Chandler stared at his reflection in the mirror, feeling stupid.

"I love-" he cut himself off, dropping his eyes to the sink. He raised them to the mirror again.

"I love you," he said.

He studied his face, thin lips, flat eyes, and pale skin, and pictured Rachel cringing away from him. He sighed and slapped his cheeks, raising some color.

"You can do this. You love her, you can do this," his stomach somersaulted. "Rachel, I love you." Her name melted him a little, and, as if that had been all he needed, he looked human, eyes a little warmer in the mirror.

He nodded, resolved. "I love you," he said again, walking into the living room. It wasn't so scary. "Rachel, I love you." He sat down at the lawn table in his living room, returning to the scraping off of the gum and gunk from the thin, white metal. "I love you-hey man!" he said, hopping to his feet as Joey entered fresh from his birthday dinner with Kathy.

"Hey, who were you talking to?" Joey asked, an amused smile on his face.

"You," Chandler said. An obvious lie that Joey didn't believe, but he let it slide anyway. He was in a giving mood. "So how'd it go? How'd she like the gift?"

"Oh man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now," Joey said, removing his coat with a smile that lit him up.

"Oh yeah? That's great, man," Chandler said with genuine enthusiasm. "I'm happy for you."

"Listen, I gotta tell you, I feel kinda bad taking credit for this because, man am I gonna get a lot of credit for this," he waggled his eyebrows and Chandler laughed.

"That was the point, Joe. Don't feel bad, it's my gift to you."

"Hey," Kathy said as she opened the apartment door.

"Hey! Happy birthday," said Chandler.

"Thank you," she smiled a little uncertainly, though Chandler didn't seem to notice. Joey grabbed her waist and gave her a soft kiss. There was a bit of banter before Joey moved off to bed.

"Don't forget your coupon," Joey said, gripping the threshold of his room seductively, and Chandler couldn't help smirking. Of course he'd given her the "Joey-love" coupon as well.

Chandler gave Kathy a "Goodnight" before moving toward his room.

"Um, thank you for the gift," Kathy threw out, stopping him. He turned with a quizzical look, playing dumb.

"The gift?"

"The Velveteen Rabbit, kind of have the feeling you had something to do with it," she said, leaning against the counter with a small smile.

"What do you mean?" Chandler asked, a little nervous that he could guess the answer.

"Well when Joey gave it to me, he said 'this is because I know you like rabbits, and I know you like cheese.'" Chandler pressed his lips together to bite back a laugh, while Kathy nodded, a small, soft smile on her face. "Thanks, I love it. And I know how hard it must have been for you to find…" she looked up at him from under her lashes.

Chandler wished he'd walked through the details with Joey before he'd given her the gift. He shrugged, making a noncommittal noise, hoping this didn't taint Joey in her eyes.

"You must really like Joey to go through all that trouble for him," she said. Chandler might be crazy, but he thought she might be staring at his mouth.

"Yeah, he's my best friend," he said firmly. "And it really wasn't all me. I may have searched but I promise he paid…" the silence between them felt meaningful somehow, so Chandler backed up uncomfortably toward his door. "Goodnight."

When he was alone in his room his head spun, wondering if he'd imagined the unexpected tension. What on Earth had that been about?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rachel was having a Chandler problem, in that she was having Chandler withdrawal symptoms. He had been insistent about their Friday night special plans, but work had screwed the both of them out of it. Johanna had been on the war path and had actually screamed at Rachel, and Chandler's boss had called him in after an important file that needed to be emailed out that day had been deleted.

Sure, this was normally no problem, they would just reschedule, but Saturday Monica and Rachel had gotten horrifying food poisoning, and then Joey had begged Chandler to come to a performance since she and he had missed the last few. And night after night their special plan was moved.

They still hung out in a group setting. She was able to see him, but he was sort of freaking her out. She thought he seemed more serious lately, like something was on his mind that he wanted to discuss. He still played sexy pranks, but the heat in his eyes had an unreadable intensity to them.

Monica at least knew. Rachel looked forward to healing from the food poisoning and cuddling in their apartment openly. At least, that would have been the case, but everyone seemed to be over all the time now.

Case in point, Ross was performing on the keyboard for all of them in her apartment, and it was the worst thing she'd ever heard.

Rachel listened with rapt excitement mixed with horror as Ross played his "sound" for them. Farm animals and lasers. Perfection.

