should look more closely at the caliber of students you have that you let this happen in the first place. And if I ever – ever – hear that you've treated my daughter this way again in the future, I will file every lawsuit my lawyers can think of and bury you in litigation for the next ten years. Do you understand me?"
"Ma'am…"
"Don't ma'am me. Don't. You have no idea what she has been through and what those photos have done to her. She isn't comfortable here. That's on you and this school. Do better."
With that, Shelby grabbed her purse and started to chase after Rachel.