AN: I'm getting the distinct impression that people are a liiiiittle pissed at Grissom right now! I even got a couple comments that he should just go away and leave Sara alone, but, well, this is a GSR fic… I don't blame you, but I hope the further explanation of the whole situation in this chapter will at least soften you up a little towards him and that you'll enjoy the rest of the story without holding too much of a grudge!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything relating to CSI
Chapter 4
Sara holds Hank back by the collar as she opens the door, revealing Grissom with a paper bag in one hand. He looks a little hesitant at first, but smiles when he spots Hank. "Hey, buddy." He extends his free hand, letting the dog sniff it and then scratches him behind the ears.
"Come on in," she says awkwardly, stepping aside. "What's in the bag?"
"I wasn't sure if you'd had breakfast yet, and I need to eat anyway, so…" He shrugs and she resists the urge to roll her eyes.
"I haven't," she tells him, closing the door and leading the way down the stairs.
"Good. Not good that you haven't eaten, I just meant…" He cuts himself off and sighs, putting the bag with food down on the kitchen island. Again, they're on either side of it, plenty of space between them. He offers a half-smile. "I hate this."
Sara shrugs, not willing to make things easier for him just yet. "Yeah."
He studies her intently for a long moment, and she refuses to look away. She's not sure what he's searching for, but eventually, he breaks eye contact to open the bag and start extracting the food. To her surprise, it's not in Styrofoam containers but Tupperware.
"I hope you still like scrambled eggs," he notes, opening one of the containers to reveal the steaming dish. Another one contains a stack of pancakes. "I didn't bring any toast, I figured you probably had bread…"
"You… cooked?" she asks incredulously. "I figured you just picked up food on the way."
"No, I made too much breakfast and figured I'd bring it," Grissom replies with a shrug, but it's too casual. "Besides, there aren't really any places to pick up food around here."
"You haven't figured out how much food to make for breakfast yet?" She doesn't mention the fact that he must have made the food before even calling her.
"Maybe I thought a peace offering couldn't hurt."
"That's more believable." She flashes a quick smile before going to get plates for them. "Do you want toast? Because I'm fine with just this."
"No, it's fine. But maybe coffee, if you don't mind?"
"Sure." She puts two plates down on the island before turning to the coffee maker and getting it prepped. "You want juice for now?"
"Yeah, that would be good."
Sara starts the coffee before opening the fridge to find juice, plus syrup and strawberry preserve for the pancakes. When she turns back to the island, he's divided the food between their plates and gotten cutlery and glasses, so she just pours them both some juice before sitting down. Hank's nose pops up over the edge of the counter, sniffing around for the delicious scent, no doubt.
"Hank, bed," she orders, and Grissom chuckles a little when the dog makes no move to follow her order.
"He always did love pancakes," he notes, patting Hank on the head. "Go on, buddy. Bed."
Hank still hesitates, but then he lopes off dejectedly.
"Figures he'd listen to you," she half-grumbles, but she can't help but smile at their interaction.
"He was just hoping for some scraps," Grissom reasons, and they both lapse into silence.
She gives him a few minutes, but when the coffee maker finishes and she goes to pour him a cup, she figures they might as well get on with it.
"You said you wanted to talk," she points out, putting down the coffee in front of him. "So talk."
He sighs and takes a long drink of the coffee. "I honestly don't know where to begin," he admits.
She could wait him out, not help him, but… he looks so lost.
"Who's Sam's mother?"
"Her name was Andrea; she was a lawyer I worked a few cases with back the summer before you…" He pauses, frowning slightly, and she figures he's trying to decide what to say. "After I met you in San Francisco, I went back to Vegas and… I thought everything would just go back to normal. I guess I was fooling myself right from the start.
"Somehow, in those few days, you had wormed your way into my head, my life… my heart. But you were hundreds of miles away, building a life for yourself, and I just… I told myself I couldn't interrupt that. So, I decided to try dating. I had pretty much given up on the whole thing years before, but I was hoping it would help me… get over you, I guess. Most dates never turned into more than a single evening, but Andrea… she was sharp, she wasn't disgusted by my job, like most women, and she didn't throw a fit when I had to cancel last minute because of work. Actually, she canceled on me more than once when she had to focus on a case. Looking back, I know I wasn't in love with her, and she probably wasn't in love with me either, but we were compatible on most levels, and we had fun together for a couple of months. Then she was offered a job in Boston – she was from there originally – that she decided to take, and we parted as friends.
