Chapter 78.

Unusually, Dean made it to the front door of the farmhouse before Sarah came out to greet him, but he didn't get as far as knocking. Sarah was brushing flour from her apron. "I knew it!" she said, "I'd know the sound of that engine anywhere."

"Yeah," he said, "She's one of a kind. On the subject of which," he turned to look at Anael behind him, "You remember Anael."

"Of course I do. Welcome to my home, Anael."

"I'm honoured to see it." said Anael, "It's lovely."

"It's ramshackle and old," said Sarah, "But at least we match."

"You will never be old." said Dean, giving her a quick squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.

"It's so good to see you. I was not expecting you to come here today." she said.

"Sam or Cas didn't let you know?" he said.

"Were they supposed to?"

"No." he said, "I thought they might."

"Come in, both of you." said Sarah, "As luck would have it, I happen to be making cookies. So now you know I didn't know, or it would have been pie."

Dean hugged her again. He couldn't help it. All the way there, he had been wondering how to even start the conversation, but faced with so much love and the sweet smell of baking cookies, it felt like he could say anything.

He followed her into the kitchen with a glance back at Anael to check on how she was doing. She was looking all around, taking in the whole place. He knew she was alert, as much to him as to her unfamiliar surroundings. She was waiting for him to lose his nerve and give up on the whole thing and he wished he could be sure he wouldn't.

"Do you drink tea, Anael?" said Sarah.

"Yes." said Anael. Dean wasn't sure she'd ever had it before.

"Tea, Dean?" said Sarah.

"Thanks." he said.

Anael was looking out of the window as Sarah made the tea. She was looking at the hives. "Castiel told me about your bees." she said.

"Oh, he's very close to my girls." said Sarah. She brought the teapot to the table Dean had already put two more cups beside the one she had out for herself. "Always so thoughtful." she said to him, "Please, sit down, you two."

They sat. Sarah looked at Anael. "I'm so glad to finally get a chance to chat with you. I'm afraid Dean has been very slow to bring you here."

"Well, you know why that is." said Dean.

Sarah nodded. "Yes, I know. You didn't want me getting attached and taking her side, or seeing what was going on between you."

He didn't try to deny that. They all knew. He also couldn't forget that she had already heard about their night together, from a hurt and angry Castiel, whose account would not have been favourable. "Yeah, well, things have changed." he said, "I came to tell you that Anael and I are together."

"Oh." said Sarah.

"Just oh?" he said, disappointed that she didn't seem pleased.

A beautiful smile recreased the wrinkles of a lifetime of love. "No, my dear, never just oh, not for you and news like that. Oh, my boy, I hoped this day would come, of course, but I never dared to hope it would be so soon."

He wanted to cry. He had expected a lecture, gentle but firm, about the way he had gone about it and how he had hurt Cas. To be met with sincere joy for his happiness was a surprise. "I know you know I messed up." he said.

"My fault," said Anael. "As I'm sure Castiel has told you."

"If either of you is looking for any blame or condemnation," said Sarah, "It's not going to come from me. I know this isn't easy for either of you. I saw how hard it was for Castiel to understand his feelings for Jules and he had lot more experience of humanity than you do, Anael."

"But I want to be human." said Anael.

"I don't blame you at all." said Sarah.

"It's a problem." said Dean, "She wants it and Jack approves it, but I am one hundred percent against it."

"Yes, that does sound like a problem." said Sarah. She watched his eyes and he felt very sure she was reading all his conflicting emotions on the subject.

"But I didn't come here to ask you to pick a side." he said.

"Good. I don't think I want to do that." she said, "You both have reasons for the way you feel."

"It wasn't her fault, by the way, none of it and I'm pretty sure that's what Cas told you."

Sarah poured the teas and then pushed the sugar bowl over to Dean. He smiled, knowing she could tell that Anael needed to see what he did. He added his sugar and passed the bowl to her and she carefully did as he had done.

Sarah stirred her tea thoughtfully. She put the spoon onto the table and said, "It all sounded rather sudden and romantic to me." she said, "Of course, I knew there was something between you, but you've both lived such solitary lives that maybe you needed something spontaneous to understand how deep the feelings went."

"I hurt Cas." he said.

"You scared Cas. He was afraid for you and for Anael."

"Yes, but …"

"Please, Dean, don't do this. Don't search for things to feel guilty about. I promise, Castiel wants you to be happy and Anael too. If you want to spare him pain, then best way is to be happy together."

"I'm always uneasy when your advice happens to be what I want to do." he admitted.

Her eyes instantly challenged him. "And why is that?" she said, reminding him of days in her study and parlour, talking about his painful past.

"Trauma response," he said, "Avoidance of joy."

