I blink my eyes open slowly. The room is dark but it slowly comes into focus. Well, as much focus as it can. I run a hand down my face before reaching out to my right and grabbing my glasses off the nightstand. After blinking a few times, I can see the clock reads 2:18AM. I'm confused for a moment because I have no idea why I'm awake or what woke me as I sit up, glancing around the red and pink decor of the room. My gaze halts over on the other side of the bed. He's still asleep. His chest is gently rising and falling and he's asleep on his side, facing me, his charging port connected to this new simulator he made behind him on the left side nightstand. I continue to watch him for a few moments. Sleep is definitely a new development for the Irken. They don't actually need it but he's been warming up to the idea for the past week or so.
I start to feel exhaustion pulling at me, tugging me towards more sleep of my own and just as I prepare to lay back down, I hear a noise. It's a faint trilling sound from somewhere in the base. It doesn't sound like a normal phone though and it must be the same sound that woke me up in the first place. I reach a hand out and place it on his shoulder, shaking him gently.
"Zim… Zim, wake up" I say trying to keep my voice low. I really don't know how sleep works for him. He could still be fully aware of his surroundings and ready for anything. Or, he could be totally out of it and completely vulnerable which, let's face it, old me would have killed for. Literally. Only a split second later, his ruby orbs are blinking up at me and he's instantly alert, sitting up as well.
"What's wrong?" He asks. There's not a hint of sleep in his voice nor posture as there is in my own. What kind of sleep could he be getting if he's never tired? What could be the point? Trying to sleep when I'm not tired is misery for me and trying to sleep when insomnia is holding onto me is even worse. In fact, sleep and I seem to be enemies. Nothing about it is ever good for me.
"Did you hear that?" I ask quietly, shifting my gaze towards the closed door for a second before I'm looking at him again. His antennae go up and he stills momentarily and then he's immediately ejecting the bedside port and crossing the room to retrieve his PAK instead. The bedside wires retreat back into the faux lamp on the table and his PAK wires seamlessly connect to his back.
"It's coming from the lab." He says, moving to stand just underneath the air vent in the ceiling.
"Is it GIR?" I ask, watching him carefully. All these years and he's still just as fascinating to me as the first day I saw him. It's not something I'd quickly admit to him though, if his ego was any bigger, his head would be the same size as my own. But it really didn't take long for all that fascination to turn into something else. Something it took me a long time to put my finger on. It was weird. It was a feeling I wasn't used to having but as foreign as it was, as troubling as it was to consider, it was a feeling I started to like. Obviously I met the guy when I was 11 and all I cared about was proving that he even existed. Proving that I wasn't crazy and that I deserved the respect and camaraderie of my peers. And when exposing him proved to be no easy feat, I spent the entirety of middle school completely wrapped up in spying on him, learning about him, fighting with him. I would say all of my memories from those years revolve around him and when we graduated eighth grade, I remember having this tight knot in my stomach. I shrugged it off, I mean clearly it was just because I knew he'd still be around trying to enslave the human race and if we went to different high schools, I wouldn't be able to keep as good of an eye on him. That was the reason right? I had to keep telling myself, it wasn't as if the idea of not seeing him everyday would actually make me sad. I just wanted to protect my home, since no one else was going to do it. And the weird sensations I started having in my stomach around him were strictly because I was on edge about his next move. That was all it was because I knew that was all it could be. So obviously, for the good of the planet and everyone on it, I had to investigate and figure out what his next steps were. It's never hard to learn anything I want to know, especially when GIR has always let me into the base whenever I asked. Enrolling in the same high school as Zim was purely strategic. And boy, was I ever NOT ready for high school…
"No, thank God, I remembered to put him in sleep mode. I can't risk him setting fire to the base, AGAIN." Zim replies, shuddering at the memory. "Especially not when I'm exploring this whole 'sleep' business. It's a transmission from the lab... Um… I'll be right back" He says, probably aiming for a smile but it comes across as more of a grimace. "Computer." He says.
"Ugh now what?" The computer groans. Zim rolls his eyes but continues on.