"I can honestly say that I didn't think about her much after she left. I went back to my old routine – work, work, and some more work. Drinks or dinner or breakfast when Jim or Catherine got fed up and dragged me along. And then…" He smiles at her, a smile that doesn't reach his eyes, which still has a sadness in them that makes her want to reach out. She doesn't, though, but the urge is getting stronger. "Then, you were here. And honestly, if Andrea hadn't moved away when she did, it wouldn't have survived more than a few days after you got here. She would have known, the first time she saw us together. The first time I mentioned you, probably."
There's a lot to pick apart in his words, but Sara's not going to relive the early days of their non-relationship – they worked through and moved past that years ago.
"Why didn't she tell you she was pregnant?" she asks instead, which seems like the important question for the conversation at hand.
He shrugs. "I don't know. She certainly knew how to get a hold of me, and I know she never reached out. The only thing I can think of is that we did have a conversation at some point about family and children, and I told her it wasn't something I saw in my own future, so it might just have been that she figured I wouldn't want to be involved. At the time, she said she wasn't sure if she wanted kids, but maybe she decided she did when she realized she was pregnant and figured it would be easier to do it on her own than with a reluctant co-parent."
It makes sense, of course, but… "You didn't ask her when you saw her again?"
To her surprise, Grissom looks away and takes a deep breath. "I never did. I found out about Sam when Andrea's brother called to tell me she had been in a car accident and was in a coma, and that I had a daughter I'd never known about who needed a parent. And just a few miles away, too, they were living in Springfield, about an hour from Williamstown. At first, it was temporary – the doctors weren't sure that she would wake up, of course, but they were hopeful."
It's not at all what she was expecting, though she has no idea what she was expecting, if she's honest – a movie-like casual meeting, a few misunderstandings, a scheming little girl trying to get her estranged parents back together, maybe? His words make her think that Andrea never woke up from the coma, though, even if he hasn't come out and said it yet, and it takes her a moment to wrap her mind around this new situation.
"Hence the extended sabbatical," Sara finally says, and he nods.
"Exactly. I had to tell the dean what was going on, of course, so I would be available during the day if something happened at Sam's kindergarten, and he offered me a position for the rest of the semester, if I needed it. I accepted and moved into Andrea's place, to avoid uprooting Sam in the middle of the year." He pauses, lets out a deep sigh. "Then, a few months later, Andrea stroked out. The doctors had no idea why, but it happens with coma patients, apparently."
She was expecting it, but it's still a lot to take in. "I'm sorry, that must have been hard."
"It was. And… I know I should have told you. I know I handled everything in about the worst way possible, I just…" Grissom looks up at her, eyes searching hers for… understanding, maybe? She has no idea if he finds it, but a sad smile spreads on his face before he continues. "I was going to tell you, remember when I called you when you were at a scene with Nick?"
Of course she does – it was the last time they talked before everything fell apart.
"Yeah."
"I was going to tell you. And then… I didn't. And after that, it just got harder, because what if you asked how long I had known? So, then I decided I would just tell you when I got back, after Andrea woke up and could take care of Sam again, but…"
He trails off and Sara takes over. "She never did."
"No. And then I had a grieving six-year-old who didn't know me, didn't trust me, and didn't want to live with me. Andrea left everything to Sam, which meant I had to take care of her estate, sell her apartment, move out of the faculty accommodations Williams put me up in, find a place for me and Sam to live, get her enrolled in school for first grade… I know it's not an excuse in any way, but it took months for us to get to where we are now, I was just… trying to keep my head above water for a long time."
"I can understand that," she says reluctantly, because she can. Could he have handled it better? Definitely. But she can't even imagine being in his position.
"Really?" Grissom looks almost shocked.
"Really," she repeats. "That doesn't mean I forgive you, though."
He slumps in his seat even as he nods. "I get that, I… wasn't really expecting you to, honestly, but I just… I know I owe you more than this, but I figured it was a start, at least."
"A start of what, exactly?" she has to ask. Where does he want this to go? Where does she want this to go?
It was easy, hating him for abandoning her. Even if she knew she never really hated him, not deep down. She loves him too much to ever hate him. But now… he still left, he still broke her heart, but… now, she understands. Or as much as she can. And it doesn't take away any of the pain, but it makes it a little easier to see past it.