She encouraged him to perform in public, sharing a glance with Chandler that had her eyes skating away from the intensity. Her stomach flipped. Every now and then, with some shift in the A/C or draft in the apartment, his scent would swirl around her and she would be overcome with a bone-deep ache of missing him.

Chandler paused in the door as everyone was leaving, her included, for evening plans. He glanced as their friends disappeared down the hallway to make sure they had privacy.

"Next Friday, after Thanksgiving, you have any evening plans?"

"Not a one," she said smiling and leaning into his warmth. He tilted his head over her and sealed their mouths together.

"Now you do. Come hell or high water," he smiled down at her, then added after a moment of consideration. "Or Joey in a towel."

"Ugh don't remind me!" she laughed, pressing her face into his warm chest. She inhaled, breathing him in, grabbing his lapels. "Remind me why we have to go to work functions?"

"Hmm…" his chest rumbled. "Only way to get that 'money' thing."

"Ri-ight, and friend's work things?"

"Because we love them…depending on how long the dinosaur lecture is." She laughed, kissing his chest, and let go.

"Hey," he tilted her face up, cupping her cheek and letting her nuzzle his palm. "You okay?"

"Fine," she said, smiling with a little melancholy into his hand and kissing it. "I just miss you."

He moved his hand to the back of her neck and pressed her into him.

"I miss you too," he murmured. He slid against her, letting his mouth drop over hers and his leg press between her thighs, and she was home. This was what she wanted, what she missed. His hands pressed her back against the door and she floated up.

He suddenly let her go and she felt cold, the space between them a little painful.

"I forgot my purse!" Phoebe said, pushing past them. Chandler must have great hearing, Rachel hadn't noticed the light footsteps.

For a moment she wished Phoebe had caught them, resenting being pushed away. She shook her head at the ridiculous, childishness that seized her. She had agreed to these conditions, helped set them in place, but for the first time she wondered if it might be better to let this go, and if being someone's dirty little secret was starting to make her feel dirty as well. Where was Chandler's head in all of this?

She studied his beautiful face, light eyes, the warm expression in them that he reserved just for her. The expression that vanished into a friendly placidity when Phoebe turned back toward them.

Rachel kissed him once more, sneakily, letting the butterflies knock around inside of her, before walking past and out into the hall. She wasn't sure she could continue this way. Something was bound to give.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kathy was looking beautiful in preparation for her date, and, she admitted, in preparation for seeing her date's roomate. She and Joey weren't exclusive, so she didn't feel guilty in one sense. She did feel bad to be a source of conflict between the two men though. She had to address it with Chandler or Joey before Joey asked her to be his girlfriend, a conversation she could feel was coming.

She said hi to Chandler as she entered the apartment.They were alone, and she was glad.

When Joey called to let them know he was having car trouble, she felt a thrill of excitement, as if fate was calling her forward. She flipped through a copy of People sitting in the canoe-that-was-their-couch, her knees pressed together.

"I guess it's just me and you," Chandler said.

"Oh, okay," she said, closing the magazine and nodding.

"Yeah I think it is." He seemed a little jumpy, she thought. He was nervous to be alone given his feeling for her… Best to ease him into it.

"So what did you do today?" she asked.

"I had an appointment to get my hair cut," he said.

"Oh it looks great," she eyed the tousled, dark hair.

"And then it got canceled," he finished, and she laughed blushing a little.

"I can do it," she said smilingly.

"Really you do that?"

"Yes! Of course I learned at my aunt's dog grooming shop," she said. If he said yes after that statement, it had to be a sign from the universe or God.

"Dog grooming, huh? Okay, just don't make my tail too poofy." His expression was kind, and she left to get soap and scissors with a bounce in her step.

As she finished, she made sure to blow on his neck and card her fingers through his hair to check the length. She moved to the front of his body, staring at his hair, his eyes. He was beautiful, and she was a little distracted.

"What are you doing?" he asked, a little curious and a little nervous. She smiled.

"Checking to see if it's even." Her eyes lingered on his, dropping to his mouth. "Looks good."

Taking a breath for courage, she leaned forward, connecting their mouths with hunger. He stiffened with surprise, and the phone rang, breaking the silence.

Like a deer at the sound of a gunshot, he leapt to the phone.

"It's Joey!" he said, his voice too cheery and loud. Kathy sighed, she knew they should have talked about it first. She spoke with Joey, letting him know it was fine that he had to cancel and to stop apologizing.

