This has been a story that's been sitting in my documents for a while, and I wanted to get it out. I have more written, so you can expect an update soon! Please review and tell me what you think!
Roy Walton. The man that Hailey had killed. He had gotten what he deserved, but if Voight had let her call it in, everything would be fine. It would have been declared a good shoot. But as of this time, the FBI was looking into the disappearance of Roy. If Hailey stepped up and admitted guilt, she would be arrested.
Hailey was in her bathroom while Jay was still sleeping. Hailey closed the door and turned on the shower. She grabbed something from her pocket and then went into the shower. Hailey ran the item she took over her upper arm three times and watched the blood run down the drain. The item she had taken from the bathroom was a razor blade. A new one as well, so it was sharp as it could be. The blood running down the shower drain was a scarlet red. Her blood. It was her blood on the shower floor. The red droplets continued to drip from her arm, through the water, and into the drain. It was a constant pattern, drip, water, drain, drip, water, drain.
Hailey got out of the shower, her arm still bleeding. She had lost a bit more blood than she intended to, but having a bit of medical knowledge, wrapped her arm after cleaning it. Okay, so her knowledge was not great, but it wasn't terrible. Jay was already making breakfast by the time she got downstairs, and he smiled at her.
"Hey, Hails. Pancakes?" He slid a plate over to her and a bottle of maple syrup after.
"Thanks, babe, but I'm not too hungry right now," Hailey sighed. Jay kissed her forehead, "Try to eat one. For me, please?" He gave her the fake sad eyes. Hailey play-smacked him, "Fine. But you know this is a one-time exception," She tried to seem as upbeat as she normally was. Luckily, Jay took it.
"Thanks, Hails. I'm gonna change," He left, and Hailey picked at her breakfast. By the time Jay had come back, she had eaten half of a pancake.
"Hey, Jay. When do we need to leave?" Hailey asked.
"5 minutes. I'll start the truck, so that it can warm up a bit. I'll be right back," He grabbed his keys and went outside. Hailey took this time to go to the bathroom. She pulled off her shirt, wincing as she pulled the bandage off. It was dyed a dark red, and the bleeding had stopped for the most part. She wiped away all the excess blood and was left with a few cuts. She put new bandages over the cuts and went back downstairs just as Jay was coming back. They both got into his truck and drove to the district.
This was the routine for weeks. Shower, cut, eat, work. Shower, cut, eat, work. Throughout the weeks, however, one thing changed. Hailey became depressed, with it growing every day. She started pushing her friends and family away from her. Hailey wasn't eating or sleeping enough. Kim tried to talk to her several times.
"Hails? What's going on?" Kim had tried this sentence and always got the same answer in reply.
"Nothing. I'm fine,"
Hailey avoided wearing a T-shirt, no matter the weather. If she did, it would show all her cuts and scars, and she didn't want to explain, as it would involve telling them about Roy. And she couldn't do that. Not to Kim. Not to Jay. Not to anyone. Hailey even avoided having sex or showering with Jay, to his disappointment.
"Hailey, can I talk to you for a moment?" Voight asked one day. Hailey entered his office and sat down. Voight sat at the other side of his desk.
"What's going on?" He got straight to the moment.
"Nothing, Sarge," Hailey stood up to leave.
"Sit down," Voight ordered, "Roll up your sleeves. Now," Voight suspected something, and Hailey didn't want him finding out.
"I don't see the point of that, Sarge," Hailey tried to protest, but meekly obeyed when she saw Voight's eyes. She slowly rolled them up, but she was cutting her upper arms more than her forearms, so she was able to lie about it, "I tripped. I'll be fine,"
"Get it checked out at Med. Just as a precaution," Voight said.
"I did, not infected. It'll be fine," She lied.
"Fine. Get back to work," Voight ordered.
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Hailey's new coping skill was now getting out of hand. She was losing a ton of blood and constantly getting dizzy and headaches every day. Jay worried about her, trying to convince her to go to a therapist. She shot the thought down every time he tried to bring it up. Every time he did, she would become increasingly more frustrated. Hailey hated to admit she needed help; she grew up under the impression that help wasn't a thing.
