Chapter 6: The Affair
So long, I've been looking too hard
I've been waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find
I only know it's a matter of time
When you love someone
When you love someone
It feels so right, so warm and true
I need to know if you feel it too
Maybe I'm wrong
Won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong?
This heart of mine has been hurt before
This time I want to be sure
I've been waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life
I've been waiting for a girl like you
A love that will survive
I've been waiting for someone new
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you
To come into my life
You're so good
When we make love, it's understood
It's more than a touch or a word we say
Only in dreams could it be this way
When you love someone
Yeah, really love someone
Now, I know it's right
From the moment I wake up 'til deep in the night
There's nowhere on earth that I'd rather be
Than holding you, tenderly
– "Waiting for a Girl Like You" by Foreigner
Though Touga anticipated the news every day, it was another two months before Izayoi came alone into the forest, her usual smile replaced with a strained one.
"What's wrong?" Touga asked, already knowing the answer.
"I'm afraid this will be the last time I can see you," she replied, her eyes downcast. "I am to be married. Even now, the servants are gathering my things. I will be leaving for my lord's estate at the end of the week."
"You…do not desire this marriage?" Touga asked. If she said as much, then—
Then what? What can you possibly do for her?
Izayoi's stiff smile remained stolidly in place. "I am honored that this unworthy one has been chosen to secure this estate's future. We have been struggling for years, and as a result, the peasants who depend upon us have suffered. If securing this alliance is the part I can play to help our people, then I will gladly go."
Except her words did not sound glad at all, despite the smile she pasted on.
Such a selfless creature…. The complete opposite of his wife, who worked only for her own amusement.
Just then, he wanted to slap himself. What are you saying? Kimi takes care of our province while I am away at war. How could you belittle the mother of your child so?
He didn't understand where this sour feeling in his heart had come from. He loved Kimi—so why did his every thought of her recently seem so…negative?
I keep comparing her to Izayoi, he realized. Though his heart ached at the thought of never seeing Izayoi again, he knew it would be for the best. I must distance myself and put her out of my mind. Use what I have learned here and try to renew my marriage. There is hope with Inukimi yet.
…Isn't there?
"I understand well the call of duty. I hope you will find genuine happiness with your new husband," Touga said.
"Thank you, Touga-sama," Izayoi answered, bowing. "I've enjoyed our friendship these last few months, and…I hope you will remember me fondly," she replied, her voice catching.
Touga answered before he could stop himself. "I will not be able to forget you."
Izayoi looked up at him, her onyx eyes wide and glimmering. All at once, the subtle tang of salt hit his nose, and she lowered her gaze. In a tight voice, she murmured, "Nor I you, sir. Good day." Then she turned and practically fled. Touga watched her hurry back to the manor, promising himself that he would allow only this last glimpse of her to enliven his memories and that he would go home as soon as she passed through the gates.
But he had made a bad habit of breaking his promises lately.
I'll leave after I make sure she gets to her betrothed's safely. A palanquin is a target for bandits and warmongers alike.
So he kept himself hidden as the household prepared for Izayoi's departure and watched the morning she stepped into her palanquin. He savored the view of her silken hair slipping over the pink embroidery of her kimono before the curtain lowered and she disappeared from sight.
It would take three days to reach her betrothed's estate—or so he gathered from the way her guards spoke. Touga followed the procession, taking care of any demons, bandits, or human war parties he sensed might cross paths with them.
Perhaps that was why it took him until the third day to hear her soft sobs from within the palanquin.
From his position in the sky and with his demonic vision, he could already make out a human manor in the distance—still too far for the humans to see but close enough that he supposed it was their destination. His heart tugged as he listened to those quiet cries, and curiosity prompted him to fly ahead and spy on the household.
It became immediately clear to him who the lord was: a hefty man with sagging jowls and a large paunch. His thin, white hair was tied up in the samurai fashion, though there was certainly no need to shave his head for a tonsure. The man was naturally balding. Touga frowned.
Did I misunderstand? Surely Izayoi is meant to marry the lord's son—not this tub of lard two steps from the grave.
But then the man summoned his concubines and said, "My new bride is due to arrive any time now. Are the preparations for her complete?" When they answered in the affirmative, he added, "Treat her as your younger sister, and welcome her into the family when she arrives." Then he dismissed them.
But as the harem walked back to their quarters, their whispered gossip flittered through Touga's ears. "I can't believe my lord is marrying another woman. Are we not enough?"
"I hear her only worth is the army her father has. She herself is supposedly infertile, so with any luck, she won't be able to give my lord a son. That betters the prospects for my own."
