A/N: Received a concerned "guest" review hoping that this wasn't another 'Clones go crazy and do their own thing' kind of story. Well, this was never planned to be a "Clones Gone Wild" story but I'm not going to reveal any more than that. If you want to know how the story goes, you'll need to follow along… and perhaps bring sugar cookies to share with the other kids (not those icky icing covered ones either. I've been known to withhold the apple cider for those sorts of infractions!)

To the angry person ranting about the hypocrisy of me not calling out Naruto's outing as a Jinchuriki (while all of the others were secret), what do you call the entire hidden village of Suna knowing EXACTLY who their jinchuuriki was? Or the vast majority of Iwa's shinobi knowing who their two were? Of all of Kumo knowing of their two "heroic defenders were?"

Methinks you doth protest too much, brave unknown guest. Let not your righteous rage blind you to the truth of canon. My goal is never to be better as I'm not a professional writer in any way shape or form; my goal is to be different and I think I manage that well enough.

Also, I'm not too happy with this chapter. While filler is necessary at times, it can be tedious. Besides, the material didn't seem to want to flow together no matter how often I rewrote it. Guess we'll just have to push through…

Let's see how our stalwart shinobi is doing since our last visit, shall we?

~Siva'a-tasi

~III~

A/N: Updated Feb 21, 2019, to correct grammar and spelling issues. The goal was to clean up some of the transitions and attempt to better identify when the characters are speaking/ thinking/transitioning from one scene to another.

Notice: While I neglected to mention this at the beginning of the story, I own no part of Naruto, any of its off-shoots or derivatives, nor do I own any portion of Is It Wrong to Try to Pick up Girls In a Dungeon. They remain the sole property of their creators and are used or referenced here solely for entertainment purposes without intent to acquire profit in any way, shape, or form. 'Nuff said.

Chapter 3: Best Laid Plans of Clones and Men

~ Previously on No More…

With the Clone Gang: "We need a training plan for boss and it must include all aspects of the shinobi profession, even the ones he's terrible at." Everything Kemuri did was sharp and snappy, even when he nodded in understanding. Naruko could literally hear the swooshing air as he transitioned from various states of rest to perfect attention. Often she wondered how he failed to snap his own spinal column with every terse sign of recognition bobbing out from his horse-like neck.

Must have been the muscles. Heck, even his muscles had muscles. She could only hope his brain was similarly outfitted or this training plan would be disastrous on multiple fronts.

~III~

With the Rookie 10: A quick glance at Shino confirmed the boy's neutral stance on the matter. He'd wait to hear more information before leaning one way or the other but at least he would keep an open mind and not belittle their fallen classmate. Shika flickered his attention back to the snickering girls as the fair mind walker started up again.

"That's one thing well all agree on. That failure is more trouble than he's worth and it's a good thing he's been left behind."

That did it. Actually, exerting the effort to raise his body up from the booth, Shikamaru rose to the shocked faces of his more boisterous teammates and jammed his hands into conveniently located pockets as he calmly exited the restaurant. In silent agreement, Choji actually left with him leaving a small wad of Ryu to cover his tab.

For some reason, much to the shocked silence of the Pinkette, the mouthy Blond, and the Flea Bag, he'd suddenly lost his appetite. Must have been the rank company.

It didn't matter much anyway. They'd all learn the truth in a few weeks.

~III~

~ Late Saturday Morning in the Hokage's Office ~

Hiruzen Sarutobi's jaw was ajar. To be fair, it wasn't as if someone, namely Konoha's foremost practitioner of psychology and mind-related jutsus, had just finished telling him that his surrogate grandson, and the container of the deadliest of all demon lords – the Kyuubi, would have to be shelved unless they could do something about it.

Or had he?

With more inherent calm than he felt at the moment, the Sandaime Hokage fished his well-worn pipe out of his own lap and fumbled with one of the long-stem matches in his desk drawer to light it. He didn't particularly trust himself with fire-related jutsus at the moment.

Once flame caught the tobacco, the older veteran drew in several soothing breaths as he pushed as much of the mellowing smoke into his lungs as he could in half a dozen seconds.

"Surely, it's not as bad as all that, Inoichi. Many of our shinobi have held together quite well with their… unique… quirks. Perhaps this is just how Naruto manifests his own coping mechanism?"

Tired yet hopeful eyes begged, no pleaded with the steady ice blue pair from across the desk.

"Hokage-sama, this goes far beyond Kakashi's obsession with pornography or Gai's fetish with "youth" and lime green spandex. The only reason it has not become more of an issue with someone as powerful as the vessel is because none of these clones have manifested an overly aggressive or evil presence.

"The sad reality, not possibility, is that one already exists and is simply biding its time until all emotional barriers erected by Naruto to keep his few precious people safe, and I mean very few fall into that elite group, have eroded through this village's continued neglect and abuse."

