CHAPTER 5

Ralph's kitchen was mighty cold and drafty from the window he'd left open all night. Ludwig stood shivering in his jogging gear, ready to leave as he scrolled through the call log on his phone. The history of all his failed attempts to reach Ralph's number stared back at him.

He knew he was going to pay dearly for being such a clingy, annoying boyfriend who couldn't even let his partner enjoy a week off with friends. Once in the morning, afternoon, and evening—for all he knew, Ralph was ignoring him on purpose. But ever since he returned from that trip to the pharmacy, Ludwig was determined to get answers.

Today, however, Ralph picked up on the third ring.

"What?"

He did not sound at all happy for the interruption in whatever he'd been doing. Far too worked up by his own frustrations as of late, Ludwig barely remembered to feel guilty about it.

"My card was declined." He spoke quickly in case Ralph decided to hang up. "Two days ago, when I tried to use it. Do you know anything about that?"

"Oh." There was a flurry of voices in the background, laughing and speaking unintelligibly. "Yeah, I changed the limit."

Ludwig stumbled over his own breath in surprise. "W-what?" He was prepared to battle denial, or anger at his audacity to make such accusations. He hadn't expected Ralph to confess so casually. "When?"

"Uhh, right before I left? Can't remember exactly, to be hon—"

"Why?" Despite the freezing room, Ludwig felt his body temperature increase in tandem with his quickly mounting fury. "Why did you do that? You know I haven't been splurging on 'frivolous things', as you put it. You always check my transaction records."

"Relax, babe, I know you haven't. But you're buying way too much shit at CVS these days and I don't like it."

"I go twice a month for things we both use! What about groceries? How am I supposed to buy food or other essentials?"

"Stop acting like I'm starving you, Jesus! There's tons of groceries in the fridge to last you till I get back... but let's be real here. You've been popping those pills like crazy recently, don't think I haven't noticed."

"That's because I'm getting severe, debilitating headaches and I can't help it sometimes."

"Oh come on, babe. They're just headaches, don't be such a pussy about it."

"I'm serious, they're really bad and make me nauseous and I can barely sleep because of it."

"Well maybe if you stopped depending so much on drugs and chilled the fuck out for a day or two then they wouldn't be so 'debilitating'," Ralph snapped, mockingly distorting the word. "You'll be fine, everyone gets headaches now and then. But I'm still worried about you, given your family record and everything—"

"Stop! Please, you—" Ludwig's hand began to shake with the effort of keeping his phone pressed to his ear. "You promised not to—"

"I know, I know, but that's the whole reason behind all this, isn't it?"

"I thought we agreed not to bring my family into our personal problems—"

"It's not like any of you can help it," Ralph continued. "You studied science so you know better than anyone, all that shared genetics crap."

"I studied electrical engineering," Ludwig managed between gritted teeth. He hated the way his voice wobbled, to the point where there was no way Ralph hadn't picked up on it. "If you ever cared to listen once—"

"Yeah, but that's not the point now, is it? If your brother's prone to addiction then so are you. I'm doing this for your own good, babe. You'll thank me later when you're not shooting up under a bridge ten years down the line. Gotta run now, don't do anything stupid till I'm back."

The line was cut before Ralph even finished speaking his last word. Ludwig stood with the silence blasting in his ear, feeling like he was going to be sick all over the waxed hardwood floor.

He had just over an hour left to go on his jog. He was supposed to meet with Ivan later at 10, and he had no reason to feel guilty about it because it was to pay him back for the CVS incident. He also had no reason to show up looking like shit, just because Ralph said some things that weren't anything new.

How pathetic, sneered the Ralph-like voice in his head. Can't even handle a bit of truth.

The burn in the back of his eyes was a familiar one, including the way it slowly spread to his sinuses and down his throat until he was practically being suffocated by his own tears which he refused to shed. He dropped onto the couch nearby and dug his nails into the meat of his thighs until the pain became too much to ignore.

~0~

"Well then. I suppose all that," Ivan said brightly, nodding to the money on their table, "is no longer necessary."