"Her family is apparently so poor, she's only bringing one maidservant."
"Now, now, we mustn't judge her yet. She sounds like a pitiful thing."
"I've met her before, and she lives up to her nickname as the Lotus of Kai Province. She's stunningly beautiful."
"Then perhaps she'll take the brunt of our lord's affections. It's getting harder and harder to watch his saggy skin flap when he's on top of me."
Touga listened to every word in growing horror. Izayoi would find no happiness here: only scorn and abuse.
She deserves so much better than this lot in life.
He flew back to Izayoi's procession, fury spurring him on and cementing his decision. When he arrived, he landed on the road in front of her retainers. The palanquin bearers froze and yelped in surprise.
"Demon!" they cried out.
"Don't—" Touga started, holding up a hand in peace.
Two guards—one he recognized as Takemaru—drew their swords and pointed at him.
He sighed. "…Draw your swords."
"What's happening?" Izayoi inquired from inside the palanquin.
"Stay inside, princess!" the woman Touga recognized as Izayoi's lady-in-waiting screamed.
"Stand back; we will slay the demon," Takemaru called out, stepping forward.
"I mean no harm to you or the princess," Touga announced.
"Touga-sama?" Izayoi asked, sliding a small window on the front of the palanquin open. She gasped as she noticed him, hope lighting her eyes. Immediately, she threw up the curtain and tried to climb out.
"Princess, stay inside!" Takemaru repeated, moving back towards her.
But with his demonic speed, Touga zipped past the guards and stood in front of Izayoi, taking her hands and supporting her as she slid out. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "W-Why are you here?"
"Back away from the princess!" Takemaru shouted. He swung his sword at Touga's back. Without even looking at the human, Touga raised his hand and caught the blade between his fingers. With a slight twist of his wrist, the blade snapped in half, and he tossed the broken bit away. Takemaru gaped at him.
"Answer me truthfully. Do you want this marriage, Izayoi-dono?" Touga asked.
She shook her head, her eyes never leaving his. "No, Touga-sama."
"Then you need not suffer it." He pulled her up into his arms princess-style, and as her arms wrapped around his neck, his heart tingled. Then he leapt into the air and flew away.
"Princess Izayoi!" her maid shouted.
Takemaru cried out, "Princess, never fear: I will save you!" But his words died on the wind, and Touga paid no heed to them.
Touga carried Izayoi far from both her home and her betrothed's—closer, in fact, towards the area above which the Sky Palace floated but not close enough to sense it. Izayoi shivered in his arms—from shock or the wind, he couldn't tell—but he pulled his fur cape around her. Her own warmth seeped into his arms, and this close, her floral scent intoxicated him.
He needed to let her go as soon as possible.
Finally, he spotted a human city he knew had a good reputation. He landed on a hill overlooking it and set Izayoi down.
She scanned the area, confusion dimpling her brow, and then turned back to Touga, that damnable hope in her eyes. "What now, Touga-sama?"
He knew what she wanted. He knew what she expected. And he supposed he had leaned into those expectations, personally coming to snatch her away from the life she always anticipated she'd live.
But he had a duty to his wife and to his province. He would help Izayoi begin her own life…but their interactions had to stop here.
Touga reached for a heavy pouch at his side and handed it to her. Izayoi took it and opened it to find it filled with gold koban. Her eyes widened in shock.
"That should allow you to set up a new home here. Go live a life of leisure or be a healer or whatever it is you wish to do. You are free now."
Izayoi blinked slowly, as if she couldn't understand his words. "Free?" she echoed. He nodded.
Suddenly, her features tightened, as did her fist over the bag.
"Is this your way to ease your guilt?" she asked, jiggling the bag in his face. "You stole me away from a stable and secure life, but for what? For me to struggle to make my way on my own?"
Touga frowned. "With that much gold, you will never struggle—"
"Of course I will!" Izayoi snapped, and Touga's eyes flew open in shock. He had never seen her get angry before. "Rumors will circulate about the strange woman who came to town with no husband and no material possessions but for a bag of gold! Do you think word will not spread? They will think I stole it, and then someone will put everything together and find out I am the 'kidnapped bride' who never dared return to her lord. My reputation will be in tatters. I do not know what it is like in demon society, but in the human world, I am worthless if I am not a wife! And even my worth to my betrothed was already paltry, because—" She cut herself off, glancing away from him.
Touga growled. "You are not worthless! Could you not go be a healer? I have seen so many women healers—"
"Yes, priestesses and nuns who dedicate their lives to serving others out of the goodness of their hearts or because they have no other options left in life."