Inoichi rose and bowed awaiting the Hokage's final questions or comments adding one final comment before preparing to leave.

"It's become painfully clear that, without help, it will happen sooner rather than later and then you're going to have a second coming of the Kyuubi on your hands. Do you really think we can defeat it a second time?"

Hiruzen shook his head in dismay. Though he was once more than prepared to use the Shiki Fuuin to seal away the Kyuubi in the Yondaime's place, it would better serve Konoha to delay that official duty as long as possible.

'How heavy hangs the crown…'

There would be no ready replacement this time.

"How do you propose we delay the second coming of the apocalypse, Inoichi?" Taking up his pipe, the most powerful shinobi in Konoha prepared himself for harsh negotiations concerning his adopted grandson.

"For starters Hokage-sama, the boy needs to be freed from his isolation. He needs friends to help him deal with the past traumas of his life."

Hiruzen's face twisted up in annoyance.

"I've done all I can to keep trauma from his life. Surely, you're mistaken, Inoichi-."

The blond clan head reached into the carrier's pouch resting against the leg of his chair and dropped a large stack of printouts on the desk, a stack at least an inch thick stopping the Hokage's denial mid-rant.

Hiruzen noted that every sheet was packed with tightly formatted text.

No pictures.

"What is this?" Despite the question, Hiruzen had a feeling that he didn't need an answer nor would like the one proffered.

"That, my dear Hokage-sama, is every incident of cruel and unusual treatment I was able to dredge up when you asked me to dive his mind after the Mizuki incident. While there are the odd incidents of physical trauma, bullying, poisoning, burning, and assassination attempts – those beginning as early as his second year in the orphanage..."

The Hokage turned green with nausea.

"…they are, in fact, a very small minority. The greater margin is emotional and intellectual abuse."

The Hokage's curiosity was piqued.

"Abuse? From whom?"

This time it was Inoichi's face that twisted into a mask of hatred, his response both curt and crushing.

"It would be better to list those that haven't treated him with disdain and neglect, Hokage-sama."

You could have pushed over the Hokage with a gentle breeze at that point. It was as if all the failures of his life flooded his vision with those damnable words.

As his eyes flickered down to the incriminating pile of hatred he'd have to later read in detail, Inoichi listed off the small handful of people that had shown compassion to the one person in Konoha that deserved it more than any other.

The list was pitifully small including a ramen chef and his daughter, an armorer and his apprentice, his final academy instructor, the madame of a brothel plus her staff, and a few ANBU he knew and trusted all too well. That was it.

In a village of over two hundred thousand people, that was it.

Something else began to replace that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Rage.

"I will leave you to these reports for details, Hokage-sama, but I wish to share two things. I will dedicate a session each week to the boy. Additionally, I'd like to request you appoint Kurenai Yuhi as his instructor."

Old tired eyes snapped up from the intimidating stack of paper in confusion.

"It's simple really. Though she's not the best choice to teach the boy in the combative arts, she has the nurturing nature needed to steer him to the right path without coddling him. Assign a secondary instructor if you must, perhaps a special Jounin, but steer him away from a male sensei, at least initially."

The Sandaime's expression clearly stated, 'Explain please.'

"While the abuse and neglect he's suffered over the years hasn't been limited to males, he's had more positive responses from females and will most likely respond better."

Before the Hokage could object to that line of reasoning, Inoichi plowed on.

"Response to authority isn't the issue. We want him to respond to treatment and he won't at all if he feels threatened or that he can't trust his team. Conversations with my daughter have revealed a deep-seated hatred-slash-rivalry between the Uzumaki and the Uchiha, one further exacerbated by the fact that Naruto has won the vast majority of their spars at the academy."

Inoichi's brow tightened.

"Placing those two together is a recipe for angst, mistrust, and disfunction."

Though he felt defeated at the recommendation, Hiruzen nodded in acknowledgment as Inoichi Yamanaka bowed to take his leave.

Hiruzen thanked him for coming in early on a Saturday morning to share his initial findings on Naruto's evaluation, standard procedure really following a traumatic event like the one he experienced the night before. The boy would need those regular visits with Inoichi if half of what he'd heard was true. They needed to get a handle on this quickly, long before people like Danzo could get word of the situation.

"That reminds me…" With a practiced flick of his wrist, a kunai shot across the room and imbedded itself up to the ring inside the wall centered between portraits of a younger Sandaime and a grinning Yondaime Hokage. He grinned deep in satisfaction as a deep crimson liquid began to pour out of the gap as the blade began to slide its way down the wall assisted by the dead weight of the Root spy on the other side.