"Right." Ludwig hastily retracted his hand from Ivan's long-lasting shake. He busied himself with collecting the change he brought, feeling rather embarrassed for reasons he didn't quite know why.

On one hand, he was relieved he could return the cash back to his emergency stash hidden behind the towels in Ralph's bathroom. On the other hand, a part of his instincts wrung uncomfortable knots in his chest. No matter how they tried to dress it, there was no denying that he still owed Ivan, and Ludwig couldn't shake the worry that it would come back to bite him one day.

He chanced a look up at Ivan, who was busy taking a long sip of his cappuccino. Their eyes met, and Ludwig saw Ivan smile in the way his eyes crinkled at the edges and cheeks lifted behind the rim of his cup. Smile back, he thought to himself. Quickly, you moron, before you make it more awkward.

"So what do you do besides visit cafes you've never been to?" Ludwig asked, trying to divert some of Ivan's attention away from his face. "This place isn't easy to find."

"Believe it or not, I Googled it," Ivan answered. "I was taking a walk and this was the closest shop. People said I should try new things, so I am trying."

"That's brave of you," Ludwig said lightly. "I can't imagine a life beyond a routine I'm familiar with."

"Routine is great," Ivan agreed. "It's what I'm used to as well. But then life becomes too boring, you know?"

Ludwig shrugged. "Boring is safe."

"But it's boring," Ivan said, sighing. Ludwig fought to keep his mirth under control.

"What do you do for fun, then?" he asked. "I can't exactly see you playing video games."

"Oh!" Ivan perked up at that. "A good friend of mine said I should build a computer. He made me a list of everything I need... but if I'm being honest, it looks too complicated."

"Build one?" Ludwig was suddenly reminded of his college friends, one of whom was famous for diverting a quarter of his student loans into the most extravagant gaming setup Ludwig had ever seen in his life. "Why not just buy a pre-built one?"

"I'm afraid I let him inspire me a little too much sometimes," Ivan admitted, scratching his head. "He's a young friend, very ambitious. His father owns a really good Chinese restaurant near my house and it's hard to avoid his suggestions."

"If it's just a basic PC, it's not difficult once you understand what the parts do," Ludwig said. "Do you have the list?"

After scrolling through his phone, Ivan passed it along to Ludwig who nearly choked on his own spit upon seeing the block of text on the screen.

"I see," Ludwig uttered, coughing. "Ambitious indeed."

"It's too much, right? He says if I'm going to build, I must do it properly or not at all. I think maybe it's better to buy a Nintendo Switch..."

"Um, here." Ludwig hesitated, before carefully picking up Ivan's phone. "A lot of these accessories are purely cosmetic. You don't need them to make a functioning PC. I'll just..." He tapped through the list until it was about half of its original length and returned it to Ivan. "This will be more manageable. You also don't need such a large screen at 8K resolution. Any standard full HD monitor with a decent refresh rate will be able to handle most games. If you're looking for a more prestigious gaming experience, I'd recommend 120Hz as the maximum. Don't bother going higher than that unless you really have nothing to spend your money on."

"Wow," Ivan said, peering down at his freshly pruned list and then back up to Ludwig in awe. "I didn't know you were so knowledgeable in gaming computers."

"I'm not," Ludwig stammered. "Anyone could figure it out with some YouTube tutorials. I also had friends like yours, who loved games."

Had. He'd used past tense without even realizing it. At some point, they'd all drifted apart and Ludwig knew he couldn't contact them again lest he invoked Ralph's anger. It was strange though, because despite this he'd never thought of his friends as something he no longer had. He wondered if they even still considered him a friend. He wondered if it was simply time that drifted them apart. Or was it just himself who had drifted away?

He didn't have to ask such a question to know the answer. It was probably too late to try and fix those friendships now, anyway. They most likely hated him at worst, or forgot about him at best. Hoping for small blessings was just how Ludwig spent his days nowadays, and even then at times he still felt like a fool.

"It really does feel like it's taking over the world," Ivan was saying. "The technology is evolving too fast for me. Sometimes I feel a little intimidated by it."