Touga's shoulders relaxed. "You have more than enough goodness in your heart, Izayoi. You would make a fine priestess."
Izayoi stared at him, tears dripping out with every blink of her eyes. "But I don't want to live the life of a priestess, Touga-sama. I am far too selfish for that."
"How so?"
"I don't want to live out my life alone."
"Then don't." With that much money, she could buy herself any husband she wanted. There might not be love…but as long as it was her choice, it would suffice.
Wouldn't it?
She swallowed, taking a few shuddering breaths. "Few men would be willing to marry me. The only reason my betrothed was willing was because…he already has his heirs."
At first, Touga didn't follow. But then he recalled what one of the lord's concubines had said. He had dismissed their words as sheer rumor though. "You're saying—"
"I cannot have children," Izayoi burst out, bowing her head in shame.
"Why would you say that?" Had she been married before? No, she was too young. And she smelled like a virgin.
Izayoi swallowed thickly. "E-Every healer I have ever spoken to has told me that…that I will likely never bear children."
"How can you be sure if you've never…." He stopped himself when he saw the embarrassment flood her cheeks.
"I…my…um…courses are not regular," she whispered, hiding her reddened face behind her sleeve. Behind it, she started to sob. "B-But e-even if…even if I am never able to…to have a child, I at least…hoped…to m-make a life together with…with a man. And—"
"And I took you away from the one opportunity you had."
Now it made sense. Why her father had been so delighted that the lord would take her "as is." Why a lord with so many wives would take yet another one. He did not need Izayoi for her child-bearing capabilities. He needed her father's army, and she was simply the payment.
Izayoi shook her head, dabbing at her eyes. "Do not blame yourself. I came with you. Willingly."
The way she gazed up at him made her unsaid words perfectly clear.
She had seen another opportunity for a life with a male and taken it.
Touga swallowed, and his demon growled within him.
She wants you. She has all but said it. Take what is offered. TAKE IT.
His heart raced as he tried to reign the beast in. I can't. Inukimi….
Inukimi thought of him as nothing but breeding stock. Wasn't that how she had always treated him? He had fulfilled his duty to her and sired a son. Now they used each other for their pleasure, but she had told him she wanted nothing more.
No more children. No mating bond.
She had left him to his own devices for so long. Would he really be happy living the rest of his near-immortal life like that?
Inukimi doesn't care about me.
But Izayoi does.
Still, he had to hear her say the words. He would not delude himself any longer with insinuations and hope. He had already done that for far too long.
"Izayoi-dono, if you wanted to be married…then why did you tell me you didn't?"
Izayoi took a deep breath and looked up at him with wet eyes that glittered like a lake surface under a full moon night. "That wasn't the life I desire, Touga-sama. You are the life I desire."
Suddenly, she threw her arms around his neck and pressed her spider-lily-red mouth to his.
His beast broke free.
He clasped her to him, deepening their kiss, and Izayoi gasped as their bodies pressed obscenely together. He guided her tentative, clumsy lips, showing her how to part them and dance with his tongue.
He tangled his fingers in her silken, cosmic locks and ran his hands down her spine and over her backside, but there was far too much clothing covering her. He broke them apart, growling, and tore off her outermost robes. Next went her obi.
"Touga-sama!" she cried out, looking down at the hands that yanked her clothes apart. She looked up at him and did a double-take, gasping. "Y-Your eyes! They're red!"
He had no doubt. He could barely think straight; his demonic instincts were driving every movement of his body. But her surprise stilled him—for a moment.
"Does the sight repulse you? Are you having second thoughts?" he bit out. "Are you starting to understand what it really means to be with a demon, Izayoi-dono?" he asked, barely keeping himself from throwing her down on the ground and rutting her.
Izayoi brought up a hand to trace the lightning mark over his cheekbone. "Did you forget I have seen you at your most ferocious, ripping another demon apart until I was drenched in its blood?" she asked. He blinked slowly at her. He hadn't forgotten, but now that he thought about it, she probably did understand. "If I had been repulsed that day, I would not be here right now, Touga-sama."
Whatever doubts were left in his heart melted away like the vestiges of winter snow beneath a spring sun. He tightened his grip on her, and she sucked in a short breath.
"This is your last chance to leave, Izayoi. If you run, I will let you go. If not, I will rut you and make you mine. There will be no going back. There will be no other men for you. Demons guard what is theirs. Do you understand, Izayoi-dono?"
"Yes," she breathed, her soft hand slipping down his neck to land over his raging heart. "But please—no more formalities. Not if…not if we are to be intimate, To-Touga."
