By that point, she should've been desensitized. She should've been so used to the heartache, that it shouldn't sting anymore. Her birth parents, countless foster parents, Carla, Michael, Birkhoff, they had all left her. Nikita shouldn't have been able to feel the gut-wrenching pain it caused anymore. She should just reset her shoulders, lift her chin, ignore the ache in her heart, and continue on as though nothing had ever happened. Everything was always too much. It constantly felt like she couldn't breathe. So why couldn't she simply move forward and keep treading water. Why did she have to be dragged down by the waves and drown.
She wasn't going to find any answers while she was forced to be with Amanda. Nikita's brown eyes were downcast, unwilling to look at herself in the vanity mirror. She also wouldn't relax, her body curled in on itself despite the cramped position. The other woman didn't mind as she moved around her. She simply fussed with the dark locks of the young agent's hair. The only sounds in the room were the snip of scissors and the quiet hum that was Division. No one spoke- Nikita afraid to, not wanting her thoughts to slip out. Amanda had to break the silence nearly an eternity later, "There. All perfect. Now you'll remember to tie your hair up before a mission."
Glancing briefly at her reflection, Nikita wasn't a fan of what she saw. Her hair wasn't the issue. Amanda had to cut and restyle it after Michael's bullet ripped through the strands. When she was done with it, the dark locks fell in layers above her shoulders and she even sported bangs. It was shorter than the young agent was used to, yet, again, that wasn't what made her upset. She hated herself and the lost look in her eyes. She would've smashed the mirror to pieces if she could, never have to look at herself ever again. Instead, she hung her head and sighed, "Yeah. That was pretty stupid, huh?"
Rushing to Michael thinking he would involve her in his roguish schemes really was stupid. Why would he take her with him. She didn't mean anything to him; he had said as much when he shot at her. He only wanted the super hacker on his side, and he got his wish. Nikita was left in their dust, their friendship shattering on the ground. At least it felt that way when her heart dropped at the sight of them leaving. Maybe she was only overreacting. She tended to do that at times. She was drawing way more conclusions than there needed to be. Even if Amanda saw it too, "There's nothing stupid about grieving your friends' absence."
"They went rogue. How good of friends can they be?" Nikita snapped to her feet and pulled away from Amanda. She didn't need comfort; she simply had to get over herself. Michael and Birkhoff left her in Division, despite knowing what that place did to her. Her heart shouldn't be broken over the matter. It wasn't worth it. They didn't deserve that kind of grief. It was simply another instance where she had to take a breath and shove it all aside. She had done it before, she could do it again. What was one more thing to add to her list of heartache.
"They made you laugh. And I know you still rather be around them than Kelly," Amanda wouldn't give up on the topic, however. She didn't chase after Nikita, yet her icy blue gaze was set firmly on her back. The young agent couldn't help but stop in her tracks. She was right. Even after everything, she'd rush to Michael's and Birkhoff's side before going on another mission with Kelly. If that made her a traitorous rogue also, then so be it. She'd gladly take the punishment. She wanted it.
"Yeah, well, she's a bitch," Turning back to her superior, Nikita held her chin high in haughty defiance. Let her sharp tongue get her in trouble. Let her refusal to follow Division's asinine rules leave her for dead. She didn't care. What was even the point, anyway. Why should she keep fighting to live when no one had ever deemed her worth living for. She was always cast aside. She was always left behind. Something else was bound to be more important than her. Well then, if she didn't matter, so didn't her actions. She was inconsequential. Division could swallow her whole and no one would care.
"She is rough around the edges. But so are you," Chuckling softly, Amanda attempted to lighten the mood. She was only met with a blank stare. Sighing, she slowly approached Nikita. The young agent didn't flinch or move away. She stubbornly held her ground, unwilling to be shaken from her stance. Her superior was willing to put up a fight, however. Amanda wouldn't allow her to slip from her grasp, "Getting burned when you open your heart hurts. It's what makes us grow another protective layer. No one can hurt us if they can't get past our walls."
"Is that your expert opinion?" Nikita knew she sounded like a brat. She hadn't talked back to Amanda like that since she was a recruit. She had more or less grown out of that idiotic rebellion when she became an agent and spent more time with Michael and Birkhoff. Except, she couldn't help herself in that moment. So much hatred was boiling inside of her that it had to be lashed out somewhere. Her thoughts were already belittling her very existence; her words needed to find another target. The ice cold woman was their only option.
Amanda took the biting comment in stride. The amount of times she had heard that response from recruits and agents whenever she attempted to comfort them could fill a book. Trust was always hard fought inside Division. However, it was worth the effort. Nikita was just a tougher nut to crack than others. A person would get past one wall, only to find thousands others. Amanda simply had to keep digging, get her to see that they weren't different. In fact, the two could be seen as the same in certain lights, "From experience, yes."
"Now you're gonna tell me all about how men suck and us women have to stick together. I get it, alright. There's a reason Division outlaws personal attachments. We can't cry whenever we have to pull the trigger," Rolling her eyes, Nikita huffed and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. She wasn't going to cry over Birkhoff and Michael leaving, that moment had long passed. However, she wasn't certain if she would pull the trigger if she ever saw them again. She knew that was her orders- that was everybody's orders- but for a multitude of reasons she didn't think she could harm the two. Their time together had to have meant something.