"I don't know. I… I miss you," he admits, voice quiet. "Every day. If you never want to see me again, I understand. Just say the word and I'll leave, I'll tell Conrad I won't be able to consult on cases after all, and I'll… I'll stay away."
"No." The word is out of her mouth before she can even think about it, but… she doesn't want that. She's not sure what she does want, going forward, but she knows what her life is like without him, and she doesn't want to go back to that. Even if it'll probably be awkward for a while still. "No, I don't want that."
"Then maybe we could try to be… friends again?" he says hesitantly.
Friends… can she do that? Sara has no idea.
"Can we just… play it by ear?" she asks. "I know I don't want you to disappear again, but I can't…"
"Of course," he cuts her off. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot, really, I just… I hate how awkward things have been between us since I got back, and I… I know it's my fault, and I know I can't just snap my fingers to make things better, but I… I had to try."
She sighs. "I know, and I don't like it either, but… like I said, let's see how things play out, OK? I can't make any promises, but I want to try."
"That's all I can ask for… probably more than I deserve," Grissom says with another sad smile. "But please, let me know if there's anything I can do to make it easier for you."
"I will." She considers, but she feels compelled to ask. "I'm not trying to be insensitive or anything, but… did you get a paternity test?"
"Of course," he replies immediately, not sounding offended at all. "I questioned Brian – Andrea's brother – the first time we got together, before I even met Sam. I wasn't going to just take his word for it. Andrea put my name on the birth certificate, and I was listed as Sam's guardian in her will in case something happened to her, but that doesn't mean anything, you know? He agreed to get a DNA sample from Sammie without her realizing what was going on, since we didn't want to upset her even more. I called in a favor from a friend at the Boston crime lab, so we got the results quickly."
"OK, good. I just wanted to… make sure."
He smiles at her then, a real smile this time. "Thank you. For looking out for me, even now."
"Yeah, well…" Sara shrugs, not sure what to say.
He seems to pick up on the slight awkwardness, because he clears his throat. "I should get going, you need sleep."
She glances at the clock – a little after ten. It's true that she usually goes to bed around now, but she doesn't have to. He said he doesn't have class until noon, they could talk some more.
But it has been a lot to take in, and her brain feels a little like it's about to leak out of her ears. She needs a few hours – and some sleep – to work through this. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea," she agrees. "You said Catherine wanted you to come in tonight? I didn't know we had a case with bugs."
"Yeah, Greg got called out on it just before shift ended, apparently," Grissom explains, getting to his feet.
"Right, he texted me to complain he was pulling a double," she remembers – she had forgotten when Grissom called.
"Yeah, Cath said he was going to process the scene and do all the collection, and then I'm taking over tonight to work up the timeline, so he can take a break."
"Probably for the best," she muses out loud, making him frown.
"I haven't talked to him much, but I did get the feeling he wasn't very… happy with me," he says slowly.
Sara can't help but snort. "Yeah, you might want to stay out of his way if it's at all possible," she advices, letting out a sigh. "He knows we were…"
"Oh."
"I didn't tell him," she hurries to continue. "I was… having a hard time, after we found out you weren't coming back. Obviously. Eventually, Greg confronted me. Told me he'd suspected for a while, and asked what happened. Only I couldn't tell him, because I had no idea. He's been… a good friend, when I needed one. But yeah, he's not just going to forgive you."
"Well, I'm planning on apologizing and making amends until he does," Grissom replies with a shrug, and she has a feeling he's probably not talking about just Greg. "Catherine gave me a piece of her mind as soon as I saw her and then told me that we were good but if I ever disappear on her again, I'm on my own. Jim's been avoiding me, I left a message yesterday, asking if he wanted to grab a drink, but I haven't heard anything yet. Should I be worried about Warrick or Nick? They've both been… more or less normal, so far, maybe a little reserved, which I completely understand, but…"
"I mean, you hurt all of us, when you left the way you did," Sara tells him truthfully. "Not just me. But I think they both would have let you know if they were holding any grudges, so you're probably good." She hesitates. "And Brass… I'm pretty sure he knows, even if he hasn't come out and said anything to me. So, you might need to do some explaining there as well."
"He does know," Grissom confirms, surprising her. "He saw us… somewhere, I can't remember. He confronted me, too, gave me a kind of… big brother talk, I guess. I, uh… I sent him an email after I decided to stay in Williamstown, asking him to look out for you. I won't repeat the voice mail he left me after that, but I think you can imagine."