He would need to get that hidden passage sealed up before too long. Danzo was becoming far too bold in his old age. First, he'd need to get the body taken away and summon his Jounin to discuss team assignments this year…

~ Naruto's Apartment~

'It looks like he's coming 'round.'

'Nearly so. Are we prepared to begin the program?'

'Sir, Yes Sir!...Sorry, Sir.'

The sleeping Genin hopeful winced as he slowly turned over, his legs tangled up in the sheets of his dilapidated bed.

'Perhaps we should start on Monday. He doesn't look healthy at all.'

'Perhaps…'

Naruto sat up in bed, one hand sleepily wiping away the crusted-over grime from his eyelids.

'At a minimum, we need to explain the plan today. He needs to get to work as soon as possible and there is so little time.'

'Amii-tooooouuu-fooo!' – Clap!

Naruto flinched at the sound.

'Agreed, Keihatsu-kun. Agreed.'

Naruto opened his eyes and blinked sleepily as he scanned his desolate bedroom. Other than his clothes neatly piled in one corner and his battered alarm clock, he couldn't see the faces belonging to the voices banging around in his ears. Still not quite awake, he chalked it up to a fading dream and staggered into the bathroom to begin his morning ablutions.

'Eeeep!'

'Embarassed, Ruko-chan?'

Naruto paused for half a second to glance around one last time. On impulse, he slid closed the clouded glass window, small as it was, in the bathroom.

With another stiff yawn, he reached behind the toilet, disabled the flush-triggered kunai launcher before jostling the flush handle after taking care of business. With almost lethargic familiarity, he re-engaged the trap and started the showerhead after disconnecting the electric leads.

While the water warmed up, he brushed his teeth and checked the condition of his elongated canines. He was proud of his smile and enjoyed the unnerving effect it had on his enemies.

Rolling out of the shower fifteen minutes later he dressed and staggered into the kitchen disarming the remote trigger for the embedded explosive notes before opening the fridge for his pre-packed breakfast and a fresh carton of milk.

After turning away from the chill box, he froze.

Setting down his bounty for the morning, Naruto opened the fridge again and noticed that it was full of fresh food, not the rotten crap he usually got sold. Furthermore, most of it was healthy crap… unless you checked the icebox and noted the tubs of ice cream and other frozen items.

As he gently closed the door and reset the trigger switch, he smiled from ear to ear as he turned back to the milk and checked the date stamped in blue ink near the cardboard spout.

It was fresh. It was freshly-stocked as in just-placed-in-the-grocer-freezer fresh.

Crossing his fingers as he focused on a very specific group of faces. Whispering out what was becoming his favorite phrase, eight familiar puffs of smoke filled his living room revealing Chishiki and his motley crew of clones.

"Alright, tell me what the hell is going on. No bullshit."

So, Chishiki explained the whole plan.

He shared how they'd broken up his personal training plan into sections overseen by clones assigned to time blocks throughout the day. This meant that Naruto's day would be starting awfully early, but the topknot-clad blond couched this as the only way to correct the six years of sabotage inflicted by the academy if he was to have any chance of not dying painfully on his first real mission.

To that end, they would need his absolute cooperation and they, in turn, would do everything possible – barring the mentally unstable Uzu hermit chatting away with his favorite footwear – to help him exceed all expectations…even his own.

To get there, mornings would start at zero-five with Kemuri-kun. As his combat trainer, the clone had access to what sporadic material they'd been able to find in the Genin section of the library.

They would be sending Tai-kun out disguised as a certain Chounin that Naruto was familiar with to acquire more and (hopefully) they could pull it off without incident. The somewhat docile clone took a list of subject titles handed to him by the "ringleader" and slipped out of the tiny apartment with a smirk and a wave.

Once Kemuri finished catching up on the physical training material already collected (he had until Monday morning to do so), they would spend the first two hours of every day at training area twenty-seven, an abandoned section jutting up next to the southeastern wall here in the slums, or Red-Light District as the rest of Konoha knew it as.

If he survived (a comment that made the original gulp), he would return here to shower and eat.

Ku-chan, the red-headed beauty apparently, would provide for the majority of his household needs since he lacked the perfect chakra control needed for her specialty. They had acquired basic medical journals, scrolls, and lessons for her to study in the interim and planned to leverage her talents once the entire group reached the appropriate level of control.

Until then, the first hour after breakfast belonged to Chishiki while his mind was fresh and charged. Not wanting to overdo it these first few days before team assignments, Chishiki would spend one hour a day reviewing core shinobi academia, each day devoted to a different subject. Perhaps by trickling the material into his brain there might arise something akin to healthy study habits.

Hell, he might actually learn something.

Late mornings were reserved for infiltration and stealth training every other day with Naruko-chan (who still grumbled about her name). Odd days would be dedicated to general maintenance meaning not just his gear but his dwelling, and Fuu-chan would supervise for no other reason than she had the temperament to enforce high standards.

