Ibuki: Disclaimer! The author does not own any of the material appearing in this story. The OC's belong to their respective owners!
"Hey there, I'm Church."
"And I'm Tucker!"
"Today, we're going to talk to you about-"
"…What the… is that a tidal wave?"
"Huh?" Church turned his head. "Oh, son of a-"
The tidal wave swept them both away. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Both of them yelled, and then Futaba walked in.
"Ya know, I could've just had my Persona take 'em away, Nitori." Futaba said.
"Nah, too boring." Nitori waved it off. "Anyway… let's do this!"
"Yeah!" Futaba turned to the camera. "Hello, people! I'm Futaba Sakura from the ridiculously popular game, Persona 5."
"And I'm Nitori Kawashiro from the less popular franchise compared to Persona, Touhou Project."
"And today, we're going to talk to you about… hold on, what are we talking about again?" Futaba pulled out her phone to see what they were going to talk about, her eyes widening a few seconds. "Oh no..."
BGM: Haunted Fortress 2 (Team Fortress 2) (Start at 0:05)
PSA: Cryptocurrency
"…This is gonna be interesting…" Futaba groaned.
"What's with the Halloween music? Can we cut that?" Nitori asked.
End BGM
"Thank you!"
"Ooookay, this is gonna be quite the… interesting PSA." Futaba rubbed the back of her head. "Okay, so basically, Cryptocurrency is basically digital money. You can earn it in many different ways and store it in your digital wallet… although you need a password to log in and store more money that way."
"Although, like most people, if you forget your password and you try a bunch of different ways, you can easily lose all that hard earned digital cash just like that. So, depending on your preference, you can go to your local bank and store your physical money there or you can risk it all and get yourself a digital wallet… seriously, how is this even legal?"
"Apparently there are a few countries who banned cryptocurrency… but it's very legal in the United States so… hooray for those guys, I guess?"
Confessional - Nan
"Not all the states! A few years ago, I found out that Wyoming made it illegal to possess cryptocurrency… and guess who lives in Wyoming and isn't that knowledgeable on this stuff?" He raised his hand. "Yuuuup!"
End Confessional
"Depending on who you are, cryptocurrency could be a good thing or a bad thing. You can make off like a bandit with this stuff if you feel like owning a digital bank and risk it all or just not do any of that stuff. It's entirely up to you." Nitori said.
"However, there's this one teeny tiny thing that gives cryptocurrency a bad rap." Futaba scrolled through her phone and pulled up a picture of a monkey. "Non-Fungible Tokens or NFTs for short!"
Nitori sweatdropped. "Oh, you're right… this is gonna suck…"
"So, for those who don't know… let me just Google this real quick… An NFT is a unit of data stored on a digital ledger, called a blockchain, which can be sold and traded. The NFT can be associated with a particular digital or physical asset (such as a file or a physical object) and a license to use the asset for a specified purpose." Futaba looked up at the screen. "So, basically, you can sell a piece of art for a lot of cash and someone who is dumb enough to pay for it can own it… but can't do anything with it. The person who made the NFT makes off like a bandit and you're stuck with a useless thumbnail. Congrats, people, you played yourselves!"
"Yuuuup. It's a scam!" Nitori nodded.
"You know that famous art piece, the Mona Lisa? Someone out there probably turned that into a digital scam and some poor soul bought that for absolutely no value whatsoever while the other guy gets rich for taking THEIR money! Uuuugh, lousy good for nothing… the sad thing is, I can see Eddy doing something like this!"
"…Who?"
"You ever heard of a show called Ed, Edd N' Eddy? It's a really good show!"
"No…?"
"Oooh, watch party at my house~!"
"Mmm, an NFT, hmm?" Wario mused as he shifted his eyes before taking a screenshot of it. "Ha! I can sell this screenshot of an NFT for easy cash! Wahahaha!"
Confessional - Wario
"I may be a greedy son of a gun but I'm not greedy enough to make an NFT. There's a fine line on how I do things. Finding treasure chests, cheat people out of their wallets or steal someone's entire vault for stiffing me? That's good business! NFTs? Nope, not good business. However, just between you and me, there's a way to get an NFT for free without having to pay a single coin. Just right click it and copy it for yourself! Saved you a thousand bucks. Or you can do what I did, take a screenshot of it and sell said screenshot! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! …Don't worry, I'll sell it a lower price than what they typically offer. A hundred coins worth! Easy money."
