"How are you feeling?" Amanda asked Alex, snapping her out of her thoughts. The young woman readjusted her fierce grip on her cup of tea, and tried to unclench her tight jaw and muscles. Amanda had asked her into her office a while ago. However, she never stated what the meeting was about. She simply gave her tea and softly studied her. Alex knew she should've said something, or at the very least appear that she was completely calm and collected. But she was on the edge. Since Nikita's escape and Thom's death, she couldn't relax. She didn't know how.
She had to, though. Alex knew she had to get herself together. No one could know how worried she was about whether or not Nikita was alive. And no one could know the guilt she carried regarding Thom's death. It was an accident. She didn't mean to pull the trigger. They were wrestling for the gun, and it just happened. He was never supposed to die. He was supposed to help her with her mission. He was a great agent; he would've been valuable on her team. Instead, he died. And he helped Alex in an entirely different way.
Thinking of it like that made Alex sick. She had planted the evidence of her sabotage against Division on Thom's dead body. The security key card, the remaining explosives, he had it instead of her. So when Percy cracked down on who was the mole destroying Division from the inside, Thom took all the blame. All his good deeds were forgotten. How great he was as an agent and friend was diminished by how terrible he was for being the mole. It didn't matter who he was before the fake revelation was revealed. Thom was only going to be known as the mole, the traitor, the worst thing to ever happen to Division, although he was one of the best.
All of that was Alex's fault. She was the reason no one believed the truth about Thom anymore. Her actions saved her life. She could continue her revenge mission without anyone suspecting she had helped Nikita. She had proven to herself that she could succeed on a dangerous mission and outmaneuver many skilled and dangerous people. But it was all at the expense of Thom. He paid the price for everything she had done. That wasn't fair. He had fought her- he had died because of her- serving and protecting Division. And that only made him more hated than Nikita, Michael, and Birkhoff.
Guilt ate away at Alex for the days that followed Thom's death. She believed that focusing on her revenge would make her actions all worth it. She could ignore her guilt if all she had to think about moving forward was killing Semak. But continuing to walk the halls of Division, go through training and lessons, and act like everything was fine, was taking its toll on her. Alex couldn't focus on Semak and all of that. Which meant, she couldn't forget her guilt. Which meant, she was starting to drown.
There were moments where she felt like she was drowning before. Between trying to be a perfect recruit and Nikita's mole, she was hardly treading water. Alex wanted to live in both worlds; she was certain that was how she could obtain what she wanted. She'd be trained as an effective killer, she'd have all the equipment she needed, and she'd be able to destroy everyone associated with her family's death. Except, to make all that a reality, she had to be smart and perfect and on guard in everything she did. It was too much for her to take. She couldn't breathe.
The anxiety attack she had had after the entire shit that had occurred proved how little she could breathe. Alex hyperventilated in her too-small recruit room, trying to get a handle on anything. She couldn't. There was nothing she could control. She helped Nikita escape, but that didn't mean the rogue managed to survive her gunshot wounds. She planted her evidence on Thom, but that didn't mean anyone would buy the story for long. And she was moving along greatly in her recruit training, but that didn't mean she'd become an agent and kill Semak. Those weren't her decisions. There was only so much she could do. The rest laid in others' hands.
Alex didn't have enough trust in the others to know it would all be okay. A part of her did trust Nikita to survive- she was strong enough. However, Nikita wasn't her biggest worry. What she did to Thom, and Percy's and Amanda's reactions to that could have disastrous consequences for her. She wanted so badly to get revenge, she didn't consider what would happen if her schemes failed. She hardly thought that they could. Yet when her anxiety caught up with her, Alex realized how little she thought things through. Maybe she wasn't as prepared to take on Semak as she wanted to believe.
But she had to be. Alex had to be better than her anxiety and overcome her attacks. That seemed impossible in the midst of one. Yet once her breathing was under control again, she knew there was a way she could triumph. She simply had to use Division's trainings against them. She had done some of that while being Nikita's mole. It was just time she kicked it into overdrive. Her emotions had to be buried. A mask had to be slipped in place over her features. Amanda had mentioned that a mask could be used to separate herself from her acts on gruesome missions. Alex already had some experience with that from the brothels.
All she had to do was employ her mask again. She had to bury Alexandra Udinov deep within herself once more. She wasn't going to be Sasha or some runaway on the street, however. She was going to be Alex, the cool, confident, capable assassin. She already had one kill under her belt (as horrible as it was). And she had managed to pull one over on Percy and Amanda. Alex could keep that up. She had enough determination and stubbornness to keep fighting. She had enough need for revenge, that she'd do anything to get what she wanted.
As lost in thought as she was, Alex couldn't not answer Amanda. Her silence had the power to express more than her words could. If she didn't respond, Amanda would suspect something was wrong. And if she suspected something was wrong, Alex would suffer. The young woman had to share how she was feeling. It definitely couldn't be the truth. But it couldn't be a complete lie either. There had to be a mix- a balance. Just like what she had to find in her role as recruit and mole. She needed balance and control, "Shaken. But ready."