"Izayoi," he murmured, kissing her neck with fervor. She moaned in his arms, her knees going weak, and he almost laughed at how easy it was to make her give in. Not like—
No. No, don't think of her.
He threw his fur cape down to the ground, and they sank onto it. As he lay her down, he peeled back the layers of her dress, anxious to explore the flesh he'd only had glimpses of at this point.
But as soon as he untied her juban, she froze, her arms coming up to cover herself as if she had been yanked out of a haze.
"Why are you being so shy? You bared everything to me the day we met, did you not?" he asked with a sly smile, carding his claws through her hair. The words felt familiar on his tongue, and an image of Inukimi lying on the grass beneath him flashed through his mind.
He brushed it away, his inner demon helping him to focus only on Izayoi's reaction.
She flushed. "If I had known what you were back then…."
"Would you have refused to heal me?" he asked.
"No. But…I might have found something else to use as a bandage," she murmured, glancing away from him in bashfulness.
Touga slid his hand between the parted fabric, his fingers sliding over smooth flesh that pebbled beneath his touch. A curious reaction. He had never felt that before, for demons were less prone to it. "Would it help if I undressed first?"
Izayoi gaped at him. "I…um…maybe?"
Touga smiled at his innocent virgin. He had never been shy about his body, and he had no reason to be. But if she had the desire to undress him herself, she did not appear to have the inclination to act upon it. Was that a human custom, he wondered? Surely she had been taught about the art of the bedchamber before she was sent off to be wed—but how much did she actually know? How much was she allowed to know?
He took pity on her anxiety and tossed off his armor and clothing until he knelt before her in the nude. Izayoi's eyes bulged as she took in his bronzed form—including his half-erect cock.
She swallowed and reached out a hand but then pulled it back. Touga grabbed it and placed it against his breast, her cool fingertips quickly warming with his heat. "I want you to touch me, Izayoi."
"You…you do?"
"Yes. You're allowed to touch any part of me you desire," he answered, releasing her wrist and curious to see where she would go.
He hoped she would go for his manhood, but he supposed that was too direct for an ingenue like her. Instead, her fingers traveled up his neck, outlining his jaw and the edge of his pointed ear before cresting his scalp and coming to rest on the tie holding his ponytail. With a yank, the tie came free, and his hair slid down like a curtain around his cheeks.
"Oh," Izayoi breathed, her cheeks growing darker. She drew her fingers through his sleek hair as if she were playing a koto. "You are stunning, Touga. I…. Are you sure you wish to lie with me?"
"Dearest, Izayoi," he answered, cupping her cheek. Her vulnerability touched him to his core. She deserved some of the same in response. "I have been fighting this attraction from the start, but I don't want to resist it any longer. The thought that you should live unhappily for the rest of your days tore my heart. So yes, I wish for nothing more than to lie with you, if you'll have me."
"It is I who should be saying that," Izayoi answered, taking the lapels of her juban and pulling them off, baring her body to him. Fire flashed through his veins as he took in the islands of rosy nipples surrounded by milk-white skin. "Of course I will have you."
He grasped her head and kissed her again, laying her down against his fur. He palmed her breasts before sucking them. Izayoi whimpered and moaned beneath him, seemingly unsure of what to do with her hands as she lay pliant. But that was fine. Today, he would worship her body. In time, he would teach her the art of sex. But for today, he would simply treasure the gift she was giving him.
He needed to prepare her body to take him, for he did not want to hurt her. "Would you like my fingers…or my tongue?" he asked her, licking her ear.
"For…what?" she replied.
In response, he reached down and slipped a digit through her slit, careful to keep his claw from scratching the tender folds. She gasped, her legs closing around his fist in shock.
"You would…put your mouth there?" she asked. "But I thought—" She cut herself off, and Touga chuckled.
"One's member is not the only thing that can enter through here," he answered.
"But…isn't that the goal? To conceive children? Not that I—"
He kissed her to silence her before she could finish that thought. "Do not fret about such things, Izayoi. Today is only about us."
"But I still don't understand why you would…."
Touga chuckled, kissing her forehead. "My sweet, it seems I have much to teach you. Or do you just want my cock that badly?"
"Your—?! Touga!" she gasped.
"Or perhaps you want my dirty tongue instead?" he asked, tracing her lips with said appendage. When she still didn't relax, he shook his head and rubbed her thigh. "We'll start slowly and work our way up. But to answer your question, Izayoi, I do this to pleasure you. …I've never been with a human before, and I have no wish to harm you more than I may."
