HAYMITCH
After Katniss lost her calmness trying to make the new propo, I took this as an opportunity and brought up the idea of doing a rescue. Katniss wasn't going to be able to continue her task of being the mockingjay knowing that every move she make it would have a direct impact on Peeta's well-being, and if we add to that that Finnick's mental state was hanging by a thread, it was imperative to get them out of the Capitol. Plutarch immediately agreed with me and it didn't take us long to convince Coin, although she made it a condition that only those who wanted to volunteer would go on the mission, she didn't want to force any of her people to participate in a suicide expedition. Boggs was the first to offer to lead the job, of course I volunteered but he shamelessly ignored me. At my insistence he gave me a lame excuse that I had to make sure that Katniss was okay. I wasn't blind, I knew I didn't have the physical abilities or battle skills necessary for the mission, but it made me crazy to stay behind without helping.
So I decided to at least be useful by accompanying Katniss. I sat next to her bed in the hospital, even though she was sedated her rest was uneasy. She looked so young and vulnerable lying on that bed. I couldn't help but feel guilty. Much of her suffering was my fault, she was still a child with a huge responsibility on her shoulders. I wished I had been a better mentor to both her and Peeta, but I had only made mistake after mistake. A few hours later and a failed attempt to cheer Katniss up, to my regret I had to confess that the rescue mission was taking place right now and the icing on the cake was that her best friend was part of the rescue team. I hated being the bearer of bad news but I owed her complete honesty from now on.
Right now, I just wanted to hang Plutarch. I had enough reasons to do so. This was crossing the line, but he seemed oblivious to Finnick's suffering. Of course he was used to using people at his convenience. The camera crew was preparing Finnick to record him when I saw out of the corner of my eye Leila appearing with a tray of drinks on it. I wanted to hit myself on the head, I had completely forgotten about the girl and the problem of the room. She handed the drinks to Cressida and her team and came over to my side, still holding the tray.
-Ah Leila, it's a pleasure to see you much better - Plutarch welcomed her cheerfully, although he immediately fell silent at the hateful look that Leila gave him. I laughed to myself
-Are you filming another propo?- Leila asked me.
-No, it's obvious we're at a tea party- Katniss replied sarcastically. Leila didn't answer her.
-Katniss,-I said in a warning tone. Our attention was caught as soon as the cameras started rolling and Finnick began to tell his harrowing experience in the Capitol. I noticed how Leila turned pale and uncomfortable at what Finnick was saying and I saw her turn to leave but Katniss didn't let her go without throwing one last scathing comment at her.
-Apparently your beloved Snow did not treat all his star tributes very well, it must be quite revealing for you to realize what kind of friends you had.- After these words Leila left the room quickly.
-You didn't have to say those things to Leila, Katniss-I scolded her.
-Have you ever thought, that instead of her being here, Peeta should be here?- she said angrily, I knew she was looking to get some of her pent-up frustration out. I did not answer the question, although the answer was yes. During my hospital stay I kept thinking about it, but I knew it was just my own guilt trying to hide behind someone else. Leila wasn't to blame for what happened to Peeta, she was a victim of the Capitol too.
Once Finnick's story was finished and it was broadcast at the Capitol, there was nothing left to wait for. The boys were taken out of the command room, there was nothing for them to do anymore, I stayed for another hour but then I decided to leave the room, I couldn't concentrate on anything that was being said there. I knew that as soon as Plutarch heard from the rescue team he would inform me immediately. I went straight to my room, I was sure that Leila would be there. As soon as I opened the door she jumped when she saw me and I snickered. It was ironic that she would freak out seeing me walk into my own room. She started to stammer, apologizing.
-I didn't know if you could finally talk to... .- she was silent before saying his name- I hope you don't mind that I'm here.
-No, it's fine, I forgot to talk to him anyway so they could assign you a room- I said without apologizing.
-It's okay, I understand, you must be very worried. Everybody was commenting that there would be a rescue mission today.
-Yes, the rumors are true.