"Take me to the lower level lab." He commands. He's swiftly pulled through the air vent and I'm left alone. I glance around the room awkwardly, not sure if I should wait up or go back to sleep. I didn't even really mean to be spending another night but we spent so much time at the outlook today, it was way past curfew and if I don't get home by curfew, it's just better to wait for my dad to be at work when I do finally return home. I've been at the base since Thursday evening, now it's after 2AM on Saturday. It's still slightly odd to spend the night here but not completely unheard of. I've been sleeping over here since junior year. Not all the time, just more often… recently.
Of course during my first year of high school, my sister wasn't there. She was still in middle school. Gaz was the only student to ever sit with me or even talk to me really. Navigating a new school with new people but the same social structures was hard enough but to do it alone was even worse. Not that my sister was my favorite person, but still if anyone is going to belittle me, I'd rather it be her. I remember sitting at a huge empty table during lunch on the first day of freshman year. I was 15 and not really hungry since all my anxiety was swirling around in my stomach all day. I was just counting the minutes to go home. I'd been there for five hours already and hadn't made a single friend and what bothered me most (much to my chagrin) was I hadn't seen Zim all day either. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary though, the world was still spinning, no blood curdling screams coming from outside. He wasn't up to anything like that, so where was he? I tried to keep my gaze down at my tray of slop but I started feeling light headed. I didn't want to eat but I also didn't want to be the student who fainted in the middle of the cafeteria on the first day of high school.
Just as I picked up my spork and filled it with some of the tough grey protein on my plate, I glanced up and my mouth fell open. Everyone else's lunch was going smoothly, people were chatting loudly, laughing, the occasional piece of food flying through the air. But my lunch period felt frozen in that second. Zim was idling by the entrance, wearing his usual frown and look of disgust watching the cafeteria. Could be because of the room itself, maybe the food and odors, maybe the students, and maybe it's just his go-to facial expression. He looked completely different yet it was still so obvious to me who he was. His mannerisms and of course the new contact lenses that made it look like he has regular eyes but was wearing red contacts. His disguise was completely upgraded and could definitely fool anyone now. Well, anyone but me. He was wearing different clothes, too. It wasn't his usual Irken Invader uniform. He was wearing a long sleeve black shirt underneath a pink t-shirt and red straight leg jeans of course with his PAK secured behind him, appearing to be a normal backpack. He kept his black gloves and boots but his new wig was more suited for a highschool student being a regular short cut, kind of spiky with some bangs hanging just above his eyes. Similar colors but definitely more inconspicuous. I wasn't sure why he was just standing there. Maybe the scene was overwhelming for him, too. But that wasn't likely, not when he always felt like he was the best thing to ever walk the earth. Whatever it was, I managed to swallow down my nerves and call out.
"Zim!" I say, just loud enough for him to hear. I winced a little at the extra attention I drew from some nearby peers but thankfully they were immediately reabsorbed into conversation. He looks my way, then looks around the cafeteria, then looks at me again, clearly puzzled. I hold out my hand and gesture for him to come over. He only hesites a moment before he's striding over to my one man island. And I was able to convince myself that I only wanted him to sit with me because of familiarity. After all, I didn't have anyone else to talk to and his company was better than none. It definitely wasn't because I was excited to see him or anything.
"Dib-human" He nods before taking the seat across from me. "Is there some reason I'm gracing you with my presence right now?" I look down at my food and laugh a little. It could almost be a joke if it weren't for the fact that he really was just that arrogant. Either way, I still thought it was funny.
"You looked a little lost. And I told you to stop calling me that. It just makes it easier for me to prove my case" I reply. He just scoffs, glancing around the lunchroom again.
"Well four years in this filth bucket town and I'm still here." He says, and it almost sounds like a challenge. I just stare at him for a few seconds and don't even realize I'm doing it until he comments on it. "Spacing out, Space-Boy." He says and it snaps me out of it. I quickly look down and shovel some of the mystery slop in my mouth, and I can feel my face burning. But why, though? It's just Zim. Maybe this food is making me sick. I literally stare at him all the time, he knows that and so does everyone else we had gone to school with. Why am I embarrassed this time? It's not even totally unheard of for us to sit together seeing as we'd already become something like frenemies at some point during our time in middle school. He'd never admit that though, but who else did we really have? He's always prided himself on needing no one but it's just that it's easier to say you don't need anyone when you look around and realize you've never had anyone. I know.