"Oh," she murmured. "I didn't think…. I was led to believe the pleasures of the bedchamber were only for men."
"Nonsense," he answered, rubbing his thumb over her clit. She sucked in a breath again, but it soon turned to base groans as he massaged the nub. "Only selfish males take without giving."
It didn't take long for her virgin body to rock with pleasure from just a simple caress. And as her legs continued to twitch with the aftershocks of joy, he lined himself up at her entrance.
Touga took a deep breath as he held himself over her. Slowly, he told himself. Don't break her.
"Are you ready?" he asked. Though he wished to buy himself another moment to calm down, his demon rocked against his ribs, demanding that he take her now. He had already been waiting for so long.
"Make me yours, Touga," Izayoi answered.
He couldn't remember ever pushing inside a female so slowly. But even with this pace, Izayoi tensed and whimpered, her chest heaving with short breaths.
"Izayoi, relax, or it will only hurt more," he said, hating that he was causing her pain. He kissed her cheeks, her eyelids, her clavicle. Anything to distract her.
"I-I'm sorry," she answered. "I…I know I'm supposed to bear it without a word, but…it hurts," she answered.
"Dearest, you do not have to bear this in silence," he answered, kissing her neck. "It will get better. I promise. Just relax." He caressed her ribs. "Open your legs wider." She did and breathed a sigh of relief. "Better?"
"Yes."
He nudged in further, and after a few more grunts, he stopped. After a moment, she peeked up at him. "Is…is that it?"
He shook his head, tucking her hair behind her ear. "No. I'm just letting you adjust first."
"Oh." He felt her muscles squeeze experimentally against him, and he almost growled in desire. But he would not move just yet.
He may have let most of his iron will slip today, but he could hold back this much.
"I think…I think I'll be fine now," she answered.
To test it, he shifted back slowly, then thrust in again. Her brow still puckered with unease, but she didn't say anything.
"Look at me," he said, and her eyes moved to hold his gaze. They sparkled like far off galaxies, and he could get lost in their endless depths.
This. This was the look he had been searching for all these centuries.
Acceptance. Trust.
Love.
This is not rutting. This is what the poets mean by making love. Now I understand.
"Concentrate only on me," he murmured, leaning down and kissing her again.
He moved his fingers back to her clit as he thrust into her, and this time, she started to pant again with pleasure. Those noises drove his libido wilder, breaking the leash on his demon.
She's yours. Make her yours!
Her neck called to him. He moved down to kiss it.
Then he opened his mouth and bit down.
Izayoi screamed, and the sound of it tied to the taste of her blood sent his orgasm rolling through him. He spilled into her as he held her trapped to him and lapped up her blood. A wave of exhaustion hit him, and he let his forehead hit his fur, panting over her.
"T-Touga?" Izayoi asked in something of a whine. "I-I cannot breathe."
He pulled out of her and sat up in a daze. Izayoi sucked in a great lungful of breath and brought her hand up to her shoulder. She tapped against the wound and winced, pulling away to find droplets of blood on her fingers. They mirrored the slight smear on his fur beneath her mound.
She swallowed. "I suppose this is part of what it means to be with a demon." When she looked at him, her eyes widened. "Touga? No, don't look so worried—I'll get used to it, I promise!"
But Touga wasn't listening to her. He stared at the bite marks on her shoulder in dawning horror. Because from the hints of energy around it, he knew it wasn't an ordinary bite.
It was a mating mark.
What have I done?
How could he have mated another woman so quickly? His lust for Izayoi wasn't surprising—even before Inukimi, he had had a strong libido. But Inukimi had been able to suppress his urges for other females. She never withheld from him.
Except when it came to mating.
He had ignored all his thoughts and feelings about Inukimi today, knowing he'd have to deal with them when all was said and done but diving headfirst into the pleasure his beast craved. He didn't quite know what he'd planned to do with Izayoi after making love to her—take her back and exert his dominance, forcing Inukimi to accept her as his concubine, or hide Izayoi somewhere where he would visit between his wars and time at home.
But he had not planned to mate her. That changed everything.
No, maybe I didn't mate her. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it really is just a bite mark—
Izayoi placed a hand to her chest, frowning in puzzlement. "Touga, I-I feel…strange. My heart's beating so fast. I…I don't understand. I'm so happy, and yet…I feel so…panicked? Is this normal?"
And that was when he knew.
Touga's shoulders deflated. "Because those aren't your emotions, Izayoi. Those…are mine."
"W-What?"
Touga let his head fall in his hands.
Dear gods, what have I done?
Tears pulsed out of his eyes.