"I'd better go," she said, clutching her coat, hoping he would ask her to stay.

He didn't. And when she came back in after forgetting her purse, he stood far back from her, his gorgeous blue eyes on the wall or the floor, skimming over her face.

She felt embarrassed but wasn't too worried, it was nothing she and a little bit of time couldn't fix. She could help Chandler get over his lack of confidence, he'd practically told her he loved her already, and she was ready to take the leap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monica was looking forward to Thanksgiving. She had Phoebe in the kitchen helping her out, and the parade on in the background while Rachel and Chandler sat watching on the couch. If there was a little surreptitious groping going on that she spotted from her higher vantage point standing at the counter, she pretended not to notice. She mulled over what she would get Chandler for secret santa while she cooked.

"I'm going to take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy," said Rachel, standing.

"We haven't eaten yet," Monica arched a brow.

"I know, but all that work your doing to get it ready…" she waved a hand, and disappeared into her room. Monica wondered idly if she felt well, Rachel had seemed on edge all week.

"Hey, by any chance did either of you pick Rachel for your secret santa, because I want to trade for her," Chandler said, jogging into the kitchen once Rachel had closed her bedroom door.

Phoebe leapt up eagerly, "Thank God you want her!" She explained to Chandler that Rachel exchanged almost everything she ever received. He hesitated, glancing between the two of them as if to gage their seriousness, but then he sighed, smiling.

"Great… well I want her anyhow."

"Yay! Oh good!" Phoebe clapped happily and they traded.

"I'm gonna get her the perfect thing," he said hopefully. That made Monica smile. He was good.

"Best of luck," said Monica, "and let me know if you need any help."

"Thanks, I may take you up on that," Chandler's expression grew thoughtful. "Actually, Mon, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure…" She was surprised when he ushered her out into the hallway, and turned to face her with a guilty, stressed expression. She arched a brow. "What happened?"

"Listen, is Kathy coming tonight?"

"I think so, why?" Monica watched Chandler turn a little pale scratching the back of his neck.

"She came over the other day and Joey was running late for their date. She offered to cut my hair then out of nowhere, she kissed me."

"What!?"

"I haven't told anyone yet, I'm not sure what to do. This is going to crush both Rachel and Joey, and they're two of the people I love most in the world."

Monica clutched his forearm. "Love?"

His cheeks pinked, and Monica felt giddy. Two of her best friends in love! Then she grew serious, thinking through what he'd just told her.

"First thing's first, you've got to tell Joey and Rachel. Rachel won't be hurt if you explain properly, so I'd tell her first. If she hears it second hand she might think you helped initiate or encourage the kiss. Which you didn't, right?"

"No! Of course not. I don't want to screw this up."

Monica nodded, believing him. "Next you've got to talk to Kathy, she could be thinking anything right now."

Chandler cringed. "This is going to suck."

"Well, yes. Try not to ruin thanksgiving if you can help it."

He nodded with a smirk. "Oh yeah, I'm bringing nothing but holiday cheer today."

With that, they reentered the kitchen and Monica moved to the ice-maker, while Phoebe and Chandler spoke. She managed somehow to launch an ice cube at her face, maiming her eye. After a brief discussion, Rachel drove her to the optometrist, and that was where she met Richard's son, the dreamy, dreamy Timothy Burke. Thoughts about Chandler and Rachel melted at the look in his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The Thanksgiving game was in full swing and Rachel was curled on the couch with her friends watching.

"Ooh, I like those sunglasses!" she said pointing at the screen and noticed Chandler carefully examine the brand.

"Like them, like them, or would like store credit for that amount like them?" Ross snarked.

She cursed at him in Italian with a look of approval from Joey. She was feeling on edge. She didn't want to wait until tomorrow to have their special night, she missed Chandler, he was right beside her and she missed him.

She let her chest brush his arm when she bent to grab a magazine, and blew in his ear when she leaned over to tell him something. His blue eyes sparkled dangerously at her, promising future fun, but she hated that they had to wait.

"Hey everyone!" Kathy said, entering the apartment with a smile.

At the sight of her, Rachel's eyebrows arched and Joey's mouth dropped. For Thanksgiving the girl certainly wasn't dressing family-friendly.

"Hey, babe. How you doin?" Joey said with lecherous appreciation, grabbing her around the waist and melding their mouths. She laughed and looked over the rest of them toward Chandler.

