After her third unanswered call, Alex decided to just crash into the rogues' loft. She had to talk to somebody besides Amanda. She needed to express her thoughts without being analyzed and without fearing that she'd be deemed unfit to carry out her revenge plans. Her feelings towards completing her goal were shaky enough. Something in her seemed to have snapped during the detoxing, and enacting revenge didn't seem so appealing anymore. She just sort of felt apathetic about the whole thing. It wasn't what she wanted most anymore. She had bigger dreams and aspirations than killing people.
Alex couldn't have shared any of that with Amanda. When she had spoken to her in her office, the young agent simply talked about the struggles of being forced to take heroin again and detoxing. She also insisted that she was alright and stronger than ever. Amanda seemed to believe Alex; though, she gave her a look like she had managed to see past all of her masks. Excusing herself, Alex ran from the look and went straight to Nikita. Surely, the rogue would be able to help her. If only she had answered her calls. Alex had enough worry with Division, she didn't need any drama from the rogues, "Hey. What's up? You didn't answer any of my calls."
"How are you holding up? Detoxing with Amanda isn't easy," Nikita instantly deflected. She had been half-staring at her computer and half-lost in thought when Alex stormed into the loft. So, naturally, she was excited to have a distraction. She needed to stop thinking about Michael. She'd do anything to get their last moments together off her mind. What Alex was currently going through was a worthy distraction- mostly because Nikita was concerned about how she was doing. The hell in the brothel and the events afterwards weren't anything that could be easily moved on from. Alex was struggling, and Nikita wanted to help her.
"No it definitely isn't," Sighing, Alex admitted. Since she had woken up next to Sean in Medical, she had been trying to piece together what she had dreamed while detoxing. Most of it made sense. Her fears from the brothel had continued to cling to her as she rode out the effects of the heroin. She dreamed of running and fighting everything in Division. The underground bunker felt eerily similar to the brothel. Yet she was stronger then. She could survive anything thrown her way then. She had done so in her dream. She had protected herself from the worst.
At least, Alex had believed she kept herself from harm. Once she had finally reached what she was truly running from in her dream, she realized just how wrong she was. She couldn't escape what was coming for her, not when she was to blame for all the death and destruction in her life. The path she was on, one full of revenge and hatred, would rip away something else she wanted. It was something she hadn't thought about since she was a little girl. Yet apparently, she still wanted it. She really wanted a family of her own.
The fact that in her dream Nathan was her husband and they had a daughter together was probably just a manifestation of that desire. Alex couldn't see herself marrying Nathan at that moment. However, she could easily see herself married and with a baby. She desperately wanted that. Almost more than her revenge. Except, after she had seen her post-revenge self kill her potential family in her dream, Alex was starting to doubt her vengeance mission. Could it really be worth it if she could lose her happiness. Could her dream have been that prophetic, "I saw something while I was detoxing that I didn't like. I know it was just a dream, but it felt so real."
"Are you having second thoughts?" Recognizing Alex's hesitation, Nikita gently approached her. She knew of the techniques Amanda utilized to help recruits and agents detox during their withdrawal or after relapses. Those waking dreams that she pried into weren't easily ignored. It was like a whole other layer of trauma they had to recover from. Whatever Alex's subconscious made her see had spooked her. It was different than what she wanted. It revealed more about her than she had wanted to discover. Her whole thoughts had to shift, or else she'd never recover from what she was forced through.
"Why don't you try to take time off from Division. Rest for a few days. Relax with Nathan. We won't bother you," With a quick glance at the fake ID packet on her desk, Nikita advised Alex. Then could've been the time for the rogue to present the potential escape to the young agent, yet she instantly thought better of it. Escape should've been Alex's decision completely. Maybe time away from everybody would give her clarity. At the very least, she could just relax with her boyfriend. After all she recently went through, that'd be perfect. She deserved peace for once in her life.
"Yeah. I'm sure that's what I need," Alex nodded. Taking time to clear her head would be good for her. She needed to get her thoughts in order, and she needed to remember what her priorities were. Spending a day or two not thinking with Nathan would be perfect. She'd be herself again. Nikita, on the other hand, Alex didn't believe would be alright after a few days off. She appeared far more troubled than normal. She never explained why she didn't answer the phone. The rogue was nearly as troubled as her mole was. Alex had missed something while she was detoxing, and she needed to know what, "What about you? How are you doing?"