Inukimi, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—
No, Izayoi, I love you. I don't regret this, but—
Oh gods, what have I done to my family?
Warm arms clasped his back and rubbed up and down his spine. "Touga, tell me what's wrong. Why are you so sad? Is it…." She swallowed against his shoulder. "Is this about your wife?" she asked in a whisper.
"Yes," he admitted, tears dripping onto Izayoi's skin. "Izayoi, I don't know what to do."
The last time he had cried on a female—on his wife's lap—she had mocked him. Gently, but mocked him nonetheless. Izayoi just held him though, as if there was nothing wrong with a greater demon shedding tears of guilt.
She comforted him in silence for several seconds before saying, "…You could go back to her. I understand, Touga. What you've given me…is more than I deserve. And I will treasure this memory forever. But if you cannot take me as a concubine, then I will step aside. She is your wife…and I have already taken more than I should have."
Touga pulled away from her and brushed the bangs from her eyes. "You don't understand, Izayoi. With this," he said, tracing down to outline the mark on her shoulder without hurting her, "I have chosen you over her. Whatever was between Inukimi and me…is over now. And somehow, I have to tell her that."
As she held his pitiful form for the rest of the afternoon, he explained to her all about the mating process—or at least, what he knew of it. He had never heard of a bond formed between a demon and a human before. Izayoi had no demonic energy, so she could not return the bite and forge the other half of the bond. But apparently, at least part of his energy had still penetrated her: she was able to feel his emotions.
He should have been overjoyed. He had been longing for the emotional connection of a mate for eons. But his shame tainted that felicity, turning it into a sludge of despair.
Why? I thought the mating bond was supposed to render any other attraction to a female null. I thought it meant I would only have eyes and a heart for Izayoi. So why? Why do I still feel this guilt? I wouldn't feel so guilty if I didn't care for my wife.
So why do I still love Inukimi too?
He tried to will those feelings away, knowing that poison was tainting Izayoi's heart now as well, but he just couldn't. For the first time, he understood Inukimi's hesitance to share her emotions.
That first day, he wished Izayoi didn't have access to his.
"Still no sign of your father?" Inukimi asked Sesshoumaru as he alit at the top of the stairs before her throne.
"No."
Inukimi closed her eyes, trying to reign in her panic. It wouldn't do to let Sesshoumaru see how worried she was. "We're running out of places to look."
She had already been out several times over the past few months searching for her husband. A report had come from the warfront saying that Touga had been injured in his battle with the Panther King, but he never returned to camp. Since he hadn't come back to court either, she sent their soldiers out to search for him.
Yet even with the best noses in the kingdom, they had not been able to sniff out his whereabouts or sense him anywhere on the route between here and the warfront.
Not seeing him for months at a time was nothing new; not hearing from him was an altogether different matter. And the fact that he had disappeared?
She had begun to fear the worst.
"Sesshoumaru, I know you believe otherwise, but we should prepare ourselves in case—"
"He's not dead, Mother." Then Sesshoumaru frowned. "At least…I do not think so."
"What makes you so certain?" Inukimi demanded.
Her tightlipped son didn't answer.
Ugh, if I had just mated Touga as he wanted, I would have been able to sense how much pain he's in. Or if he was dead, then we would know, because I too would have died. But this uncertainty is….
It's driving me mad.
Mad to the point where she could no longer imagine living her life without him.
Inukimi cast her gaze once more to the horizon on the chance her hopes would manifest. She had positioned her throne in this spot centuries ago precisely so she would know whenever her husband deigned to return.
Touga, if you come back to me…I promise, I'll finally take you as my mate.
She would never admit it to anyone, but of late she had fallen into flights of fancy. When she thought about sharing her energy with her husband and knowing him on a level as no other could, a flame of satisfaction warmed her heart.
She often thought back to their rut in her heat and how Touga had opened her eyes to all the possibilities of pleasure and the joy of being desired and cherished by another being. If she could feel those emotions of his next time they lay together, how much more intimate could they become?
It would probably break her world—and she'd welcome it.
And maybe—just maybe—after that, if she could feel his desire for it through their mating bond, it would infect her as well…and they could make another child.
Of course, the bond would work both ways, so no matter how much she tried to hide, he too would always know what lay in her heart of hearts.
That had been concerning—even more than the thought of tying her life to his with his somewhat reckless behavior. She was confident in his strength, and yet she often wondered if he was tempting fate the way he sought out so many strong opponents. She understood the urge to find that perfect fight, but did he have no restraint?
Even so, she resolved she would mate him the very day he returned, so as not to get cold feet. She had bargained with the gods over and over again these last few months. She had certainly had enough time to come to terms with the idea.