"Oh no I was just…" I say, shaking my head. He just shrugs and takes the spork out of my hand. "Hey! I'm trying to eat!"
"That all looks completely repulsive." He states, poking around at the various substances on the tray before setting the spork down. I look down at it and then back up at him. He's scoping the cafeteria out again but of course catches me looking. Jesus, a second time, what is going on with me? He scoffs before speaking "You're clearly in awe of my fantastic ensemble today, you can just say that."
Now my face is straight up on fire but I try to keep my voice calm. "It's uh… You upgraded."
"Obviously, imbecile" He scowls. "These humans, these 'high schoolers' have higher intellectual capacities than that of the smeets I've grown accustomed to. That's not saying much but… They'll prove useful to my data collection reports for the Tallests before their arrival."
"Yeah well, high school students are older and I guess a little bit more mature than elementary and middle school students. Humans generally learn more as we go, remember?" I ask. He just nods before pulling two folded pieces of paper from his pocket. "Let me guess, some horrible plans in the making?" I ask.
"I'd never tell you if they were. And no. I've read that detention is a form of punishment. It's similar to exile really" He says, staring down at one of the papers. For a while it started feeling like we were on this island all our own. And keeping up my hostility towards him had gotten more and more difficult as each year passed. His mission is to enslave the human population and obviously I can't let that happen but just as my sister always pointed out, he's pretty bad at it. And that's surprising because Zim is far more intelligent than I'd like to give him credit for. I'm preparing a response when two girls, who look exactly alike, start giggling as they stroll past our table. Zim is preoccupied with his sheets of paper but I'm immediately focused on the noise, feeling like I'm shrinking into the bench.
"Charlotte, I dare you to talk to one of them!" One of the girls says. They've both got long, straight, red hair and green eyes.
"Yuck! Never. Their crazy might rub off on me" The other responds. I keep my gaze on my tray but my left hand starts trembling so I sit it in my lap, underneath the table, trying to keep my breathing steady. Of course this kind of thing would still happen. Even at a new school. We're both pretty well known, of course people still know us. Zim seemed pretty uninterested in what they were saying as they passed by, then suddenly he looks up at me and turns around to face them.
"Away with you, or I'll crush up your bones and add it to milkshakes for my dog" He hisses at them. Their faces contort into disgust but they don't respond, they just quickly walk away from the table. Then Zim is focused on his paper again, like nothing happened.
"So this detention thing. How's the torture there?" He asks. I'm still looking at my food and his voice sounds far away. "Dib-Beast, what should I be expecting?" He asks impatiently. I finally blink up at him and my heart rate starts to slow up.
"Why do you have detention?" I ask.
"Well I just got here." He replies.
"Late on the first day? Way to draw negative attention to yourself." I mumble. I mean… Why would I have a problem with that? The whole point is to expose him, isn't it? Even if he does it himself.
"So detention, it's in a dungeon, yes? A torture chamber?" He asks inquisitively.
"Totally. It's all medieval torture devices so I hope you did your homework" I reply huffing out a breath to punctuate the sentence, and I'm pretty sure he can't tell I'm joking. I glance down at the other piece of paper on the table and it's his school schedule. "Can I see that?" I ask. He's still staring down at the detention slip when he slides the schedule across the table and I pick it up. I reach into my bag on the floor and pull mine from it, setting them next to each other. Not that it's important or anything, I'm just curious. It's just something you do, you compare your schedules with other students. It doesn't mean anything. "Well let's see what you missed today. Health first period, gym, foreign language, and global history. I actually have health first period on mondays, too"
"Seeing you at the start of every week will sicken me." He says nonchalantly, folding the detention slip up and putting it away. I ignore the comment and continue scanning the schedules.