- you must be happy right? you will be able to see Peeta soon
-we do not know yet. Maybe everyone is dead right now
-Don't be negative, you know, hope is the last thing we should lose-she said trying to sound funny but she couldn't help the bitterness in her voice. I sat next to her on the bed and we were silent for a moment. I was fiddling with the communicuff, praying for them to send me a message. Leila just gave me side glances without saying anything. I decided to break the silence to distract myself again. So, trying to appear as disinterested as possible, I asked her the question that had intrigued me for a long time.
-Leila, what was your true relationship with Maggs?- I turned to look at her and saw her mood changed and tears started to fill her eyes
-I don't know- she replied, holding back the tears. I looked at her confused.
- she must have been very important to you, you were very affected by her death
-I never imagined that she would return to the games-she whispered
-well it was kind of obvious when Annie was reaped. She was not going to allow her to return to the arena after all that she went through - I whispered.
-I know but - she said in a choked voice- I didn't want her to suffer or was very unfair- Leila began to cry
-It wasn't your fault, Leila- I tried to calm her down. Yes, Maggs' death was one of the most unfair deaths in the games
- She was the only one who knew everything that was happening. She was the only person I could talk to, although always hidden from Snow and his people.- she said between sobs
- Were you forbidden to talk to the other winners? - she nodded. - But Why?- I asked, dismayed. It didn't make sense for Snow to forbid something like that, unless he suspected that Leila was a danger, and I was more than sure that she never was.
-It doesn't matter anymore, Haymitch-she said, shrugging. I decided to divert the conversation a bit, I knew I wouldn't get anything from the girl if Snow was involved in the matter.
- How did you meet Maggs?
- on my victory tour. She was the only victor who was allowed to attend the celebration dinner. She was so sweet to me, she always was, like a... mother- she said in a whisper.
- And what was the reason for all that theater of threatening her in the training sessions?
-You don't understand, Haymitch- she said desperately - everyone who got close to me ended up dead or worse. I did not want to have more deaths on my conscience. Maggs understood, she knew that this could have consequences for her loved ones-I stared at her. How horrible it must have been for Leila to be an outcast for so many years without deserving it.
-It wasn't your fault- I repeated but she didn't seem to hear me, she just stared at her lap crying silently. I hadn't imagined that this would be the course of our conversation and I felt guilty that I had put her in this state. I just stayed silent by her side until she stopped crying. - Maybe I should let you sleep, I'm going to go to the command room, in case there is any news about the mission. - I apologized to her, because I wanted to leave without her thinking it was because of her. Leila just nodded without saying anything else and I left the room.
Hours later the team arrived. Peeta, Johanna, and Annie were safe and finally with us. What seemed at first the greatest miracle turned into a nightmare. In all this time Peeta had not only been physically tortured but they had also used a kind of torture where they turned his memories of Katniss into his biggest nightmare. The boy believed that she was a mutt and in their first meeting he almost killed her. Beetee had called it hijacking, to me it was just another reason to kill Snow. I felt sorry for Katniss, she was living through hell with this. The poor girl was not only physically bruised but emotionally as well. The only guarantee I could give her was that I would do my best to help the boy get better but I had to be honest with her, I doubted we would ever have the same Peeta as before. The innocent, charismatic and kind-hearted Peeta, Snow had murdered him in the cruelest way and for that he would pay.
I felt exhausted, I hadn't been able to sleep well for I don't know how many days. If only I had a bottle, I could anesthetize all my memories and have some peace but I knew I didn't deserve any peace, it was my fault that Peeta was capture and torture, I abandoned him.
When I entered my room, I saw Leila's attentive gaze on me. Shit!. Again I had forgotten about her, this would be the third night that she would be in my room. I sighed from exhaustion and threw myself on the bed without caring about anything.
-Are you alright?- Leila asked.
-Not now Leila, I just want to rest - I said tired
- Do you want me to go so you can rest better?
- Do wherever you want- I said irritated. Although I immediately regretted it, I knew that she had nowhere to go, her options were either to sleep on the floor of some lonely corridor or to go to the room that her father shared with her brother. - no, stay, just don't bother me. Okay? -She nodded and remained silent but I felt her gaze on me. I tried to ignore her and sleep but I couldn't do either one or the other, so I sat on my bed facing her. Leila imitated my position and she sat on her bed too, facing me. With a resigned sigh I decided to speak.