Rachel frowned when she spotted Chandler avoiding eye contact, staring at the ground looking distinctly guilty.

"I'm fine! It smells amazing in here, what is that?" she asked as Joey pulled her into the couch beside him. Rachel shifted to make room, eyes still on Chandler.

"My famous rolls," Monica said as she lifted them from the oven. Her smile at Kathy looked a little strained as well, Rachel thought. Unless Rachel was projecting her own stress onto her friends' faces. She pinched the bridge of her nose. It was hard to tell.

The evening progressed and Rachel couldn't help noticing the obvious glances Kathy continued to shoot Chandler's way. Joey might be oblivious, but Rachel certainly wasn't. Especially when Kathy kept trying to corner Chandler and he would turn pink and run to the bathroom or to her or Joey's sides.

Kathy seemed to frown more often than when she'd first come in.

When they were all sitting at the dinner table, Chandler stood suddenly, causing both Rachel and Kathy who was on his other side to jump.

"I need to go get something from my apartment," he said stiffly.

"Okay," Joey said, frowning at Kathy who was touching Chandlers thigh. Rachel wondered why it was there and if it had something to do with Chandler launching himself up.

"No need to be so jumpy," Kathy said, laughing. Monica gave a strained look, and Chandler left the apartment.

"What's going on with you tonight?" Joey asked Kathy softly.

"Yeah, are you blackmailing Chandler or something?" Phoebe asked, and Rachel realized she wasn't the only one who noticed, the evening had been weird.

"We have company," Monica said gently, a polite smile at the Timothy Burke beside her.

The phone rang, and Monica rose and answered.

"Rachel, could you run over to the boys'? I left a pie," she said after listening to the person on the other line.

Rachel stood, dread in her stomach at the thought of what might be said once she and Chandler were alone. She wondered if maybe he was the one on the phone now.

"Are you sure you want me to get it?"

"I could," Kathy said, standing.

"No," Monica said quickly, "Rachel please, you didn't help earlier."

Rachel stood and walked out across the hall, her stomach sinking with each step, until she stood before the closed door.

It opened without her needing to knock. To her horror she could feel tears in her eyes, and felt Chandler's hands lightly on her shoulders. He was pulling her inside, against his chest and she was trying to stop herself from sobbing but the tears only came more quickly.

"Oh Rachel, I'm sorry," he was whispering against her hair.

"For what?" she asked. He took a deep breath and they sat on the couch.

"The other night, Kathy came over early for a date with Joey, and his car broke down," if it was possible, her stomach sank further. "She offered to cut my hair while we waited, she was checking the hair length and then surprised me by kissing me out of the blue. I didn't kiss her back, I don't know why she did it. I've been avoiding her and I'm planning to tell Joey but I wanted to tell you first."

Rachel felt shell shocked. He looked sincere, like he was begging her to believe him. She was having trouble processing the words. It was odd that before he'd confessed she'd been unable to stop crying, and now she felt detached, her pain muted.

"Rachel?" he asked, taking her hands.

"It makes sense… the outfit, the guilty looks, the sensuousness of it all," Chandler's face grew pale as she talked. "I need you to promise me you're not just feeling guilt after the fact. Promise me that you didn't kiss her and regret it, because Chandler-"

"I promise. I didn't kiss her. I didn't even see the kiss coming."

"Chandler, I can't do this anymore…" she confessed and a weight lifted then crashed around her into a million shards. Now Chandler looked pale and shocked. He swallowed dryly.

"Please Rachel… Please don't say that," his voice broke, and she closed her eyes, feeling the burn of tears begin again.

"I thought it was good that this between us began as a secret, but I don't want to be a secret. It's like I can't breathe," she confessed, a sigh shaking her shoulders. "I want to touch you, I want to be with you and I can't unless we're alone. It's a separation I don't want. I want the whole thing, Chandler. All of it. I'm tired of settling for less than all of you. Of course other women feel free to kiss you, you don't tell any of them you have someone already."

Rachel stood up from the couch, Chandler looking stunned and pale behind her, his eyes desperate and sad. "I can't be without you. If you want to tell everyone then we can."

She paused. She didn't know if he meant that, or if he just didn't want to lose her.

"I know I agreed to this arrangement, and I don't want to force you into a rash decision."

"Then give me some time to think about it. Just…don't leave…"

Rachel shut the door, exhausted, weeping. Then she dried her eyes in the hall, practiced smiling, and reentered her apartment for Thanksgiving.