"Hailey, please, it would help-," Jay had tried once more.
"Jay, stop! I don't need help!" She yelled back, storming out of the room. Deciding she needed time to herself, Jay went over to Kim's place. He left a note saying where he was and got in his truck. When Jay got there, he rang the doorbell. The door opened, Kim standing there.
"Jay! I wasn't expecting you, if I'd known you were coming, I would've made something!" Kim exclaimed. Jay shook his head, "Don't worry about it," His tone made Kim realize something was wrong. She let him in and invited him to sit on the couch and got him a cup of coffee.
"What's wrong, Jay?" Kim inquired. Jay looked at her and sighed.
"It's Hailey. Something's wrong with her, and I don't know what to do," He looked into his coffee, staring at his reflection, "I know she hates to ask for help, but something's wrong,"
"What have you done so far? Maybe the suggestions you might be making aren't right for her?" Kim suggested.
"I tried getting her to go to a therapist or at least talk with someone. She yelled at me and left the room. I came here after that,"
"All right. Maybe she doesn't want to talk to someone she doesn't know well, you know how that's hard for her. I've noticed she's been acting different at work. How does she act at your house?" Kim asked.
"I don't know, not normal,"
"What does that mean?" Kim knew she wasn't acting right, but she wanted Jay's perspective. Jay shrugged, "I'm not sure. It's like, she's not as energetic or quirky. I don't know if you've noticed, but she doesn't really eat at all. I've offered to take her to her favourite restaurants a lot, but she just finds an excuse to not go out. Can I get another cup of coffee?" Jay had drained his cup. Kim nodded, pouring another cup for him.
"Thanks. I'm just worried about her. It's like her personality's completely changed from the Hailey I know to this," Jay only wanted to help her, and he didn't know how to do that.
"I've noticed that. I've tried to ask her, and she shoots me down. Have you talked to Voight?" Kim nodded.
"Yeah. He tried to get her to crack, but it didn't work. Hailey's been constantly dizzy and having headaches a lot. Voight looks like he's about to threaten her job if she doesn't take some time off. I want to take her to Med, but she'll say no for sure. But it's the shower I'm concerned about," He muttered.
"Shower?" Kim was confused.
"Yeah. I've noticed that the floor of it is stained a lighter red. I've talked to her about it, but she's just saying that she cut herself while shaving in the shower. The thing is if that's true then why if the floor stained red? The blood wouldn't stain if it were a one-time thing," His voice cracked, as if he were about to cry.
"I don't know, Jay," Kim put her hand on his shoulder, "I'll talk to her. I'll text her and ask for her to hang here. Kevin's taking Adam to Molly's tonight, so he's not coming by tonight. You guys free?"
"Not like we do anything at night anymore," Jay muttered. Kim looked at him, "Sorry. Yeah, we're free. Sorry, you're just trying to help,"
"It's all right. You look like you could use an outing. Get out of here, go do something," Kim took the mug from Jay's hands. Right after she set it down, Jay stood up, "You're right. Any suggestions?"
"Go down to the firehouse or something. I'm sure Gabby would love to see you," Kim insisted. Jay nodded and gave a tight smile, "Yeah, thanks for this," He gestured to the coffee.
"Anytime. Text me later," Kim called after him as he walked to his truck. Jay nodded and drove to Firehouse 51, wondering if Hailey was okay.
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While Jay was gone, Hailey was trying to find something to do. She paced around the house, trying to muster up the courage for what she really wanted to do. Die. She loved Jay with all her heart, but she couldn't handle this secret that was torturing her. Hailey Upton was carrying the burden of killing Roy Walton and she couldn't release it.
Hailey took in a shaky breath as she got a kitchen knife. A sharp one. She didn't want to keep this secret. Hailey wanted to be free. Free from this world and this torture. Hailey shakily ran the knife lightly over her throat, causing a small line of blood. She smiled. She liked the pain. It told her she'd soon be gone. Gone from this world. She dug the knife a little deeper into her throat, and blood spurted out quickly. Hailey knew that she'd hit her carotid by the amount of blood coming out. Hailey took a couple deep breaths, feeling dizzy. Starting to lose consciousness, she ran the knife even deeper. That was the last thing she remembered before she passed out on her floor, bloodied knife falling beside her.