She considers the admission. "Well, that explains a few things," she says, the last word interrupted by a huge yawn.
"I'm sorry, I was leaving," he hurries to say. "I'll get out of your hair."
"OK, yeah." Sara walks him to the door, and he lingers outside for a moment.
"I'll see you tonight?" he asks, a little uncertainly, as if he's afraid she might start avoiding him even more now.
"Yeah, see you tonight," she confirms. "I'll… I'll tell Catherine that I can take over Greg's case, if she needs me to. I don't have anything open at the moment."
The smile on Grissom's face does funny things to her heart that she doesn't want to examine too closely right now.
"I'd like that," he replies. "I've missed working with you."
She shrugs. "Me too."
Sara's not sure what to expect when she goes into work later that day, from Grissom or herself, if she's honest. She wants their talk to have made things better between them, and she thinks it has, but she just won't be sure until she actually sees him again.
So, she's relieved when he joins her and Nick in the break room a few minutes before shift starts, and she's genuinely glad to see him, without any anxiety. It doesn't mean everything is magically OK, of course, and it will still take some time before she can forgive him completely. But hopefully, it means that they can move forward from here and not linger on the past too much.
She doesn't let herself go too far down that road, though. They need to focus on the present.
"Hey." It's the first time she's addressed him directly, which Nick of course picks up on, judging by his curious side-glance.
"Hi," Grissom replies with a smile, putting down a travel carrier with six large paper cups of coffee and a box from Public Works on the table. "I brought coffee."
"Resorting to bribery, Gil?" Catherine asks from the doorway, and he rolls his eyes at her.
"Just trying to be nice. But if you don't want yours, I'm sure Archie won't say no to free coffee."
"No, no, I want it." She hurries to grab a coffee. "Just… giving you a hard time. What's in the box?"
"Muffins," he replies, opening the lid. Before Sara even has a chance to inspect the contents, he lifts a chocolate hazelnut out and holds it out for her.
"Thanks." She accepts it with a smile, ignoring the brush of his fingers against hers.
"You're welcome." He grabs a walnut for himself before pushing the box towards the edge of the table. "Help yourselves."
"Ooh, food," Warrick exclaims as he and Riley enter the room.
Catherine selects a muffin for herself before taking a seat, and the latest arrivals squabble a little over the two remaining ones – a blueberry and a chocolate chip. When the argument has been resolved and everyone is nursing their coffee and muffin, Catherine clears her throat.
"OK, Nick, Warrick – you're still working on the double from yesterday?"
Warrick confirms with a nod. "Yeah, we've got a potential witness coming in for questioning, and hopefully we'll have DNA results soon so we can get a warrant out for the ex-boyfriend."
"It could still be the gardener," Nick objects, and Sara elbows him in the side before they can get going on their argument from the previous shift.
"Prove it either way," Catherine tells them as they trail out of the room. "Riley, convenience store robbery on Tropicana, uniform on site, you good to go alone?"
"Hell yeah," Riley replies immediately, snapping the assignment slip out of Catherine's hand on her way out the door.
"OK, that leaves Greg's case, which Gil's helping out with, and a 419 on the UNLV campus." Catherine looks from Grissom to Sara. "Do I need to ask which one you want?"
"I don't mind taking over Greg's case," Sara tells her, biting back a smile at the obvious surprise. "Unless you want it."
"No, no," Catherine hurries to assure her. "I'll take the DB, no problem. Just… make sure the lab's still standing when I get back, OK?"
Grissom snorts. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."
She doesn't bother responding, just gives Sara a final, questioning look. Sara offers a smile in return, hoping it conveys that she really is OK with the situation. Apparently, it's enough to appease Catherine, and she disappears down the corridor.
"I didn't realize we needed to pass some sort of test to be allowed to work together," Grissom notes dryly when she's gone and Sara chuckles.
"Yeah, I guess they're all being a little… overprotective."
The smile immediately slides off his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"Stop," she interrupts him. "I think you've done enough apologizing for one day, don't you?"
He shrugs. "I told you I wasn't going to stop until…"
"Until Greg forgave you?"
"I think we both know I wasn't just talking about Greg."
Their eyes meet across the table for a long moment, and Sara feels her heart rate start picking up. She clears her throat and downs the last of her coffee.
"Time to get to work."