Chapter 22.

Cas had been wandering among the beehives for a while when the kitchen door opened and Sarah came out. "You look troubled, Castiel." she said, "Is it the bees you need or a little talk with an old friend?"

"I think maybe you won't be on my side with this one." he said, "I'm not even sure I'm on my side on this one."

Her smile had always been a sweet absolution to him, forgiveness and acceptance. "I will never judge you, my dear. I know the goodness of your heart. You come into the kitchen. I made us a pot of tea."

He went in. He sat at the table as he had so many times before, facing the window so that he could still see his beloved hives. "I yelled at Dean." he said. He bowed his head in shame, only raising it when she pushed a cup of tea in front of him.

"He's often yelled at you." she said.

"He and Anael ... " He couldn't finish the sentence.

"Oh my!" she said, "I suspected he didn't dislike her as much as he pretended, but I didn't expect that. Not while she's still an angel."

"Neither did I. He never even told me he had feelings for her."

"Is that what hurt you?" she said.

He looked at her, confused. He hadn't known that he was hurt. Thinking about it, he was. He felt cut off from Dean's life. Dean telling him that he had no reason to discuss it with Cas had been a complete dismissal and he had thought they were past that.

Sarah waited for him to speak and when he didn't she said, "You don't know what you're feeling, do you?"

"Not really." he said, "I know that the thought of them together ... the thought of him using her for sex ... "

"Now, is that what happened? Because I don't think Dean would do that."

"He said it meant nothing."

"If we're going to judge Dean by what he says, our prisoner in the dock is not even Dean, is he?"

"He can't love her."

"Why not?"

"Because she's unreliable and he hates angels and there is no way such a relationship could be anything but doomed and if they have real feelings for each other and it fails ... " he fell silent again.

"Yes, Castiel?" she said.

"We almost lost him, Sarah. Then there was Sam's dream, where he chose to die. Sam says he's okay now and I try to believe it, but he says things that make me wonder and I know I can't let him be hurt again. I can't."

"I know how you feel. I want to protect all of you from all possible pain, because you've all suffered enough, but however much we want to protect Dean, we have to let him take the risk of pain."

"No. The risk is too great."

"Dean is stronger than you think."

"When I was dead, he wouldn't even eat."

"We've talked before about Dean finding someone to love, someone who will be to him what Jules is to you."

"I want that."

"Yes, I know, but as soon as an actual person is in his life, it scares you."

"Him and an angel. It can't work. He's still all twisted up about what happened with Lisa and she was human. They think I'm jealous. I ... " he hesitated, "Maybe I am jealous. Maybe that's part of it. Or maybe I know that when he talks about frickin' angels again and how faithless they are, he'll look right at me. But mostly, I just want him not to suffer anymore."

"What if Anael is his Jules?" said Sarah.

"You think she could be?"

"She knows what he is. She understands hunting. She's sharp and funny and beautiful and they seem to enjoy each other's company. You wanted him to find peace and now maybe he will."

"Or maybe he'll love unwisely and crash and burn and suffer for nothing. Or he'll hurt her. She doesn't know what human emotions can do to an angel."

"Which puts you and Jules in the perfect position to help her to understand."

"Jules, perhaps, but not me. I can't talk to her about any of it without trying to put the case for staying an angel and avoiding it all."

"And is that what you wish you had done?"

"I did stay an angel."

"I mean the avoidance. I know there has been pain, for you and for Jules, but wasn't it worth it?"

There was no doubt that it had been for him and if the pain had been a thousand times worse, what he had with Jules would have been worth everything. "Yes." he said.

"And you love Anael, your sister."

"Yes. Even though she tried to kill us, I still love her. I still love Dean too. If two people you loved were about to jump off the same cliff, would you not try to stop them?"

"If they were hand in hand and one of them could fly, probably not." she said, "I have to say, Anael seems a very strong-willed woman."

"She's not a woman." said Cas.

"Angel, then. She has her vulnerabilities, as all angels do and all humans, but she doesn't seem helpless or fragile. I think maybe Dean needs someone with that kind of spirit. It's so hard for him to believe anyone could ever love him. Anyone who takes him on will have to be pretty determined."

"I don't know what to do." said Cas.

"What do you want to do?"

"Protect everyone I love, without losing their love." he said.

That beautiful smile again. "My sweet angel, if you think anyone who knows you can ever stop loving you, you're dreaming."

"How can I protect them?" he said.

"Protect them first from interference by well-meaning friends. Offer support or just stand back and let them figure things out. Neither of them will ever stop loving you."

Her cellphone rang and she answered it. "Good morning, Sam. Yes, he's here." She gave him the phone. "Sam sounds worried about you." she said.

"Hello, Sam." he said, feeling guilty about the way he had left.

"Are you okay?" said Sam.

"I didn't mean to be like that." he said.

"It's okay. We get it. You should come home."

"No." he said, "I'll stay here for now." He looked at Sarah. She nodded.

"Cas, this isn't as bad as you think."

"Not because of that." he said, "I just don't know what to say to Dean or Anael. What I said before was wrong. It made Dean angry."

"Dean's not angry. He just got scared."

"No, he was angry. He told me to go away."

"He didn't tell you that. I was there." said Sam.

"I heard him."

"Yeah, well, you two hear all kinds of dumb things that neither of you ever said." said Sam.

"I'm not jealous." said Cas. It felt important to get that clear.

"Good. You shouldn't be, because you know what? If you really hate the idea of them being together, there's a good chance Dean will use that as an excuse to give up on this relationship and any future ones. You're scared that you don't matter to him. You should be scared that you matter too much. I think it would be damaging to both of you if you were the reason he decided to give up what could be his best chance of happiness."

"I don't want that." said Cas.

"I know you don't. Take the time you need, but just remember, this is your home, we are your family and Dean could use some support and encouragement right now."

"He said it meant nothing." said Cas.

"Yeah, he said that." said Sam, "Look, call me, if you need to talk."

"Shouldn't you say that to Dean?"

"Dean's gone to his room. He's not talking."

"When you see him again, tell him I'm sorry."

"I will. I think he knows."

"Maybe, but tell him anyway. It may be best if I stay away for a while."

"Cas, I don't think that's gonna help. Talk to Sarah. Talk to Jack."

Cas ended the call. "I'm a terrible friend." he said.

"You've always been a good one to me. I think someone needs a cookie."