Presumptions
Chapter 6 - Josh's Regret
The DEA decided on using the NYC FBI safehouse for Josh. This facility is state of the art: interior and exterior security camera's, monitoring station at the entrance manned 24/7, and a walk around guard doing security patrols around the building. Josh still wanted Kate as his security team leader, but the new FBI safehouse did not need her presence there. So Josh insisted she be his security escort when taking him to and from the DEA NYC office for the preparations on the Grand Jury hearings. The DEA had concided to this arrangement with Kate's consent, as a way to stay on Josh's cooperative side.
The transport vehicle that was used was a black colored Ford Expedition. It had bullet proof body armor and bullet proof windows. The windows were one way glass preventing seeing into the vehicle, but allowing a clear view for the occupants to the outside. Kate would sit in the back seat with Josh. Up front were the DEA driver and additional security guard riding shot gun. There is a privacy door for the back seat, kept closed when the witness was being schooled by DEA attorneys on sensitive case issues that required 'need to know' status. Josh had insisted on privacy with Kate and rationalized that is why he had asked for her, so he could feel secure in her presence. It was an obvious attempt to get Kate alone, but the DEA needing Josh's testimony, continued to patronized Josh on this.
Kate also knew what Josh's intentions were once he was alone with her. She had avoided any of his discussions on her being with Rick and let him know in her own words.
"Look Josh, I will not entertain any talk about Rick and me. If you want to talk, make it about the baby who might be yours, and how we will raise the child once it is born."
"If you insist in being with Rick while we raise the child, I will sue for full custody. Who will the court side with? A distinguished surgeon who does DWB missions gratis or a single homicide detective who slept with a man only days after a breaking up from her then boyfriend, and father of her baby. I will paint your character as a loose woman not worthy of raising a child. Particularly if you are living with Rick at the same time."
"Really Josh? You will play that card. How will it look when I point out that we broke up because you were not around when you did your DWB missions. I will question how you can raise such a child and still do your overseas missions? Also how do you think it would play out with a court if I say you are connected to a drug cartel from one of your Columbian missions. Two can play at this character assassination game Josh, so try me."
Josh remained quiet after Kate countered his threat.
"If you want to discuss anything, talk to how we will raise this child. I can care for this child during your DWB missions and then when you are back from them, you can care for the child. We split custody and expenses for the child's care, although I can pay for expenses without your contribution."
"Your money Kate or that of your rich current boyfriend?"
"He will be my husband by then. Rick has already said he will marry me when the time is right and I have agreed to that. We have made commitments to one another Josh."
Still not wanting to talk about Rick and herself, Kate made an exception here, so as to let Josh know just how serious it had gotten with Rick. That comment really took the wind out of Josh and he was silent for the remainder of the day not bothering to enter into a discussion with her.
The Grand Jury hearings on the DEA case was scheduled weeks away. In the meantime, Josh was being prepared for those actual Grand Jury hearings. Josh continued to meet with the DEA lawyers on a regular basis, but eventually, Kate was removed from security duty as she was nearing the end of her second trimester. Montgomery, by procedure, had to place her on light duty status because of her condition. She could continue working cases, but no field work.
With Kate starting to show, time had come to tell everyone. So all the gossip now began, but it was expected, and Kate and Rick had prepared for it. There was even an office pool started on who was the actual father to Kate's unborn child. That was the kind of nonsense that the couple had to endure. Kate was now wearing maternity clothing. She had also moved in with Castle so he could tend to her needs better on a daily basis.
She had not seen Josh since she stopped escorting him to and from his preparatory meetings with DEA lawyers. She was just starting to show. The Grand Jury hearings were now about a week or so away and Josh requested to see Kate. Kate agreed because she needed to talk to Josh about the baby. Kate was now 27 weeks along . When Josh saw her, he was pleasantly surprised how big she had gotten.
"You look good Kate. You have that pregnancy glow about you."
"Thank you Josh, but I am sure that is not what you wanted to talk about for this meeting?"
"Well, I did want to see you, but also to let you know, I have been told after all this is done, I will be given a new life and new identity. This is part of my witness protection and the child can not be part of that, not just for my protection, but for the child's. The unborn child must be raised never knowing its birth father if it turns out I am that person."