"Like you're being left behind," said Ludwig, softly. "No one ever waits for you to catch up."

"I'm glad you understand," Ivan said. "I'm not saying it is bad; there are so many amazing things being made and I'm always excited to see what's next. It just means I have less time to enjoy moments where I can sit down and think of nothing but trivial things."

"That's why I read these." Ludwig pulled out The Adventures of Tom Sawyer from where he'd kept it resting on his lap. "They're simple stories for children. They're familiar, and for a moment I can worry about problems that aren't mine."

"A lovely idea," Ivan said brightly. "I'm afraid I don't have many books at my house. I guess I should visit the library soon."

"See if you'll still want to go after you've built that PC," Ludwig joked. "When I was in college, my friend had me play shooters and I got so addicted that I almost failed an exam. I made sure we never studied in his dorm after that, in case we got distracted again."

"Oh no, what if I get addicted? I don't want to become a slob."

For the second time that day, Ludwig bit down a laugh. "Don't worry, it's not like you try it once and then you're hooked forever. Just as long as you take breaks and have some self control..."

He trailed off, suddenly recalling the story Gilbert had told him in the sandwich shop about his arrested neighbor. In the wake of Gilbert's face at the forefront of his mind, all he could think about was Ralph's words this morning.

Given your family record and everything...

There were several subjects Ludwig vowed to never breach in conversation, whether it be with Ralph or Gilbert or... well, that about concluded the list of people he ever conversed with. And just like that, he could no longer remember why he thought talking so casually with Ivan about this was a good idea. It was never his plan to, but the topic just happened to trickle this way. Don't start shit, was Ralph's favorite quote to his rivals back in college. Ludwig found that this was a good motto to live by, one that kept him out of trouble or at least prevented the fires from spreading.

But here he was with Ivan and at some point, he'd stopped mentally proofreading his words before speaking. This realization jolted a current of fear down his spine. Had he accidentally given away something personal? Or worse, said something to offend Ivan?

Just as Ludwig teetered closer to the brink of a discreet internal meltdown, Ivan suddenly guffawed. "Self control!" he exclaimed. "You should see me eat at Wang's. He's always on my case about it too. But I'm only joking about it, I can control myself no problem if I want to. People always tell me I'm built different."

"I've no doubt you are." Judging by the man's laid back demeanor, it seemed unlikely Ludwig had slipped up. Then again, Ivan could simply be very good at hiding his true thoughts and feelings. He scrutinized every detail of Ivan's lazy grin to spot even the smallest hint of deception, but couldn't find anything.

Perhaps he'd been overreacting, just a little. It was bizarre to think that he'd slipped so easily, and on top of that, he'd been having... fun. Talking to Ivan was pleasant, and Ludwig discovered that he didn't have to try very hard to appease the man. He brought a very rare type of social interaction to their coffee date, which was one that didn't feel like a game where Ludwig was always set up to fail.

Oh no. Oh God. Ludwig had to backtrack his thoughts in complete mortification. This was no date, how ludicrous. There was something wrong with him, after all. No sane person would go out for coffee with a guy once and think—

His phone buzzed loudly against the hardcover of his book that pressed against his pocket. Since Ivan was reaching out to take another sip of his coffee, Ludwig took the chance to check what it was. When he saw his brother's name stamped across the screen, he lowered it and pretended he didn't see it until the buzzing stopped.

It did. He wished he had bought himself a drink, something to help dislodge the rock that seemed to manifest in his throat whenever he ignored Gilbert.

"I am thinking next time we try a frappuccino," Ivan said, who was now peering over his shoulder back at the blackboard menu. "Given that it's not too cold for one, of course."

"It's never too cold for a frappuccino," Ludwig murmured, distracted by the fact that Gilbert hadn't tried to call again. Ivan beamed.

"Very true! I've seen it everywhere but never bothered to buy it. I love sweet things."

