At first, Dogma had been excited when Captain Rex told him he was being reassigned. Don't get him wrong, he loved the 501st and Torrent Company, but he'd felt a bit off since coming here. Tup had assured him countless times that it would get better and he just had to get used to it, but Dogma didn't know how to get used to something that was so unpredictable and always changing.
Seeing a Jedi in action after learning about it for years was exhilarating, but also made Dogma feel conflicted. General Skywalker was clearly very skilled, and he was the general for a reason, and should be respected as such. But…well, Dogma didn't know how he felt about his spontaneity.
General Skywalker saw rules and regulations, the very things that Dogma based his whole view around, as nothing more than guidelines. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and let his emotions lead his decisions instead of his mind. Those were traits that confused and frustrated Dogma to no end, but seeing them in General Skywalker was different than seeing them in clones like Fives or Hardcase.
As unorthodox as his methods were, General Skywalker got results. And whether Dogma agreed with his methods or not didn't matter, because at the end of the day General Skywalker was his commanding officer. His superior. Dogma and his brothers had been created to follow the orders of the jedi. So Dogma did as he was told, even if his chest ached and he had a minor crisis every time General Skywalker's orders conflicted with the regulations.
He respected and admired General Skywalker, but if Dogma was being honest with himself, serving under him was very anxiety-inducing, and none of his brothers, not even Tup, could understand why, so they couldn't really provide any comfort. Dogma had to figure it out on his own, and try to ignore the pain in his chest whenever one of the others teased him. Which happened a lot.
Whenever Dogma bit his tongue and kept his disagreements about their general's plans to himself, and he just let himself follow the orders that went against the rules, he would get teased for it. Hardcase would laugh and nudge his shoulder a little too hard while Jesse would say something about how they'd finally broken him.
If Dogma spoke his mind, not necessarily arguing or disagreeing, just pointing out the inconsistencies, everybody, even Tup and Captain Rex, would roll their eyes and tell him to lighten up. Or, as Fives had so eloquently put it one time, suggested that he go to Kix to get the stick up his butt checked out.
Dogma knew they were just teasing. That it was supposed to all be in good fun. That his brothers wouldn't do this if they didn't care at all, but that didn't make it hurt any less. He'd always been too sensitive. He took things too seriously. It was something he'd tried to change about himself, to no avail. That was just the way he was.
Dogma had been content to learn to live with it. To watch his brothers and learn to adapt from them. But now that wouldn't be necessary, because he was being transferred. To Coruscant, of all places. Everybody knew that the Corries followed the rules to the letter. He'd finally be around people who understood that the regulations were there for a reason. And Dogma hoped that if he wasn't the only stickler for the rules, then maybe he could allow himself to relax about it. Oh, he'd still follow the rules, but doing so wouldn't make him feel so empty inside.
And maybe the Coruscant Guard had better strategies for getting their brothers to listen to what they had to say about the rules, because that was something that Dogma was clearly not very good at.
He was ready to join the guard and do his duty. He just didn't really like that it was happening so soon. They would be in Coruscant in just a few days, and then Dogma's time with the 501st would be over.
Captain Rex had apologized for the short notice. Dogma assured him it was fine. He couldn't have had much warning himself.
Dogma didn't complain about how short a time he had left. He spent that first day of preparation gathering his few belongings and going through some of the necessary paperwork that Rex had surely forgotten about.
He was almost ready. All he had to do was have a physical check-up with Kix, just so he had an up-to-date medical record to transfer to the guard, and then, at least technically, he was prepared, which was good, because they'd be in Coruscant the day after tomorrow.
"Dogma." He lifted his gaze from his datapad when he heard a brother's voice. He looked up to see Captain Rex stepping into the small storage room that was Dogma's regular retreat when he needed a little privacy. "What are you doing in here?"
"Just trying to find some information about the work they do in the guard." Dogma said. "I just wanted to have an idea for what I was getting into. I'm having a hard time finding any reports though, and any that there are are hidden behind security access."
"Yeah, that sounds like Fox." Rex leaned against the wall. Dogma wasn't used to seeing him look so comfortable and casual. He didn't know what to do with it. "He's going to be a good commander for you. He can be a di'kut sometimes, but clones don't reach rank if they don't care about the men beneath them."
Dogma frowned and looked at his captain. Rex looked tired, and he sounded like he was trying to convince himself rather than Dogma.
"I know, Sir." Dogma said. "I'll be alright."