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A mail carrier tapped at Hailey's door knowing that someone was inside from the lights. When he didn't get an answer, he put the mail down. Luke, that was his name, looked inside and saw all the blood falling from a blonde's throat. He had to get in there. Luke kicked the door open, sliding down beside the fallen woman. He checked for a pulse, and after a few seconds, felt the faintest thump at his fingertips. Luke pinched the artery off, pulling out his phone and calling 911.
"911, what's your emergency?" The dispatcher asked.
"His, yes, I need an ambulance at 1291 King Street," Luke stuttered.
"OK, sir, stay calm. An ambulance is on its way. Paramedics will be there in 2 minutes," Luke hung up after that, not knowing how long Hailey had. He had little medical knowledge, but he didn't think she would stay alive for very much longer. After what felt like the longest two minutes, Luke heard sirens.
"IN HERE!" He shouted, hoping that the paramedics could hear him. Two females ran inside, asking questions.
"What happened?" The dark-haired paramedic asked.
"I-I don't know. I was dropping off mail and I found her like this!" Luke was now panicking. The blonde-haired paramedic did a sternum rub. Hailey stirred, which was good; she was responsive.
"Honey, can you hear me?" The paramedic asked. Hailey's eyes fluttered open, and she groaned. The dark-haired paramedic checked her eyes, "I'm Gabby, and that's Sylvie. Can you tell me what happened?" Hailey groaned again, fighting to stay awake. Her eyes fluttered between open and closed many times.
"Hey," Gabby shook Hailey awake after Hailey almost let the darkness overtake her, "Stay awake for me,"
Hailey tried. She really did, but the darkness was too strong to withstand. Hailey could see the light to the peacefulness. She could see the burden of Roy being carried off her shoulders. So, she let herself fall into the darkness.
"She's crashing!" Gabby shouted. She started chest compressions while Sylvie tried to intubate her.
"Gabby, I can't get a line in," Sylvie tried again. Luke, who'd they completely forgotten was in the room and was pinching off the artery, wanted to know what was going on.
"She's lost too much blood and is going into V-Fib. Brett, switch places with me on three. One, two, three," Sylvie quickly overtook Gabby's position, doing chest compressions. They needed her intubated, so Gabby tried. After a moment of trying, the line was in.
"I'm in," Gabby announced. She attached an ambo-bag to the tube and began squeezing it. Meanwhile, Sylvie had found something to pinch the artery off and had Luke do compressions while she set up the defibrillator.
"Clear?" She waited for them to step back and shocked Hailey. She pressed her fingers against the other side of Hailey's neck and got a pulse.
"I got a pulse, let's go! You can ride along if you want," Sylvie looked at Luke.
"I-I can't. I'm gonna leave now, wash up," He quickly left, and Gabby and Sylvie got Hailey into the ambulance.
"Brett," Gabby noticed that something looked familiar about the woman now that she looked, "This is Hailey Upton, CPD. Give Med a warning," Brett closed the doors, speaking into her radio.
"Chicago Med, coming with CPD detective. Have Dr. Rhodes ready at the entrance," She got into the driver's seat and started the quick route to Med. As Sylvie raced through the city to get to the hospital, the sirens blared, letting other people know to get out of the way. To Gabby, the ride couldn't be any longer. She continued to squeeze the bag, which was keeping Hailey alive. With her free hand, she secured the tube in Hailey's mouth to keep it from moving. As soon as the ambo stopped, Sylvie raced to help Gabby wheel the gurney into Med, where Connor Rhodes was waiting to hear what happened.
"Hailey Upton, 28, sliced artery. Coded once on scene, but we got a pulse back. Intubated on scene. Heart rate 61, BP 90/47," Gabby gave information to Dr. Rhodes, who took control of the gurney, leading it into a treatment room. A nurse took over bagging Hailey and the two paramedics left.
Connor checked her pulse, "Her pulse is weak. Transfuse two units of O negative blood," Connor checked her eyes and saw she had a minor concussion. He took off the clip that was pinching the artery in her throat to prevent it from spurting out blood. As soon as the pressure was released, the blood rushed out of her carotid. Connor was quick to pinch it again.