Inukimi knew she had kept Touga waiting, but the first time he asked to mate her all those centuries ago, he'd taken her by surprise. Questions flooded her mind: didn't only those foolish demons who fell ridiculously in love pledge to be mates? Wasn't love something to be scorned? Something human?
"Are you in love with me?" she had asked, unsure which answer she wanted. On the one hand, for her husband to be ridden with such a soft emotion as love was embarrassing, and yet…to know that he not only desired her but was devoted to her…. Well, that boosted her confidence.
But the question made her reconsider everything she thought she knew—even when she didn't want to face those answers. So it had taken some time.
It began when she realized just how she missed him whenever he left. In the years he had stayed home with her after Sesshoumaru was born and when their boy went on his Rite, she had gotten used to his ever-present company. When he was gone, the palace felt less lively. She tried to write off those feelings, telling herself that she had lived fine before Touga came into her life and she could live without him if she had to, but the idea of doing so left a stale taste in her mouth.
And now that Sesshoumaru too had contracted a case of wanderlust—something inherited from his father, no doubt—the more she was left on her own, the more her life here felt…boring.
Once she accepted those feelings, she turned to the main question: Am I in love with him?
But what was love exactly?
She understood maternal love, to the extent that she wanted to provide the best for her son and that if something happened to him, she would mourn in her heart. But she would also accept the outcome, knowing he had not been strong enough to survive.
And with what she had seen during her Rite, demons would need that strength eventually.
Just as she would mourn for Sesshoumaru should he perish, she realized she would mourn Touga as well. But she thought she had hardened her heart enough that she would be able to accept such an outcome.
At least, until the report that he was missing came and she had dropped everything to go search for him.
Just then, a familiar aura pressed on the edges of her awareness, and she sat up. Even Sesshoumaru straightened. Inukimi peered across the cloudy expanse outside her palace. Could it be…?
A dog demon burst through the layer of clouds, trailing off him like ribbons. Inukimi sucked in a breath as she recognized him.
Oh, Touga, thank the gods you've come home.
She admired the entirety of his majesty as he rode the winds, from the tip of his snout all the way down to his curling tail that could sweep away the stars. Her heart fluttered in her chest in anticipation.
This is it. You can do this.
She could, but that bravery was only born from the fact that she knew he wanted to mate as well.
She masked any worry from her face, affecting a façade of confidence. She would demand to know where he had been. He deserved an earful for leaving her to worry for so long.
But then she would take him back to their room and mate him right then and there, so that he would know how much he meant to her.
However, when Touga reached the palace, he didn't morph into his human form right away. Instead, he walked up the steps in demon form until he reached the top.
Then he flattened himself in a pose of submission.
Inukimi's brows puckered. He had never done this before. Did he realize how much she had worried?
Suddenly, something moved behind his ear, and a human woman slid down his forearm and onto the ground. Inukimi straightened in curiosity. Only when the human was on her feet did Touga transform. The look on his face was grim.
And a strange energy emanated from the woman—demonic and familiar, though it could not possibly be her own, since she reeked of human. It almost felt like….
No.
Inukimi's heart lurched, cold creeping across her chest like a sudden autumn frost. It can't be.
But even Sesshoumaru's fist curled beside her, and a glance at his face showed his brows slanted in cold rage.
Inukimi gripped her seat hard, straining to keep a straight face. "What is this, Touga? Have you brought this human home to eat?"
"No, my lady."
My lady. Not Kimi. Heavens above, this cannot be happening.
When Touga held the woman's hand, Inukimi's heart cracked.
With a wave, she dismissed all the guards and any loitering nobles in the vicinity. Whatever Touga said, they would still hear, but at the very least, she could not bear for their eyes to be upon her.
"Sesshoumaru, you too," she said. She could not bear for him to be here for this.
"There is no need to shield me, Mother. I know what he has come to say." He glared at Touga. "So say it already, Father."
Touga's eyes flitted from his son to his wife. He held her gaze as finally spoke, his voice weak. "Inukimi…I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this, but…I…I've met my mate."
Time seemed to freeze at that moment as Inukimi stared at her husband. He did not appear to be a new mate in the throes of euphoria. Rather, he acted like a man bringing home a mistress—trying to assert himself and yet acting so guilty, it subverted any intention of authority.
She couldn't even begin to comment upon the abhorrent idea that he had mated a human of all things. Was that even possible? Mating was an exchange of demonic energy, and that woman had no energy to give. Indeed, while she sensed Touga's mark on the woman, she detected no such mark upon him. Oh, he smelled of her alright—but he smelled of Inukimi as well, and that scent was ingrained much deeper.
