Chapter 36.

After breakfast, Jules and Cas sat together in one of the archives. "Are we going to Sioux Falls today?" asked Jules.

"It would be best." said Cas, "I should give Dean and Anael space. The damage I did can only be undone by backing off. Of course, if I back off too far, Dean's going to think I resent their relationship." He looked into her kindly, non-judgemental eyes and said, "You would think an ancient cosmic being would think for a moment before saying something stupid and thoughtless and selfish."

"You're still learning, Cas," she said, "And the concept of self is still pretty new to you. We all screw up, all the time. Even people who have lived their whole life in the tangle of human emotions don't always know how to navigate it. Dean has hurt you, more than once."

The instinctive defence of Dean was his mind's first response, but she was neither criticising Dean nor making excuses for Cas. She had always been his guide in such matters and her observations and explanations had always been honest, thoughtful and fair. She knew he had fallen short of being a true friend to Dean and Anael, but she wanted him to understand, learn and move on.

He wished his conscience would allow that. He kept thinking of Dean's hand on Anael's shoulder, the pride in his smile as she told her story of hustling pool and above all, the way her eyes had shone when he praised her. There was something there and it was something both now planned to deny themselves because he had spoken without thinking.

"He never came between you and me. In fact, he always urged me to pursue a future with you. Now, he's slammed the door shut on anything but friendship between him and Anael and maybe he wouldn't have done that if I'd kept my mouth shut."

"Friendship is never a slamming door." said Jules, "You and I were friends first. If Dean and Anael love each other, friendship is a good way for them to be together until they're ready to acknowledge the fact."

"When Dean makes up his mind …" he began.

"I know, he's not what you'd call easy, but neither were you. You were so hesitant all the time, so sure that you hd no right to love. There were times when I thought we could only ever be friends and like Anael, I would have taken that, if it were that or nothing."

"I'm glad you didn't give up on me." he said.

"Yeah, me too. You were worth all the hard work." She stroked his hair and said, "You're worth everything."

"Even when I screw up?" he said.

"Even when you screw up," she said, "And at least you admit the screw-ups and try to correct them. Plenty of people don't."

"I wish I could correct this one. Seeing them together, but not, seeing how they act around each other … I didn't think it could be love, but now I do."

"So, progress." she said.

He smiled at her positive spin. She made him feel less stupid, if not less guilty. She gave him hope that he could be better at the human stuff.

The door opened and Anael came in. "I was looking for you, Castiel." she said, "Could we talk, alone?" She looked apologetically at Jules.

"Of course you can." said Jules, getting up and walking out.

Anael sat in the chair Jules had vacated. Cas tried in vain to read her face and guess whether she might be about to unleash fury or tears. In the end, neither appeared. Instead, she said, "I don't want you as an enemy, Cas, especially as you have so much influence over Dean. I know I angered you … we angered you, by what we did, but my intentions were never to do that."

She was seeking his forgiveness, when she had done nothing wrong and she was afraid that he would continue to oppose her having any kind of relationship with Dean. He thought of the early days of his relationship with Jules, when his confidence had been so low and every tiny discouragement had seemed like the end of everything. He had been tempted to avoid further discussion with her, but the only way to fix the harm he had done was to speak.

"I'm not your enemy, though I have been a terrible friend."

"What happened with Dean was not planned, on his side or mine. I know that you see it as wrong … "

"No. Neither of you did anything wrong." He spoke firmly, with conviction, knowing that his initial reaction had been forceful, to say the least.

"Even Dean says it was wrong."

"Dean thinks anything that risks making him happy is wrong and selfish and ill-advised." he said, "Dean can be mistaken." He looked into her eyes, seeing there the confusion natural to angels who tried to make sense of the matters of the flesh and all the turbulent emotions attached to humanity. "I was shocked at what had happened, afraid that one or both of you would be hurt, stupid, overbearing, interfering and wrong."

"We have both been hurt." she said.

"Yes, by me."

"Well, Dean hurt me more. I know he didn't mean to. Still hurts."

"If I'd been more supportive of your relationship, things could have gone differently." He said.

"There is no relationship. He's been clear about that. Not that kind, anyway. We can be friends."

"You love him." said Cas.

"He says I don't know what love is."

"Love is a lot like a mace. If it hits you, whether you see it or not, the effect is the same. I didn't know I loved Jules at first, but I loved her. Dean helped me to understand that. I should have helped you and Dean. Instead, I made things worse. Everything I said made it worse. I wish I could unsay the things I said. If I'd known that it was more than just sex … "

"How do you know it now?" she said.

"The way you look at him, the way he looks at you, the fact that he doesn't want to get you out of his life as quickly as possible. Even the way you both laughed this morning. Just being around him makes you happy and just having you around makes him smile more than I've seen in a long time. I was so stupid and over-protective and the very thing I wanted to see for him, I helped to destroy."

He instantly regretted is choice of words. She seemed to flinch from the word "destroy" and he quickly corrected it. "Well, to sabotage. Nothing is destroyed while the two of you are talking." He looked at his hands as if they had physically torn apart their happiness. "I was wrong, Anael," he said, "Wrong about the feelings involved, wrong to still think of you as an angel and wrong to argue against a relationship I didn't understand. Whatever I can do to undo the damage I did, I will do."

"So you now believe that I could be good for Dean?" she said.

"And he for you. It was both of you that I was trying to protect, but I know now that I was a fool and I honestly believe that you two could be as happy together as I am with Jules. If there's a chance of that, I want you to have it."

"I thought I'd need to gain your forgiveness."

"I beg yours. As friend and brother angel, I have failed you."

"Do you think there's hope?" she said.

"I know that nobody evades any chance of happiness quite like Dean," he said, "But I also know the powerful pull of love. Don't give up hope. Dean is stubborn and strong-willed and he keeps a firm grip on his feelings, but that's only because they are deeper than the Grand Canyon and their power terrifies him. Be patient. Let him go through whatever he needs to go through. The fact that he wants you around means he isn't closing any doors just yet."