Again, Naruto gulped at the predatory grin on the undeniably beautiful clone's face.

"What about tracking or sensor training?"

It was a logical question from the original. Unfortunately, Chishiki shook his head with regret.

"We can't train you in something we don't already know or have a firm grasp on through reference materials."

He motioned to the large pile of books and scrolls on the battered coffee table, including the book rescued from under the corner of his couch.

"You'd need to find a tracker familiar with the skills you want training in, like the Inuzuka bunch."

Naruto grimaced. The only real experience he had with that clan came from the young male, none of it pleasant. The boy was arrogant bordering on overbearing zealotry meaning their personalities clashed and it annoyed Naruto to the point that he refused to socialize with the mutt.

He would make do with his current training regiment until another option could be found.

To that end, his remaining hours of the day were split evenly with Keihatsu-kun in chakra control and theory and in calligraphy training. Once his abilities were up to par, they would see about training in his family's lost art of fūinjutsu.

That last bit brought a smile to the orphan's face, one that made the crazy clone grin ferally, and every other clone shiver briefly. Chishiki deflated his enthusiasm by reminding him that they didn't want to be blown to smithereens with poor sealing techniques, so he wouldn't even smell a fresh jar of ink until his calligraphy was damn near perfect.

Naruto grinned even more.

'If it's perfect you want, then it's perfect you'll get.'

~ Back at Hokage Mansion in the Chamber of Counsels ~

Both counsels on the civilian side of the table whispered nervously as they awaited the meeting's start. Already a vast majority of the merchant, labor, and governmental factions had begun to trickle in populating the much deeper body of constituents.

It was a mixed blessing, the added security of the shinobi portion of the Council body, a blessing and curse in the fact that their dwindling population tended to die out through the natural hazards of their work. That declining population did nothing to reduce their stubbornness and it was through that stubbornness that the smaller body encouraged the Hokage, the village's supreme leader, to defy their will.

That defiance no longer mattered. Time was of the essence and the will of the people needed to act. Every member of the body politic knew that today would eventually arrive; graduation of the demon brat from the academy and emergence of his threat to the general populace. If the Hokage was unwilling to act accordingly, then the Council would, and it would use his own tools of violence against him.

"It is all arranged."

The nervous figure to his left jumped at the sudden sound of Noburo's voice despite the fact that it leaked out in the form of a sibilant hiss. He'd have to beat such nervous habits out of the fool if they ever hoped to survive this.

"H-H-How many?"

"We have twenty or so, mostly Genin." The smaller man's beady eyes exploded into small saucers.

"S-S-So many…and they support the B-B-Brigade?"

Noburo's smile held zero warmth and the smaller man again shivered in fear. The Bijuu Brigade had begun as a taunting jab among drinking friends before growing into a group fashioning themselves as the last line of defense against the demon container and his corruption. Of late, Noburo found himself wanting to flaunt his allegiance publicly in a fierce sense of pride.

It was a fatalistic flaw truth be told but the feelings were there all the same.

They both wandered near their seats at the chamber table next to each other before the older man spoke again.

"They see it as a small price to pay for our eventual freedom."

Neither one noticed a very concerned Mebuki Haruno as she took note of their malignant attitudes.

Given the nature of this meeting, her thoughts drifted to the welfare of her own daughter and whether or not the hateful feelings these two were emitting were any threat to Sakura's life or career. She'd have to play it by ear and decide whether or not to get involved in order to protect her child.

Such thoughts temporarily fled her mind as the meeting was called to order and the now assembled group delved into the briefing sheets before their seats.

~ Konoha Market District ~

Hands buried into the deep pockets of his beige cargo shorts, Naruto strolled indolently through busy Konoha street after street ignoring the hateful glares and hurtful curses. Wrapped in a black and burnt orange jacket over his roomy white tee-shirt, his dark blue sandals made barely a sound as he prowled casually towards a specific destination, Higurashi's.

The Old Man had asked him to keep his hitai-ate hidden until team assignments, so the boy tucked it away into an inside pocket of his jacket. He didn't care as the truth would come out sooner or later and the orange swirl on his shirt blared his affiliation proudly.

Ever since discovering what the swirl meant in his academy classes, he took pride in his family name and reflected it in his attire. To hell with what these ignorant fools thought.

Shrugging off any negative thoughts, Naruto puffed up his cheeks and blew out his frustrations into the bright, sunny day as one hand snaked its way up to brush his annoying bangs away from his eyes. Maybe he could ask Anko-nee for a quick trim since she was the only person he trusted with a blade anywhere near his body.

His last attempt to get a haircut…had not gone well.

