Chapter 32.

Dean freely admitted that, although he had a strong will, his impulse-control was not always great. He had done some epically stupid things at times because he hadn't considered the consequences, like leaping headfirst into an erotic relationship with Anael, without first considering whether there would be emotional ramifications for either of them.

The impulse occurring to him now could be a bad idea too, because a little distance, sitting close to each other only when other people were around, made a lot of sense. However, they were going to have to learn to live together despite the attraction they felt and maybe it was wise to let familiarity take the excitement out of all that chemistry. Either way, he was feeling cut off from everyone and he knew that some time spent in her company would help.

He called her on his phone. She answered immediately. "Dean?"

"Hey, Anael, dumb idea, probably, but you don't sleep and I can't, so I wondered if you'd be up for hanging out for a while. We could take your new car and drive at irresponsible speeds on back roads? But, I'll understand if that doesn't interest you."

"That sounds like fun." she said.

"Good. I'm up top. Get the car out and meet me on the road."

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to take the Impala?"

"If the Impala and I both leave in the middle of the night, Sam and Cas will think I've run away. We'll take your car."

"Who's driving?" she said.

"You, of course. Your car. Anyway, I'd be a little heavy on the brake, maybe."

She laughed softly. He was surprised she'd understood the joke, if it had been a joke.

"Should I tell anyone we're going?" she said.

"No. They'll all be asleep. If they need to know, they have our numbers."

Minutes later, he was getting into the passenger seat of the Camaro. He was about to turn on the cassette tape player when he remembered what would be in there. "We should listen to the radio, maybe." he said.

"Pick a channel." she said.

He found one that was halfway through playing Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory" and he left it on that.

"Good choice." she said, "Where are we going?"

"Just drive a while." he said, "Follow the quiet roads, where we can drive a little faster."

"This time of night, isn't that all of them?" she said.

He chuckled. "Probably, yeah. Just go where you wanna go. Nobody needs us to be anywhere tonight."

She looked at him. "What have you been thinking about tonight?"

"Eyes on the road, okay? Safer that way." he said.

"I can multitask." she said, but she did make sure she watched the road. "I was surprised that you called." she said.

"So was I, a little, but if we want things back to normal, we should do stuff together. Just not that stuff."

She smiled. "You're right."

"Almost always." he said. In this case, he wished he wasn't.

"And I'm glad you want to keep our friendship. I wasn't sure you would, after having time to think about it."

"You're important to me and I don't want to lose you because I was weak and stupid."

"When were you either?" she said.

"We've probably talked too much about last night and things are not gonna get any clearer to you just by talking about them. The wound won't heal if we pick at it."

"What wound?" she said, "And what do you mean by picking at it?"

"If you have a wound ... " he began.

"You heal it." she said, "Why would you pick at it?"

"Humans always do." he said. She looked upset, as if she took it as a rebuke, or a sign that she could not become human. "As I said, we've talked about it too much and nothing good is coming from the talk."

"You're right." she said, "No matter how much we talk, I don't understand." He could hear the undercurrent as if it were his own, because it very nearly was, "It's my fault. I'm dumb. I will never understand."

"I didn't say that." he said, "Understanding comes with time and eventually, this will all make sense, but that time will come quicker if we just lay the whole thing to rest and move on together, not blaming anyone or calling this anyone's mistake."

"You think it was my fault." she said.

"I've said repeatedly that it was mine."

"Yes, but it clearly wasn't." she said, "I took my clothes off and walked into your shower."

"You didn't know what effect it would have." he said.

"I knew I wanted it to have an effect. Whatever you think, I wasn't a victim, swept along against my will."

"I never said you were." he said.

"You keep making excuses for me."

"I'm not making excuses for either of us."

"If it was a mistake, it was one we made together." she said.

"Let's say that, then." he said, "And we both get a do-over."

"Does that mean we get to do it again?" she said.

He smiled sadly. He wished that were the case. "No." he said, "That means we get to pretend it never happened and have the friendship we should have had."

"In God's plan?" she said.

"God has nothing to do with this, the old God or the new." he said.

"Then who's making all the shoulds here?"

"See, this is more talking and it's not helping anyone." he said.

"Are you angry?" she said and he inwardly groaned at how angels always leapt to that conclusion.

"No, I'm not angry. I'm just tired."

"Of me?" she said.

"No. I'm here, with you, by choice. I just don't want to keep on analysing where we went wrong."

"Okay." she said.

"Okay." he said.

"Sorry." she said.

"Don't keep saying that." he said.

"You do."

"Okay, well, I'm gonna stop too."

"Good."

"We're gonna put it behind us, forget it ever happened and have some fun, as friends. Sound good?"

"Sounds great. What do you think we should do?"

His mind supplied unhelpful images of what he would like them to do, but he shoved them aside and thought of what might amuse an ancient being who had, through no fault of her own, keen eyes and a multi-level mind with a grasp of physics beyond all human comprehension. "You ever play pool?" he said.

"No." she said, "Is it fun?"

"Yeah, it's a lot of fun and if you get lucky, you can win some money."

"That does sound like fun. I like money."

"You have to pretend you don't know where the balls will go."

"What balls?"

"You'll see the balls. I'll explain the whole game."

"And we split the money?"

"Yeah, fifty/fifty."

She nodded. "What if we lose?"

"It's only money, but I think we'll win."