"And we both have English after lunch. Then you have algebra when I have economics but then we both have Environmental Science last period." I say, adjusting my glasses on my nose. He stands up and trades the seat across from me for the seat next to me, leaning in to observe the schedules as well. "Um…" I say, clearing my suddenly very dry throat. "So Tuesday we only share the same lunch period but Wednesday is the same as Monday. Tuesday and Thursday are the same. And on Fridays we both have psychology and political science." So four periods on Mondays and Wednesdays, one on Tuesday and Thursday, and three on Friday. Not bad for eight periods a day. Provided he actually comes on time. Again, not that it matters but it helps having someone around you already know. And I've got a responsibility to keep an eye on him. Plus, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't and I can already see these students aren't any better than the ones from our old school.
"And why are you keeping tabs on my whereabouts?" He asks, narrowing his red eyes at me.
"I was just curious, I swear" I reply. Trying not to focus on the different shades of pink and ruby I know are just beyond his new contact lenses. After glancing over the two schedules one more time I'm handing his over. As he retrieves it, a gloved hand lightly brushes over my fingers and I quickly tug my hand away, picking up my milk carton and draining it.
"This curriculum seems it'll be much more informative than that of the other schools." He says, looking over his schedule. "It's a wonder that military training doesn't begin promptly after birth here."
"Well that's the idea, but you have to actually be here for it." I mumble. "And I mean, humans can't really do much directly after birth." The bell rings and the cafeteria starts to clear out. He watches the herd of students momentarily before standing up.
"Okay, take me to English class" He demands.
"Yeah okay," I say, rising from my chair and putting my backpack on. "Only, you wouldn't need my help if you were actually here this morning for the walkthrough" I finish as we both make our way towards the lunchroom doors and I drop my tray into the trash.
I lean back on the pillows and take a deep breath. What could this transmission be about? Zim hasn't gotten a transmission in over a year. Not since the one that came with news which completely devastated him. The Tallests were never interested in earth. They sent Zim here to distract him. They blamed him for the failure of Operation Impending Doom One and didn't want him anywhere near Operation Impending Doom Two. That call came just a month after I finally talked to him about some new… developments in my feelings. A few weeks before the end of junior year, Zim had missed school that day. We didn't hang out anymore, nor did we talk and that was not my doing at all. As much as I so passionately enjoyed the whole "loner 17-year old" shtick, being ignored by Zim was loneliness on a new level. So when I arrived home on Wednesday after a long school day where the only communication I had came from lunch with my sister, it stopped me completely in my tracks to see Zim sitting on my porch steps. He'd been avoiding me like the plague for the past few weeks and then he was sitting on my steps? And that conversation he was here to have with me was even worse than the one I had with him that caused him to avoid me in the first place.
"Zim…" I gasped, stopping just outside my yard. He didn't look up at me, kept his gaze on the ground below him.
"I don't want to be here okay so don't make this difficult." He says, but it's missing his usual tone of malice. I take a couple of cautious steps forward.
"Make what difficult?" I inquire. I tried to practice some self restraint. I missed him these past few weeks. So freaking much but that wasn't the kind of thing one could tell Zim. It's not how you approach him. He wouldn't know what to do with that kind of sentiment.
"I need to talk to you. I listened to you when you talked about all your gross human feelings, now you listen to me." He replied, finally looking at me. I take a deep breath and press forward, sitting down on the side of him, on the step below him. "Don't think you're special or anything. There's just no one for me to talk to about this as GIR certainly doesn't care and none of the other humans would get it."
"Okay… Do you want to go inside?" I ask, trying to keep my voice leveled. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable by how nervous I'm feeling. I don't want to push him away again.
"Is your sibling home?" He asks. I nod. "No."
"Understandable. Well. What's going on?" I prompt. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, looking out towards the street. We're just sitting in silence for a couple of minutes but I just wait as calmly as I can. Which is not very calm but I mean how could it be. Just sitting with him again was enough to make me a little loopy. I mean I know he told me not to feel special but can it really be helped right now?
"Am I a threat?" He asks abruptly, shattering the silence. I furrow my brows in response.
"What?" I ask, clearly confused.
"Am I a threat? Do you fear me?" He asks again. I'm slightly dumbfounded but he's just looking at me, clearly waiting for an answer.