Pushing onward, he located the dark background of the shop placard with the green anvil and hammer of his destination. With only one last sneer to being nearly run over by a larger mass of flesh, he heaved open the heavy door of reinforced wood and stepped into the familiar smell of freshly seasoned leather and oil.

Inhaling the scent as his chest expanded two sizes, the Kyuubi vessel's grin exploded. He loved the smell.

There were several people in the shop already. A couple of shinobi gave curt nods, something he always found odd but returned respectfully. You never knew if you'd be working with them in the future and it never hurt not to burn bridges.

A few others shot angry glares his way and stormed out muttering something about "filthy animals," which he returned with an equally respectful one-finger salute.

It hurt him to think he'd cost the proprietor business but Higurashi's was the best shinobi supplier in the elemental kingdoms (as far as Naruto knew) and, if they wanted the best, they'd be back. He instead perked up as a friendly female voice called out to him drawing his attention to the main counter and the bun-headed girl standing behind it.

"What are you doing here Naruto? I thought it was 'three strikes, you're out' time for you?"

She didn't miss the annoyed snarl from the slightly taller blond nor did she miss the muffled plink coming from where he tapped the breast of his jacket. Her eyes grew big as the meaning sunk in and her face grew deadly serious.

"I sincerely hope you didn't steal that," she hissed through clenched teeth. "You know the penalty for such a crime." Naruto tsked in displeasure.

"C'mon, Tenten. You know me better than that! I'm not a common thief. I earned this!"

His anger was growing, a flushing sensation of warmth filling his cheeks and, for just a split second, Tenten saw his beautiful eyes flash a deep purple color, which she found odd.

Perhaps she imagined it?

Then it dawned on her. The recent events at the school, talking instructors whispering about a traitor being caught… Her scrutinizing gaze took in the stern face of her recent customer before something clicked in her mind with a brisk businesslike nod.

"So…what can I do for you today, Naru-chan?"

She smirked as the boy's scowl intensified. She knew exactly how much he hated that nickname being one of his few friends from the academy.

Brushing it aside, Naruto slapped a well-worn and nicked kunai on the counter.

"I need a new batch of both kunai and shuriken, enough supplies for an A-rank and basic storage scrolls to hold them."

After a short pause, he added, "I should also scrap my basic academy gear for some new tents and camping kit. I've outgrown or lost enough of it over the years."

Tenten whistled appreciatively before pulling out two rolled parchments and mentally assembling the pricing of what this would cost him.

"You have enough for all this? It's not going to be cheap you know."

Calmly the admittedly handsome fellow reached into a bulging thigh cargo pocket and pulled out a padded yellow envelope to flash a thick wad of Ryu notes and, without another comment, the two went about lining up his purchases.

Expensive for him at Higurashi's meant "affordably normal prices" and not "your entire monthly stipend" anywhere else in Konoha.

It was one of the few places he could buy from without trouble, so Naruto made plenty sure to keep on the owner's good side. Soo engrossed in being a good customer was he, Naruto nearly missed the familiar scents of what folks had been calling the latest Ino-Shika-Cho incarnation, two and half of his closest friends/frenemies.

"Now this is troublesome."

Without turning around, Naruto waved to his friends not bothering to differentiate between them and Ino. He held no illusions of closeness with the rabid Uchiha fanatic and simply took the good with the bad when it came to her.

"Are you lost, drop-out?"

He didn't need to turn around to see her sneering grin, so he did the next best thing and ignored her while handing over a thick bunch of Ryu to Tenten. He did notice the cute brunette's angry glare over his shoulder and his warm smile shocked her when their eyes met again making her blush.

"Thanks, Ten-chan. I'll see you next time I need to resupply."

Stuffing the scrolls into his free cargo pocket, Naruto turned to walk away and out the door only to stop once the platinum blonde nuisance grabbed onto his shoulder.

"Hey! I asked you a question. Don't you know it's rude to ignore a lady?!"

He merely snickered back.

"Well, when I find one with a question, I'll answer her."

Brushing off her hand with a slap from the back of his own, he nodded to Shika and Choji before sauntering out the door and into the bright streets of Konoha leaving behind a fuming Yamanaka heiress.

Shika would have chuckled along with Choji had he not caught the angry glare from the girl behind the counter. From the look on her face, he could tell their own resupply needs were going to be hard-won. With a muttered, "troublesome" under his breath, he prepared to do battle with his third angry woman in one day.

It was troubling how much Ino resembled his mother in her bossy personality.

~III~

It wasn't long before the cranky nin found his way to his favorite barstool attached to his favorite purveyor of ramen. He could smell the bountiful goodness from several blocks away…along with the three lowlifes following in the alleyways off to his left. Oh well, take the good with the bad.

"Oi, how ya been, old man?"

Teuchi's back stiffened as he whirled around.