It could be worse, I suppose. He could have mated another demon.
"And? What was your intention in bringing her here? Surely you did not think I would allow a human to enter my halls?" she asked.
Touga winced at the word "my." Her word choice had been deliberate. If he was going to distance himself from her, she could do the same.
To her surprise, the woman suddenly fell prostrate upon the floor, offering her a dogeza. "My honored lady, forgive this one's impertinence. I dare not covet the position of first wife that my lady rightfully holds, yet if thou shouldst accept me into thine household as my lord's concubine, this unworthy one would ask for nothing more."
Sesshoumaru scoffed, but Inukimi stayed silent. She would not deign to talk to such a lowly creature, no matter how eloquently she spoke.
What does he see in her? She might be pretty for a human, but her looks are nothing special. She's obviously well-bred. But the same could be said for Inukimi, couldn't then? Then why? What does she have that I don't?
Touga stepped in. "My lady, I did not intend for this to happen."
"Intend?" Inukimi echoed, injecting her voice with as much derision as she could. "You have been asking me for centuries to be your mate, Touga. You intended to be mine, and now you come declaring that somehow, this creature just happened to become your mate in, what, a matter of months?" This was only the first time his men had reported him missing, but what if he had been stepping out to see this woman unawares? "Or has this fling been going on for longer?"
She suddenly recalled those horrible dreams from centuries ago of him laughing with another demoness—one she had later learned was Zero. She had her suspicions about that woman and her schemes, but this was something altogether different. This was real.
And that made it so much worse.
"It was instinct, my lady," Touga answered, his voice hardening. "I cannot ask you to understand, since you do not appear to have such an instinct."
His words cut a shallow slice across her heart, making it weep. You fool. If only you had come home sooner, I would have told you exactly what you wanted. Why didn't you come home? Why?!
But of course, she could not tell him now. She would never tell him. She had to keep what pride she had left intact.
"I ask you to consider Lady Izayoi's suggestion. I…wish to do right by you, Inukimi."
Do right by me? Then you shouldn't have mated her in the first place!
"You mean welcome her into these halls as your concubine? Your lover?" Inukimi sneered. "We are not pigs or humans to believe that one's loyalties can be so divided. Tell me, Touga, can you still bring yourself to share my bed, or would this all play out as some sort of theater to appease the court? Because I can tell you now, no one will believe any of it. I would only look more the fool than you have already made me."
"I never intended to insult you, Kimi," Touga said.
Her face soured when he finally deployed her nickname like a weapon, no doubt to try and soften her heart. "And yet you have. Do you recall what happens to those who insult me, Touga?" She didn't give him a chance to respond. "They get tossed off the walls of my palace." She tapped her cheek in thought. "Should I toss this human into the clouds then?"
The woman flinched, daring to look up from her bow. Inukimi met her gaze but kept her expression serene. Let her wonder if I will really do it. At least the smell of her fear is somewhat mollifying.
Touga's brows furrowed. "I will not let you lay one finger on her."
Inukimi's eyes widened in mild surprise. He thinks I would really do it. The realization hurt more than she thought it would. He presumed to know me all these years, and yet he thinks I would do something that would only engender his hate for me.
Inukimi settled back into her throne. "Then leave before I decide it's worth the effort."
Touga peered at her. "Leave?" Even Sesshoumaru glanced askance at his mother.
"Yes. If you wish to indulge in this love-affair, you will not do it within these walls. I assume the lady has a family. Go seek refuge with them, if you must. But you will not find a welcoming roof over her head here. Perhaps once you've grown bored of her, I'll allow you back."
Yes, she is only human. Their mating bond is incomplete. In a matter of years, she will die, and Touga will be mine once more. It is only a minor delay. There is no need to fret.
Touga set his lips into a grim line and helped the woman stand, before he led her back down the steps, swept her into his arms, and flew off.
"If you let them go, you may never see him again," Sesshoumaru said as he stared after them.
Inukimi stood up and turned back towards the palace. "If you wish to see him, I will not stop you, Sesshoumaru. He is your father, after all. But I refuse to chase after that scoundrel like an abandoned puppy. The day we meet again is the day he comes groveling back to me."
Inukimi had been called hard-hearted before, but it was only now that she truly felt that way, for despite her reassuring thoughts, her heart weighed like a stone in her chest as she glanced back over her shoulder and watched Touga disappear beneath the clouds.
AN: May your heart be as broken as mine was writing this last scene.