-The rescue was relatively successful. Peeta, Johanna and Annie are here- I said in a flat voice.
-but?
-But they were tortured. It was obvious that they were going to do it - I said angrily and shut up. Leila got up from her bed and, hesitating a little, she came over and sat next to me.
-There's more, isn't there?- she murmured, I nodded and it took me a few minutes to respond.
-Peeta is no longer Peeta. They changed his memories of Katniss
-hijacking- she murmured in a whisper Leila interrupting me
-Yes, how do you know about that? - I asked her, she just looked away without answering. - If you know something you must say it Leila.
-I don't know anything, Haymitch. - she said pleadingly and began to get up from the bed, but I stopped her by taking her arm.
- This is important, Leila.
-I know.I know how important they are to you- she whispered
-so? - I said impatiently
-I don't know anything that can help you
-you lie. I know when you lie, Leila. - I said abruptly and released her.
-Don't be mad at me- she asked me pleadingly. I got up out of bed burning with rage and yelled at her
- Your cowardice shits me!. We are talking about someone else's life, someone innocent. You said you didn't enjoy killing people but here you are keeping valuable information - I let all my pent-up frustration out with it for days. Leila's gaze on me began to well with tears and I felt like a complete asshole. I took a long breath to control myself and went back to sit next to her.- Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you- I mumbled. We stayed in silence for a moment.
-A few years ago during the games, I think 5, I don't remember exactly - she began to say, rubbing her forehead- one of my guards was... bothering me, and that angered one of the employees who worked on my floor in the capitol, he interceded for me and confronted the peacekeeper. I don't know why he did it-she paused and tears began to roll down her cheeks. Guessing Leila's next move, I took both of her hands, so she wouldn't hurt herself, and with my thumb I began to caress them.- This incident reached Snow's ears and he decided to punish him. He handed him over to Iliadius Cane, head of the Capitol's scientific and experimental area. I couldn't help him, I tried, I swear Haymitch- she sobbed- Cane, he's always been interested in mental conditioning, and at that time he was experimenting with different methods of torture, it was horrible what they did to that poor man and because of me... I told you before, everyone who gets close to me ends up dead or worse- she whimpered crying
-Leila, that last thing isn't true, it wasn't your fault- I tried to comfort her but she ignored me and continued crying- Leila, were you present when that happened? -she nodded, still crying- did they use the same method as with Peeta?
-I think so, Cane called it hijacking. I was only in the first session, I think I heard him say that for it to work he would have to repeat it several times for it to be successful, depending on how strong the will of the person was. But I don't know how someone can bear that, it's not just the venom they use, they torture all your senses. you have no idea how horrible he was and the monstrous ideas he had- she finished speaking still sobbing. I just felt a chill run down my spine, Peeta, most likely, had been in that guy's hands. But something caught my attention from what Leila said, for it to work completely they had to first completely break the will of the person and two, this took time. Maybe all was not lost, they still had Peeta in that torture center when we rescued him, that meant they were still conditioning him.
-I'm sorry Leila, I didn't want to force you to remember something so horrible- I told her sincerely
-That's all I know- she answered me in a whisper. I felt so sorry for the girl that i don't know what impulse led me to pull her towards me and hug her to comfort her.
-I know. It wasn't fair for me to take it out on you. Peeta tried to kill Katniss by strangling her, now she's in the hospital- I confessed. Leila raised her head from my chest and looked at me with pity.
-This is so horrible, Haymitch. Katniss' okay?- she wondered doubtfully
-Physically she will recover. Emotionally this has been a kick in the balls for everyone
-What is going to happen to Peeta?
-A medical team is studying the situation to determine the best course of action. The problem is that they don't have the necessary information to help him- We fell silent once more, sitting next to each other. What could I do for Peeta? I was not a doctor or a psychiatrist, I had no idea what kind of terrain we were walking on and it frustrated me. On the other hand, I had to solve the matter of Leila. I couldn't keep forcing her to stay in my room.