"Na-ru-toooooooo!" I haven't seen you for Kami knows how long!"

As if suddenly fearful for his life, the old man slapped a hand over his mouth and flinched, his whole body jerking about as if awaiting the Shinigami himself. Leaping around the countertop, he clamped an enormously strong pair of hands used to years of kneading noodles onto the boy's shoulders hard enough that it hurt, his frantic eyes flickering about in terror.

"Ano… itai…old man, you okay?" Naruto tried to gently pry his fingers from the flesh of his shoulders without hurting him.

"You have to leave!" Teuchi hissed. "Go! Now! Before-."

His warning was cut short as the back door opened to the hailing voice of Ayame Ichiraku and their apprentice, Akimi.

"Daaaaad! I'm back with our…" Her phrase never finished as her eyes lit upon Teuchi's hunched back in confusion, a confusion that slowly burned to a smothering fire as she recognized the blond mop of hair just past the older man's right shoulder.

"NARUTO!"

Naruto did the only thing he could at the moment. He substituted with some random passerby, the extremely confused young man blinking up into Teuchi's equally confused face, before taking to the rooftops and leaping away.

This was not a conversation he wanted to have at the moment. Something about discretion, valor, and all that other stuff.

~III~

In the alley across the street, the familiar sandy brown hair of a certain apprenticed carpenter watched the jealous blond leap away and smiled. Things were going splendidly in that department even if he couldn't have cared less about the girl. Sure, she was cute, but she was solely the means to an end.

If things went according to plan, he could finally be done with her, take her virtue… maybe even pass her around to his new friends snickering evilly behind him, then humbly accept his reward from the Council before retiring to the wealthy life he deserved.

He was never all that close with either of them at the orphanage anyway.

Besides, she had been tainted by her relationship with the beast. He couldn't be seen with her too much longer if he was to survive his ascension to the ranks of the wealthy and powerful in Konoha's upper crust.

Casually he accepted the small wad of Ryu from the Genin squad leader and tipped his hat lightly signifying that he needed to go. He was an up-and-coming person of importance y'know.

Places to go and all that…

~ Naruto's Apartment ~

When the knock sounded at his door later that evening, Naruto almost expected for it to be an angry auburn-haired girl threatening to rip out his throat. He wasn't sure how much longer he could avoid her or even if he should anymore.

Didn't she have that Aono guy now? What more did she need from him… if anything?

After his mini-army snuck off to the bedroom, he answered the door accepting the official scroll from the cat-faced ANBU standing on the other side of it. Thanking her, and taking note of her pleasant floral scent, he broke the seal and grinned until his eyes vanished.

Without thinking he surged forward and embraced the startled kunoichi in a remarkably strong hug not particularly paying attention to the fact that his head was buried in her armor-plated chest or that she was feeling awkward enough to blush four shades darker under her mask (not that he could have seen it anyway).

It had been because of her finely-honed skills and reflexes that he received only one bash on the skull instead of being split in two with the sword strapped to her back.

Moments later a teary-eyed Genin was rubbing his bruised skull and griping about edgy ANBU not knowing how to accept gratitude. It no longer mattered anyway as he closed and locked the door before returning to the scroll announcing that he'd be receiving his team assignment one week from this upcoming Monday.

Noting the time and place he needed to be at the academy, Naruto grinned as his clones slowly came out of hiding.

They had a lot of work to do in the next nine days.

~III~

Opening one lazy eye, Kurama glanced through the bars to the ring of creatures fumbling around in his home. He had a good idea as to what they were being as he'd seen something similar, albeit to a considerably smaller degree, in his previous hosts of Mito and Kushina. If what he was observing was an indication of what was to come, perhaps the little roach would implode sooner rather than later, and he'd finally be free.

Freedom.

That word rolled around in his mouth as he let a massive yawn shake the mindscape cavern making up his home these days and chuckled as they paid him no mind. Everyone underestimated him so long as he was "safe" behind this retched seal. His open eye flicked up to the metal abomination shaped from the very bars that imprisoned him, so unlike the previous two paper seals damning him to a life of servitude and misery.

Yes, freedom had a nice ring to it.

He'd have to be careful once he was out. Perhaps he'd lay low or even take a human form while his body regenerated over a century or two. Perhaps he'd take what's been learned over the last hundred years of imprisonment to make a truly magnificent body. Glancing once more over the figures huddled around a floating and semi-transparent image of their common host, his keen eye slid past the aggressive males to the three females.

He'd been male before as he drifted from one human settlement to another. Being male, especially a powerful alpha, had its advantages…and its disadvantages.

Being powerful and handsome came with plenty of vixens to pass the time. It also generated its share of headaches with endless and equally tedious challengers attempting to defeat the apex predator. The female gender had its own share of woes, mostly generated by the worthless males of the species, but it wasn't anything a copious amount of power crafted into the form couldn't remedy.