End Confessional
"That's him, officer!"
"Hmm?" Wario turned his head to see a whiny brat pointing to him.
"That's the guy who stole my NFT!"
The officer pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "I don't get paid enough for this…"
"You'll never take me alive!" Wario jumped out of the window, hopped on his Wario Bike and drove off toward the hills. "WAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Not only that, but there are some gaming companies out there who are taking an interest in NFTs… or are already doing it. Looking at YOU, Konami and your Castlevania NFTs!" Futaba glared.
Confessional - Simon
"What is this NFT you speak of? Is it some sort of witchcraft from Dracula and his minions?"
Confessional - Richter
"…Sorry, what are they doing? I'm not following."
Confessional - Alucard
"Ever since I became an Assist Trophy, I decided to follow the curiosity of the technology that is missing from my realm. Richter tends to get lost but he seems to understand the technology. Simon, however, can't fully grasp it and his mind tends to break. That said, am I surprised Konami is doing NFTs? Well… given what they're doing with their franchises, no… but it is aggravating."
Confessional - Dracula
Dracula took a sip of his wine. "And you call me the villain? At least I suck people's blood and not their digital wallets! Hmm, who is the true vampire here? Me or how Konami is treating our games?"
Confessional - Snake
"Tch… so this is the route they're going? Can't say I'm surprised. It'll only be a matter of time before they go after my franchise."
End Confessional
"…Are there other video game companies that are doing this?" Nitori asked.
"Well, I've heard Ubisoft and EA are taking an interest… then again, nothing surprises me with EA anymore. Oh, and Square Enix is doing it too, despite Square's president knowing full well everyone hates it. Sega thought of doing it but got out following the backlash."
Confessional - Sonic
"Finally! My company does something right! Glad we dodged a bullet there! Yeah, Eggy was gonna do it but considering the backlash we heard from Square Enix, we did some research on it and… well, okay, I'm an environmentally friendly hedgehog. We don't do ANY of that for Naka's sake! Sega may be flawed but it ain't that flawed to sink that low! Now I better tell Kiryu about this before he buys one and founds out that he got scammed for a JPEG. He gets real mad about people who are scamming him."
Confessional - Cloud
Cloud took a deep breath before facepalming. He raised a finger to say something before lowering it and shook his head. He got up and walked away.
"Where are you going?" The Lakitu cameraman asked.
"Going to do a little clean up like what we did with Shinra Corp. Won't take long!"
"Oh dear."
Cloud pulled out his phone and called someone up. "Hey Noctis, it's me. You want to do a little clean up in Square's offices?"
"What did they do NOW?"
"Three letters. NFT."
"…I'll be right there."
Confessional - Yang
"I swear, if RoosterTeeth announces they are turning any of us into NFTs… let's just say that heads are going to start rolling." She said, loading up Ember Celicia in front of the cameras.
Confessional - Eggman
"Look, I may be a mad scientist who is bent on world domination and who has put animals in robots but even I think that destroying the environment over an image goes too far!"
"But boss? Don't you want to industrialize the world and destroy the environment that way?" Orbot asked.
"Quiet you! I'm going to destroy the planet MY way!"
Confessional - Viridi
"All of this fuss over a lousy picture on the internet? You humans blow things way out of proportion, it's hilarious." She said with a chuckle. "…Wait, they do what to the environment?"
End confessional
"Okay, it says here that the NFTs are bought and sold with Ethereum, which is a cryptocurrency that guzzles up energy and pumps out a lot of greenhouse gas emissions." Nitori said, looking through Futaba's phone. "…Oh my."
"Pretty much!" Futaba nodded. "So, Cryptocurrency? Not a good investment! You could invest in better things like video games, or Pokemon cards or… literally anything that's worth more than a stupid image on the internet!"
"Seriously, don't do it." Nitori said.
"Anyway, this is Futa-"
"THAT'S IT!" A voice yelled as they turned to see the Reds and Blues aiming their weapons at them.
"Whoa! What's with the weapons?" NItori asked.
"We're tired of you hoggin' the spotlight for our PSAs! I say it's time we take it back!" Sarge said as suddenly a large shadow overlapped all of them. "…Why'd it get dark all of a sudden?"
"Ooooh, that's a pretty big raindrop! …Why is it crimson?" Caboose asked.
"A crimson raindrop?" Futaba asked as everyone but Church looked up. "Oh crap… BAIL! BAAAAAIL!" She yelled as they all left.