"I know you will." Rex gave him a sad look that Dogma didn't like. It was like he was getting ready to say goodbye, and not just for a simple transfer. "I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Fox says the guard is tough, but maybe that's what you need." He scoffed fondly and shook his head. "You'll certainly be a better fit for them than Hardcase. He's the one I considered first, you know."
No, Dogma had not known that. "Why did you change your mind?" As soon as he asked the question, he realized he was probably out of line. "I'm sorry, Sir, I-"
"No, no, it's okay, Soldier.' Rex raised a hand to stop his apology. "Fives just raised some compelling points." That sad look was back in his eyes. "You have a lot of potential, Dogma. I hope Fox and his men can help you in ways that I couldn't." It sounded like an apology, but that didn't make sense. What could Rex have to apologize for?
"I don't understand, Sir." Dogma said quietly.
"That's okay." Rex put a hand on his shoulder. "Why don't you go spend some time with the others before you go. Trust me, the Corrie's leave rarely corresponds with ours. Take advantage of your brothers while you can."
Dogma didn't socialize just for the fun of it. He liked to sit in the vicinity of his brothers and do his own thing while enjoying their company. The others didn't really like to do things that way though. They thought it was uncomfortable and a waste of time to get together just to sit and read . That was why Dogma had taken to reading in storage rooms instead of in the barracks.
Rex had a point though. He was leaving the 501st soon. He liked Torrent Company too much to leave without a word. They'd been good to him. The least they deserved was a proper goodbye.
"Yes, Sir." Dogma said. He put away his datapad and let Rex lead him out of the small room. With one more squeeze to his shoulder, Rex went on his way, and Dogma headed towards the barracks. Most brothers were probably in the mess hall right now, but he wasn't hungry, and definitely wasn't in the mood to be with a large crowd. He would rather spend some time with his brothers one-on-one.
Dogma knew that Hardcase liked to work out or spar during dinner time, and then take advantage of the empty showers to really take his time. On the days when Dogma was more sensitive than usual and being in a crowd, even among brothers, wasn't appealing to him, he would join Hardcase.
Those were some of Dogma's favorite evenings. Hardcase teased him about a lot of things, but never when he was anxious to be around people. And Hardcase understood that oftentimes when Dogma said that he was feeling crowded and overwhelmed with the number of people, that didn't mean that he wanted to be alone. He just needed less attention.
Sure, getting his butt kicked in the gym wasn't Dogma's idea of a good time, and showering with just one brother was somehow more humiliating than doing it with dozens of others. But Dogma still liked it, and he wished he had taken the chance to do it more.
He was probably finishing up by now. Maybe Dogma would join him tomorrow. But there was no reason why Dogma couldn't at least spend a little time with him. So he went to the barracks, knowing that Hardcase would be back there sooner or later.
The racks were far from empty. A number of brothers were sitting on the floor playing sabacc, and a handful were already asleep, either because they had an early morning shift, or they were still tired from the last campaign. It wasn't as loud and crowded as the mess would be. This was quiet enough for Dogma. Especially since everyone else was more invested in what they were doing, they didn't so much as look his way.
Dogma went to Hardcase's bunk and made himself comfortable as he pulled out his datapad again. He considered his bed to be just for sleeping and nothing else. His brothers' beds were fair game though.
Reading and listening to the white noise of the sabacc players, Dogma felt comfortable and easy. He was both alone, and connected to the others, and that was always how he had liked it. It made waiting really easy. It didn't feel like too long before Hardcase burst through the doors. He looked relaxed, and he smiled broadly when he saw Dogma.
"There you are." Hardcase said just a little too loudly. He strode over to Dogma and sat on the bed next to him, crowding him. "I haven't seen you all day."
"I've been busy." Dogma said. Hardcase gave him an odd look, which was a familiar sight from all of the brothers he had any interaction with.
"Doing what? I know you didn't have a shift today." Hardcase said. He smirked in that way that made Dogma instinctively raise his defenses, because he knew what was going to follow. "Are you that lost without your precious structure that you went looking for work? Didn't you learn how to relax on Kamino?"
Dogma's mouth thinned. He tucked his datapad away and moved to get off the bed, but Hardcase threw an arm around his shoulder and pulled him back. Dogma yelped in a way that had Hardcase chuckling.
"Hey, I'm just messing with you." Hardcase said. The thing was, Hardcase, Jesse, and Fives teased and messed with him so much, and it was always on the same topics. It made Dogma think that they really did think there was something wrong with him.