"I um… I guess so" I reply.
"You guess so?" He asks, looking back out towards the road.
"I mean yeah. I guess I do. I'm not really the right person to ask, though. Most people don't investigate all the things I spend my time on because humans have this fear of the unknown. You're not unknown to me… So I don't fear you. As for a threat, I would say yes because I know you're fully capable of either totally obliterating the planet or conquering it." I say, surprised that I'm even able to piece together any coherent thoughts.
"You're right. I am capable. But I just don't know if there's any reason to do it anymore." He sighs dejectedly. "I haven't heard from the Tallests in years. But that isn't uncommon, they have the entire Armada to oversee and we're expected to just keep to our mission whether or not they check in. But today, I got a transmission from the second in command… Do you remember when I opened that FLORPUS hole?"
"The one that almost destroyed us all, including you? How could I forget." I respond sarcastically. Either it goes over his head or he's simply hearing what he wants to hear.
"Yes, yes, it was pretty amazing… Well, your parental unit pulled us all out but the Tallests flew directly into it. And it was me who put them in that situation." He says. My eyes widen and I'm still processing what he just said as he continues. "Needless to say. If I ever set foot on Irk again, the Armada will have my head."
"What? What did they - did they actually say that?" I ask.
"What they said was that I'm a weak, worthless waste of Irken material and a danger to my people." He replies. He doesn't sound any sort of way about it but he's still just as depressed as I have ever seen him.
"Well… I mean… that's… it's not true…" I say, unsure why I'm even saying it. I mean if not anything else, I still think of him as more than an enemy or a nemesis.
"Obviously not. But they don't see it that way. I tried to go back and be with my people but they wouldn't hear it. It's a complete disaster over there, and right in the middle of OID 2. But… If I go back they want to deactivate me." He huffs out an irritated breath while my own catches in my throat.
"Deactivate? Like… You mean like kill?" I ask, feeling my face heat up and my stomach clench.
"Don't be so dramatic." He shrugs.
"But can't they just come here? And get you?" I ask, trying to mask the fact that I may or may not be spiraling right now.
"It's not an impossibility but it's not likely. They've got much bigger things going on and Irk never wanted anything to do with Earth to begin with. It would be a waste of time." He says. I just nod, trying to understand what he's doing here. I mean it's a lot of information but why did he need me to know? Or is this one more plan of his to get me to drop my guard? Although, let's be real, I dropped my guard pretty low the second I started entertaining these ludicrous ideas. "So, Dib-Human. What would you do?" He asks, suddenly turning towards me and watching me expectantly.
"Me? You mean if I were you?" I ask, somewhat baffled. He's asking me for advice? Me?
"Are you having that much trouble keeping up?!" He hisses at me. I immediately shake my head.
"I don't understand what you want me to say. You're saying you can't go home so what, are you staying here?"
"There aren't many options. One is to go home anyway and allow the Armada to do with me as they see fit. But the other is to overtake Earth anyway and maybe show them I have what it takes."
"And I don't suppose there's a third option where you just forget all of this and be normal?"
"That's not what I was made to do." He says. I look down at the concrete taking a minute to think. And I can't believe I've gotten to this point. The point where he's actually offering to take himself out of the picture entirely and I'm not jumping at the opportunity. But how can I tell him not to do that without also telling him to continue trying to enslave my own planet? I shake my head and adjust one of the straps on my backpack. If he leaves, I'll never see him again. And it won't be because he's somewhere else doing what he wants to do. It'll be because he's gone and not coming back, ever. But… if I can convince him to stay and see his mission to the end, even if it's just for himself, he'll probably be just as bad at it as he's always been and at least I'd still have him here. I glance up at him and he's watching me so carefully, I feel funny just breathing. I hate that I've gotten to this point but even moreso, I hate that he knows full well where my head is.
"You were made to be an invader." I say, not as steadily as I'd hoped but it works for me. "Just like you said, you were made for that, not to be a quitter. Deactivation without seeing your mission to the end?" I ask. He considers my words, narrowing his eyes and nodding slowly.
