Chapter 20.

Just for a moment, everything was perfect. Dean lay peacefully in the arms of his lover and remembered a night of passion and pleasure. It had felt so good, so right, but it could not have been more wrong.

He opened his eyes and found her looking at him. She smiled when she saw he was awake and he knew that she didn't understand what had happened. She thought it was a good thing. Whatever he said would hurt her, so he tried to make t quick. "Well, that shouldn't have happened." he said, "And of course, it must never happen again."

"You didn't like it?" she said, "Because last night, you seemed enthusiastic."

"I was," he admitted, "But this is all wrong. You must see that."

"Why is it wrong? We weren't hurting anyone. Aren't we allowed to be happy?"

"You're an angel." he said.

"I was last night, too. Didn't seem to bother you."

"I mean, you don't understand this stuff. This is my fault. I took advantage of you."

"I missed that part, but even if you did, I'm fine with it. When you kissed me ... "

"I shouldn't have done that."

"You wanted to do it and I wanted you to do it. I don't see the problem here."

"Angels get overwhelmed by physical sensations and by emotions they don't know anything about. Humans can have sex and it means nothing."

"It meant nothing?" she said.

It was as good a way as any to end it. "I'm sorry." he said.

He'd hurt her and he hated himself, but it could never work out between them and she deserved someone better than him. He never should have let her into the shower. In fact, why had he not sent her on home when he stopped at the motel? He'd left the bathroom door open, practically an invitation and he wasn't sure he hadn't intended it as one.

"Nothing?" she repeated.

She sounded so unhappy. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, tell her anything to make her feel better, but having messed up so completely, he had to limit the harm now.

"What I did was selfish." he said.

"Why would you want sex with me, if it meant nothing?" she asked.

What should he say? That when she was near to him and naked, he'd been as overwhelmed as any angel could be, that suddenly, for him, she wasn't an angel, but someone very human, someone he just needed to be close to?

"You remember what I said about unmet needs?" he said.

"I remember eerything you ever said to me." she said.

"Yeah, well, last night, I needed to be close to someone."

"It could have been anyone?" she said.

"It shouldn't have been you. It was unfair. You had no way to understand."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she said.

Because lies were for the morning after. He had been all too honest the night before. "I should have." he said.

"Was it good?" she said.

"It was wrong." he said.

"Understood, but was it good?"

Better than good. It had never been that good before. "We shouldn't talk about it." he said, "We need to make sure no-one ever knows this happened."

"It was that bad?" She looked heartbroken.

"It was awesome." he said, "You are awesome. It was the best mistake I ever made, but it was still a mistake." He forced himself to focus on the important facts. She was an angel, an already very confused angel. The body he had spent the night with was not hers and he doubted the owner had ever thought the angel she had hosted would be using it for a hook-up in a cheap motel. He had been so stupid. He had been so weak.

"I disgust you, don't I?" she said.

"I'm disgusted with myself, not you." he said.

"Because you had sex with an angel."

"Yes." he said.

"I'm sorry. I know this was my fault. I never should have gone into the shower."

"You didn't know what you were doing." he said, "I knew what I was doing. This is all on me."

"I knew enough, Dean. I knew I needed to see you naked. I knew I wanted to be close to you naked."

"Okay, but I should have sent you straight back out." he said.

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I didn't want to." he admitted, "Because having you around felt good. I screwed up. I let it happen and in doing so, I hurt you. I'm sorry."

"You didn't hurt me. I remember every second of it and it all felt good."

"I didn't mean physically. I've hurt you now."

"You didn't mean to. And I tried to kill you, so I'm still worse than you."

She was trying to excuse him, trying to think the best of him and he had known she was an angel and knew nothing about emotions and he had still let things progress as they had.

"All in the past, now." he said.

"Then so is last night. If you want it forgotten, it's forgotten. Just don't send me away. Every friend I have is in the bunker."

"Send you away?" he said. In truth, he hadn't considered it, although if this could not be entirely forgotten, he may have to leave. "We're grown-ups." he said, "We can accept that it was a mistake and move on from it and stay friends."

"We are still friends, then?" she said.

"We are absolutely still friends." he said, "Good friends." Just friends who happened to know each other's erogenous zones more intimately than most. "We just have to make sure nobody else ever knows about this. When we leave this motel, the whole thing never happened, okay?"

"Okay." she said.

He sat up in the bed, feeling an irrational urge to wrap the sheet around him, even though she had seen and handled everything he had under it. Taking the sheet would expose her, though and it was best not to do that, for her dignity and his self-control.

He got out of bed and said, "Now, I'm gonna need another shower, alone this time.

She nodded. He tried to read her expression, but angels were good at hiding their emotions. Of course, she wouldn't have needed to hide them if they were good. He felt like a complete rat.

In the shower he considered the strategy for when they got home. He'd keep the vampire corpse and head until he got back, in case they needed evidence that there had been a hunt.

He'd give her something to do in the bunker, so he got to do the talking about why they had stayed away overnight. Angels were terrible liars and they would see through anything she said immediately.

In their favour was the fact that he and Anael constantly sniped at each other and seemed hostile even when perfectly friendly. He was fairly confident that nobody would ever assume anything between them unless one of them said something dumb. Certainly, nobody was going to imagine that cool, aloof Anael would have gone into his shower like that. He was having a hard time believing it himself.

He gave himself a moment to remember the events of the night. It had been stupid. It had been wrong. It had still been a beautiful fantasy and though they had agreed to forget it, he knew he never would.

After his shower, it was easy to become professional again, He gathered up the gore-soaked clothes from the corner of the bathroom and went back into the bedroom, where he quickly dressed in the clean clothes they had brought in from the car.

Anael, now fully clothed, took the cassette tape from the player and put it into her pocket.

"It might be best to leave that." he said, "Bad memories."

"My memories aren't bad." she said, "Once we leave here, it never happened, right?"

"Right." he said.

She walked up to him and kissed him on the lips. "Then I need to tell you now, I'm glad it happened. I ... "

"No." he said, afraid of what she might be about to say, "Don't say anything you might later regret."

"I will say one thing." she said.

"What?"

"You told me always to be the driver, so I drove and I'm sorry if you hate that last night happened, but I don't. I only regret that you hate it."

"I don't hate it." he said, "I just know these things never end well."

"I know. Look at Cas and Jules. All that happiness must be exhausting."