His eyes took in the three females as he considered the very different models. The one with hair like his fur initially caught his eye but, despite being a lovely specimen, she was overall average physically…perhaps a bit too tall and distinctive. The blond, while shorter, was too alluring and likely to draw the male eye for activities he would never condone with another hairless ape.

Perhaps he could find a creature like her to tend to his needs like all good slaves should before a proper demon lord? No, his eyes flickered to the dark-haired one, sleek of build and dangerous enough to warn off lesser males by her aura alone.

She was curvy enough to be desirable yet strong of limb, particularly her legs. He always did have an attraction to strong hindquarters.

"She's a bit young even for you, don't you think?"

He started out of his contemplation and grunted in annoyance to the male redhead leaning casually against his cage.

"What she is to me is not your concern, Namikaze."

The figure's eyes popped open in surprise but he didn't overreact or frown overly much.

The massive ball of chakra and rage smirked.

"I figured if anyone guessed it, it would have been you. Still, I came to share a bit of information with you while I have a spare moment."

This time the large fox chuckled, a rumbling sound that rippled the 'water' on the cavern floor and caused a couple of the clones to glance their way. A few shook their heads in disbelief before turning back to Chishiki as he pointed to numbers hovering near and floating around the anatomical figure of light.

"There is nothing you could teach me." The fox was sneering now in distaste at the figure that had defeated him in his blind rage.

"I didn't say I was going to teach you but to share something with you. I want you to be able to make an informed decision, unlike the last time we met."

His eyes cut over from the gaggle of troublemakers to the annoyed fox.

"I've seen you staring at my handiwork and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you want."

"Oh really? Do enlighten me oh all-seeing one." Sarcasm literally dripped from his fangs. Or was that hunger? He really could go for a juicy rabbit right about now…

"You want out and you think breaking out or letting the boy die will grant your freedom."

Kurama rolled his eyes and went back to staring at the dark-haired mind fragment. Every Bijuu knew that the death of the vessel equaled freedom while their immortal bodies reformed.

"Figured that out all by your lonesome, did you? Brilliant. I am stunned by your magnificent intellect."

This time the smaller redhead chuckled back, and he found it… unnerving.

"Sorry. I'm not laughing at you. Well… maybe just a little. No, it's the fact that I saw this over fourteen years ago and planned for it." This comment drew the fox's attention away from the now nervous brunette that had caught on to his unwanted attentions and was staring back.

"Make sense, monkey boy." That did not sound good, not good at all.

"This isn't your standard five or seven elements seal."

Kurama snorted back in annoyance. He knew a bit about seals after all.

"Of course not. I know a tetragram seal when I see one. Although, I will admit this is the most complex one I've seen in over a thousand years."

The blue-robed figure gave a mock bow in return.

"There must be over eighty elements in that monstrosity."

"Try over a hundred."

This time Kurama's eyes grew…slightly.

What? He could appreciate skill when he saw it.

"But that's not what makes this one special. No, take a look at the northern quadrant. Specifically, the second chakra conduit powering the seal matrix."

The mighty bijuu frowned briefly before turning his gaze to the metal ring of runes and symbols surrounding the spiraling centerpiece, the very center of which held the traditional yin-yang symbol surrounded by the ten individual and combined element arrays. He briefly had to admit that the coiled serpent body forming the outer ring of that centerpiece was elegant before shrugging it off and reaching out with his chakra to lightly brush the seal construct.

Given his position inside the cursed thing, it was all he could do but it shared with him some information. Staying away from that vertigo-inducing pit of seal arrays this time, he gently tickled the outer frame of the seal, his chakra skipping lightly around the southern conduit funneling his own chakra to both feed the array and his host imbuing the boy not only with enhancements to his Uzumaki bloodline… correction bloodline traits, but enhancing him physically due to years of being exposed to his chakra.

He never feared that the boy would sprout ears and a tail like some fools in the village feared but there had been a few changes at the genetic level due to his exposure to Kurama's Youki. They were minor mutations at best but helpful all the same.

His chakra split into two directions along the seal's crest. Brushing past two unused conduits (spares perhaps?), he pushed onto the northern edge of the seal and shivered as it neared the pulsing artery.

An unholy sense of dread seized him as he'd never bothered inspecting the outer ring of the seal, but he pushed on all the same.

The northern conduit was huge matching the same leech trickling his chakra reserves on a steady basis. Unlike his tie to the seal, which was burning warmly with the fire element that provided his chakra affinity, this one was cold. It was bitterly cold and the closer his chakra approached, the colder the conduit became.

