A/N: Responses have been mild, but reader interest appears to be consistent. I'll push out a few more chapters and see if anything sticks. Please review (one-word vagaries do not help me focus on improvements) and unsigned reviews will most likely be discarded. Your thoughts and comments are always appreciated.
This next chapter sort of wrote itself once the concept got stuck in my brain. Maybe it's the voices or the root beer…naaaaaaaaaaaw!
Whose driving this bus? Clearly not me.
P.S.: Yes, I'm working on the next chapter of NotB: Taming of the Savage Beast. Nope, not sure when it will be done but I'm making better progress now that their's some space freed up with this next batch of No More completed.
Anywho… enjoy as you will…
~Siva'a-tasi
~III~
A/N: Updated Feb 05, 2019 to correct grammar and spelling issues. The goal was to clean up some of the transitions and attempt to better identify when the characters are speaking/ thinking/transitioning from one scene to another.
Chapter 2: Peas in the Same Twisted Pod
~Previously on No More…
Not even pausing to see if the quietly chatting door guards noticed his mad dash, his feet touched down just long enough to launch his body skyward to the nearest rooftop. Pushing off in the direction of the tower, Naruto roof-hopped until he crested the building next to the tower before planting both feet on the stone ledge using his bullet-like momentum to pop his trajectory up onto the domed roof of the central spire. Freezing for another ten-count, he padded softly to the edge of the dome and dropped down to the balcony on the back side of the Hokage's office. Pausing again to make sure the only sound within twenty yards was his own labored breathing, Naruto slipped into the window whose lock he'd jammed up earlier in the afternoon during his last-minute visit the Hokage following his third failure.
~At Home Early the Next Morning After the Hokage Tower Break-In ~
Naruto was wondering just what he'd done to deserve this particular level of hell. Maybe he shouldn't have had that ninth bowl of Ichiraku's? Maybe he forgot to give his monthly donation at Inari's shrine? Maybe he'd finally been driven over the edge and was just now going stark-raving nutsoid?
Maybe, just maybe, he should have left the damn scroll where it was in Jiji's office.
Maybe…
His train of self-destructive thought crashed to a jarring halt as another empty ramen cup bounced off his forehead protector. Naruto's head sunk into the palms of his hands, his fingers clenching and unclenching into the blond mop that sprouted from his cranium, as he considered the catastrophic implications this little meeting was having on his emergency ramen supply.
At this point, his meager hovel of a home had been invaded. His home had been physically invaded by slightly-altered carbon copies of himself and all but three of them were shoveling noodle-to-face in an inhumane fashion.
Is this what people thought of him when he ate ramen? Were they this disgusted by his lack of manners?
To make matters worse, the vast majority of them were hovering around his battered coffee table gesticulating heatedly at each other (when not gorging themselves) matching the argumentative and aggravated voices that accompanied such a conflict-heavy pastime. Voices clashed making his brain vibrate painfully and it showed in his posture, the hunched back of the condemned.
At some point, one of the three colorful characters of feminine inclination settled down next to him and began to gently rub small circles into his back with a very tender palm. Although initially soothing, it did little to assuage the blossoming migraine chipping away at the front of his skull.
Since when did he see himself as a girl and why were all his female personas ridiculously hot!? Also, did that make him some weirded-out pervert?
He hoped not.
Everything about today only served to confuse him more and the frustrated youth didn't think he could handle the implications of that extra identity crisis.
Who was he?
What was he?
Did he actually pass?
His fingers brushed against the battered plate affixed to his forehead. It would be a week before the dust settled on his involvement with the nasty traitor. Until then, he could do naught but sit and spin.
'Why did I ever think listening to Mizuki-teme was a good idea?'
He really wasn't expecting an answer, but the continued theme of confusion reverberated in-line with that question since Jiji left him swinging in the breeze without any sort of definitive course of action. If he were being absolutely honest with himself, a candid answer was just a brain cell or two away along with a full-blown sociopathic break.
Another empty ramen cup chose that moment to bounce off the top of his head making his twitching left eye flicker a bit harder.
Let's be real here. Any half-wit could see that the ANBU didn't offer make-up exams for academy failures, but he'd been desperate. He'd been desperate enough to partially buy-in to the outright lie and look at how that turned out for him.
Looking up at his confrontational alter egos from between his clenched fingers noting the eight very different figures sharing his genetics, Naruto Uzumaki cursed himself one more time for choosing that damnable family of jutsu that had made his entire life of academia a rotting hell.
Clones.
They made his life hell all throughout the academy. Why wouldn't Shadow Clones continue to make his life miserable after the fact? It literally was hell on earth.
Only this time his personal hell came with cellmates.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Reactions were both varied and instantaneous, not to mention deafening in the echoing silence of his now overly-crowded living room-slash-dining area-slash-kitchenette. Even the oddly-disturbing buzz-cut nin wearing dark shinobi body armor and mesh reinforced with overlapping plated greaves along both forearms and shins paused in his focused note-taking and militaristic room evaluations (during his Chishiki-appointed task of assessing Naruto's apartment as a defendable mini-fortress) to openly gape. Equally disturbing was the burgeoning realization that, no matter how minuscule the sphere of influence, he had power.
They listened to his voice.
They responded to his authority.
Okay, so they were only chakra-laced copies of himself no matter how relatively different they may have looked or acted (hinting at some deep-seated mental breakdown he'd really want to evaluate closely later) but they acknowledged him when no one else would.
That had to count for something, didn't it?
He had to also admit that the shocked faces and slack jaws staring back at him were an added bonus.
For once in his life, Naruto Uzumaki wasn't totally alone anymore, and he had minions to support him in his future plans to rule the shinobi world. He just had to figure out what the hell was going on first and why they weren't all exact duplicates of the original… like the first couple hundred he'd blasted into being during the Great Mizuki Beat Down.
Well, first things first…
"Just… stop yelling. You're making my brain hurt." His eyes slid closed as his entire forehead pulsed in agony.
