No, no, no, no, no. That couldn't have been right. That wasn't possible. She left her with a family friend. He swore he would protect her. He promised no harm would come to her. She had saved her. She was safe and sound and alive. So how the hell was she in Division. How the hell did Alexandra Udinov end up in Division. Nikita couldn't wrap her head around it. It didn't make sense. Alexandra was supposed to have stayed safe. She was supposed to live a better life than her. She was supposed to have been free of all the pain the world had inflicted on her. Why the hell was she in the very place that tried to destroy her.
Maybe Nikita was simply seeing things that weren't there. Alex was a common name, and a troubled girl with a terrible past was Division's favorite kind of agent. The fact that she was an illegal Eastern European immigrant was strange, but the black ops group had had stranger. Nikita simply took Amanda's words and twisted them. So what if she and the new recruit were alike. That didn't make her Alexandra Udinov. Besides, how could Division recruit a former target and not know her real identity. That would've been ridiculous. Alex wasn't Alexandra. There was no possible way that was true.
Blaming hellish missions for the heart-stopping thoughts that were crashing through her mind was the simple solution. Her emotions had been all over the place since her recent encounter with Michael and Birkhoff. She must've finally snapped and fully gone insane. She was drawing parallels and conclusions after briefly talking to the new recruit, just because Amanda insinuated that they were similar. Nikita had to shake those thoughts loose. She couldn't allow them to drown her like so many other thoughts had. There wasn't any weight to them. Her assumption was wrong.
God, she needed to be wrong about Alexandra. What could she even do if she was right. No, she wasn't right. Alexandra was safe. Nikita had made sure of that. Maybe Kelly should've welcomed the new recruit instead of her. She didn't want to involve herself, anyway. And the hell she was experiencing afterwards wasn't worth it. Amanda should've asked Kelly to step up and lead. She wasn't doing that great on her missions anyway- those who couldn't do should teach. It might finally get her off of Nikita's back. She had been relentless recently, "Why is it that you always get the fun missions?"
"Yes, because facing certain death is such a joy to experience," Grumbling, Nikita tried to ignore Kelly. She had just debriefed with Percy after yet another assassination op. She didn't want to talk to a partner she hadn't worked with in months. As the young agent's stardom rose, her partner was left in her dust. She probably should've cared about that more than she did; she and Kelly could've considered each other friends at some point. But Nikita was done with close connections. She just wanted her and everyone else to go away.
"Oh, come on. Assassinations are always so much better than counterintel," Kelly didn't catch Nikita's hint, however. She kind of didn't want to. She followed the rising star as she made her way through the training room, complaining about yet another boring intel mission. Kill jobs always had more action and risk involved than downloading something from a computer. Who cared about the spy game and being a ghost, when you could be loud and brash and make a statement. That was the best part of running free from the basement. At least, to Kelly it was.
"If only your skills were that much better," Nikita bit. It was a low blow, but she'd say anything to make Kelly disappear. It also wasn't as though she was wrong. Her partner's skills were better suited for the smaller missions. She wasn't cancel worthy, but she definitely couldn't handle leading a large mission. Nikita dropped that information with a shrug and continued walking away as if her words didn't have consequences. Kelly immediately lunged. She meant to tackle the rising star and break apart her ego. Yet the young agent was too quick. Countering the attack, she slammed her former partner onto the mat, "Don't talk about things you don't know."
Kelly struggled to break the grip, but she was stuck to the mat. Even while exhausted, Nikita had the better of her. She had to tap the ground to make the young agent let go. Huffing, she got to her feet and shoved Nikita. Kelly probably should've let it go, but she couldn't take the superiority the rising star held over Division. Who cared if she was Amanda's favorite. She wasn't a god. There were definitely ways to make her bleed and fall from grace, "Ever since your last encounter with Michael, you've changed. You're bitchier."
"You've been a constant idiot since Turkey, but you don't hear me say anything," Turning her back on her former partner, Nikita attempted to keep the emotion out of her quip. She had changed since that mission a few weeks prior. She felt as though she still couldn't scrub the blood off her hands. Percy had been right about her. She had embraced the monster within. There was no going back. She was evil and she had to accept it. The 'bitchier' she was, the better. No one else would get close to her- no one else would get hurt because of her.