-Is there something I can do to help you?-he said softly
-Yes, don't let me forget to ask for a room for you
-Don't worry Haymitch. You have enough worries in your head to be thinking about trifles. I will take care of requesting my room
-Do you really want to go talk to Plutarch?- I said sardonically.
-No,-she sighed pouting.
-I already told you, you can stay until you have your own room, anyway I doubt that our sleeping hours coincide, so we don't bother each other.
-Okay
-although now that I think about it, I have one condition
-Which one?-she asked, frowning.
-Don't mess with my things-I warned her, she exaggeratedly sighed looking at the ceiling.
-I accept but only if you don't leave everything lying everywhere.
-why do you like to see absolutely everything perfectly organized? - I asked irritated
-just because! It relaxes me to see that everything is in its place, this is not a pigsty- she answered me in the same irritated tone, I snorted and that was the end of the conversation. She got up from my bed and went to hers.
The next few days flew by. Peeta's doctors decided to try to revive her childhood memories while being careful that nothing directly or indirectly involved Katniss. For her part, Katniss asked to be sent to District 2, seeing Peeta in this state was unbearable for her and she wanted to be as far away as possible. I couldn't judge her, this was taking its toll on all of us, although what Leila told me gave me a moment of hope as the venom left Peeta's body and returned to his "normal" I was convinced that he would never come back to be himself. Then there was also Leila. Indeed I got her a room but nevertheless she did not leave mine and although I did not want to admit it I was relieved. She was like a breath of fresh air in all this chaos. When I needed to talk the most, she just listened to me, without judging or pressing, I could pour my mind out to her and when I just wanted to give my mind a break, she used to talk about her day. It was evident how much pleasure Leila was finding in the kitchens of 13, she was always talking to me about recipes and vegetables and I don't know what else, it was fun to see the sparkle of emotion in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. At least someone was making something positive out of the circumstances.
One day after the rescue, Plutarch showed me the great library that 13 had, perhaps as an attempt to distract me or give me a real job, I still couldn't decide which reason was more plausible. In it were books collected over hundreds of years, of which I had never seen or heard of. Of course this library contains material that is prohibited in the Capitol, so I decided to lose myself among the hundreds of books, looking for something that I could use to help Peeta. Perhaps my search was useless, the team in charge of the boy knew every book that was here but I dreamed of finding something that they had overlooked. In my hands I had two copies, one in psychiatry and the other, a medical compilation of torture and mental conditioning that was used 150 years ago. I sighed. This was the only appropriate thing I had found for today. Tomorrow I will continue my search as I've been doing every day for more than a week. As I was leaving the library, a section of the library caught my attention. I approached it and began to explore. I took one of the books with a bright pink cover and read the description. A romantic novel. I laughed to myself, I knew a redhead who would be delighted to read this kind of nonsense, so I decided to take it with me too. I ignored the quizzical look the librarian gave me as she went through my books and saw my choice. I went to my room to read in peace, when I entered Leila had not yet arrived, although she would not be long, she always arrived around 8 at night and left every morning at 6. Leila suddenly entered the room, startling me, and with a smile from ear to ear, she sat next to me.
-Guess what, Sae told me that she would soon plead for me to let me take care of at least one meal a day. Isn't it amazing? - Leila said, almost jumping with emotion. This was my sign to mess with her.
-oh no- I groaned
-What's happening ? do you feel bad?- she asked worried
- Yes, the mere idea of knowing that I have to eat your concoctions gives me a stomach ache. The food is bad enough here to punish us like this.- The indignation took over her features, she got up from my bed and went to hers and I held back my laughter.
-How annoying you are! I'll see you begging me to try my "concoctions"
-Oh darling, you are dreaming a lot. I don't think I've ever begged for anything in my life- I said, laughing.
-I don't know what you're complaining about if you haven't had the pleasure of trying my cooking, I'm not half complaining about seeing your incessant mess in this room- although her complaint was half true, yeah, I was messy, but in in this room there was never anything disorganized because despite my constant threats, Leila turned a deaf ear and collected and organized everything and to my greatest humiliation even my personal belongings.