The red-headed female to his left rose to her feet alongside Naruto and hugged him to her stomach, humming a soothing tune that actually made his skull throb a bit less. For a clone, she felt amazingly soft and warm, the contact soothing his throbbing brain.
Chishiki Uzumaki, the tidier version of himself wearing ochre-colored robes with eggshell trimming - sans whisker marks, cleared his throat indicating he might have something to contribute. Chishiki was nothing if not neat, proper, and polite - a complete polar opposite to the original.
In the two hours this group had been holding their impromptu clan meeting, he'd picked up on a few quirks that each clone's representation manifested.
Nodding his head to acknowledge the speaker's podium, which just meant Shiki-kun floated up from his lotus position on the far side of the dented up coffee table (why were two of the three copies of himself dressed in robes sitting on the floor lotus style anyway?) and gently cleared his throat.
Seeing as his input was not required while "Chishiki-sama" had the floor, the taciturn combat nin resumed his journey through the dwelling in single-minded devotion to the "greater plan."
Chishiki twisted his shoulders to allow said nin the room he needed to pass by into the kitchen where he began taking measurements on the ancient fridge muttering about anti-personnel countermeasures and recessed launching mechanisms.
Naruto cringed before tearing his gaze away from the second-most vital location in his home wondering if he would ever be safe enough to cook in there again and desperately focused on the slightly taller and much less rumpled version of himself.
Briefly noting the flowing mid-back-length locks of the same sun-gold crown he himself sported, Naruto glanced up from his spot on the couch between the curvy platinum blonde female about his own age and the crimson-haired beauty old enough to be a sister three or four years his senior, the latter of which resumed gently rubbing his back. If they weren't chakra constructs from his own coils, and despite years of skulking around The Blossom seeing women in various states of undress, he would have burst into a tomato-like rendition of Hinata Hyuuga Part Two. Instead, he tried to focus his mind on the stately clone waiting patiently for him to gather his fractured attention span.
Seeing that he had the original's attention, Chishiki smiled briefly and wrapped his left hand around the twin-like bang framing his nearly emotionless face as he tried to summarize his theories using words small enough for "The Boss" to understand.
Thinking again how he hated that name for their leader, he took a deep breath and began slowly.
"It would appear that we are at an impasse…," Shiki cleared his throat and glanced briefly at the original to gauge his level of confusion, "…pause in our development while the Hokage investigates what happened four hours ago."
Naruto tried not to groan too loudly after his eyes flickered to the wall clock by the battered TV set in the far corner that read zero-four-one-six.
"Logic dictates that Mizuki-sensei-."
Here the stunning bluenette version of Naruto standing just off to the right side of the couch, and next to the curvaceous blond he recognized from his Sexy Technique used to subdue perverts and closet perverts alike, growled forcing Shiki-kun to autocorrect.
"Excuse me. As I was saying, logic dictates that Mizuki-teme..."
She purred in contentment as Chishiki bravely plodded on and Naruto tried very hard not to sneak a peek at her tight leather attire.
"…will most likely be found guilty of attempting to corrupt us into aiding his dastardly attempt to exfiltrate,"
Shiki-kun almost…almost…rolled his eyes in frustration this time.
"…flee the village with the forbidden Scroll of Seals, which we obtained for him despite our internal conflict over the act."
The heavy, heavy sigh from the slimmer embodiment of intelligence brought a deep-seated smile of bliss to Naruto's face; apparently, he could annoy even himself.
"Aaaah-miiii-tuoooo-fooooooo!" Clap!
Most pairs of eyes glanced down by the talking copy's right knee in confusion. Naruto, just as confused as most everyone else, looked down to see the bald version of himself wearing bright orange and gold robes, his hands still pressed firmly with the palms together in prayer and his clean pate rising slowly from his study of the dingy carpet. When it was clear that the mostly-silent monk (why the hell did he have a psyche fragment straight out of a Shaolin Temple movie anyway?) wasn't going to continue, he tore his confused gaze from the two dots on his scalp back to the inversely long-haired version. Still very confused at this point, his thoughts and eyes flipped back to the Wudang disciple just as his warrior/ scholarly topknot was rising from acknowledging the monosyllabic interruption.
He had to secretly admit, those old movies of the Shaolin monks versus the Wudang Temple scholars were some of his favorite and he hoarded them whenever possible, cheesy sound effects and rotten audio translations aside.
"Exactly," Shiki-kun commented as he turned back to the original. "As Keihatsu-kun has succinctly stated,"
Naruto blinked sheepishly as his eyes flickered between the robed bookends.
"…it is a calm mind that will help us sort through this entang-mess." Shiki irritably clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.
Naruto wanted to call bullshit on that translation or at least see the cliff notes.
'Enlightenment, hnh?' Naruto was beginning to see a pattern in both their preferred appearances and naming conventions. He filed it away under "Partially-Developed Concepts Requiring Further Consideration" before turning to the now-speaking bombshell blonde on his immediate right. He decided it was best to blatantly ignore the militant shinobi moving on to the bathroom muttering about needing more high-grade explosives and instead pondered why his Sexy Jutsu had come to life and was sitting on his couch.
"Kei-kun is correct, but that doesn't get us closer to solving what we need to do next," the curvy blonde chirped.
Several of the identical-slash-similar faces were nodding in agreement.
Chishiki bobbed his head once recognizing the validity of her statement.
"True, and it highlights the very obvious nature of my point."
There were several blank expressions to indicate his point was anything but obvious, at least to anyone else in the room. Shiki-kun sighed once again, a sound resonating with such disappointment that several clones blushed in shame at not having the same powers of deduction.
"He's saying that there is nothing we can do because there's nothing we need to do."
This statement flung into the middle of the family huddle by the resonating bass of the resident whack-a-doodle drew another intonation from the bald monk, a gently-curving tug at the corner of Shiki-kun's mouth, and stunned silence from most of the remaining audience.
