Hinata found the obituary. It was just old enough that it wasn't on the internet, but there weren't any details on how Itachi died, which was usually tasteful for those who died in unnatural ways. Illness was usually stated as a 'loss of a battle with' or included a donation to a charity that looked for a cure or researched better care.
She didn't know what she would find when she went looking, but she was hoping for more than this, but maybe she shouldn't have been looking in the first place.
Hinata collected her things and left the library. A rush of cold air and specks of snow was on the other side of the double door, making her huff out a visible breath. One day it would be warm again, but it always felt further and further away.
Winter used to be something Hinata looked forward to. The chill would mean hot chocolate and warm baked treats. Blankets, sweaters, and glittering snow and lights. Now it felt… dead, cold, empty, waiting for spring to bring life back into the trees.
Maybe it was because Hinata moved deeper into the city. Growing up, she spent many winters at the family shrines, and now even sitting still for hours while an elder recited scripture in a dialect she never quite understood felt like a warm memory because after Hanabi would try to sneak them pastries from the kitchen, and they would sit in their formal robes and giggling and trying not to get crumbs on themselves.
It was a painful memory, but it warmed the edges of her face as she walked home.
Itachi trailed behind Hinata as cars rushed past them on the bridge. Hinata readjusted her bag, he assumed that she was going to get groceries when they left, but they had gone so far out the direction of her normal grocery store that he wasn't sure where they were going. He could ask, but he would find out when they got there, so it didn't seem important.
Hinata gazed out at the water idly. It was a concerningly dull look to have going over a bridge. Itachi wondered what happened in her head when she stared off like that. He shouldn't let her stay in there. He took a few strides to catch up with her pace and step into her view. Her glazed-over eyes blink up at him curiously. Itachi lowered his head, making her eyes close as he kissed her.
Hinata ignored the highway full of speeding cars and the bike on the opposite side of the bridge. She was becoming less and less concerned with how talking to him and interacting with him in the middle of the street made her look. Most humans were so interested in their own lives that they were rarely paying attention to what everyone else was doing.
Itachi pulled back, and a small bashful smile spread across her face to reward him, but the light around her eyes as whatever was going through her head washed away was he was after. Hinata's smile widened as Itachi didn't explain. "Did you get bored?"
"I don't think I can," Itachi took her hand.
Hinata pulled their hands into her jacket pocket to keep him moving across the bridge. "Oh, you're unsure now?" Itachi tilted his head. "You used to be so definitive, even when you were wrong."
"I was sure. I'm not sure if I can be bored." Itachi explained. "It's a very human feeling to want the passage of time to go faster."
Hinata leaned closer even though he could offer her no warmth. "You never want time to go faster?"
"Each moment of time will never happen again. I will experience it. It will pass. I will remember it as I am now. I will look back on it differently with new context or new experiences, but I will have nothing to remember if it were being skipped over." Itachi answered.
Hinata's head tilted at him, blinking at him strangely before she let out a light laugh. "I sometimes forget that you really are alien."
"I guess my definition," Itachi admitted.
Hinata giggling continued.
The obituary gave Hinata one piece of information she didn't have before, Dr. Itachi Uchiha. Which meant he had to be employed somewhere. Though his dying just before the internet was popular meant that it wouldn't be easily searchable, or at least she thought. When she looked up a Dr. Uchiha, she found several.
Hinata felt a little dumb telling Itachi about the Uchiha and Hyuga family revelry and not making the connection that Uchiha owned more than half the hospitals and clinics in the city. It was possible one of the many Dr. Uchiha was his parents. It was information she wasn't sure what to do with. Would he want to know? He didn't seem to mind her looking. He noticed, but he didn't say anything about it.
Maybe Itachi was waiting for her to find something, but if it was painful, would he want to remember?
Hinata felt a cold had brushed her hair back over her should to deliberately tell her that he was back. Itachi's weight sank into the couch beside her. "You're not going to find something you like at the end of this."
Hinata put her phone down on its face. "Sorry."
Itachi's arm lay flat on the other side of her hip, a gentle reminder that she could lean on him, but should she? "You're hurting yourself finding answers to something I found painful enough to ask to forget."
Maybe she should stop looking. If she did find a living family, it wasn't like she could tell him about him. "Do you want me to stop?"
"Humans are curious. I understand why you are looking." That didn't really answer her question. It was possible he didn't really know the answer right now. He didn't know what she would find, so he didn't know if it was something he didn't want her to know. "But I am not sure if you will want me around if you find what you are looking for."
Hinata turned her head to look at him fully. "Do you think you did something horrible?"
"I don't know what I had erased. I don't know how I died. Kisame only told me that I found it painful." Itachi probably didn't even consider asking Kisame what it was he erased. "If I made the decision to clear it all, it must have been something I found horrible enough to forget."
"Painful for you doesn't mean something you did wrong. Watching your family mourn you could be painful enough on its own, especially a little brother." Hinata reasoned.
"Or it was guilt. I didn't want to live with what I did wrong." Itachi hand curled into her sweater at her hip waist, hinting about his true concerns.
Hinata leaned back into him, turning her face into his collarbone. The smell of ash lingered on his clothes even though his coat was once again gone. "Even if I did find something you did that was horrible, would it matter?" Itachi tilted his head curiously. "If you did do something horrible while you were alive, something unforgivable, how can I hold against you if you don't even remember it?"
"I chose to forget." Itachi reiterated.
"If who you are now wouldn't do the same, does it matter?" Hinata asked.
Itachi eyes flickered away to think about it. His emotions were very subtle. They were getting easier to see the more time she spent with him. Did he even know he was experiencing these emotions? He spoke like it didn't inform his decisions, and sometimes he was so practical it didn't seem like it did, but then why would he kiss her? Why would he try to pull comfort from her? Why would he lay next to her while she slept when he didn't need sleep? If he wasn't embarrassed or worried about what she might think, why did he disappear like he wasn't there so many mornings?
Itachi was worried about what she might do if she found something she couldn't live with, but he was being practical in telling her that it was possible that he did something deplorable. Human emotion, reaper logic.
Humans always thought they were forgiving until they were confronted with reality. They thought they were charitable until they were presented with the opportunity. They thought they could handle the world until it crumbled in on them.
Hinata's cheek warmed his collarbone. His skin held on to the heat that came off of her retaining more of it the longer she rested there. One day, he wouldn't feel the warmth anymore, whether it was because she told him she didn't want him to come back or because she had become cold too.
But while he enjoyed her warmth, it came with the consequence of knowing he was making her cold, not just her skin but her life. By staying on the edge of her life, he was keeping her from living with people who would fill those places. By being selfish and keeping her affection to himself, he was going to keep her from finding a person to grow old with, someone to *live* with her, something he couldn't do.
Was he this selfish in his life? Was that what he thought was so painful he couldn't look back? He wasn't sure he wanted to know because he wanted to be selfish now. Itachi circled his arms around her more completely. Hinata responded by settling herself closer and sighing. "I'll stop looking," She promised. "Then we never have to know."
Itachi wasn't so sure. Fate had an awful way of showing you what you hid from.