-so look away
-how childish you are
-And yet I'm not the one sulking across the room.-She shot me an angry look and I laughed. It was enough to bother her, I wanted to make amends. I opened the drawer of the nightstand, took out the book and showed it to her- take
-for me? - she wondered totally surprised and any trace of anger disappeared
-I thought it would be your style- I answered with complete honesty, she sat down next to me taking the book. She look at it for a few minutes as if she had a great treasure in her hands
-Thank you, Haymitch- she whispered and shyly planted a kiss on my cheek. I felt the heat rise to my face and to get some distance I cleared my throat.
-Don't get too excited, in two weeks I have to return it, so don't waste time if you want to finish it.- She giggled, nodding.
And so it was, Leila took my word and in less than 3 days she had finished the book. She really must have liked it a lot because while she was reading it I would see her giggle, get emotional or even be completely absorbed by the story. One day in the morning when she left, out of curiosity I decided to start reading the book but I just managed to get so bored that I fell asleep. I didn't understand this girl's strange tastes. However, every time I went to the library, I would always go through that section and look for a new book for Leila. She was more than delighted to read something new. I didn't even have to try to read any of those books again, since she was babbling so much that she ended up telling me the whole story, which gave me even more material to tease her about.
I just came out of the annex next to Peeta's room. I felt mentally exhausted. Although the boy had made some progress since he came to the district, it wasn't what we were expecting. The more the days passed, the more convinced I became that the Peeta I once knew was dead. I wasn't the only one who lost hope, the medical team too, the only one who kept her faith intact was Prim and I know she was doing it for her sister. As I was wandering the halls I bumped into my maniacal roommate.
-Aren't you supposed to be in the kitchens, preparing exceptional dishes?-I scoffed, and she sighed in fake exasperation.
- my exceptional dishes can wait for another 2 hours, now I go to physical training like every afternoon
-I didn't know you were training soldier Brightlock.- She laughed.
-Not really, I just take the opportunity to exercise, that's all. How is Peeta?
-Not much has changed anyway- I said, letting out a sigh.
-You have to give him time, you'll see that little by little he will improve,-she said, trying to encourage me.
-You're already learning to lie to me better- I told her in a whisper. A lock of her ponytail fell over her face and I took it to put it in place behind her ear. She looked at me carefully without answering me.
But surprisingly I felt Leila's lips on mine, I tensed for a moment in my mind processing what was happening. The brat was kissing me and the worst part is that I was kissing her back. I couldn't connect my mind with my body, they seemed to have separated. I was only aware of Leila's hands tangled in my hair and my arms encircling her waist to pull her closer to me. Her lips on mine felt as soft as they looked, Leila was all shy but her kiss was the opposite, desperate and eager, and I responded in kind. I ran one of my hands up her back until I released her hair from her garter and wrapped my hand in it. I felt her heartbeat beat so fast against mine and our breaths getting heavier. I stopped thinking. !fuck everyone and everything! I got lost in this moment, everything around me disappeared and ceased to exist except for Leila in my arms. I began to lack air and in a burst of audacity I began to spread kisses from her cheek until I reached her neck. She trembled in my arms and moaned softly, I felt Leila's hands under my shirt, I shuddered at the contact, and this only helped to arouse me more, I raised her in my arms so that she was at my height and continued with my head stuck in his long, smooth neck.
Unexpectedly she roughly pushed me away. I felt confused, excited and most of all embarrassed with my behavior, but all those feelings were eclipsed when I saw Leila's expression. Fear. I felt a rush of rage invade me and even worse, pain. She was the one who started to kiss me, I wasn't taking advantage of her. However I quickly realized that Leila was not looking at me in fear but at the corridor. I paid attention and yes, I heard some voices approaching and only a few moments later I saw a group of young soldiers pass by us to go to the training room. I doubted that they had seen anything and I remembered Leila's words "everyone who gets close to me ends up dead or worse". For this reason Leila was scared, not because of me. Despite this, what had happened was not right and could not happen again.
-You have to go, otherwise you'll be late-I said trying to sound as normal as possible, she nodded and without saying another word she went in the same direction as the other soldiers. What the fuck have I done?!
what are you thoughts about the story so far? a Johanna POV is coming soon!