"You shouldn't work yourself so hard." Hardcase said in a surprisingly quiet tone. Dogma stilled. He rarely heard Hardcase speak in a tone that was louder than average. "You're more than just a soldier, there to do what you're told, and never anything else."
Dogma understood what Hardcase was saying, but he also didn't. They'd literally been created to fight in this war. Without this fight, without their orders, their existence had no meaning. What was he supposed to do then? Find his own meaning? That was for people who didn't have a purpose programmed into them at birth.
Sitting here with Hardcase though, Dogma realized that he was going to miss him. He'd known it before, but having the knowledge was one thing. Right now was the first time he could feel the pain and longing deep in his chest, and he hadn't even left yet. He didn't know how he would take it when he was gone, without any of his brothers.
Dogma's throat tightened and he leaned against Hardcase, letting himself be held. He hadn't thought much about the fact that he was going to be alone. He'd been focused on the work aspect. But this would be the first time that he was on his own.
He knew he would have brothers there. The guard were just as much clones as the rest of them were. But they would still be total strangers to Dogma, and without Tup or another brother to pull him out of his comfort zone, how was he supposed to open himself up to his new brothers?
He was still looking forward to going to Coruscant. He still thought the work would be good. But he really didn't want to be alone.
"D-did Rex tell you that he had thought about transferring you to the Coruscant Guard?" Dogma asked without thinking. He found himself wanting Hardcase or another brother to be transferred with him. It wasn't realistic, and it was really selfish, but he still wanted it. He wanted a big brother at his side.
Hardcase snorted, and Dogma pushed his desire down. Getting his hopes up, even that small amount, and even just for a short moment, had been a mistake.
"Can you just imagine me with those stuck up snobs?" Hardcase laughed. They'd send me back after five minutes."
Dogma bit his inner lip. "I don't think they're that bad."
"That's just 'cause you haven't been to Coruscant yet." Hardcase sad. "Everything you've heard, they're all that, and worse."
Dogma frowned. "Oh." There went any hope he had of bonding with the guard. Most of what he'd heard about them was that they were distant. They kept up their soldier shields, even when they were just among brothers.
Hardcase tightened his grip on him. "Hey, don't worry about them. Rex clearly came to his senses. As far as I know, I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me."
"Y-yeah." Dogma looked determinedly at the wall. "Maybe…maybe I really did work too hard today. I'm kinda tired."
He could feel Hardcase giving him a look of concern. "Did you want to get some food?"
Dogma shook his head. "No, you can go."
"No way." Hardcase said. "Not a chance." He pulled Dogma closer. "I'll get something later tonight."
Dogma couldn't help the relief he felt. He felt overwhelmed, and that was usually when he most wanted to be alone, but when he joined the guard he imagined that he would be lonelier than ever, and he was scared. He didn't want to be alone. He wasn't ready for it yet, so he closed his eyes and leaned into Hardcase's touch.
Dogma dozed off, his mind spinning with his thoughts and concerns. He didn't dream at all, but when he started to wake from his restless sleep he felt somehow more tired and anxious than he'd been before. It was tempting to curl back into Hardcase's protective hold and go back to sleep, but Dogma knew it wouldn't be that easy. His thoughts wouldn't calm down, and he'd just feel worked up.
Dogma wasn't the type to lie around and do nothing. If he was awake, he needed to be productive. So he reluctantly pulled away from Hardcase and got out of bed. It was still early, and many brothers were still asleep. He quietly grabbed a fresh set of blacks and made his way to the showers, but as soon as he entered the shower area he realized this might be a mistake.
There were only two or three others freshening up at this time. There wasn't the usual ruckus and noise. It was quiet, and Dogma knew that it would be far too easy to start spiraling in his thoughts all over again. And once he started showering and thinking, it would be difficult to stop, because there was nobody around to distract him, and nobody waiting and rushing him.
Feeling frustrated with himself, Dogma just changed into his fresh clothes and left the showers, instead making his way to the mess hall. After skipping dinner, he was hungry. And the mess hall always had a more welcoming energy to it. Even if just a handful of brothers were eating, it would be better than nothing.
Dogma got himself his food, even grabbing some of the coveted pudding rations. It had been some time since they'd gotten supplies, so they had long-since run out of fresh food. However, because they were due back at Coruscant tomorrow, all of the good stuff that they'd been rationing out was being made available now, since they didn't exactly need to make it last.
Dogma scanned the tables, looking for someplace to sit, and he smiled to himself when he saw Jesse. He didn't know the other very well, but he was still a familiar and relatively friendly face. It was better than solitude.