"Thank you Josh, that is one action we did not factor into this situation."
"I have had all this time since we were last together to think about it. I have come to accept that you no longer want me in a relationship. What I have suspected all along is that Rick and you were always a couple. It just had not happened physically since you were with me. But both of you were already a couple in your minds, even if you did not see it. Castle has been there for you all this time. He is a good man Kate and will be a good father for your child.
I am sorry for those things I said. I know you did not cheat on me. I was blinded by my jealousy and saw only what I wanted to see. I think I realized all along, at least subconsciously, that Rick had your heart, but rather than face the truth, I denied it. That was why I was so jealous of Castle. I sensed that he was the one for you, even when you could not. But know this Kate, I loved you, or perhaps I still do. But love means not having to say you're sorry. And I am not sorry for what we had. Our time together will be fond memories for me, be the child mine or Castle's."
"Thank you for that Josh."
All and all it was a good talk. She and Josh had ended by forgiving each other and parting in agreement of what must be done for the child Kate was carrying.
When the Grand Jury hearings started, after a couple continuances on the starting date, Kate was getting close to her delivery date. They did get an indictment but Josh was to still be around until he went into witness protection with a new identity and life. When he did so, he would have no contact with the child. They all had not anticipated the impact of Josh being in the witness protection program. So even if the baby turned out to be his, he would never have contact with this child.
Still, Josh was to remain in the city, as he was now a principal witness to the Maya Santori homicide, a second trial for Josh. He would testify in court to this murder, after which he would get his new identity. So the witness prep for that trial had now begun. They met in the main conference room of the 12th with the DEA squad present for protection. The trial of the Santori homicide was two weeks away and they met regularly for trial prep.
The timing for Kate's delivery was around the time for her court appearance on the Santori homicide, and it was hoped she would not give birth till after her testimony. But they were cutting it close and there was a probability for a trial delay due to the pregnancy. The ADA had already filed for such a delay in the event that Kate were to give birth before she could testify.
She saw Josh regularly for his trial prep and it now was easier being near him as he now would not contest her custody of her child should the baby turned out to be his. Kate, however, was sadden by the fact that if her child was Josh's, he would never get to know the child. Josh would never get to see the child grow up, the child then but a memory for Josh of a past life. A life forgotten and hidden. A life he no longer could talk about. She knew if the child was Josh's that Rick would raise it as his own and would be the only father that child would know. Her heart felt anguish for Josh.
When Rick learned of Josh's fate, he too agreed they had not consider this situation in the discussion about caring for the child. They had been so focused on the unborn child, they forgot about the impact on the father who was under witness protection. Rick too was sadden by all this, as a single father, raising Alexis had been a joy he cherished. Josh would never know that joy with this unborn who might be his child! So Rick wanted the child to be his child, not just for the baby, or Kate, or himself, but more so for Josh so as to ease the angst he was experiencing.
Rick also realized it was not just losing a possible child for Josh, but he also had lost Kate. It was even worse for Josh in his loss of Kate, as he had been sleeping with her. Josh knew what it was like to be with Kate carnally, sharing her bed, and being as two united as one. Sex tended to make breakups with a failed partner all that much more difficult. Now Josh no longer had that, his time with Kate would now become but a memory for him.
Rick had empathy for Josh, as Rick knew what it was to long for Kate. To want to be with her in physical intimacy, but not able to make it so. He imagined how much greater the pain for Josh having once been with Kate sexually and then losing her. If it was him in a similar situation, Rick knew he would need much time to survive that loss. Rick knew that he could recover from such an event, but only over time, years, most likely. Time did heal all wounds. Rick had not experienced such a lost with any of his ex's, maybe because he never really loved them like he did Kate.
Josh himself was starting to wish, no to pray, that the child was Rick's. There was some irony in that. The man who Josh had been so jealous about, now would raise a child that could be Josh's. Should Josh be the father of that unborn, the child would never know its birth father. The only thing left for Josh would be recollections. Josh would have little memories of the child growing now in Kate's body, other than the fact he might be the biological father to that unborn.
