Chapter 77.

Humans were hard to read and Dean could be more difficult than most. He had cooked her breakfast and had talked about their relationship easily enough, but Anael was never sure what thoughts were bubbling below the surface.

Bobby had called on Castiel and departed with him to Sioux Falls and then Dean had nodded to her and they had headed for the garage together. Dean hadn't called Sarah to say they were coming and she wondered about that. She didn't know if it might be unusual and whether it was a good or bad sign.

Breakfast had been good. Bobby had been right that Dean enjoyed cooking for her. He was telling the truth about his feelings for her, she was sure of that. She worried about the other stuff, the lifetime of insecurities, the nagging doubts about being with an angel and how unsettled he seemed by the thought of telling Sarah.

He said it was fine. He said his reasons for avoiding Sarah were in the past, but it was never that simple with Dean. He'd admitted he wasn't comfortable with any of it and she understood that. She could be patient with any uncertainty he may have and she couldn't criticise anyone else for not knowing how to handle human relationships, but there was always the fear that he might suddenly give up on the whole thing.

She made sure she reached the car first. She didn't know whether he would try to open the door for her and that avoided any awkwardness. As she opened the door, he reached his and flashed her a smile that made her feel a lot better about everything.

In the car, he said, "Zepp or Kansas?"

"Whatever you like." she said.

There was a flicker of a frown. She knew he was thinking she was an indecisive angel.

"I mean … " she began.

"It's okay." he said, "It wasn't a test. You're a little on edge today. I mean, more than I am."

She nodded. "I have more to lose."

His eyes went flatteringly wide. His surprise seemed genuine. "You really don't." he said, "You're special. Why do you think I let you choose the music?"

"What if I said Bon Jovi?" she said.

He reached for the cassette tape. "We have Bon Jovi." he said.

"I know it bothers you, when I can't decide." she said.

"Less and less." he said, "It's not your fault and it's not even that annoying. It just reminds me that you're an angel and that triggers all the Michael crap and the Cas crap and Zachariah and the whole celestial army of douchebags."

Once they were out on the road, she said, "I try to think like a human. I try to make good choices."

"Yeah, I know you do." he said, "You're getting better." He went quiet for a while, just watching the road ahead, then he seemed to feel a need to say more. "I don't need you to be like a human." he said, "That's not what you are and I shouldn't and don't expect it. What I need is to know that you're not letting me make all the decisions. You know what made last night so good? Knowing that you were as into it as I was."

"I was." she assured him.

"Yeah and it showed. I don't need you to pretend to be human, but I do need to know what you want. I need you to want things for yourself. They don't even have to be about us."

"Isn't that what everyone wants from you?" she said.

He chuckled. "I guess it is. Maybe that's why it matters so much. You know, Sarah always talks like not wanting stuff for yourself is a bad sign. I worry about you enough."

"Why would you worry about me?" she said.

"I know you think you celestials are indestructible, but you're pretty easy to hurt. I know. I've been effortlessly breaking Cas for over a decade. I'm not a great guy, by any standard. I tend to trample people and with people, that's fine. Most of them deserve it and all of them are used to it and I can live with the fact that they think I'm a jerk."

"But I'm different?"

"You and Cas are different. The hurt cuts deeper. I've hurt a lot of people In a lot of different ways and I know I've hurt both of you, but that needs to stop."

"The person you hurt most is yourself." she said, nervously watching for a reaction.

She got one, a faint, rueful smirk. "Maybe. That doesn't matter."

"It matters." she said.

"Not many people get their just desserts. Bad things happen to good people all the time and there are some evil sons of bitches who never have to pay, but sometimes, someone gets exactly what they deserve and I approve that, even when it's me."

"You're not evil." she said.

He looked at her, then quickly back at the road. "You know what I did in Hell."

"And I tried to kill you. We all do things that we regret."

"Do you regret that?" he said and she was angry with herself for bringing it up again. No apology struck him as sincere. He considered her incapable of remorse.

"Yes, I do." she said.

Again, the sidelong glance, quickly averted. He didn't believe her and if she didn't change the subject, he would get angry again. It almost seemed a good idea. If he were angry with her, he might for a moment stop hating himself, but she didn't want him to hate her either.

"Jack admires you." she said, "God himself looks up to you."

"He's just a kid. Take away the omniscience and infinite power and he's just a little boy."

"The omniscience seems to cancel that out." she said.

"He doesn't see me as I am."

"Do you?"

"All too clearly." he said, "I know what I've done. I can't forget it."

"How many times have you saved the world now?"

"Irrelevant." he said.

"By no means." she said.

"The bad outweighs the good."

"I disagree."

He laughed softly. "Maybe that's why we're so good together. I always loved a good argument."

She couldn't ignore that. "We are good together, aren't we?" she said.

"We are." he confirmed. They both fell silent for a time. Eventually, he said, "neither of us can fix the past, but that doesn't mean we can't make some kind of future. You're willing to overlook what I am and I'm willing to overlook what you've done …"

"And what I am." she said, "And what I want to be."

Silence again. It seemed he didn't know how to respond to that. He could be mercurial and she was well aware that he could still flip on the relationship and go back to denying there could ever be one.

She wished she had Castiel's years of experience in dealing with Dean. She wished she could know what word or phrase would send him spinning back to denial and disgust. Not even Cas understood completely, as their past troubles had shown, but he had more idea than she did.

Dean glanced at her again, then away. "Oh crap." he said.

"What?" she said.

"You're in your head again, thinking too much, worrying."

"I'm sorry." she said.

"Don't be sorry. It's not you. It's me. I told you, not a good person."

"You're the best person I know."

"You don't know that many people."

"I know Sam. I know Eileen. I know Charlie."

"All three, better people than me." he said.

"I thought seeing Sarah made you feel better about yourself."

"It does. You should have seen me before."

She smiled at him and was relieved that he smiled back. "Maybe you still have a ways to go."

"Ya think?"

"Maybe I can help you get there."

His face became serious. "Don't try to save me, Anael. I'm past all that. What's broken in me can't be fixed. What's corrupted in me can't be cleaned. You bring me a kind of peace and I'm grateful for that, but there are miracles that are beyond even angels."

"I want to try." she said.

"Against impossible odds?"

She smiled again. "Isn't that the Winchester way?" she said