This lasted all of twenty seconds before the clone wearing a sea-blue battle robe over a crimson red underrobe darted quickly over to the entrance to frantically snatch up a wooden geta so that he could slap it alongside his own noggin with a far-off gaze to his eyes… eyes pointed somewhere beyond the ceiling of Naruto's apartment. He then proceeded to wander in small circles around the tiny kitchenette table bobbing his head to some secret conversation accompanied by the occasional grunt of acceptance.
"Unh… Hai! Hai!... Unh…I'll take five bowls please."
Everyone else chose (wisely) to continue disregarding the eccentric clone, previously identified as Kenshin Uzumaki, and returned to the problem at hand.
"Why would I just sit here and accept whatever scraps the Council decides to throw me… us… whatever?"
Despite how often he'd been assured that these disparate personalities were all pieces of his larger one, he still wasn't sure that this whole conversation didn't constitute some stressed-out mental relapse. He was even less sure that he wouldn't wake up either strapped to some science lab table any minute now or find himself bouncing around a cushy padded room with a tiny window and a personalized huggy jacket.
He was having a hard time accepting advice from his own shattered personality.
"Consider this Naruto-sama, er…Naruto, that every time we've felt the need to do something it has ended badly, horribly for us… has it not?"
Naruto's only response was to tilt his head to the side and scrunch his face into a facsimile of concentration.
"Very well," Chishiki continued, "I shall simplify the problem for us."
He held up a thumb.
"Your plan to replace all the ANBU masks in the armory with edible fruit versions set us back thirty-thousand Ryu when Hokage-sama discovered the scheme."
Naruto scowled indignantly. "Oi! They enjoyed that holiday gift!"
In retaliation, Shiki-kun let fly with his best, "are you bat-shit crazy" glare.
"They're still paying the Aburame Clan to routinely purge the barracks of ants every three months when they stumble across a stray mask. Additionally," his pointer finger joined the thumb in anarchy, "…dyeing the Nara herds festive holiday colors to increase their retail value was ill-received last year as your parting prank before deciding to buckle down in the academy."
The original merely grumbled about ungrateful slackers while the sympathetic redhead gently chuckled and patted his hunched back again.
"Let's just agree that the next twenty examples you've got listed are all going to end badly for us and move on to the meaningful lesson at the end of this sordid tale," a - up to this point - somber male offered.
Naruto's eyes flickered to the brown-haired youth seated at the dining table that just spoke while watching the more eccentric crimson-maned sibling still talking animatedly into his wooden shoe. Naruto had used that very henge multiple times once he'd discovered his transformations were solid manifestations (Shiki-kun's word, not his) that allowed him to wander through his own village without hateful glares or outrageously inflated prices to things he generally needed to survive. He liked ramen, but he also realized early on that it wasn't a healthy lifestyle choice. Besides, eating meals with the ladies across the street had proven that he liked variety even more when it was well prepared.
As an added perk to the whole multiple personality crisis he was experiencing, he liked the doppelganger's reserved personality. It fit in well with his generic appearance and helped to blend in with the crowd when he was being chased by angry villagers.
Apparently, a calm and reserved demeanor didn't mean that particular clone was a fan of marathon-length meetings. They'd need to compress these better in the future… wait, what was he saying?
"As you wish, Nintai-kun." Shiki-kun turned back to Naruto with an upturned eyebrow as if to say, 'Need I say more?' forcing the exhausted shinobi to concede the point with a reluctant head nod.
"Suffice to say, it is in our best interest to do nothing that would hinder our opportunities for an amicable resolution of our plight until the Hokage has resolved the adverse impact of our actions this evening and levied appropriate reparations to all parties involved. Instead, I suggest we focus on improving our current state of being and prepare to enact the best-case alternative, namely that of Naruto-sa… Naruto actually being confirmed as a Genin in the service of Konoha given that Iruka-sensei did bestow upon him the honorable mantle of achievement."
"Words… so many words," the original mumbled.
Naruto's expression was one of immense pain and confusion. Listening to Shiki-kun made his ears hurt and the grimace on his whiskered face clearly stated as much.
Taking pity on the boy, the gorgeous creature to his left leaned in and whispered something he could make heads or tails of.
"He's saying not to be rash and wait for the decision. Acting hastily when we have no control or influence will only make things worse for us and might make the Council punish us just to make you suffer, and, if you suffer, we all suffer with you."
She could literally see the pain melt from his face with her much simpler explanation. Why hadn't the nerdy guy said so?
"Instead, let's assume that Iruka's hitai-ate on your forehead means we've passed finally and that we should take the week off they've given us and use it to train so that we're ready to get a team."
All of the clones had an identical metal plate strapped somewhere on their body. Shiki-kun had his wrapped around his left bicep. Kei-kun wore one around his waist as did the dark beauty leaning against the wall next to Naruko-chan (he really needed to learn her name). The walking-talking G.I. Joe action figure wore his around a bulging right bicep (really, just how did he get so buff anyway?) and his female twin and the taller nee-chan both wore theirs around their necks while Tai-kun mirrored Naruto and wore it strapped to his forehead. No one knew where the crazy red-headed male wore his and none of them were very anxious to find out either. He just knew that they all had one… just like he did.
They were Genin now.
The sublime look of comprehension that melted across Naruto's face said more than any over-emotional outburst he could provide. With a weary nod and a semi-conscious smile, the fatigued bundle of energy rose from the couch with a grunt and staggered into the back room. Not two seconds later the sound of his body flopping onto the rickety mattress echoed into the living room followed by the sounds of soft snoring. Not ten seconds later the soft laughter of all three females on and around the tattered sofa joined in the melodious serenade.
As if on some subliminal cue, all replicas not attempting to invasion-proof the small efficiency or arguing with their accessories turned their attention to the top-knotted scholar of the bunch. It was the curvy blond female, however, that spoke first into the comfortable silence.
