Thank you for reading!
Varric was no more sure what wallop was than Hawke, but he had a far more complete catalogue of Darktown goods and services in his head than she did, so he led her to the person he suspected had polished Gamlen's wallop mallet, and they all endured the Rivaini's constant stream of dirty wallop-mallet polishing puns until Aveline threatened to clap her in irons if she made another one. Rivaini begged her to follow through, just once, and the ensuing silence made Varric and Hawke trade glances, wondering if somewhere in the list of things that happened in Kirkwall that they hoped never to know about was some secret love affair between the guard captain and the pirate.
The merchant remembered Gamlen, although he had no idea why anyone would want to station an elf by the venadahl just to talk about a wallop mallet.
Even as he said the words, a group of indifferently dressed mercenaries stepped out of the shadows and the muck. Hawke turned to look them over. "So are you the ones who paid the elf?"
"We's the ones who been waitin' for you. We were beginnin' to think you wouldn't show. Weren't we, boys?" The leader was a big blond man who looked as dumb as a box of rocks. Sometimes those were the worst kind, Hawke reflected. Not smart enough to know when they were outclassed. "It's rude to keep people waitin'. It ain't like I don't got things to do."
Varric and Hawke looked at each other, mouthing the words while trying to navigate the double negative. "So you have things to do?" she asked.
The leader looked startled. "Yeah."
"Like what?"
"What?"
"What do you have to do?"
He looked around at his followers in confusion. They shrugged, and he turned back to Hawke. "We's gonna take the gem."
"What gem?"
"The one in the note."
"What note?" Hawke was genuinely confused.
So was the leader, and confusion made him angry. "Stop that! It isn't funny!"
"I'm sorry, but I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I never got a note."
"The one about the Gem of Keroshek, askin' your uncle to come find out about it."
"If the note was about finding out about the gem, why would you think I have it?" Hawke asked.
That seemed like a tough question for the leader to answer. "We was hired to give you a note. But this Gem of Keroshek the note talks about? We wants that instead."
"So you have a note for me that I never got about a gem I never heard of and that's why you're here, to take it from me?"
The leader frowned, trying to follow, coming out the other side eventually. "Uh … yeah."
"You think any gem would do, Hawke? I've got a few I could give up," Isabela suggested.
Aveline frowned at her. "You, give up your finery? That'll be the day."
Isabela smiled brightly back. "Gives me a good excuse to, um, acquire some more."
"Hawke, why are these our friends?"
Shrugging, Hawke looked back at the leader. "Why exactly would you think I have this gem?"
"Either you has it, or you can take us to who does. Either way, we gets it. And we aren't goin' anywhere without it."
"Are you sure about that?" she asked coolly. It had been a disappointingly long time since some random group of mercenaries had jumped her in Darktown—or anywhere else, for that matter. Kirkwall was such a tidy place these days, at least, on the surface. "You don't think you may have … misread the note? I have to admit, I'm surprised you know what a note is, let alone how to read one."
"Don't need to know how to read," the leader boasted. "All I needs to know is which end of the sword goes where."
Hawke batted her eyelashes at him. "You're so big and strong. I bet you're a natural with a sword."
Behind her, Isabela choked on a laugh and Varric snorted.
"Sure am, little lady. Best you keep that toy on your back sheathed and give me what I want."
"Would that be best, do you think?" Hawke let her smile widen. "Let's find out."
She drew her sword, the leader drew his, all their companions readied their own weapons … and it was over in a matter of minutes. Hawke looked down at the leader, who was lying on his back in Darktown muck with her sword at his throat. "Now, in case you're interested, here's where you went wrong—what you really wanted, instead of a gem I've never heard of, is better equipment and weapons. You could have tried to take those. You'd have failed, naturally, but it would have been a better choice."
He gurgled at her in a tone that indicated he wasn't all that interested in her advice.
"That's not very nice," Varric told him, earning himself a glare and a gurgle.
"So, are you going to tell me what the note said, or am I going to lean just a little harder on this sword point … little man?"
He cleared his throat to indicate he was ready to talk, and gave them directions to a cave system outside town where apparently someone was waiting to hand them a fabulous gem.
Hawke decided not to bother to kill the guy, but Aveline hauled him in anyway, for 'disturbing the peace'.
"If she arrested you every time you disturbed the peace, you'd be a permanent guest," Varric remarked.
"I'm pretty sure she doesn't want that. You two game for heading out to this cave?"
"More caves. Can't anyone in this city meet in a seedy bar like normal people?"
"We do," Hawke pointed out.
"Yes, because we have a working understanding of the way things ought to be."
She laughed. "Do we? Feels like an overstatement."
"Shall we get the elf?" Varric suggested. "He likes caves."
"He does not, in fact, like caves," Hawke corrected. "And we should get him anyway. Isabela? Think you can retrieve Fenris for us?"
"She means bring him along, not spend half the day 'convincing' him," Varric called after the pirate's receding backside. "Hawke, we might as well go to the Hanged Man. This will take her forever."
"Probably." Hawke smiled, but her heart wasn't in it. She was happy for her friends, of course she was, but … jealous, too. And that was the one thing she couldn't talk about with Varric.