Chapter 74.
Standing under the cascading hot water, Dean felt different. He was accustomed to the ache in his shoulders, the tension in his chest, the endless weariness of just standing straight when he wanted to curl up on the floor, exhausted, broken and despairing.
Things had been getting better for a while, life easier. The victory over Chuck, Sam marrying Eileen, Charlie and Bobby coming back and above all, Cas's return from the Empty had all helped, but still he had felt distant from everyone and excluded a little from the general happiness, able to appreciate it for those he loved, but knowing there was nothing of the kind for him.
No ache in shoulders or chest today. He was honestly a little more tired than usual, because trying to keep up with an untiring angel in bed and make it worth the hours she then had to spend watching him sleep was hard work, but he felt alive in a way he never had before. He felt human.
That was weird, to him, that he felt more human after a night with an angel. Hdn't he always prided himself on being human and how he would never be like them or allied with them or in any way ... but he loved Cas like a brother. He loved Anael in another way.
He'd never thought he would tell any prospective partner the whole truth, the horror of Hell, the terrible mistakes, the manipulation, the selfishness, the corruption. Anyone who knew it all would reject him, of course. They'd be mad not to.
Anael knew. Angel radio had kept her fully informed and doubtless any gaps in her knowledge had been filled by Cas. There was little point in making any effort to pretend to be what he wasn't, so he had been more honest, more naked, than he had ever imagined he would be.
He'd thought at first that she was confused, bewildered, infatuated with the fact of his humanity and unable to see just how fallen and damaged he was, but that wasn't true. She had insights into his nature and his pain that he had never expected and she knew what he was.
She still loved him. More than that, she loved only him. It wasn't that she tolerated his flaws. She almost celebrated them. She embraced him exactly as he was and what an embrace! Flickering lights or not, sex with her was incredible.
Laughing with her was pretty great too. Breathing the same air, sharing the same space, hearing her say his name ... it was all wonderful.
He remembered the day before, singing with her in the car, letting himself just sing, because she wasn't going to laugh at him. They were both more enthusiastic than tuneful although, in truth, she really hadn't been that bad. It had been fun and he had mostly forgotten how it felt to just do thing for fun.
His parents had sung together in the car. The memory brought a smile to his lips, because they had never argued about music. It had made them smile and laugh and when he had joined in, they had both looked at him with love and approval. He never really thought about those times now. It was as if Anael had given him a window into happier times, a reminder that the past had not been all pain.
Sam had told them about the baby so it would be easier for him to speak to them, because Sam thought he needed his father at a time like this and part of him did, but they had never talked about this stuff before. Sure, they'd talked about women and sex and John had given him useful advice like not to get too involved, but they had never talked about Cassie, for example. He had never even told his dad there had been someone. He couldn't.
He couldn't because he couldn't tell anyone he had screwed it up. So it was a good thing he hadn't mentioned her before it all went wrong and why hadn't he said anything? Because it felt wrong, to even suggest a happy relationship to a man still so deep in grief for his own.
In a way, it still seemed like a good idea. Maybe it was a mistake to let people know about him and Anael. When it all fell apart, they would know and they would all have opinions on where he had gone wrong and Sam would say he had never had enough faith in it and Sarah would ask him why he thought "when" and not "if" and maybe it would have been better to hide it from them after all.
It was a when. The angel issues weren't going away. Not only could he not convince her to give up on becoming human, it didn't feel fair to try. Equally, though, he could never make himself reconsider his own position. However good things were between them and things were very good, the terrible ending was already guaranteed.
Or maybe not. Every apocalypse, every demon deal, every decree of Chuck's had seemed like a guaranteed terrible ending and okay, some had produced very bad consequences, but none had been actual endings. They had beaten the odds so many times, maybe together, they could again.
Maybe together, like Cas and Jules. Maybe he needed to talk to them about the way Cas had apparently started to build a soul from the combination of his grace and her human aura. If it happened for one angel and human, it could happen for any such pair, right? A human soul was what she really wanted, not a human lifespan or the horrors of injury, old age and disease. He decided to discuss it with her before he spoke to the others, find out if there might be a simple solution after all.
Only not over breakfast. He was going to make breakfast special. He loved that she would eat with him, even though food was unnecessary for her. Even stupid things, like grabbing a burger together or sharing a bottle of whisky felt good. She seemed to enjoy them and to enjoy receiving anything he might give her, just like Cas had always been touched by offers of beer that had no effect whatsoever. Maybe it seemed as human to her as it did to him. Maybe it comforted her in the same way.
Should he need comfort like that? Should he need their relationship to feel like a human one? Sam, he was sure, would have taken the angel thing in stride. Angel, demon, werewolf, all the same to Sam. Why wasn't it the same for Dean? Was it his fear, since childhood, of losing his own humanity? He'd done that a couple of times and the memories haunted him. Was it that he felt her feelings might not be real if she were not human? He was sure now that they were real. He was almost completely certain.
If he spoke to Sarah, she would home in on all those questions. She would ask him whether he was troubled by the fact that the body beside him in bed was a vessel. He was, when he let himself think about it, but however you looked at it, it was also Anael and she was now the only person in there, but there were still huge issues attached to that body.
He wondered whether Sam had mentioned what he said about necrophilia and whether she would ask about that. It wasn't an aspect he'd want to discuss and it raised uncomfortable questions about his feelings concerning Cas and Jules or even Sam and Eileen. Everyone had been dead at one point, so why had that word even come into his head.
He knew why, really, because it meant something evil, twisted and corrupted and he was always accusing himself of all those things. Part of him was forever looking back at what he had been in Hell and although talking about it had helped, it could never be erased or excused. He could not see anything in his life as untainted by depravity.
Maybe that was why he couldn't talk to John. He wanted to go to his father with a life that would make him proud, not with a messy heap of mistakes, fears and self-loathing. It was possible he still needed his dad's approval. It was equally possible that this was unhealthy in a man of his years.
He got out of the shower and dried himself off. She was waiting for him in the kitchen and the others were probably there and he could just enjoy making her French toast. There would be time to worry later and he knew he would, but the night had been free of doubt and shame. He remembered it vividly.
He dressed, shaved and went to the kitchen. Bobby and Anael were smiling at each other. That made him uneasily sure that he had been thoroughly discussed. "Hey." he said.
They turned to look at him. "I was just getting to know your lovely lady." said Bobby.
"That's good." said Dean, hoping it was.
"You're a lucky man." said Bobby, "Girl's a peach."
"Yes, she is." said Dean, "Sam and Eileen not up yet?"
"Out an hour ago, running." said Bobby with a tone of contempt, "I don't know why anyone would run with no-one chasing, but Sam always was a weird kid."
"Yeah, he was." said Dean. He felt weirdly good about it, however much he teased them. They had something that was just theirs.
Anael stood and came over to him. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him. He flashed a troubled glance at Bobby, not sure that he wanted things to be so public, but then he closed his eyes and gave in to the kiss. When it ended, she released him and said, "That's for the breakfast you're going to make me."
"Hey, I can make breakfast too." said Bobby, hopefully.
"No, you can't." said Dean quickly. He smiled at her. "I'd better make it worth the kiss."
She said nothing. She just smiled. He set to work, determined to impress her.