"Men do suck, I won't lie to you there. But the reason we don't want personal attachments isn't just because your head needs to be clear on a mission. It's also to protect your heart. We don't want our agents hurt. I don't want to see you hurt," Softening her gaze, Amanda closed the gap between them. Nikita's tense hold loosened against her will. A part of her really wanted to believe her superior. After all, wasn't that what Michael had preached. He had cared about the recruits, maybe Percy and Amanda did too- in their own weird way. No, that couldn't have been right. In what world did egotistical monsters care.
"Yeah, right. It's all about Division, never the agents. We're always hurting. We just suffer and do. We don't get what we want," Quickly, Nikita shook away the effects of Amanda's lie and pulled away from her. She wasn't going to get swept in. Her stance had to hold firm. She didn't care; she was ready to drift. Division couldn't use her for their countless missions anymore. She wasn't their chew toy they could throw around and spit up. She wasn't anyone. It was better just to let go and drown.
"And what is it that you want?" Amanda asked. Her tone was difficult to discern. It appeared almost stern, an order that the young agent answer her immediately. However, her gaze held warm and soft. She seemed to genuinely want to know how Nikita felt. The young woman fought with herself to not fall for the look in those blue eyes. She was aware of how deceiving they could be; though, she was also aware of how kind her superior had been to her. She offered her time off, she helped her see her potential, she actually gave her a cake on her birthday. It couldn't have been all a lie- could it have been.
Although Nikita's tense stance and stubborn hold melted, she maintained her distance. She knew better than to fall so easily. It wasn't as though she hadn't been burned before. Except, had she actually been burned by Amanda. Besides terrible ops and senseless mind games (that could easily be blamed on Percy and Division as a whole) she hadn't done anything to hurt the young agent. It was all ill feelings that could be resolved if they actually talked to one another. The words slipped past Nikita's tongue without any further thought. They were barely a whisper, just a plea on a held breath, "To go home."
Silence followed the confession. Nikita panicked for a quick second over what that could mean. Could that have been it for her. She didn't go out screaming and cussing, but because she expressed what was deep within her heart. That did seem more accurate for Division. However, the young agent's admission wasn't what gave Amanda pause. It just took her a second to register the hardly spoken words. Once she did, though, she nodded, "You don't want to go on another honeytrap mission? I understand that. No one wants a man touching them after a long day. I'm sure Kelly will gladly take your place on the op. You can rest until we need you again."
It wasn't exactly what Nikita wanted. She didn't want one mission off, she wanted all of them off. Except, both she and Amanda knew that was the best she was going to receive. After her debrief over her failed mission to kill Michael, she was handed yet another operation. She had a few days to prepare for it, but it was still a gross seduction op she didn't want to go on. She shouldn't have to after all she had done. Shouldn't she be allowed to rest as well. Though, things didn't go that simply for her. She was meant to suffer. That kind of offer had never existed for her before, "Just like that?"
"Just like that," Amanda smiled warmly. In disbelief, a slight gasp escaped the young agent. There was no way she actually got what she wanted, not within Division. Yet Amanda didn't take it all back. She just stepped forward and tucked Nikita's newly short hair behind her ear, "Nikita, I was serious when I said you could come to me for anything. If you need a break, you can take a breather outside of Division's walls. If you need a moment to rant and scream, you can talk my ear off. And if you need support, I'm always here for you. You're not alone here without your friends. You can always come to me."
The back of Nikita's mind screamed at her to run away. She was in Division, even something like a break had monstrous strings attached. She was allowing herself to be sucked in instead of continuing to fight, to accept that she didn't matter. But Amanda was showing her real care. All the other times she had been shown that kind of affection, it had been fleeting. The ones who cared for her always left, even if they promised to stay. Amanda wasn't going anywhere, however. Nikita at least had to be grateful for that, "Thanks. For the break and the haircut."
"Of course. I can't have someone I care about walk around with uneven layers and split ends," Instead of replying sincerely, Amanda played off the lightness Nikita ended with. The young agent smiled and chuckled. Her deafening thoughts and emotions of betrayal, hurt, loss, and hatred began to quiet. It wasn't all bad. Maybe she had been overreacting. She was still there after everyone else had left, but that wasn't an atrocious thing. It just meant she was stronger, more resilient. She wouldn't have been sent on all those missions if it weren't true. And Amanda wouldn't have fought for her as much as she did if her potential for greatness wasn't real.
"Then you should definitely bring Kelly in here," Smile brightening, Nikita quipped. A burst of laughter erupted out of Amanda, her surprise at the joke taking over. She certainly wasn't expecting that. However, the suddenness made the two laugh harder. It was a shockingly bright moment that pierced the darkness that had enveloped the young agent. She felt more sturdy and calm. She felt like her feet were steadily on the ground. The fact that Amanda was one to help her settle didn't sit right with Nikita, but she didn't have any other option to latch onto. She held tightly to the feeling the conversation gave her, determined to never let go.