"How do we fix this, Shiki-kun?"
"You are assuming that I have the sole answer?" Several others nodded the affirmative. "Therein lies our first mistake."
Before they could bombard him with angry questions solving absolutely nothing, he gently raised a palm to indicate he would explain further begging an added moment of patience. Trying not to yell, which would disturb the Alpha, he padded silently to the bathroom, adeptly dodged the lobbed rubber ducky from the startled combatant, then motioned for said high-strung individual to rejoin the group.
"Now, I am willing to be the spokesman for our collective, however, we must understand that we are pieces of the greater whole and a successful plan supporting our leader will have to come from all sides. To that point, we are truly either in this together or not at all. I will not further hinder his already damaged psyche with additional chaos and confusion from us as we fail to come to a consensus and try to sabotage each other in some rabid bid to curry his favor."
His open palm indicated the collective faces considering his words. Chishiki even noticed the normally deranged eyes of the wild-maned Uzumaki staring intently at the stoic ringleader with…interest dare he say?
One by one they locked eyes with the soft-spoken shadow clone and nodded their complicity, including even the psychopath bedecked in dark blue robes littered haphazardly with crimson swirls. With that final show of fidelity, he began to lay out his thoughts on the matter seeking prevalent input from his siblings.
"We need to understand what happened tonight and what the possible implications are. I need all of you to dissect, internalize and share your thoughts before we can lay out our plan."
Tai-kun tsked irritably but closed his eyes as they all turned inward to events that began with the failed academy finals and ended with a morning of startling revelations.
~Late the Previous Evening at the Hokage Mansion ~
Slipping into the darkened office, Naruto paused long enough for his eyes to fully adjust to the dim light punctuated by erratic flashes of color from popping fireworks out over the training grounds on the eastern end of Konoha. Several shallow breaths slowed his thundering heart and allowed the nervously sweating boy to filter out the remaining sounds not tied to his own biology.
Ticking clock on the wall by Jiji's office door…
Voices outside belonging to drunken villagers…
No extra heartbeats… good.
Pieces of the conversation with Mizuki flashed through his mind with disturbing clarity.
-0-0-0-
[Mizuki composed himself quickly and toned down his eerie grin. "Funny you should ask that, Naruto. The ANBU have a special audition for prospective gains, one I think you shouldn't have any issues with since it's a test of stealth and mechanical skills."
The exceedingly tall Chunin (Mizuki stood over two meters in height) conspiratorially wrapped an arm around Naruto's shoulder only to remove it a second later when Naruto glared at the offending limb.
"Ahem… right. Your test is to sneak into the Hokage Tower tonight and retrieve the Forbidden Scroll of Seals. You will have until midnight to remain uncaptured, learn any single jutsu on the scroll, and deliver it to the location indicated on this map."
He held out a plain scroll sealed with a sloppy doodle resembling an unmarked ANBU mask, a clean slate if you will.
Naruto's normally exuberant face had collapsed into one of absolute skepticism. "Isn't that a bit extreme? Hokage Tower is the most heavily defended location in the village even without him there."
Mizuki only chuckled in response. "It's good that you have done recon at some point and normally you'd be absolutely correct. Given that you've had a very trying day, I'll throw you a bone here."
The older shinobi leaned in and lifted a hand so that he could "whisper" from behind it as he stooped down to his "accomplice."
"Where do you think everyone will be tonight now that graduation is over?"
If sudden illumination had tactile sensations it would have weighed five hundred kilograms when it impacted Naruto's brain. Everyone would be partying tonight. It was the same every year since he could never find Jiji the night off his past failures – his office would be locked tight. More than likely he'd be out helping Clan Heads celebrate the success of their heirs considering all of the major ones passed the exams. Now he just had to get in the office early enough to see Jiji and rig his failsafe.]
-0-0-0-
Pulling the window back towards the sill without securing it, the social outcast crept in a low crouch towards the Shodaime's portrait. Adept fingers slid up the nearest edge until sensitive pads brushed against the indention near the upper right corner. With one last glance over his shoulder at the locked office door, he depressed the recessed switch and clenched his teeth as the hidden doorway slid open on the far side of the frame. Ducking down to keep his profile hidden from the wandering ANBU patrols across the way, he scampered through the portal and up the spiral staircase as the timer unwound sliding the secret entrance closed once again with a soft click.
He hated doing this to Jiji but he needed this chance. Besides, if everything went smoothly, he'd be back with the scroll before anyone knew it was gone.
Up the stairs he streaked, his feet lightly tapping on the outer edges of the wooden steps to prevent unnecessary creaking – better to not take unnecessary chances. Many a proven shinobi in their case studies had been caught through overconfidence and he harbored absolutely no desire to join the sad statistical lineup.
Up into the well-lit domed cavern, he bounded looking for two things: a patrol indicating his thirty-two-minute window to get in and get out had somehow expired, and the rather large scroll in the center of the large cavern resting peacefully in its cradled display.
Pausing just long enough to confirm that his was the only heartbeat in the chamber, Naruto pulled out a small tactical light and flashed it along the podium's base, sides, and molded cradle looking for alarm seals painted similar in color to the taupe-colored baluster.
-0-0-0-
["I cannot stress this enough, Naruto. If you get caught, this conversation never happened. ANBU will disavow administering this test and you'll be left to twist in the wind, understand?"
Naruto grimaced with the distasteful notion.
"That sounds awfully convenient to me…Mizuki-sensei." He hated the display of deference but couldn't afford insulting the insufferable bastard.
"Unfortunately, it's life, Naruto. Do you think the Hokage can acknowledge your actions if you're caught in another village on a high-risk spying or infiltration mission? You'd be disavowed and left to rot in order to preserve Konoha from outright war. Every ANBU knows this when they swear the oath."
He paused to glance sideways at the youth, his mouth twisted in that insufferable smirk he'd worn all year long. "It's not too late to back out."