"I'll find out," Nikita attempted a reassuring grin, but it fell flat. She couldn't even feign to be okay. What Michael had said and done before throwing her to Gogol and Kasim broke her in more ways than one. The berating, negative thoughts she used to have about herself before he had soothed them away were returning. Obviously she was still a monster if he had decided to give up on their relationship. She wasn't worth fighting for anymore. Michael could just toss Nikita aside because that was all she was to him, a monstrous tool.
Able to read the rogue's troubling thoughts as well as she had read hers, Alex intended to interrogate Nikita about what her reply meant. Unfortunately, as her mouth opened to speak, Nikita shoved her out the door. She said something about how she should be with Nathan as soon as possible, then locked Alex out of the loft. The rogue didn't want to involve her in her pain. She had enough on her plate. The young woman didn't need to deal with Michael and Kasim as well (she especially didn't have to deal with Michael's hurt). Nikita could carry that pain all by herself. Worse had been laid on her shoulders.
Slowly, Nikita moved back to her computer where she had been formulating her plan. She swallowed her hurt and her fear, and she picked up her burner cell. She remembered the number she dialed from past Division missions. It took her directly to a Gogol controlled phone line. And from there, she could dive head first into painful danger, "I know Gogol monitors this line. Right now your voice analysts are going to confirm what I'm about to tell you next. My name is Nikita, and I'm requesting a meeting with Ari Tasarov tomorrow, twenty-one hundred hours. I will be in Maritime Victory Park in St. Petersburg, alone and unarmed."
A rogue tear escaped Nikita's guard as she hung up the phone. She had signed her death warrant with that call. If things didn't go perfectly, either Ari or Kasim or the organizations they led would kill her. Though, she didn't care that much for her life; she never really had. She wasn't too afraid of losing her life. What she was the most terrified of was losing Michael. If she failed to get Kasim for him, he'd never forgive her. And if she died trying to help him avenge his family, he'd never forgive himself, "I hope you're happy, Michael."
Six Years Earlier
Michael went to the target range to be alone. Ever since Birkhoff had created the virtual reality range, no one wanted to shoot at the old paper targets; it was better practice shooting at things that moved and could 'shoot' back. Although Michael saw their points, he preferred things to be more quiet. There was solitude in the old range- a calmness that allowed him to think and breathe. At least, there should've been. When he entered the range, he quickly discovered that he wasn't alone. Nikita was sitting in one of the shooting booths, halfheartedly throwing knives at a target. He sighed. He never had quiet when she was around, "Nikita, what are you doing?"
"Hiding from Amanda. What are you doing?" Nikita instantly spun around to beam at Michael. She was maybe putting too much faith in the booth's shelf to hold her weight, yet she didn't care. She liked sitting as she practiced her aim. It was sort of like meditation. She was able to sit and be at peace as she focused intently on striking her target. No other thoughts came to trouble her- nor did any person while she was armed. She could avoid everything and truly be alone. Though, she didn't mind being distracted by Michael. He could surprise her anytime.
"Hiding from Percy," Leaning against the walls of the booth she was in, Michael shrugged. If Nikita wasn't going to tell him what she was actually doing, then he wasn't going to share with her either. Besides, he was more interested in where she had gotten the throwing knives. They had knives in Division, but not ones specifically for throwing. She must've bought them on her own. He wanted to chuckle at the fact. She just had to have something better than Division. It was an admirable quality. And it was kind of cute.
"Ooh. Did you get in trouble?" Thinking of cute, Nikita looked up at Michael with such a goofy grin that his heart stuttered. He had no idea why he became so flustered like that. She was only antagonizing him as she usually did. There was no real difference that time. Save for the gold glint in her brown eyes. Michael was surprised he had never seen her light up like that before. The shine was definitely something he would've noticed before. It made her glow. However, he had to refocus. He couldn't be rendered brain dead like that. She just smiled at him.