"Ready to continue your mission with us? Even now, when you know the potential damage your course will cause?" Amanda's cold, piercing, blue eyes narrowed on Alex. She wasn't exactly scrutinizing the young recruit, she was simply studying everything about her. Alex tried not to squirm. Sipping her tea that had long gone cold, she kept herself still. She wanted to avert her gaze as well, yet she held steadily to Amanda's. Turning away would mean weakness or defeat. She couldn't allow her emotions to control her like that. Alex had to stay calm, for calm kept her alive.
"Yes," Taking a steadying breath, Alex nodded curtly. She was beyond ready to continue her mission. She didn't want to do anything besides plan and execute her operation to kill Semak. Being in Division was great for teaching her the necessary skills to get her revenge; the organization also gave her the best resources for success. Other than that, the bunker wasn't anything but pain and torture. Alex couldn't stand it any longer. She just wanted to get what she could, then leave forever. The sooner that happened, the better. After all, Semak would be dead.
"So you can handle the loss of more people that you care about?" With a gentle voice, Amanda asked and completely destroyed Alex's mask. The young woman held herself together enough to not cry, yet her chin did tremble. No matter how strong she built her walls, the thought of losing someone else she cared for shot her right in the heart. She thought she had been in enough pain. She thought she had enough scars. Yet there were always going to be more. The path to revenge wasn't a rainbow. Alex had learned that lesson a million times by then.
Trying to keep herself busy so the tears wouldn't come tumbling loose, Alex placed her teacup on the coffee table. The movement also let her tear her eyes away from Amanda's. She could collect herself in peace- or at least some semblance of it. She was surprised that Amanda actually gave her that moment to collect herself. And once she began to speak again, she was even softer, "I don't say this to be mean or callous. I understand how hard it can be to lose a friend. But I want to know your commitment. I want to know if you are still going to continue your mission with the same determination you had before."
Percy had asked Alex something similar. He had wanted to know if her conviction to Division was stronger than the effect of Thom's death. It wasn't. But her conviction to killing Semak was stronger than ever. She knew getting her revenge would set everything right. It had to. What else would avenging her family bring if not peace to her world. Since she couldn't bring them back from the dead, that was a great consolation prize. And she wouldn't settle for anything less, "I am. There should be no doubt about it."
"Good. Good," Amanda smiled. It was a real genuine smile that reached her eyes. Usually, she was so madeup and perfect, a crack in her features would never be visible. Yet when she smiled at Alex, the young recruit noticed smile-lines around her eyes. She was happy and free. It seemed like for the first time, the young woman was truly seeing Amanda. The thought wiped her tears away and made her smile as well. Amanda patted the cushion beside her on the couch, "Now come here. Let's discuss you becoming an agent."
"Really?" Jumping from her seat across from Amanda, Alex couldn't believe it. Well, a huge part of her knew that was coming. According to Division, she had managed to capture one of their rogues, and she killed a mole. Although she failed her first kill mission, she had more than proved herself in other ways. Alex just didn't think it was possible with all the lies she had told. But, then again, being an effective liar showed she could be a secret agent. If she could slip past Percy and Amanda, then she could slip past Gogol. She'd be one step closer to Semak.
"I think you've more than proved yourself," The smile on Amanda's lips never faded. She patted the cushion next to her again, and Alex soon joined her. The young recruit- the young agent- could feel her anxiety, guilt, and every other ill feelings slip away. She was really doing it. Everything she had been through was actually leading her towards her goal. Despite the pain and mishaps, she had been successful. Her anxiety, and the feeling of drowning, couldn't pull her under. She survived and came out on top. She was awesome. She was actually going to burn the man who burned down her family.
"So next is Semak?" Alex tried to contain the hope in her voice. She knew being too hopeful would only set her up for disappointment. Yet it was difficult not to be excited. Even with her continued thoughts of Thom and how his death haunted her senses couldn't dull her buzz. The shooting was a tragedy; it always would be. However, it got her there. The ends justified the means. Although she had thought that was a shitty excuse before, she clung to it then. She had to know what was more important to her, and prioritize it. Unfortunately, Semak outpaced Thom by a mile.
Amanda's smile soon turned sympathetic. Alex should be given her chance at Semak, yet sadly then wasn't the time. She might've been an agent, yet she still wasn't ready. She continued to have a long way to go, full of more trainings and bullshit from Percy, "I believe you're ready. But Percy wants to see you on other missions first. It is important to know how to work and plan with a team before a major operation like Semak. So don't be discouraged. Just use the other missions to refine your skills to become the best agent Division's ever seen."
Of course Percy wanted to keep a tight control on Alex until he got everything he wanted out of the deal. It didn't matter who she was. It was all about what best served his ego. At least Amanda was in her corner. Alex could continue relying on her (and Nikita if she could find a way to contact her) until her time for revenge finally came. Besides, in the meantime, Alex honestly should keep refining her skill. She could never be too prepared to take on Semak and Gogol, especially when there were so many people involved, "I can wait. The better prepared I am, the less collateral damage there will be."
"You're perfectly ready," Amanda's brilliant grin returned. Once again, Alex felt herself easing at the sight. She was ready. She could take on the whole world with her conviction. The guilt churning in her stomach was only further determination. She was capable; she was awesome. With her mask in place to shield her from her anxious emotions, Alex could do anything she wished. And if for any reason she couldn't do it on her own, she had a support system behind her back that'd see her through.