Dogma approached the table, and fortunately Jesse saw him coming. He gave him a small wave and moved his tray to give Dogma room to sit across from him.
"You're up early." Dogma said.
"I'm stuck on a shift today." Jesse grumbled. Dogma passed him one of his puddings, because he really didn't need two. Jesse took it, looking grateful. "I'm just looking forward to finally getting to Coruscant. I'm ready for a break."
Dogma's stomach twisted and he looked at his food. He suddenly didn't feel very hungry.
"Hey, we were planning on going to 79s tomorrow." Jesse said. "Why don't you come with us? I think a strong drink could be just the thing you need to get you to relax."
Dogma blinked. A social gathering. Getting together, just for fun, just because you could. It wasn't something Dogma did. It certainly wasn't something the others, and especially not Jesse, invited him to.
He wanted to go. He didn't think he'd like it at all, but he wanted to. He wanted to be at ease with his brothers. But he couldn't. Not this time.
"I would love to." Dogma said. "But I can't. I need to work." His chest tightened unexpectedly when he saw Jesse's expression darken to something a little more than annoyance.
"We don't work while we're on leave." Jesse said. "None of us do." But Dogma wouldn't be on leave when they got to Coruscant. He would start working with the guard right away. Didn't he know that?"
Jesse shook his head. "I told Hardcase you wouldn't come. Next time though, do me a favor and just tell me you don't want to spend time with us."
Dogma's chest panged. He hated when his brothers did this. Just because he didn't want to go out didn't mean that he didn't want to be around them. But he didn't address that, because something else bothered him more.
"Did you actually want me to come, or did Hardcase want me to come?" Dogma asked.
"Of course it was his idea." Jesse said. It shouldn't sting, but it did. "I knew you wouldn't lower your precious standards enough to have a little fun."
"Why would you ask when it's clear you wouldn't want me to come anyway?" Dogma asked. He knew there was no point in arguing that he wasn't like that. Despite what his brothers thought, he did like to have fun, and he knew that there was a time and place to relax. He wouldn't be able to convince Jesse of that. He'd tried, and all it did was turn into an argument that left hurt that lingered for a long time.
"Because I thought if you relaxed enough to even consider going out with us, there might be a chance that you could be fun to hang out with after all." Jesse said as he finished off his pudding. The pudding that Dogma had given him. He felt anger and hurt swirl in his chest, as well as the loneliness from the day before.
How was it that he felt at his most loneliest when he was at his brother's side?
"If being around me bothers you so much, I'll stop torturing you with my presence." Dogma said stiffly. He stood up and pushed his barely touched tray of food closer to Jesse, ignoring his brother's confused look. "I hope you have a good shift." He left the mess hall. His stomach was hurting more than before, but he didn't think it was because he was hungry.
Dogma walked blankly down the halls for a bit, not really having a destination in mind. He just needed to move, and he needed to be away from brothers. His mind felt numb and he felt like he was going through the motions. He didn't know how long he wandered around, but at some point he found himself near the medbay.
He remembered that he was supposed to have a physical examination. He was already here. Maybe if he did something that he was supposed to do, then he could ground himself. It was worth a try.
Dogma entered the empty medbay. There were a few clones in beds who had been injured during their last campaign, but it was relatively empty and quiet. Dogma felt the ease come over him that he always did when he was in the medbay. Structure and guidelines were important here, and none of the medics got mocked for their strictness.
It made Dogma wish that he'd received medical training. Maybe he'd be able to fit in a little more.
Kix was doing some paperwork, but he didn't hesitate to set it aside when he saw Dogma.
"I was wondering when you'd come in." Kix said. "Are you ready?"
Dogma nodded. He followed Kix to a smaller room in the back. Kix knew that Dogma preferred his privacy, and him respecting that made him feel a little more at ease, though his chest still felt heavy and dark.
The physical itself took just a few minutes. It was just to double-check that he was cleared for work. It was over quickly, but Dogma felt like this was just the start.
"Are you nervous about the guard?" Kix asked.
"I wasn't." Dogma said. "At first." He took a deep breath. He wondered if getting something off his chest could ease things a little.
"You'll do fine." Kix said confidently. He started to gather his things. "The guard'll be lucky to have someone like you." He made his way to the door. Dogma was running out of time.
"C-can I talk to you about something?" Dogma asked. Kix paused and looked at him over his shoulder.