Tentatively he reached out to just barely graze the edge thinking this felt familiar…

Something, a dark tendril lunged from the conduit's body and latched onto one of his chakra tendrils, and held fast. Almost immediately he could feel it sucking the warmth from him, like a leech it was draining his energy, his demonic youki, faster than he could replenish it and changing the color of his chakra from its brilliant red to a murky blue-black... almost like it was...dying.

When a second tendril shot out from the conduit wall and snagged his second feeler, he panicked.

The Kyuubi no Youko, the Demon Lord of Demon Lords, panicked.

It was familiar, this cold and unfeeling embrace. He and all his siblings knew exactly what it was as they fled its hunger, its never-ending thirst, every time one of them was sealed inside a human, and that human died. It was the one thing they all feared despite the loopholes that allowed their existence. Every one of them knew that to allow the Death God to grab hold of you was to void the agreement and surrender your soul to the harbinger of final death.

That bastard! That hateful, spiteful monkey of man!

He'd invited the Shinigami into his cage with a knife and fork set at his spot for the feast.

And Kurama was the main dish.

As something cold and terrible clamped down on what would be his heart if he had a body, Kurama heaved and tugged on his chakra wrenching back with everything he had.

That chilling feeling was infecting his energy, feeding its way back to him. Unable to simply break free, he extinguished his tendrils closing off for the first time all of his energy output and sealing himself away from everything except the main conduit feeding the array.

The effort of which left him panting heavily on the floor of his cage as his wide eyes stayed glued to the abomination that was his seal.

He was chained to the death god. It was every bijuu's worst nightmare.

"So, now you know."

It was spoken calmly and without malice, but it stoked his anger all the same. Kurama lunged at the bars, smashing claw and limb and tail against them trying to reach the insufferable maggot just beyond the barrier he could not break.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Spittle flew, teeth flashed, and snarling rage shook the entire cavern. "WHAT! HAVE! YOU! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"

A/N: Oh snap! Baby Cliff-Hanger No Jutsu!

Seven Easy Steps to Ninja Stardom

by Minato Namikaze

Chapter 1: Know Thyself (and Your Limits)

Congratulations on your decision to pursue to martial life as a shinobi in service to your village. Whether small or large, not a greater path of noble sacrifice can be found among our elemental nations. To that end, your dedication on what will be the hardest journey of your life cannot come without some measure of trepidation for, though the rewards may be great for the fortunate few, you must know without doubt the great many of your comrades will fall by the wayside.

Glance to your left. Glance to your right. Chances are one if not both of your cherished comrades next to you now will meet some grisly fate few civilians could comprehend, be it by the blade or some other nefarious means. Know that the life of a shinobi, if you are lucky, can be extremely short lived.

Still not dissuaded? Good! Let us begin with what a shinobi is and what sets us apart from those we serve. "What is this servitude" you ask?

It is what we, as a unique subset of the population, are meant to do. Certainly, we protect, we infiltrate, we steal and murder (when necessary), however, at the very core of our essence, we are a band of servants. We are very powerful servants of that you can be sure, but servants nonetheless.

We serve our Kage.

We serve our comrades.

First and foremost, we serve our villages. We are a band of servants and, through commissioned tasks (missions) and through directives and orders (from our Kages) we serve through a wide-reaching skillset ranging from taijutsu, kenjutsu, bukijutsu, ninjutsu, iryojutsu, and even fuuinjutsu to only name a few. These are the jewels of our disparate crowns earned through years of blood, sweat and toil. There is no shortcut, no quick path to power.

You want to be powerful? Train.

You want to earn respect? Train then prove yourself to your comrades.

You want to lead your peers? Train, prove yourself, then demonstrate your resolve to serve others before you can lead them yourself.

Upon your shoulders and yours alone lies the responsibility to advance yourself. Rely on no one to push you lest you stagnate and wither away.

Now, do not confuse seeking help from a more experienced shinobi to show you the correct path or help solve a particularly difficult puzzle with dependence. It is well and good to ask for help. It is another entirely to expect another to take you under their wing or coddle you as you are owed nothing. You are not entitled to the hard-won skills of another, despite what certain red-eyed clans believe.

The world owes you nothing.

Therefore… earn it for yourself! To that end, I offer this treatise in self-reflection and training. It is meant as a guide and only a guide and, as such, I will sparsely touch on material readily available through existing literature and attentive shinobi senseis. You are highly encouraged to seek out an instructor of your own and draw from them whatever knowledge they are will to part with.

Remember, they owe you nothing so take what is offered and be contented. Then, seek to improve upon what you know so that you can push further through the strength of your own limbs and indomitable will.

Only you can hold yourself back.

With that said, no shinobi can begin their career without some preparation so let us start at the beginning with physical and mental preparation, shall we?

First off, a shinobi must take care of themselves and their equipment. To start with, let's focus on healthy nutrition…

~III~