Chapter 39.
The evening was pretty painless for Dean. Everyone was on their best behaviour and Cas and Jules entertained everyone with stories of the latest demon dramas in Sioux Falls.
Commanded not to do each other any serious harm, Meg and Crowley devolved into the petty, arguing over seating, authority over Samandriel and coffee mugs and each greatly resented it when Cas chose not to instantly defend their side. It was a lot like a kindergarten where the children were armed and dangerous, but might be distracted with anything shiny.
Mostly, Cas kept order by keeping them busy. Crowley relished the work of devising pathways to redemption for those in Hell and Meg focused on Earth. According to Cas, she had valuable insights, but Dean suspected his judgement was more than a little clouded by personal affection.
The relationship between Meg and Cas had never made a lot of sense to Dean, but he was hardly in a position to criticise anyone else for irrational relationship choices. In a lonely universe, it was natural to reach out to somebody, whether for friendship, love or just to hear another person breathing nearby. Cas and Meg were friends and that was fine.
He went to bed earlier than usual, telling himself he was tired and not that he found the closeness of the two couples less easy to witness when he was acutely aware of the quiet presence of Anael. It didn't matter that the only one forbidding the relationship was him. It still felt forbidden. In fact, if anyone else had ruled it unacceptable, his instinct would have been to rebel, but he knew how strongly he stuck to his decisions. He was not going to weaken.
He had been in his room a couple of hours without sleep when he heard two light knocks on the door. His first thought was Sam, but the knocks were too light, almost surreptitious. "Yeah?" he said.
The door opened and Anael came in, closing it gently behind her. "I have a proposition." she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Well, if it's the one I think it is, I'm gonna have to reluctantly decline." he said.
"It's not sex." She said, his disappointment and relief.
"Okay, listening." he said, sitting up.
She sat on the side of the bed. He didn't protest. He could surely allow himself that little intimacy.
"I've been thinking about what you said."
Thinking back over all the things he'd said, he hoped she hadn't been focused on the hurtful part. He regretted almost everything he'd said to her.
"About how you have all those old, unmet needs and sex with me was all about trying to fulfil them."
It was the most honest and heartfelt part of everything he had said, but hearing it repeated still made it feel brutally unkind, "I'm sorry." he said.
"No need to be," she said, "We're not dewy-eyed teens. You and I are practical people." She thought she was selling it, but angels putting on a casual air were rarely convincing. He said nothing, preferring to let her think she had fooled him. She went on, "Love isn't an option for us, but that doesn't mean that we don't have options."
Her voice was like honey sinking into hot toast. Whatever she was talking about, he could happily listen to it all night. He had done the right thing and denied himself a relationship with her. He felt he coud allow himself the pleasure of hanging out with her, especially as she seemed to accept whatever parameters he set for them.
"Go on." he said, hoping nothing either of them said would end the conversation and send her away.
"Forget the sex," she said, as if it were that easily forgotten, "Being together that night, holding each other, fulfilled those unmet needs for you, didn't it?"
It had and more completely than he had thought possible. "Yes." He said, adding, "But that didn't give me the right to use you like that."
"Nobody used anybody, Dean. You didn't deceive me. You made no false promises. You have nothing to feel guilty about."
He disagreed. He would always disagree, but nothing would make him argue with her right now, when she was close and friendly and speaking in that voice that soothed aches he didn't know he had.
"It did the same for me. For the first time since the Fall, I didn't feel lonely and disconnected. You think I can't distinguish sensation from emotion, desire from love and maybe you're right. Maybe I can't know what love is, but I know how it feels not to be afraid and confused."
"You're saying you felt less confused?" he said. Then he thought about it. The confusion had come after, for him. During that night, there had been clarity like a beacon of light. If he had not known better, he might have called it love. What had seemed like coming to his senses, the next day had been the opposite. The clarity had been replaced by fear and guilt and the certainty that nothing so powerful and so pure could possibly be for him.
"There was no confusion at all, that night." she said, "It all felt so natural and right and I thought you felt the same way and I'm sorry that you don't, but I'm not asking you for anything more than you can give. I'm just suggesting that if both of us derive the fulfilment of needs from being together at night, is it wrong for us to spend the night together, platonically?"
"Are you serious?" he said.
"It is wrong?" she said.
"I honestly don't know." he said, "It doesn't sound wise or safe."
"Not criteria you ever worried about before." She said.
"True." he admitted.
"When you talked about it, those needs sounded important."
"I wouldn't say that." he said.
"Because they're yours?" she asked.
"Because they're old. I've lived with them a long time."
"I've lived with mine a lot longer." she said.
"True." he admitted, "So, what's the actual proposition? That we snuggle up in bed together and just make each other less lonely?"
"Are you laughing at me?" she said.
"Not at all." He said.
"I know you don't love me. I'm okay with that."
"It's not that I don't love you, it's that I can't."
"I know, too many angel issues."
"For a start. Anael, I don't want you wasting your time and affection on a guy who ... "
"Who treats me kindly, makes me laugh and brings me a peace I've never known before?"
"I don't bring peace to anyone." he said, "I screw up every life that I touch."
She looked sad. His heart lurched. He didn't want to keep hurting her this way, but her offer was foolish. It could never be good for her. How would they even keep it secret in the bunker? It was impossible that nobody would notice them sneaking into each other's rooms. Then too, how was it possible to keep it platonic when the chemistry between them showed no sign of diminishing.
"So, it's a no, then." she said.
"It should be." he said, "Just the logistics of hiding it would be insane."
"I don't sleep. I could slip away before anyone else woke up." she said. He could hear the death of hope in her voice. Cas was another one who never slept and Jack was omniscient. Charlie wasn't exactly easy to fool either.
He remembered holding her close, feeling her soft, silken hair against his chest, looking into her bright, wakeful eyes, her watchfulness not even a little bit creepy to him. Whether it was right or wrong for him to want it, he wanted more. Maybe he had no right, but he'd had no right to punch God in the face either.
"Are you sure you even want that?" he said, "You'd probably be better off looking for someone less damaged and more loving. You don't need me."
"We could go to motels ..." she said.
"Like we're having some kind of affair?" he said.
"You're right. Hiding it here would be hard."
He looked at her and nodded. There was no way it could work. However they tried to hide it, it would take the others five seconds to figure it out. "So maybe we don't hide it." he said, "Maybe we just tell them all it's how things are now and we let them think what they want."
"Really?" she said.
"It's probably a bad idea and if you decide it's a mistake, I'll understand, but I hate sleeping alone and if you're willing to stay here tonight and make the darkness a little less empty, I don't think I wanna refuse."
She slipped her arms around him and he reciprocated. As soon as they embraced, Dean felt peace and comfort and a feeling that he didn't need to pretend to be okay. He kissed her cheek and then whispered, "Keeping this platonic is gonna be tough."