"Is something wrong?" Kix asked. Dogma found that he didn't know how to answer that. He wanted to talk, but he didn't know how to start. What was he supposed to say? That he was feeling homesick even though he hadn't left yet? That he needed an older brother to hold his hand? That he'd gotten his feelings hurt because he was too sensitive and didn't know how to stand up for himself when it came to emotional matters?
Those were small matters that he was making into a big deal for no reason. It wasn't worth bothering a medic about. Dogma was embarrassed to realize that he didn't want to talk to his medic, he wanted to talk to his brother, who had more important things to do right now.
Dogma felt frustrated and horrified with himself. He wasn't supposed to be so emotional and selfish. Work was important, and yet here he was, keeping Kix from his work, just because he didn't know who else to talk to. But if these feelings lingered in Coruscant, what if he wasn't able to do his work well? If it impacted his performance, then that was something that the medic should know about.
Dogma still couldn't get the words out. He couldn't even try. He just stood there and stared at Kix, who waited patiently. There was no hint of annoyance in the medic's eyes, but how long would that last for? The thought made Dogma's throat tighten, and even if he found the words, he wouldn't be able to say them.
A minute passed, and Kix finally broke eye-contact. He looked at the door. "Look, Dogma, it's clear you need some time to figure things out. I want to help you, and I'm here to listen, but I can't if you won't talk to me." This was said with as much sympathy and patience as a medic could muster, but Dogma still felt like he was being scolded like a cadet.
"I need to get back to work, but my door's always open." Kix said. "Do you have your communicator or datapad?" Dogma nodded and handed over his pad. Kix typed on it. "This is the number for my personal communication line. If you ever need to talk, no matter how trivial you think it is, don't hesitate to call. Please."
Dogma nodded and took back his datapad, holding it close. He knew that Kix meant what he said, but he was also very busy. He'd been able to spare a minute today before he needed to go back to work. Dogma didn't blame him. Kix was busy. He shouldn't be burdened with Dogma's emotional issues. Not when there were other brothers he needed to worry about. Brothers that were actually in his company. The well-being of the 501st mattered to Kix. In the grand scheme of things, Dogma meant nothing.
Kix went back to work, and Dogma returned to walking down the halls. He felt more lost than before. The day had still just begun. He didn't know how he was supposed to get through the rest of the day.
He needed his vod. He needed Tup. His brother was always able to tell when Dogma was having a bad day, and he always knew how to make it better, even when Dogma himself didn't know what he needed.
Tup liked to sleep in late when they weren't in a campaign. Even though there were starting to be people walking up and about, Dogma had no doubt that Tup would be in the bunks for another hour or so. And hopefully they'd be empty enough that they could have a little privacy.
Dogma walked quickly to the barracks and went in, though he froze in his tracks when he heard the quiet sound of crying.
It wasn't unusual for clones to cry in the barracks. It was their one and only safe space. There was no judgement about it. What made Dogma pause was that he recognized the voice. He'd recognize Tup anywhere. But the question was, why was his vod crying?"
"It's going to be okay." Another brother said comfortingly. Dogma looked towards Tup's bunk. There was his vod, curled up on his bed with Fives holding him close.
"I don't want him to go." Tup sobbed into Fives' chest. Dogma knew that he was talking about him. Tup was crying over him.
How was Dogma supposed to seek comfort from his brother when he was upset himself? That would be more selfish than anything, to take comfort from Tup, only to leave tomorrow, letting the others pick up the pieces for him.
Dogma knew Tup. If he went to see him now, his brother would put on a brave face, and maybe he'd feel better in the moment, but then his pain would come back stronger than before.
Tup was already grieving and missing him, and Dogma thought it might be for the best if he let him.
Still, it wasn't easy to walk away, so Dogma lingered just out of sight for a moment as Fives tried to offer comfort to Tup.
"Just think about it this way." Fives said. "Dogma'll fit right in with the guard. He's going to thrive there, so you don't have to worry about him."
Dogma felt like he was punched in the gut. He took a step back, deciding that he'd had enough. He felt lonelier than he had ever been, and every time he sought out a brother it just got worse. He didn't think he could take any more. He was going to Coruscant tomorrow. He was officially joining the guard. He needed to have control of his emotions. He needed to calm down, which meant he needed to be alone, because clearly he wasn't going to calm down by being in the company of others.
Dogma closed his eyes and turned away from the barracks. He returned to the storage room that Captain Rex had found him in yesterday. He felt like he was running away, but he couldn't help it. He needed to breathe. He needed to gather himself. And he needed today to be over so he could get back to work and have something to distract him from the unbearable weight in his chest.