"Did you?" Michael eventually countered. He definitely wasn't in trouble with Percy. Percy was simply making a deal for a mission that Michael didn't want to be a part of. He was all for missions that protected and saved the world. He wanted to serve his country as best he could. But he drew the line at Percy's missions for hire. Agents weren't supposed to be hired guns. They were supposed to protect the world when other agencies couldn't. The amount of money they received for their mercenary jobs didn't matter. Killing people like that was wrong. Michael probably should've voiced that more. But his quiet dissent could've been enough.
"Wouldn't you like to know," Swinging her legs back and forth, Nikita teased. She wasn't necessarily in trouble with Amanda; at least, she didn't think so. She was simply avoiding the emotions talk after her latest mission. As soon as she had returned to Division, Nikita talked to Percy and Ops about the facts of the operations. It had all gone well. There was even talk about her leading the next mission. However, Amanda soon wanted to speak to her about the emotional effects of the latest mission. Nikita couldn't just debrief factually. It was important for her to debrief emotionally as well. She ran at the thought. She didn't want to be analyzed that night.
Although the part of Michael that was Nikita's handler needed to know if she had gotten in trouble with Amanda again, the part of him that was her friend didn't care. She should be allowed to do things that made her happy. Also, he didn't want to have another serious discussion with her about following the rules or whatever. The two deserved a lighthearted conversation every once and a while. They could joke, tease each other, and maybe brag about their accomplishments, "Good job on the op. I heard you were absolutely amazing."
Whereas Michael smiled crookedly (and hoped to see her smile again) Nikita hung her head. Sometimes, she responded to a compliment with a quip. Other times, she shied away as though she didn't believe it. Michael hadn't believed the latter would happen then, especially with the way she had teased him. But maybe that was why she was hiding in the target range. Although her actions on the mission were beyond remarkable, she didn't want to acknowledge she had done them. It was better to push it away. That was possibly true, but Michael would still make her see how wonderful she was, "Hey. Take the compliment. You deserve all the praise."
"I bet you say that to all the recruits," Rolling her eyes, Nikita scoffed. Sure, she wasn't a recruit anymore; she was the star agent. And more people than just Michael had congratulated her for her performance on the mission. But she didn't believe she could accept any compliments. The things she had done in the name of justice blurred the definition of what justice even was. Taking out evil with evil didn't diminish the amount of monsters in the world. She continued the torment. She was just as much a part of the hellish cycle as her victims were.
"Just you. You're special," Softly, Michael admitted. He almost reached out to gently lift Nikita's chin, yet he restrained himself. The sincere silence that followed his remark made her look up at him anyway. There was that gold again. It wasn't as bright as when she was laughing. But it simmered in her brown irises, making the way she stared at him mesmerizing. He had to pull away from it before he became so sucked in he'd never resurface. He had to find a way to break the hold her look had on him. The easiest way he could think to do that was to joke, even if he didn't seriously mean it, "A special annoyance."
"Shut up. You're way worse. You cheat in sparring," Nikita rolled her eyes more playfully that time. Her cheating claim was completely baseless. If anything, she was the one to bend rules to come out on top. However, she wanted to say something to rile Michael up before she overthought the fact that he had called her special. They were just playing with each other. That was what the two did when they were alone (sometimes Birkhoff was with them). They teased and tried to make each other smile. It was what friends did.
"Says the sore loser," Michael pushed off the wall as he scoffed. Honestly, by that point, they were fairly even in their sparring matches. Although he had more experience and strength than she did, Nikita had found ways to outsmart and outmaneuver him. Most of the time she got him on his back, he was confused about how he had even gotten there. She had quickly become his equal. And if they went on more missions together, she might become his partner. He liked the thought of that. It'd be good to always have her around. They both needed something bright as they walked through the dark halls of Division.
"Oh. I'll show you what I can do. Expect some pain," Hopping off the shelf, Nikita lightly shoved Michael. Whatever glare she was trying to pull off melted as she giggled. He chuckled as he lightly shoved her back. Whatever one of them dealt, the other would match. Whether it was a punch, a laugh, a taunt, or a compliment, the two would stand toe to toe against each other. God help anyone if they actually fought instead of played around. They'd tear the world down in their efforts to hurt one another. Fortunately, they were more focused on building each other up. That let gold shine.