Well, no one would get hurt that didn't deserve it. Kelly lashed out at Nikita once more. She didn't appreciate any of the young agent's candor. She wanted her to shut up once and for all. Kelly at least managed one strike before she faced retaliation. The rising star wrestled her former partner to the ground, and pinned her down with her full body weight. No matter how much she thrashed and struggled, she couldn't get the superior agent off of her. Nikita didn't gloat, however. She simply seethed, "See. You don't learn your lesson."
"Get off me!" Kelly tried to kick. Although it didn't do anything, Nikita bounced to her feet. She didn't even attempt to hold out a supportive hand to her former partner. She wouldn't have taken it anyway. She struggled to her feet, her gaze furious and spiteful as she glared at the young agent. It increasingly wasn't fair when it came to her. Nikita got what she wanted; she got to run the place with Amanda at her back, while the rest of them suffered. Kelly wasn't going to take it any longer. Things had to change, "One day, your actions are gonna catch up to you."
"Nikita! Amanda wants to talk to you," Before Nikita could utter a sarcastic comment about how that would never come to be, an agent called to her from the walkway. Kelly rolled her eyes and muttered an 'of course', but she was mostly ignored. The young agent just harshly nudged her former partner as she ran off to follow the order. She had no idea what Amanda wanted to speak to her about, yet she prayed to whoever was listening that it was another mission. The more she was out in the field, the less time she would have to think and reflect. And that was the last thing she wanted.
She was aware of all the fucked up shit she had done. She knew what she had become. But Nikita didn't want to face it. She'd much rather shoot yet another victim of Division than think about where her actions had led her. Amanda had been her salvation in that regard for some time; she always gave her something else to focus on, a way to ignore the darkness encircling her heart. She was also a great person to talk to no matter the circumstance, "Nikita, perfect timing. We have a new recruit waiting to be welcomed into Division."
"Okay. So why do you need me?" As Amanda beamed at her, Nikita felt the tension in her shoulders relax. She wasn't going to get yelled at for fighting with Kelly, again. It was just another mission, or help with a mission. She wasn't sure as she glanced around Amanda's office. All she spotted was a file and a freshly pressed suit. The clothes appeared in Nikita's size, and she had the sinking suspicion she was going to be required to wear it. She had been dressed more comfortably than fashionably as of late, and she didn't want to go back. Besides, wearing leggings over pantsuits always made jumping from mission to mission easier.
"The leadership skills you have been demonstrating on your most recent operations have captured mine and Percy's attention. We think you could fill the role of head of agents well," Her brilliant smile never waning, Amanda further explained why Nikita was called into her office. Big plans were constantly evolving around the young agent's head. She was instrumental to Percy's and Division's more delicate and ambitious matters. No wonder she was being thrust into a leadership role. That would only give her more power to lead a greatly successful op.
"And…" Although Nikita was surprised she was considered for a leadership role with her attitude, she knew there was another reason she was being asked to usher in the new recruit. Usually, Amanda took that job upon herself. Agents didn't interact with the recruits, not even ones being shifted into higher leadership roles. The recruits were in the hands of the trainers, while the agents and techs ran around under Percy's and Amanda's whim. Michael used to bridge the gap between them, yet no one had filled his role since he left. No one really cared.
"And, the new recruit will need someone she can relate to when she wakes. She has had a hard life, bouncing from one place to the next. If she sees a kindred spirit, she might relax and not want to harm anyone," Amanda easily clarified. She handed Nikita the new recruit's file, letting her read over it before she made her decision. Though, it wasn't much of a decision. Amanda had made the choice for her with the suit, the similarities between the two, and the offer of more. Nikita couldn't deny any of that. She was pulled right in, despite her objection to being a part of a welcoming committee.
"So, she's just like me," Skimming the contents of the file, Nikita came to the simple conclusion. Division had found and recruited yet another junkie runaway. Yet she wasn't any other teenage girl strung out on the streets, she came from an intense background of abandonment and abuse. The new recruit was another Nikita. The young agent tore her eyes away from the page to stare at Amanda. Her mentor didn't answer her right away, though. She simply presented her the suit she was forced to wear.