"Clamp," He ordered, and was given one. He clamped the artery, "Set up the Hybrid OR. That artery needs to be repaired now. April, call her emergency contact," April nodded and went to call Hailey's emergency contact, which she expected to be Jay. When she saw the name, she called Maggie.
"What's up, April?" Maggie greeted her.
"You know how Hailey's in here?" Maggie nodded, "I just checked her emergency contact. It's not Jay," She pointed to the name on the screen.
"Damn it. We can't call him," Maggie exhaled. The name on the screen read Rob Upton, Hailey's father. Anyone who looked at her file would know that Rob abused her as a child as well as her three brothers, Josh, John, and Jack.
"Call her mother," Maggie suggested. April shook her head, "No one's been able to contact her other than Hailey, and I have a feeling that she doesn't want to see her right now. You know, from her past? I'll call her brothers, since they're family,"
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Will was called into treating a patient who just entered the ER. After stabilizing the patient, Will ripped off his gloves. He went up to Maggie, asking, "Where's Rhodes?" He leaned against the desk. Maggie pushed him off, "First, don't lean on my desk, second, he's in surgery. Had to go into the Hybrid OR," A nurse came up to Maggie, "Maggie, Dr. Rhodes needs another doctor in the Hybrid OR. Can you spare someone to scrub in?"
"Let me see what I can do," Maggie started to shuffle through files. After thinking for a moment, Will took a deep breath, "I'll scrub in with Connor,"
"Will, you don't want to. Trust me," Maggie warned. She knew that he would freak out the second he knew it was his brother's girlfriend.
"Maggie, I was a surgeon before I became an ER doctor. I can do this," Will insisted. Since Maggie technically couldn't NOT let him, she allowed him. Will scrubbed in, but he didn't recognize Hailey yet. Connor was close to repairing the artery, he just needed a bit of assistance. It took a moment, but Will eventually recognized her.
"Hailey?" He paused what he was doing. Connor looked at him, "Will, come on, I thought Maggie told you?" Will was still frozen from shock, and Connor said, "Yes, it's Hailey. Focus on helping me repair the artery," That shook Will out of his trance, and he helped Connor. When they were done, Hailey was taken to the ICU and Will was pulled aside by Connor.
"Are you OK?" Connor started. He already knew the answer, but it was a way to get Will to talk.
"No. I'm not," Will muttered. Connor was taken aback. Will never said no to that question. He always said he was fine, even if he wasn't, which he wasn't normally.
"I know, Will, it's hard. But you have to be strong. Strong for her, she'll pull through," Connor placed his hand on Will's shoulder. He quickly pulled back his hand and stuffed both of them in his pocket. Will sat down, head in his hands.
"Is Jay her emergency contact?" Will asked, his voice a bit muffled. Connor shook his head, "No. It's her father, but-,"
"Her father?" Will shouted, "You can't call him! Do you know what he's done to her?" He stood up, tempted to square up with Connor. He knew it would get him in trouble, but there was no way in hell that he was going to allow Connor to call Rob. Connor held his hands up, showing that he didn't want to start a fight.
"If you listened to me, I was going to say that April and Maggie both agreed to call her brothers. They're on the next plane to Chicago," Connor stated. Will groaned, "Thank God. Sorry, Connor, I just-,"
"No need to apologize. I would be acting the same if it happened to me,"
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While Connor was comforting Will, Natalie Manning was doing rounds on her patients, and didn't expect to see an intubated Hailey in the ICU. So, of course, when she saw her, she went to Will, and Connor had left by this time. When she told Will, he said, "Yeah, I know," He explained everything that happened and then asked her a favour he needed, "I-I need a favour. Can you help me tell Jay? It's just-," He broke off, scared of her answer.
"Of course. Anything you need," Natalie kissed his cheek, "When do you want to tell him?" She whispered softly in his ear.