Mizuki started to slowly lift up the scroll he'd been offering but Naruto reached out to snag it before the document could disappear.
"No, I understand the risks."
Mizuki wasn't wrong. He hated the concept even if he understood the necessity of it. ANBU didn't live a glamorous life…or even a long one at that.]
-0-0-0-
There were several seals along the sides of the small column and one just under the cradle itself. Knowing that he could foil the chakra sensors simply by not using any, Naruto shrugged and pulled a fist-sized bag out of his right rear carrier pouch.
Most thieves good enough to sneak into this place without knowledge of the layout and security measures would use chakra to access the sides of the building, locate the hidden lever and uncloak in or around the pedestal leading to the silent alarms which would alert brutally efficient ANBU responders.
Their typical response time was two and a half minutes meaning that detection, if not outright capture, was a sure bet. He idly wondered why people often neglected the old tried and true methods in favor of flashy techniques before shrugging off the obvious answer.
Despite how accomplished shinobi were at infiltration, they were in their hearts lazy, and that oft bred complacency leading to incompetence. Give him an old-fashioned snatch and grab any day.
Hefting the bean bag experimentally, Naruto very gently bunched up the attached strap secured to the outer scroll case while placing the weighted parcel a hair's breadth above the proximity seal. Counting deliberately to three, his left arm heaved on the scroll while the right simultaneously deposited the decoy directly onto the seal. With the scroll case swinging back and forth off to his side and his free hand hovering over the new replacement, Naruto flicked his eyes briefly left to right while he confirmed no errant chakra discharges fired off before backing away from the podium. Turning to exit quickly, he paused as his eyes spied a similar podium not five meters from this one with three gold-ringed scrolls draped in black cases… and froze.
The swirl on each case was the same one that adorned most of his gear but that was not what caused the hesitation. No, what froze him in place were the four words in crimson script beneath the pyramidal pile of parchment which read:
"Property of Clan Uzumaki"
~III~
~Elsewhere Inside Hokage Mansion ~
Hiruzen Sarutobi could not stop mulling over the passionate argument he'd all but discounted as smothering concern from an overly-protective adopted sister. He watched over Naruto as often as he could, and the boy seemed as well-adjusted as could be expected given his circumstance. Certainly, the early years were rough but protective measures had been put firmly in place and what could be done without upsetting the cabbage cart had been done.
He loved his surrogate grandson but a Hokage must consider the greater good first.
He would make it up to the boy later… perhaps take him for some of that pleasant-tasting ramen he favored so well and discuss perhaps an apprenticeship with his wayward godfather. Jiraiya would be here in a few weeks and, although resistant once before to the option, this would be the only way to keep Danzo and the Council from latching on to the boy and making him into the mindless weapon he feared Naruto would someday become.
Pausing to stretch his weary bones, and sighing ecstatically as his spinal column snapped, crackled, and popped into alignment, a tired old man resumed his trek up one more flight of stairs to his office.
Yes, one more quick glance to see how his despondent charge was holding up, and then he would officially retire to his chambers for one last pipe, his favorite fuzzy gorilla feet slippers, and the next chapter of his favorite guilty pleasure. He hoped Professor Shimuzen could finally woo the recalcitrant Mistress Nenkurai. Their blistering war of emotions had dragged on for so long and he felt the brave master soldier was very near a shocking breakthrough.
Tittering with anticipatory excitement, Hiruzen opened the door to his office pausing to flick on the light switch only to freeze once he heard the startled gasp of the dark garbed figure silently closing the secret hatch leading to the Hokage's personal library.
~III~
30 Seconds Beforehand...
Naruto's mouth was suddenly quite dry. No, dry would be an understatement. Parched like the deserts in the Land of Wind would be more accurate.
How many times had he asked, no begged his adopted grandfather for some small bit of his family history? How many times had he been told that it was all lost in the Kyuubi's attack fourteen years ago? How many times had he been lied to? Why was he lied to?
More importantly, what the hell was in these scrolls?
Something was tugging on the back of his mind, a feeling of urgency… a nervous itch he just couldn't quite scratch.
He stood there warring with a growing sense of outrage seeking to overpower that increasing sense of panic. In the end, his anger fueled his nervous dread turning both into frantic motion.
Reaching a momentous tactical decision, Naruto shoved the three ebony rolls of parchment into the largely empty storage scroll in his thigh holster ignoring the tingling sensation in his palm when he lifted them from their resting place and sprinted down the spiral staircase. He never noticed the nondescript seal slowly fading out of existence in the center of the pedestal.
He needed air. He needed room to breathe. He needed to make it to his rendezvous before he blew his last chance. He could yell at Hokage-jiji when things blew over.
It was as he clicked the portrait lever allowing him to re-close the secret door that the lights popped on in the room and everything turned to nin-ken poop.
~III~
As if the figure being there wasn't shocking enough, the easily identifiable scroll strapped across its back was.
When the figure turned about, Hiruzen grumbled at the very effective tactical gear breaking up his form and color. He couldn't see much as the only exposed flesh were the fingertips extending from the metal-reinforced fingerless gloves. The head was encapsulated in slate-grey cloth and a thin veil of black covered the eyes. To break up the matching swath of dark material, black tactical boots, black belt pouches, black thigh holsters, and black utility straps crisscrossed most of the figure's legs, hips, and back.
The only distinguishing feature was the forbidden scroll which drew the old man's eyes like a blinking neon sign.
Releasing some of his formidable killer intent into the air as he unsealed his favorite bo staff, Hiruzen addressed the thief he was about to kill.
"You have five seconds to place that scroll on the floor and surrender peacefully. I'd hate to leave a bloody mess for the staff to clean tomorrow."
Naruto swallowed. Hard. The overwhelming pressure was more than he'd ever experienced, and it nearly seized up his body.