"You won't be disappointed," Ludwig said absentmindedly, startling when his phone produced a short buzz. A single text. He had fully intended on ignoring it, but Ludwig knew that Gilbert never sent insulting texts in one measly delivery. The brevity in itself was enough reason for Ludwig to grimace apologetically at Ivan before glancing down at his phone again, half-dreading to find out what could be serious enough for his brother's lack of spamming.

I gave Jones your number. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Ludwig read the words over and over again, trying to decipher exactly how he felt about this revelation. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't feeling a little betrayed. Only Ralph and Gilbert knew of his number, and Ludwig had made Gilbert promise not to tell anyone what it was.

Well. Ralph and Gilbert, and now Ivan too. But he didn't count, because Ivan had no part to play in the trainwreck that was his current situation.

Why did you do that? Ludwig texted back, although he couldn't muster the anger he wanted to shield himself with. He knew Gilbert was never the best at keeping secrets. He also knew that he couldn't keep his old friends cut off like this forever, but Ludwig wasn't sure if he could bear to see familiar faces right now.

Wouldn't shut the fuck up til I did. Said he's calling you in about five minutes.

Ludwig shoved his phone back into his pocket and said, "Sorry, but I have to go."

To his dismay, Ivan looked crestfallen. For a moment Ludwig panicked, trying to see how he could backtrack and make it so that Ivan wouldn't be angry. But the man simply shrugged and said, "That's okay. I've kept you for too long, anyway."

"I really enjoyed this," said Ludwig, sincerely. "Thank you again for everything."

"I haven't done very much." Ivan stood up to let Ludwig out of his cramped corner. "Thank you for the coffee and pastries, it was delicious. I hope we can do this again."

"Yes," Ludwig said immediately, and then felt his face heat with how desperate he sounded. "I mean, I would like that. I don't know when but... I'll text you."

Ivan smiled his signature smile, the one Ludwig was quickly growing to enjoy seeing on the man's face—especially when it was directed at him. He found his eyes wanting to linger there, to soak in the man's cheery attitude, listening to him speak of the trivial things he supposedly cherished.

But time was running out, and he would hate himself for thinking such things later. He all but power walked out of the shop and broke off into a run so that he'd be well out of sight should Ivan decide to leave and wander around the street. He didn't know why he was in such a hurry to hide, but he felt like he had to. Being alone would be the safest, most risk-free way to handle whatever came at him next—

When his phone started buzzing in his hands with an unfamiliar number, Ludwig very nearly missed picking it up in time. "Hello?" he answered once he achieved sufficient distance from the café, his calm voice starkly contrasting the roar of his thundering heart. The vertigo from having been so abruptly jolted out his quiet, cozy environment with Ivan was unpleasant, but Ludwig regained footing with each purposeful step he took.

"Oh my God, you're alive!" Alfred sounded just as boisterous and energetic as the first day they'd met, assigned as presentation partners in their introductory chemistry course. "I thought the FBI wiped you off the grid for good! Or maybe the aliens had kidnapped you!"

"Um, no." Ludwig looked both ways before crossing the street to the bus stop. "Haven't seen any FBI or aliens around."

"Jeez! It's been like—what, almost a year since we last spoke? And that's all you gotta say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry," Ludwig rushed to say. "I really am. I've been so busy and it's been hard to keep in touch. I know everyone must be incredibly angry—"

"Breathe, my guy," Alfred cut in. "No one's angry, I'm just kidding you. I totally get it—'course I do! It sucks to say so, but we're all officially grownups with lives to live and shit happens sometimes."

"Yeah," Ludwig whispered as he leaned against the foggy wall of the bus stop shelter to catch his breath. "Shit happens."

"I mean, hell. I still can't get used to the jet lag and Arthur gets really annoyed when I go a while without calling. He's been like this ever since I started flying commercials. And it gets worse the further up north you go, y'know? Crazy how daylight works up there."

"How is Arthur? I haven't seen him since he came to our graduation."

"Still grumpy, still British. Hasn't changed at all." Alfred snorted fondly, as if he was remembering quaint things about his boyfriend as he talked. "He's working on his Master's back at Oxford because he's psycho. Nevermind him, how 'bout you? How've you been holding up?"