"I don't know," Will shrugged, "I should probably do it now," He pulled out his phone, but didn't unlock it yet. Thankfully, Natalie knew his password, so she gently took it out of his hands and put in the passcode. She scrolled down his contacts until she found Jay and asked Will one more thing, "You sure you want to do it now?"
"Yeah," Will said. Natalie hit the call button on Jay's number and put it on speaker after closing the door. The phone dialled for a moment and after 2 rings, Jay picked up.
"What do you need, Will?" Jay asked. He sounded tired but tried to hide it.
"Um, Hailey's in the hospital here at Med," Will clearly had a tough time just telling his brother this.
"What? What for?" Jay sounded worried but relieved that she was in his brother's hands. Will was frozen, he just couldn't tell Jay what had happened.
"Before you worry, Jay, she's in great hands," Natalie started. She looked at Will, who nodded and went ahead to tell Jay what happened, "Hailey was brought in a few hours ago with a sliced artery. We have no estimate of how long she was bleeding out, but she lost a lot of blood. Dr. Rhodes repaired the artery, but the next 24 hours are critical. She's doing good right now, and Connor's hopeful she'll make it through the night. We don't know what happened, but we'll have Dr. Charles talk to her when she wakes up. I think she'd like it if you came as soon as you can,"
Natalie paused to see if Jay had any questions, but they had no reply.
"Jay? You still there?" Natalie asked. She heard him clear his throat.
"Sorry, yeah," He answered, "I'll be there in 10 minutes," He hung up without saying anything else, and Will sat down. Natalie rubbed his back in attempt to comfort him, "I'm gonna check on Hailey and then wait for Jay," She left and went to the ICU. Natalie peeked inside her room and was satisfied with the numbers on Hailey's monitors.
She went to the ED, where she saw Jay entering. Once he saw her, he asked, "Where is she?"
"Follow me," Natalie led him to Hailey's room. She let him have time alone with her and left. Jay sat down in a chair, taking her hand.
"Hailey, I love you so much. Please, hang on, for me, for the unit, for everyone," He didn't say anything else, but just sat there for 10 minutes. After those ten minutes went by, he stood up and left.
After Jay left Hailey's room, he went to her apartment. Jay wanted to find out why she came into the hospital with a sliced artery. The door wasn't locked, so Jay opened it and saw a puddle of blood. Taking heavy breaths, he explored the rest of the apartment, and it wasn't until he reached her room, he found something that may have been useful. Pulling on a pair of gloves, he picked up a bloodied envelope with his name on it. Before he opened it, he called Voight.
"Voight," Jay heard the all-too-familiar voice.
"It's Jay. I'm in Hailey's apartment and I found an envelope with my name on it," Jay explained.
"Open it," Voight ordered. Jay opened it and started reading the letter aloud.
Dear Jay, or whomever found this letter,
By the time you find this, I'll already be dead. I'll be away from the torture I've been living with for far too long. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused all of you, especially you, Jay.
I love you so damn much, but I can't live anymore. I wish what we had could have gone further. I wish we could have gotten married and have children. But I know that if I did, I wouldn't be able to live happily, even with all the love you show me every day. To know what I did, and carry it for the rest of my life, it would be unbearable. And it wouldn't be fair to you if you never knew what was upsetting me some days and that I was holding such a large secret away from you. To be married to such a perfect man like you, I can't hold secrets from you. To be married means that all the holes that may have been in a relationship were filled. To be married means to talk about your problems. I can't be the woman you deserve. I hope that you can find someone who makes you feel loved, special, important, everything I couldn't give you.
This had already been killing me for weeks, I only ended the pain I've been suffering. I know that by doing this, I am causing everyone who ever loved me pain. I know that everyone knows that something's been wrong, and I've been shutting everyone out. I just needed time to myself. To figure out how I want to spend the rest of my life. And I've decided. I don't want to spend the rest of my life. I don't deserve to live.
Please, Jay, move on away from me. Don't miss me. Just know that the actions I did today had more pros than cons, and I've weighed those multiple times. Know that I am in a better place in heaven, or hell at this rate, than in jail, paying for my actions for the rest of my life. This way, no one ends up behind bars. I'm sorry, Jay, I love you, but you deserve better than me.
-Hailey Anne Upton, 1993-2021