"This is true. I can't allow myself to be deactivated without having succeeded in my mission. And possibly, that could be enough to take this whole deactivation nonsense off the metaphorical table and the Tallests, whoever they may be, will see me for the invader I've always been." He declares, thoughtful for a moment, then suddenly stands up and descends the stone steps.
"Zim, wait!" I say before I can stop myself. He turns to look at me and I can't look at him. "I just… Well…"
"Get on with it. Humans and their inability to be direct at the most inconvenient times." He rolls his eyes. I think over what to say to him before he goes. It's been weeks since we've spoken or spent any time together at all and it's tearing up my insides. But I know I can't say that. I also can't apologize for telling him about my feelings because that would mean bringing them up again. I have to choose my words carefully.
"Do you… I mean I know there's a lot going on right now for you and all but would you want to go to the outlook? With me? Maybe this weekend? You can bring GIR and - I mean I know you might not feel like coming to school much this week but-"
"Oh I'll be at school. Dwelling on things is a sign of weakness and Zim is not weak." He replies.
"Okay… And the outlook?" I ask again. He stares at me blankly, gaze shifting towards the ground, then back up at me.
"Sunday. I have things I need to do." He says finally and I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in.
"Sunday is fine." I nod, trying to control my excitement. I haven't been to the outlook in weeks because it was sort of our thing and I just didn't want to go without him. Maybe he forgave me for making our budding friendship awkward. I could only hope.
"Then I'll be taking my leave now. And I'll see you at lunch tomorrow." He says, and then disappears down the street. I'm left sitting on my steps in silence, watching until he's totally out of sight.
Of course when I realized my fascination turned into something deeper, I couldn't accept it. It didn't take me long to realize how I felt, I mean I am my fathers son. Intelligence is literally in my genes, but it was just something I couldn't fathom. Becoming cordial by the end of middle school was one thing. And even that took me forever to accept after everything we had been through. It twisted up my insides to think about how I would actually miss this guy who had tried to end me on more than one occasion and vice versa. Even being friends at the start of high school freaked me out if I thought about it too much but I was just drawn to him. I was always drawn to him. And since clearly trying to get rid of each other was never going to work, maybe we could actually be friends. It wasn't easy but it also wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I kind of just operated as if I were dealing with a different person. As if Zim weren't the same Zim I dealt with as a rival.
But that's where I went wrong. Still, it took me until almost the middle of sophomore year to finally accept what I was really feeling. He wouldn't have described us as friends but we obviously were. Everyday I saw him, every conversation, every argument all just served as proof. I was 16 then and maybe I just matured enough to finally accept it or maybe the growing closeness between us made the feeling more than I could handle and it blurred my mind making me think I could accept it. Why was I struggling? Was it guilt? I've always been loyal to Earth. No matter what, I would never standby and let Zim destroy it or turn everyone into slaves. The same people that rejected me. The father who barely ever acknowledged my existence and the sister who took every chance she had to make me regret ever existing to begin with. The peers who determined my value to exceed nothing more than a punching bag to be discarded after the gloves came off. No. Guilt wasn't the reason I was struggling with this… crush. Was it fear? Was I still afraid of him? How could I have been? I spent most of my time with him, we knew each other better than we knew anyone else. Was he dangerous? I mean sure, but it has already been five years and the closer we've gotten, the closer I've wanted to get. I simply didn't fear him. I just didn't have anything to lose and if I could just accept my feelings, at least I'd have a chance to have everything to gain.
It was down a steep hill after that. I had a crush. Big deal. I could accept that (after a complete meltdown). And I did. After the initial panic set in, I harbored it for another year. But that was the problem. I became less aware of my own behavior. My insults weren't as biting. I wasn't on edge around him waiting for him to strike. I changed. I was happier but I didn't know to what extent my actions towards him had changed. Of course he noticed it though and just leave it to Zim to never let anything go. He was clearly at his wits end about my altered behavior and he was not going to let it go. And I was tired of the ruse as well. It was getting exhausting turning all those conversations about my behavior into arguments just to mask what I was really feeling. I couldn't stare into those ruby orbs and continue poisoning the butterflies trying to take flight in my stomach. And so I told him.