"More or less," Eventually, Amanda shrugged and sent a reluctant Nikita on her way. God, had that been an understatement. She and the new recruit were too much alike, far too much alike. They were connected, if Nikita's assumption was correct. But she wouldn't allow herself to be right. She couldn't be right. Except, as she kept replaying the events over and over and over again in her mind, one thing became strikingly clear: the girls had the same eyes. Alex and Alexandra both glanced up at her with frightful blue eyes- the same frightful blue eyes. There was no mistaking that. Alex was Alexandra.
Nikita couldn't walk anymore. After welcoming the new recruit, she headed towards Amanda's office to return the file and suit. That was when the realization blindsided her. She slumped against the wall and tried to catch the breath that had escaped her lungs. As much as she wanted to deny the fact, she couldn't. She hadn't saved Alexandra Udinov at all. She never had a better life than her. The girl followed exactly in her footsteps. Nikita never made a difference. She was exactly what Division had made her. Nothing could deny that then.
A monster was what she was and always would be. She didn't save Alexandra, only gave her a worse fate. Being forced to do what Division wanted had to be worse than death, especially when they were the organization that killed her family. God, why did she have to be so fucking stupid. She should've never interfered; it only brought more hell. The sound of footsteps forced Nikita to snap herself out of her shock. She managed to collect herself just in time for Amanda to join her in the hall. Her mentor didn't appear to notice anything amiss. She simply asked, "How was it? Is Alex going to be alright?"
Unsure of what to say at first, Nikita cleared her throat and fumbled through a nod. She didn't need the inquisitor watching her every move and reading her mind. That would only lead to danger and death. Though, wasn't she approaching that territory anyway with her past actions. She felt sick. She had fucked up. She had fucked up, bad. And everything was going to crumble at her feet. There had to be some way to fight, but she had no idea how. All she could do was hollowly respond with a half-truth and hope it was believable, "Uh, yeah. I'm sure once she sees the training room she'll relax more."
"What is it?" Amanda read her whirlwind of emotions instantly. She stepped forward in an effort to soothe the young agent. Nikita tried not to flinch. Her body language was going to reveal more than her words ever could. She had to slip her mask into place; she needed to shield herself from prying eyes. Nothing had been destroyed yet. She could still keep it together and figure a way out of there. She had done so before on countless operations. That situation couldn't be any different, despite the fact that the world had shifted from underneath her.
"You said she was Ukrainian. But she spoke Russian," Nikita couldn't help but mutter. She shouldn't have said anything. Her mouth should've remained shut, and she should've returned to her apartment for the night. Amanda couldn't be clued in on her torment. The hell that would rain down on Alexandra once the truth came out would be unbearable. Nikita had to keep protecting her. However, Amanda had always been so helpful before. She could help the young agent solve her problem and save Alex. No, no that wasn't possible. The thought needed to be shaken away. Nikita was on her own.
"We think she's Ukrainian. We were able to trace a possible boat she was shipped over on to there. But she could be Russian, and was transported multiple times. That's the heartbreaking thing with human trafficking victims, no sense of home," As she contemplated the information, Amanda attempted to find an answer. Nikita wanted to believe her, but she knew better. She also knew better than to fall for the inquisitor's emotional baits. It just took her a while to remember, "But we can be that home for Alex. And you can continue to welcome her in. Be like a sister."
"Yeah, yeah. I'll talk to her, show her around," Nodding, Nikita decided. She didn't agree, though. She had her own ideas in mind for talking to Alex- Alexandra. She could finally figure out how the heir to Zetrov wound up in the very place that tried to kill her. And she could figure out just what the hell she was supposed to do next. Obviously, Alex's identity had to remain a secret. She had survived that long under a false identity, she just had to survive a little longer. How much longer, remained a mystery. How was Nikita supposed to help her then.
"Good. I'm glad. You're filling this role nicely, Nikita. I can see great things for your future," Squeezing her bicep reassuringly, Amanda smiled and continued on her way. Nikita slumped against the wall again, and stifled a scream. If only that were true.