Chapter 38.
With Dean out of the bunker and engaged in harmless errands and Anael happy to hang out with Charlie, Sam felt it was safe for him and Eileen to head out to Sarah's farm. He was conscious of not having been there for a while and it seemed unfair not to include Sarah in discussion of the coming child.
He knew that he tended to avoid the farm whenever he feared that Sarah might want to delve into buried trauma, but that seemed unlikely when she had the chance to talk about something happier. She had always urged him to go into the future with hope and confidence and here he was, about to be a father.
As soon as he called to suggest a visit, her response was enthusiastic and welcoming. Forty minutes later, he and Eileen were sitting at her kitchen table, drinking tea and eating freshly baked cookies as they discussed the painting of the nursery walls.
The bunker could be a dark place and Sarah suggested a field of flowers, bright in the summer sun, with bees, birds and butterflies, a bright sky above, an endless Kansas summer day. Sam loved the sound of it. Boy or girl, the baby would love the bright colours and as he or she grew, would appreciate the beauty of the scene.
As soon as Sam had finished his first cookie, Sarah gave him another, chuckling at his surprise. "You've been away from the farm too long." she said, "You've forgotten that I love to spoil you." She passed another cookie to Eileen too. "We need to spoil you, too, Eileen, dear and the little one. I hope your child will see this place as you do. There will always be a welcome here."
"We know that," said Eileen, "And our baby will grow up knowing you as his or her Grandma Sarah."
"Bless you, sweet girl. I feel so fortunate to have found this family, just when I seemed doomed to be eternally alone."
"You'll never be alone now," said Sam, "We'll see to that and I know that being around you will be good for the Huntling."
"Huntling? That's so sweet!"
"Well, we think it's better than Crowley's 'small Winchester number one.'" said Sam, "I mean it, though. You're good with people. You're good with Winchesters and hopefully you can counteract any mistakes I make or any bad influences from the past."
She refilled his cup and said kindly, "just how certain are you that you will mess up as a father?"
He sighed. She never missed his insecurities. She saw him all too clearly. He replied carefully. "I'm always aware of the fact that my father did everything he could to be a good father and still damaged Dean in ways that cause him pain to this day."
"Just Dean?" said Sarah.
"No, not just Dean, but more Dean, mostly Dean. I escaped a lot of it, Dean protected me from more. Dad wasn't a bad person. He wasn't even a bad father, just human and traumatised and afraid. I know that I'm like him in a lot of ways and not exactly free from trauma. I need to make sure that I remember and learn from his mistakes."
"My dear, despite everything you and Eileen have been through, you're still resilient and gentle and loving. I have no fears for our little Huntling. Your child will know that they can always go to Mommy and Daddy with fears and worries. Tears will get hugs, doubts will be settled."
"I hope you're right." said Sam.
"In this case, I'm very sure I am." she said, "You worry about being like John, but you are a lot more like Dean and Dean, however he pretends otherwise, is one of life's nurturers."
"That's true." said Sam.
"On the subject of Dean, how are things now? I understand Castiel came to his senses."
"Yes," said Sam, "To be honest, I don't understand why he got so angry in the first place. Even Jack is fine with Anael becoming human, but it seems Cas wasn't as resigned to it as we thought."
"Be kind to him. Billions of years of programming weigh down on him. He's changed a lot, but in times of stress, his angelic nature kicks in with all its strange logic and insane rules. At times, the rational, sane response has to be slowly constructed, after he has calmed the klaxons in his head and all the time, there are the fears of losing Dean, of losing you, of failing Heaven."
"And even Heaven comes in two flavours and the past rules always seem to apply, even though Chuck is gone."
"Aeons of 'obey without question' don't vanish overnight," she said, "But when we last spoke, he sounded as if he had accepted that he was wrong."
"Yeah," said Sam, "And now he feels like he's destroyed everything."
"Poor, sweet angel." she said, "He still has a lot of learning to do. I'm glad he has Jules."
"Me too," said Sam, "Without her, I think he would have left the bunker, this time and then that would have messed up everything. The situation with Anael and Dean is delicate enough, without him feeling he has to pick an angel."
"So, everyone is currently still at the bunker and on good terms?"
"I think everything is about as good as it can be." said Sam.
"Dean and Anael have decided to be friends," said Eileen, "Which probably isn't going to work, but it keeps them both there and talking."
"And what do you two think of Dean and Anael?" asked Sarah.
Eileen answered first. "Anael's a good friend and could be very good for Dean. In everything but her species, she couldn't be more perfect. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's so sarcastic and she can make him laugh. Dean needs to laugh."
"He certainly does," said Sarah, "And her species shouldn't be a problem for long."
"There are complications." said Sam.
"How so?" said Sarah.
"You know how Dean is." said Sam, "Everything is his fault and he's not at all in favour of an angel choosing mortality for him."
"Would it be for him? I got the impression from things that Castiel said that she's wanted to be human for a long time."
"Facts are never a major factor in his guilt," said Sam, "And even though he would love her to be human, the very fact that he wants that makes it feel like he's to blame. If she's human, one day she'll die and in his mind, that means he would have killed her. It makes no sense, but to him, it's obvious."
"As with Castiel, the habits of a lifetime are hard to break and although Dean always promises to try, he struggles to believe that he can change. Each of you has your own patterns to change, your own false assumptions to let go and for each of you, some days will be easier than others."
"Anael will help him a lot there." said Eileen, "Abstract ideas of a better kind of life will never be as effective for Dean as a hot redhead."
Sam chuckled. "She has a point." he said, "I'll admit, Eileen makes it a Hell of a lot easier for me to change. I want to change for her and for the Huntling. I just keep thinking of the future we can have, if I can let go of the past."
"I love to hear you talk like that," said Sarah, "And to know that your baby will benefit all the way from that attitude. Always remember, Sam, the past belongs to you, you don't belong to it. It has no dominion over you, except what you grant it and if you use it wisely, aspects of it can offer lessons for you and Eileen and the little one. You choose how things go from here."
"You're right and I will choose well."
"I know you will, Sam. I have absolute faith in you."