The reverse vacuum sound followed by the "click" of his grandfather's favorite melee weapon snatched his eyesight like a cobra rising from the floor. He'd seen the old man practice with that before and knew that he could shatter solid wood posts with the metal reinforcement bands at either end.
If the old man ever struck him with it, there would be no second chance.
Gulping once again without the accompanying spit to ease his now scratchy throat, Naruto did the only thing he could think of and surged a crap-ton of chakra through every tenketsu in his body. He had to mold and push it without seals to prevent alerting the old man resulting in his body literally exploding with chakra.
The old man himself paused his pending charge and waited patiently for the smoke to clear, his eyes taking in the only two escape options (the office windows) for the thief since he was blocking access to the door. When the smoke began to fade, Hiruzen's back stiffened, his face burst into a deep crimson shade, and his staff clattered harmlessly to the wooden floor. Two seconds later the man himself followed the lethal instrument in a gushing trail of blood as the naked beauty emerging from the cloud of smoke daintily covered her naked extremities in a powerful display of 'help-me-I'm-trapped no jutsu,' a woman's greatest weapon against all closet perverts.
A whispered, "Princess Tsuna," trailed from his lips as he passed into blessed unconsciousness.
Oddly enough, there was a second "thud" as another figure garbed in ANBU robes and body armor shimmered into view and tumbled to the floor near the windows bordering the main street.
Naruto held in his laughter as best he could (snickering and giggling hysterically counts, right?) as he noticed the trails of blood leaking from under the ANBU's mask. Rushing over to make sure his grandfather hadn't died of a stroke or something similar, the lanky teen dropped his henge and slipped silently out the back window used for his earlier entrance. Leaping over the rear balcony, he darted to the nearest manhole cover, worked his way down the access ladder, then along the sewer path highlighted on his laminated forearm kneeboards as he raced to the abandoned clearing marked on the southwestern section of his map.
If he could avoid capture, he'd have at least two hours to deal with the scroll before Mizuki showed up.
~III~
Anko had no idea what the hell was going on and, for the moment, she could have cared less. When her ANBU tattoo began pulsing out the critical "OMEGA-ONE-ONE-NINE" code it meant only one thing; Get your tail end back to Hokage Tower ASAP. Do not pass go, do not pick up that late-night dango special to-go box order you were about to place. Everything else became unimportant.
When she got there, groups of shinobi were streaking both into and out of the place. From the street, she could see every light blaring in the mission hall and dashed into the building fairly confident that answers awaited her in that rather large meeting room.
Now Anko had seen a lot in her twenty almost twenty-one years of life. She'd seen the great fall. She'd seen a towering fox rampage and nearly destroy her home. She'd seen an entire village descend into madness over a baby and threaten bloody vengeance on that defenseless child. But nothing she'd seen to date could have prepared her for what was going on in the mission center once she stepped through the doorway.
'Is that Iruka coordinating…whatever this is?'
The scar-faced Chunin was organizing groups of Chunin and Jounin into search packs and appointing them to different sectors of the village. For some reason, Boar was updating the map with each assignment looking sheepish while doing it.
'Wow… this must be every higher-ranked shinobi in the village.' And indeed, it had been with new gains filling in almost as quickly as search parties fled through the doors and back into Konoha's night air.
'Why is the Hokage in a bathrobe? Also, are those bloody tissues wadded up in his nostrils? What the f-.'
She never finished that thought as Iruka noticed her at that moment and snatched her up into a team with her buddy Yugao and her boyfriend Hayate. They were being assigned the Hokage monument. Before streaking off with her team, she glanced back to the Sandaime who was glancing down at a folded piece of paper in his left hand, his right cradling his unlit pipe as his brow knotted up in concentration.
~III~
~At an Undisclosed Secret Meeting Place ~
-0-0-0-
["Memorize this location. You have until I arrive at midnight to learn any single jutsu from the scroll. If it takes you too long to obtain the mission objective, that time will of course be deducted from your available time to learn a jutsu. Failure to do so will result in failing this exam. Bonus points will be awarded if the jutsu learned addresses a perceived skill shortage in your current training. Are we clear?"]
-0-0-0-
The Kyuubi vessel landed at the end of the clearing and cleared his mind feeling more and more like the duped dobe his classmates routinely claimed him to be. While the rules Mizuki spouted in a hushed whisper seemed semi-legitimate, something seemed off-kilter.
He just couldn't shake the smarmy feel the overly friendly teacher gave him, but he'd deal with that when the time came.
For now, he needed to focus on the task at hand.
Reaching out with senses he knew to be better than the average ninja, he scanned the tree line searching for other human scents or heartbeats. It was a monumental task for the hyperactive teen and those five minutes seemed to drag on forever.
Satisfied that he was truly alone, Naruto immediately dashed across the clearing and into the abandoned shack through a partially collapsed sidewall.
Settling into the inch-thick layer of dust, Naruto laid out an ink bottle, several brushes, four blank scrolls, then popped the disposable marker light to provide enough illumination to read by.
Even though his night vision was leagues better for some strangely bizarre reason, most likely Kyuubi influenced if he thought long enough about it, there could be no mistakes tonight. The soft glow of the nightstick was a necessary risk he'd suffer through.
Taking one last deep breath, he flipped open the scroll and began perusing the first quarter section and the three dozen detailed explanations of the secret treasures therein.
Skimming past the Jiongu (ugh, that sounded both painful and disgusting), then ignoring several suicidal techniques he didn't particularly want to end his life for, Naruto groaned as he saw several bunshin-related jutsus. Gritting his teeth with annoyance and trying not to bang his forehead against the dirty wooden floor, he prepared to do battle with his greatest nemesis and copied the nine separate bunshin jutsu in the replicant family.
For good measure, he copied down a few others that seemed interesting enough to look into later before he ran out of room. There were two from his hero that named him, one section dealing with unique Uzumaki Kekke Genkai (no training methods, only basic descriptions, unfortunately), and a quick section detailing generic information on summoning contracts complete with hand seals. It was a treasure trove of information he'd probably never get the chance to see again so he'd be damned if he didn't use this opportunity to his advantage.