"Work is hectic," Ludwig lied. "But it's nothing compared to your job, you must be so exhausted. I'm doing great, really."

The pause on the other line must have been due to a simple delay in the audio transmission, and not because Alfred noticed the way he nearly choked on his last sentence.

"Dude! Fucking right? At least someone understands! I've only been doing this for about a year or so but lemme tell you, it takes a toll on the body."

"I'm sure Arthur understands too," said Ludwig, clearing his throat surreptitiously. "He's probably just worried when you go too long without checking in."

"Like, don't get me wrong—it's super cool travelling to all sorts of places around the world. But I kinda miss my early domestic days, 'cause I had way more time to spend with friends and family in between. Ain't no such thing as a circadian rhythm for me anymore. Actually, it's kinda like being back in college! We'd stay up for days studying for those exams, remember? Well you were, at least; I was too busy playing on Kiku's godly gaming PC."

"Of course." Ludwig couldn't help the twitch of his mouth as he thought back to the sleepless nights he'd spent with everyone cramming for their finals. "It's funny, I was just thinking of Kiku's setup earlier." He also remembered the exact day in which Alfred had hurled his three-hundred dollar fluid dynamics textbook out the dorm window to announce that he was dropping out. Ludwig continued to meet up with him occasionally on the weekends in their favorite pub, until they shared their final beer on the night Alfred became a full-fledged pilot.

That night was special for more than just Alfred, because Ludwig had moved in with Ralph that very same night. Almost immediately after the day in which Gilbert had threatened to never speak to him again, Ludwig had gone to drown his sorrows in beer and Alfred's celebratory cheer. Thinking back on it now, that brief period of time had been a defining moment in both their lives, events which had separated them both physically and metaphorically in a cruel sort of way. While Alfred took to the skies to pursue his true passions, Ludwig had plummeted to the bowels of the grave he'd dug for himself, buried deep in the pit of his own shortcomings.

"Okay, so look." The faint sound of street traffic was bleeding through the speaker as Alfred spoke. "I'll be in DC for three days before we leave for Cancún. I already talked to the other guys but I also wanted to see you at least once before I fuck off for God knows how long again. We'll have dinner at Gilbert's tomorrow at six o'clock sharp, how's that sound?"

"Wait, what?" Ludwig was rudely snapped out of his reminiscing back into cold reality. "I don't think my brother will—"

"Don't worry, I already talked to him about it. He even said he'd grill up some steaks he had! Can't wait, dude. It's been so long since I've had any of Gilbert's cooking. Remember how he used to make those hamburgers for us in the summer?"

"Gilbert said what?" Ludwig was finding it harder and harder to believe the sounds that were coming from the tinny speaker of his phone. "When did he agree to this?"

"Uhhh, 'bout five minutes ago? Wasn't much convincing to do, though. I suggested we have dinner and he just said 'no problemo mi amigo'!"

Ludwig seriously doubted that was a direct quote out of Gilbert's mouth, but the more pressing issue was why his brother even gave an affirmative in the first place. Sure, spending all his days in Ralph's home had distorted Ludwig's perception of time, but their disastrous sandwich encounter was still fresh in his mind and the same would apply for Gilbert. Perhaps he just wanted another excuse to see Ludwig so that he could continue on from that day. Gilbert was definitely not one to behave himself around guests, so Alfred's presence would likely not deter any insults he had brewing for his younger brother.

"So, how 'bout it?" Alfred sounded far too eager for Ludwig to muster the courage to decline. "Come on, man! I haven't seen you in foreeeeverrrr!"

"Okay," Ludwig said wearily. "I'll be there."

"Of course you will!" Alfred yelled. "Yay, I can't wait to see you guys again!"

All things considered, it was best that he saw Alfred now while Ralph was away. It was easier to hide things when he had an entire week to make up a convincing itinerary, one that Ralph would like hearing about. The usual guilt of lying to his boyfriend was an ever-present thorn in his side, but there was nothing wrong with wanting to see his brother and an old friend.

Alfred was just a friend, as was Ivan. He had nothing to be ashamed of.