Chapter 27.

Cas had only been back at the farm for an hour when a gentle prayer slipped into his mind. "Castiel," said Jules, "I need to speak to you. I'm worried."

He was afraid to face her, knowing now how wrong he had been to react as he did. Doubtless, Dean and Sam had told her of his behaviour and she, infinitely wise in such matters, would have seen how wrong it had been. He was ashamed and he knew that he would have to look into her eyes and see her disappointment.

"I love you." she said.

There was no choice. He would have to face them all sometime and the sooner he admitted his errors and apologised, the sooner they could forgive him. He had already laid in place some tactics to improve things between himself and Dean, but now he had to save the only relationship that mattered more. He reached out to her and teleported her to his side.

She took his hands, gripping them as if afraid to let go. "Thanks for listening." she said, "I don't want you to be alone. It scares me."

"Sarah's just in the kitchen." he said.

"You know what I mean." she said, "Away from the bunker and afraid."

"I handled the whole thing with Dean and Anael badly." he said.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think Dean is handling it worse."

"It doesn't." he said. She released his hands and they sat down together on the couch. The proximity and warmth brought him great comfort and he thought of the comfort Dean might have derived from a relationship with Anael. "I was stupid and selfish." he said, "I did want to protect them, I did, but I also wanted not to have to be afraid for them. I was angry because he made me fearful, because after all he has put me through, not caring about himself, suddenly he was going after a high-risk relationship that he didn't need to pursue."

"Ours was a pretty high-risk relationship too." she said, stroking his hair.

"I know, and even though he must have known that, he never tried to convince me to abandon it. In fact, he was the one person who always told me it would be worth everything. He's a better friend than I am."

"No, just better at being human, because he's had more practice." she said, "You've been giving this a lot of thought, haven't you?"

"Yes and none of my conclusions are good ones. He needed my support and I accused him of betrayal. He needed a friend and I just made him angry. I always had this belief that Anael would come to her senses and return to Heaven and her little sojourn on Earth would make her sympathetic to humans and everything would work out for the best, but no angel is ever going to choose Heaven over Dean Winchester. I never could."

"I know you struggle to believe it, but Anael wanted to be free of Heaven before she knew Dean existed."

"I know. A lot of things have become clear to me now. Dean was my brother and he loved me, but I had no right to judge his romantic choices. I gave up the best friendship I ever had because I forgot about boundaries."

"You're right about not judging his choice of relationship, but wrong about the rest." said Jules, "Dean is as worried about you as I am. He doesn't think your friendship is over. He just thinks it all went badly wrong when he unwisely slept with your sister."

He bowed his head, imagining how he would have felt if Dean had felt angry and betrayed that he had fallen in love with Jules, knowing that being asked to make a choice between the two of them would have been cruel beyond belief. "I don't deserve friends." he said.

She put her hand on his shoulder and waited for him to turn his head to her. then she said very gently, "You made a mistake. We all do that."

"My mistake hurt Dean and Anael."

"And you." she said, "But I think you understand your mistake now."

He thought about it, hoping that he did. "I think my mistake was to try to control Dean's life and relationships. I only wanted to keep him from pain, but in doing what I did, I caused him pain he had no need to endure."

"Yes. I know it feels like a failure, my love, but it's not. A few years ago, you wouldn't have been able to understand that and the truth is, you'd probably decide that your righteous anger at least proved you were in the right."

"You're not ashamed of me?" he said.

"Oh, Cas, did you really think I would be?"

"I am." he said.

"You've always been hard on yourself."

"It's not our place to keep those we love from making mistakes." he said, wondering if it could be a bad sign that the witch's advice was making sense to him.

She looked at him intently, as if wondering where that had come from. "No," she said, "It's not, but it can be so hard not to intervene."

"Angels are so stupid!" he said.

"Most of them, yes." she said, "But you're not like the others."

"I am exactly like the others, either non-interventionist to the point of absolute impotence or trying to micromanage every little thing to prevent anything unexpected occurring, because unexpected is the same as disastrous in our stupid, twisted minds."

"You need to come home, Cas. You need to talk to Dean and see that he doesn't hate you."

"And you're sure he doesn't?"

"I'm sure." she said.

They appeared in the kitchen of the bunker and he knew why, it was his happy place, the place where he felt most a part of the family. Jules took his hand and led him to the map table, where Dean was finishing a bottle of beer with two more lying empty in front of him. He looked up and then stood. "You're back!"

"Yes. I came to apologise."

"No need. It's okay. You were right. I never should have thought of Anael that way. It was a betrayal of trust."

"No, it wasn't. I was in the wrong."

"None of it matters. You're home. That's all I care about. And the thing with Anael, honestly, it's over. It was one crazy night. I just felt so lonely."

"My fault. You should never have to feel that way." Cas knew it was time to use his planning. "I have to tell you, I told Rowena. Not her name, but that there was an angel involved."

Anger flashed across Dean's face. "Why would you do that? And why would you tell me?" Then the anger was gone. "Unless telling me was the point. I made you feel betrayed, so you engineered a betrayal to put yourself equally in the wrong, so we could forgive each other and remain equals."

"It think you may be crediting me with more intelligence in these matters than I actually have." said Cas, marvelling at how Dean had not only understood, but had put it in words so much better than he ever could.

"No, maybe I just stopped underestimating you." he said, "Rowena finds out most things anyway and I definitely did the worst thing here, so, clean slates?"

"I'd like that." said Cas.

"And I swear, I will never again Winchester an angel." Dean seemed to be about to laugh. Cas didn't find his irrational outburst funny.

"I think the whole point is that you have every right to do so and I know now that I was holding on to hope that she would choose to return to Heaven. I can't blame you when her desire to leave predated your act of fornication."

"Nice way of putting it." said Dean.

Cas realised that the term was not without an air of judgement. "I'm sorry." he said.

"Don't be. Good word. I was wrong, Cas. I treated Anael like any other hook-up. It was unfair to everyone involved."

"At the time, was that how you saw it?"

"At the time, I had consumed a lot of alcohol."

"Not enough to impair you." said Cas, "At the time, did it feel meaningless?"

"Friends don't ask friends questions like that." said Dean.

"I'm sorry." said Cas, "I'll stop asking."

Jules was looking sternly at Dean and he suddenly said, "Not that any question you ask could stop us being friends."

"We are still friends?" said Cas.

"Friends, brothers, comrades. At this stage, there is no mistake you could make that would stop me being your friend."

"I hope you know that the opposite is true. If you had meaningless sex with every angel in Heaven, you would still be my brother."

"Good to know." said Dean, frowning, "But I don't think that's ever gonna happen."

"Good. It would be stressful for me."

"And for me!" said Dean.