Hell… he even wrote on both sides of the scroll once the ink dried on the front.
Glancing nervously at his nearly destroyed watch, he panicked seeing only thirty minutes left before his meet-up. Rolling up the forbidden treasure trove, Naruto stuffed three of the now full copy scrolls into his storage seal, replacing it in his thigh holster, then cracked open his notes on the Kage Bunshin.
According to the long-winded description, the jutsu required tons of chakra and, logically speaking, had the best chance for him to master it. He could only see one hand seal, and the technique came with a ton of added benefits with clones solid enough to match his own henge.
Vowing to reread the warnings and caveats section of the high-ranking clone jutsu, he sealed this final scroll with the first three then stowed away his supplies. Moving outside the hut and away from the master scroll, he found a corner of the clearing suitable for training purposes.
With a budding sense of dread, Naruto grit his teeth and began molding chakra.
~III~
Falling on his rear near the small cabin, the now scuffed and slightly tired Naruto Uzumaki glanced once more at his barely-functional wristwatch noting he still had five minutes to spare. As a totally random idea burst into his head, he made the mental note to purchase a new one after being accepted into the ANBU.
It would be a graduation present.
It was a happy flickering of the mind brought on by the successful completion of a mission, his first. His mental wanderings trailed off as he heard the rapidly approaching, and highly agitated heartbeat of his (only) favorite instructor, Iruka Umino, as the teacher landed with a thud next to him in the clearing.
"NARUTO!"
The blond boy blinked in surprise even as he rose to address his teacher.
"Wow, didn't know the ANBU roped you in on this exam."
His smile seemed so genuine. Iruka's anger evaporated in shocked confusion but the clearly excited student… former student… pushed on without catching the shift.
"Are they gonna let you stay once the proctor verifies that I've passed and get sworn to duty?"
At this, Iruka's floored look of exasperation became painfully evident.
"What… what are you talking about, Naruto?" He hated to see the boy's satisfied smile fade, but he needed him to understand the seriousness of the situation as he continued to explain things.
"I'm here because the Hokage called out a massive search after someone stole the Forbidden Scroll of Seals and Mizuki swore before the Hokage and remaining shinobi present that he'd seen someone streaking through the streets with it…someone in dark gray clothes and shockingly bright hair."
Iruka didn't see the scroll nearby but that meant little to a trained shinobi.
Naruto's smile crumbled the remaining distance into a vicious scowl.
"Yeah… I figured his story was too good to be true…isn't that right, Mizuki-teme?"
The boy's once warm azure orbs dulled somewhat before glancing over Iruka's shoulder and into the nearby treeline. Unfortunately, the only response from that direction came in the form of several kunai.
The flying projectiles pinned the teacher to the rickety shack as the sender leaped into view.
"Aaah, the Kyuubi and its race-trading sympathizer. I look forward to killing you both and making a name for myself when I deliver the scroll to my master."
Iruka sucked air in through his teeth trying to ignore the pain from the kunai stuck in his right shoulder; he'd managed to narrowly avoid several resulting in his pinned position vice death, however, the one piercing his shoulder hurt like a-.
"You…want to forfeit… your head… Mizuki? You know the law," Iruka hissed through clenched teeth.
Deranged laughter answered back.
"I am above that stupid law, isn't that right Kyuubi?"
Naruto shook his head at the pathetic man.
"I'm not the Kyuubi, teme. He's locked behind this seal safe and sound."
Naruto gently patted his stomach as he watched comprehension dawn on Mizuki's mug. He wanted to turn and see Iruka's face, but he knew better than to take his eyes off of the homicidal lunatic in front of him. Instead, he slowly angled away from the shack and the trapped Iruka. He did catch the man's hushed, "You know…" as he gained some space to work but they'd deal with that later.
It was a good thing he moved as the traitor snarled and launched the first of two Fuma shuriken in his direction forcing the youth to jump clear and draw a pair of kunai.
Mizuki unsheathed his second Fuma before leaping down to engage.
Conversation was not high on his list of priorities if the snarling mask on his face was any indication. Kunai clashed with folded Fuma shuriken as the two collided, Naruto realizing very quickly that he lacked both the power and the speed to deal with the larger threat, a lesson Mizuki reinforced with a powerful sidekick to the boy's midsection.
Sliding to a stop, Naruto glanced up from the muddy trenches leading to his boots and into the smug face of his would-be murderer… and smiled. Not wanting to enjoy an epic beatdown hoping to stage a major comeback (that never happened in real life), he crossed his fingers in his newest jutsu seal and pushed… hard.
When the smoke cleared, several hundred copies of himself roared at the stunned academy instructor and charged.
All across the clearing could be heard the sounds of meaty fists impacting on flesh, the girlish screams of one Mizuki Hirayoshi like a soothing lullaby to the now smiling senior instructor as he slowly freed himself from the kunai piercing his clothing and flesh.
~III~
~In Naruto's Apartment Shortly After Five in the Morning ~
As the last pair of eyes opened, Chishiki felt the pull on his chakra tether back to the original. They had a few hours left at best which meant just enough time to lay out a basic plan of action. The Boss would certainly have more questions, questions they couldn't fully answer just yet, and he hoped to buy time for them to find those solutions.
For now, they needed to begin the haphazard work of repairing his sketchy self-esteem, so they could further repair the horrific damage wrought on Naruto Uzumaki by the village, in general, and the academy, in particular.
"Kemuri-kun," Chishiki began causing the grunt-like clone to snap to attention.
Several, including Chishiki himself, quickly pressed fingers to lips shushing the easily excitable soldier before he could bellow out his next, "Sir! Yes Sir!" which he had begun inhaling copious amounts of oxygen to do. In response to the immaculately coiffured militant's confused and silent question, Chishiki merely placed his palms together and alongside his now tilted head as he closed his eyes moments before pointing to the back bedroom and the sleeping progenitor of their gaggle of misfits.