"Yeah, that's right! We own PSA! Right guys?" Church turned his head to see them gone. "…Guys? Where'd everyone go?" He wondered as he looked up. "…Oh, son of a BITCH."
Confessional - Umber
"NFT? Sorry, I was asleep… is that a Nasty Fucking Trademark or something?" He let out a yawn before going back asleep… when he suddenly heard the faint boom of a Reset Bomb, startling him awake. "Th- the hell?"
End confessional
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! SUCK ON THAT, NFT GRIFTERS!" Viridi laughed.
"…Oh dear." Palutena sweatdropped.
"I'm okaaaay! Oooow…"
"Welp! I guess that got the goddess's attention!" Sarge said as Futaba and Nitori looked at each other.
"Ooookay, so while we go clean up Viridi's mess… this is Futaba!"
"And this is Nitori!"
"We'll see you next time!"
"Whoa, hold on a second… what's with this Rubik's Cube on the ground?" Tucker wondered as he started to play with it until he got all the colors to match, and then it started to light up. "Uh oh…" He dropped it to the ground as suddenly, it opened up and Flash came out.
"The box. You opened it… and I'm here!"
"Hellraiser?" Tucker asked.
"Bingo!" Flash grinned and looked at what he saw. "Oh, looks like the PSA was cut short? I can add more to it!"
Confessional - Flash
"I have...a very personal reason for being involved here. Hellraiser was my first ever horror movie, and it was a WILD ride. Loved every moment of it!" Flash's smile turned to a frown. "That said...BHVR got in bed with some NFT company I've never heard of before, Boss Protocol I think it was? Anyway...only reason Pinhead was able to join Horror Movie Smash Bros was if they took his and Chatterer's models and let those be used as NFTs. And that's why I'm here."
End confessional
"So uh... what are you gonna add?" Tucker asked.
Flash turned to the Lakitu cameraman. "Camera still rolling?"
"Yup!"
"Good. So now that I'm here, I'm going to impart some wisdom on what you can do instead of NFTs if you really want something," Flash began, taking a seat. "After helping Viridi with the whole 'grifters getting owned' thing...it's the least I can do. First and foremost, commission art from artists you know and like for their work. It's a hell of a lot cheaper, doesn't do the whole truckload of carbon emission stuff, and it generally looks better."
"He's right! The NFT's people make are drawn horribly that a five year old can draw it better!" Futaba called out, tearing away branches to try to get Church out of there.
"Cryptocurrency, if you ever feel yourself motivated to do that, make sure you research what kind of coin you're interested in, as you may find yourself running into what is called a 'Shitcoin', which..." Flash paused. "Do I have to explain?" He'd send out another chain to help Futaba dig Church out.
"Thank you! Go ahead if you want to! We might here a while."
"Church, if you can hear me, cough!" Doc said.
"DAMMIT, HOW CAN I COUGH WHEN I HAVE A STICK UP MY ASS!"
"Dig faster!" Nitori said.
"There's so many branches, I don't know which one to pull!" Simmons said.
"And lastly, which is most important to me, if you see any companies or individuals boasting about their NFTs for exorbitant amounts of buying one for the same amount, feel free to point and laugh at them like you SHOULD." Flash rolled his eyes. "Just don't dedicate your whole life to doing it. There's more important things to be angry about."
"Yeah, like Grif not being the one who got caught in this thing!" Sarge said.
"I'm too lazy to die!" Grif said, lounging on a lounge chair. "Keep at it, you're doing great!"
"Anyway, this is Flash. I'll see you soon!" He said as he turned around. "Might as well go help." He walked off to help them out and then eventually, Church was pulled out as he fell on his hands and knees.
"Hooray! We got Church!" Caboose cheered.
"Church! Speak to me, man!" Tucker said, nudging him.
"Hah… rrrgh… I. HATE! GODS!"
"Yeah, he'll be fine." Flash chuckled.
Ibuki: Wait, it's true Wyoming has made this illegal?
Yeah... I guess I lucked out. Who knew?
Ibuki: *snickers*
Anyway, thanks to everyone on Discord who helped me out with this NFT PSA, 'cause i'm not very knowledgeable on this thing but i've heard enough to know it's a very bad idea. Seriously, once you find out crypto is illegal in your state, you just tend to drop it and forget it's entire existence for a while. Oh well!