Recalling Moments With Kate
Josh's thought now turn to those memories of Kate. He had met her over a summer when he had taken a break from his DWB missions. She was so gorgeous and there was an instant attraction to her. He had gone shopping for some Harley parts for his bike and saw her there at the parts store. She appeared puzzled, but he dared to be bold, and not even knowing her, he spoke to her.
"Looking for a part for a Harley? I might be able to help you. What's your ride?"
"Oh, was I that obvious? I own a Soft-tail and wanted to replace some parts. I have a list but was wondering if I got the right part or if it was for another model."
"Can I see the list?"
She hands him the list.
"Yes, you have the right part. Harley models tend to have the same parts. Have you just started riding?"
"Oh gosh, no. I have been riding since high school. Bought the bike with modeling money I earned."
"I can see that in you, you are stunning. What projects have you modeled for recently", he had said coming on to her.
Kate is both embarrassed by his compliment and yet attracted to the man who spoke it.
"I haven't. I no longer model. It was a one time gig over my summer year prior to going to college. I was accepted at Stanford and actually rode my bike there all the way from NYC."
"Wow, that was brave, as you were just barely out of high school , a new rider, and riding cross country all alone. You don't strike as the bold type."
"Well then you won't believe that I am a homicide detective as my trade."
"Wow again. I'm Josh by the way, and despite my wild biker appearance, I am a surgeon as my day job."
"Now I am the one surprised! Kate, ...that's my name."
They exchanged phone numbers and later agreed over the phone that they would have a first date that weekend.
Two months later they started sleeping together. The carnal joining had began on a bike ride one weekend for a camping event at a nearby State Park site, several hours ride from the city. They had reluctantly shared a tent when it turned out that Kate's tent was missing parts for assembling it. She thought she had checked to make sure all the parts were there, but apparently did not see she was missing a rod. One thing lead to another, and they both wind up having sex. She was so hot and he was so eager.
Once they crossed that line there was no stopping it. But there was something about that first time that Josh had sensed. It was like she was experiencing sex, not with him, but with someone else on her mind. Still, they had gone at it like they both could not get enough. Kate because Castle had left her for Gina, and Josh who had been single for a time since his last serious girlfriend. His carnal joining with Kate had ended his drought.
Their physical union was so steamy in the beginning but soon after, they started to cool off. Their decline hastened by two factors, Josh's long absences on DWB missions that Josh had again restarted and his growing jealousy for Rick. Josh found out about him, ...about them ...as office partners. They had been partners for years before Josh met Kate. Josh could see when Kate and Castle were together, that ease and familiarity they had for one another. Secretly, Josh hated how close the two were, even if neither of them could see this dynamic.
At office case closure celebrations when Josh was with her, he could see that Castle knew far more about Kate than Josh wanted him to know. Then he recalled that odd feeling he sensed during their first time sleeping together. Was it Castle that had been on her mind when they first had been intimate in a physical joining? Josh had never been this insecure with any woman he had been with, except for Kate. Josh had sensed that despite being intimate with her, she was not there for him. He started to wonder if he was a substitute for Castle and his jealousy for him could not be abated.
Kate had been the best Josh had ever been with and it pained Josh that it was not the same for Kate. Kate had been with other men, and she never hid that from Josh, who could not help but think if he was being compared to those past partners. Had Castle been one of those past lovers? Kate had denied this to him when he had asked about it. It troubled Josh that Kate was finding Josh lacking when compared with Castle? He felt inadequate with Kate.
In the end, theirs was simply not meant to be. Josh was not what she needed or wanted. Josh was simply not the one and not enough for her. That lack on his part to reel her in, hurt him deeply and cut to the bone. He wanted so much to be that one for Kate. Still, Josh would cherish those times with Kate. Now he had accepted that she was with another man. That man possibly the father of the unborn baby she now carried.
Josh came out of his thoughts on Kate. It is time to face a future yet to be written, but in this future, there would be no Kate and no child with her that might be his. The result of this destiny now more painful as he realized it could have been otherwise. If only he had quelled his jealousy of Castle and had not allowed it to cause his breakup with Kate. Had that happened, he would never have gone to Columbia. That decision being the cause for his situation now. Things could have been so much more different for them, and Josh would always blame himself for losing her. She was the one who got away, and Josh had no one to blame but himself. He had failed to win her heart and was found lacking. It was a regret to last a lifetime.