Kemuri's mouth expanded into an understanding, "Oooooooooh" before snapping and thumping a salute to his chest indicating that he understood.
Similarities between Kemuri and one Lee Rock sprang immediately to Chishiki's swirling chakra brain. Startling similarities to say the least…
"Sir, understood, Sir," came the harshly-whispered acknowledgment before the Wudang disciple continued on.
"We need a training plan for the boss and it must include all aspects of the shinobi profession, even the ones he's terrible at."
Everything Kemuri did was sharp and snappy, even when he nodded in understanding. Naruko could literally hear the swooshing air as he transitioned from various states of rest to perfect attention. Often she wondered how he failed to snap his own spinal column with every terse sign of recognition bobbing out from his horse-like neck.
Must have been the muscles. Heck, even his muscles had muscles. She could only hope his brain was similarly outfitted or this training plan would be disastrous on multiple fronts.
Fuukushuu-chan spoke up for the second time that morning.
"You realize he'll be horrible at Genjutsu. My specialty will be all but useless to us unless I'm in control and that will never happen with the furball in there." Her silky curtain of dark hair waived as her chin lilted in the direction of the only bedroom.
"True," Chishiki agreed, "…but you can teach him to break the mind lock, which is a useful skill to have."
She nodded thoughtfully as Kemuri's eyes took in each meeting attendee with singular resolve.
Soon enough, orders began to flow out from the group tactician and, with the help of Fuu-chan liberating Naruto's froggy wallet from his discarded trousers, Tai-kun and Naruko (who once again groused about hating her name and their chosen moniker for the Boss) were dispatched on needed supply runs.
Kemuri vanished quickly looking for isolated training sites that might be of use.
Making use of his remaining time, Chishiki darted off to the library with a now emptied storage scroll for his task list and Kushi-chan began cleaning up the raggedy apartment with help from the remaining duplicates barring the eccentric redhead in robes; he simply vanished once a plan began to form.
As a group, they had a lot of work to do before next Friday when an answer was expected from the Hokage.
~III~
~Lunchtime at Yakiniku Q ~
"Gaaah! I can't believe our team assignments got postponed until the week after!"
Ino Yamanaka, beautiful kunoichi that she was, was having some difficulty with the delivered missive from the schoolhouse that arrived first thing in the morning for her father. Said missive stated that all normally scheduled academic events were being shoved off while the Hokage dealt with some sort of security breach that happened last night and that normal operations were expected to resume in no more than two weeks.
Academy students were expected to maintain their current level of readiness in preparation for team assignments and, as an added bonus, their graduating class would be expanded from eleven to twelve. The last part was a boon as it meant even team numbers but Ino Yamanaka hated to wait almost as much as she hated secrets. This whole affair screamed prime gossip material if you asked her and, if you did, she'd be more than happy to share her thoughts on the matter with you post-haste.
Shikamaru Nara glanced up worriedly at the young debutante and frowned as she angrily stabbed several pieces of meat sizzling over the grating and muttered a terse, "troublesome" in her direction, which earned him a glaring response in return.
"What Shika?!"
The boy gave what approximated as a smirk in his book.
"You're just mad because your favorite boy toy isn't here to celebrate. You're too troublesome to care about actual shinobi work since you'll more than likely get swept up into T&I to eventually replace your old man. The rest of us will have to deal with this long after you're gone."
If she could have thrown the tongs at him right at that moment without having to replace them, she would have. It didn't change the fact that he was right, but women everywhere had to keep annoying boys from gaining the upper hand. She was pretty sure it was like an unwritten rule or a by-law or something.
Instead, she squirted him with the spritz bottle used to keep the coals nice and smoky.
"Let it go, Ino-pig. It's not like you're going to take him from me anyway."
The snarling and forehead shoving going on between the two fangirls of the group was lost to the pineapple-haired slacker. Proving yet again his indomitable will to enshrine laziness personified, he allowed the water droplets on his face to run, drip, or air dry since it was too troublesome to be bothered with wiping them away. Instead, he turned his considerable intellect towards what he heard from his father that morning and engaged his fellow Genin to see what they thought.
"Troublesome that Naruto was involved in the security incident."
Sakura and Ino both scoffed joining Kiba's raucous laughter. Normally those three dogpiled on the troubled orphan far too much for his liking. He was a good guy in the Nara's book, often working the herds to make extra cash from his clan. He was a reliable, dependable, and strong proponent in your corner if you were ever in a tight spot. Shika felt he got way too much crap than he deserved.
"Don't tell me you believed he helped the school weed out some traitor?" Sakura's indignant snort at the end of her own question told him what he needed to hear from her.
"That loser! He probably caused the incident trying to prank the office and his adoptive grandfather is trying to pull his sorry ass out of the fire again!"
Choji's angry eating hinted at his displeasure. Being the soft-hearted guy that he was, he liked Naruto and wasn't too enamored with people sandbagging him. Shika caught the gesture of solidarity but said nothing.
A quick glance at Shino confirmed the boy's neutral stance on the matter. He'd wait to hear more information before leaning one way or the other but at least he would keep an open mind and not belittle their fallen classmate.
Shika flickered his attention back to the snickering girls as the fair mind walker started up again.
"That's one thing we all agree on. That failure is more trouble than he's worth and it's a good thing he's been left behind."
That did it. Actually, exerting the effort to raise his body up from the booth, Shikamaru rose to the shocked faces of his more boisterous teammates and jammed his hands into conveniently located pockets as he calmly exited the restaurant. In silent agreement, Choji actually left with him leaving a small wad of Ryu to cover his tab.
For some reason, much to the shocked silence of the Pinkette, the mouthy Blond, and the Flea Bag, he'd suddenly lost his appetite. Must have been the rank company.
It didn't matter much anyway. They'd all learn the truth in a few weeks.
~III~