She looked at him like a mother witnessing her child's first steps. "Right." she said, "But you're moving past trauma and now you're seeking joy and here is joy." She gestured to Anael. "I have to say, you too look right together."

"Except that the drop dead gorgeous celestial being is way out of my league." he said.

"A healthy attitude for any man to have about his …" She hesitated, "I'm sorry. Do we call her your girlfriend? Partner, perhaps?"

He glanced at Anael, hoping she would not object. "I think girlfriend is fine." he said.

"More than fine." said Anael. He'd have sworn there was a faint blush on her cheeks, but most angels didn't blush.

"Yes, you are." he said.

Sarah's smile only grew. "I love to see you two like this. I've wanted this for you for so long, Dean."

He didn't have to downplay it or add qualifiers and disclaimers. He could, for once, for a moment, just be honestly, easily happy in the presence of his family. "This is so good!" he said, "You know, I even sleep better."

"There's not a feeling in the world like sleeping in the arms of someone who loves you." She said. There was a wistful tone. He felt guilty.

"Sorry," he said, "If this brings up feelings about your loss."

"Those feelings are never gone, my dear, but they hurt a lot less when I see others happy in love." Sarah pushed the plate of cookies over to them. "Don't forget to eat your cookies." She looked at Anael. "I know you don't sleep, but I suspect you feel less lonely now."

"How did you know I was lonely?" said Anael.

"I think angels always are, until they learn to love. Castiel was bitterly lonely."

"But not now." said Dean, "He's got a great life now, with Jules, without giving up who he is."

"I don't want to give up who I am," said Anael, "Just what I was made to be."

He hadn't intended to restart the fight. He backed down. "Yeah, I know. I just mean that Cas has what he always needed, a home, a family. Someone to be with, Someone to love."

"And you've needed all those things too," said Sarah, "Since you were a child."

"I have," he said, "And now it seems I've found them too. I thought it couldn't work, but now I'm starting to think it can and it has to, because I don't think I can give it up." He dared to look into Anael's eyes and said, "I can't give you up."

"Good!" she said. She turned to Sarah, "He told me all about his unmet needs from childhood and I told him about mine, from forever and we've discovered that we somehow meet each other's needs, You're probably going to tell me love's always like that, but to me, it was a revelation."

"Love should be like that." said Sarah, "Sometimes it falls short. That you could even talk about it shows how strong your relationship is and how strong it makes both of you." She looked at Dean and again he felt she was reading his soul. "How does it feel, to be understood at last?"

"It feels like … " he looked at Anael again, then out of the window, where a few bees flew around the flowers, the lateness of the season making little difference to their activity. He searched for a word, found one, questioned it, wondered whether he needed to pick another and then just said it. "It feels like forgiveness, like everything I've done could be fixable after all."

Sarah shook her head, but not in disapproval, merely in disappointment. "Everything you have done includes some wonderful things." she said.

"Half Heaven is besotted with him and he calls himself corrupted." said Anael.

"Half Heaven is corrupt," he said, "Or was."

Sarah answered Anael and not him, but he knew she spoke for his benefit. "The guilt and shame is irrational and unfounded, but very real to him. I've been trying to loose it a little for several years now, but there's a lot of resistance there. However hard he tries, and bless the boy, he does try with all of his heart, letting go is hard for him."

"I've noticed," said Anael, "But I want to help."

"You are helping." he said and was quickly rewarded with another motherly smile. He found himself smiling back. Normally, he would never admit there was a problem, much less that help was needed or effective.

"I need to help more." she said.

"I understand." said Sarah, "We all want to help. Dean, my dear, can I speak frankly?"

"When have I ever asked you not to?" he said.

"It's different with Anael here." she said.

He covered Anael's hand with his own for a second, then drew his away. "No, it isn't. Say anything."

"Very well." She turned to Anael, "You help him whenever you show him love and understanding. You help him when you argue with the litany of self-hate he's reciting silently to himself all the time. He needs to talk more, but it's hard, because he was taught that silence is strength and he has to be strong for everyone around him."

Dean shifted uneasily in his chair. She might be getting a little too frank, but it was weird how good it felt. He didn't feel conspired against. They felt like allies, fighting to save him.

"Are you alright, Dean?" Sarah asked, alert as ever to any sign of discomfort.

He offered a sheepish grin. "Trying to be." he said, "Carry on."

She nodded. "I'm proud of you."

"Now, don't be nice to me!" he said, "This is hard enough."

She smirked. "I'm sorry. I'll try to be a little more dispassionate."

"Thanks."

"Although, inside, I'll still be busting with pride."

"Noted." he said.

"Believe it or not, this is progress." she said to Anael, "He really is working on it. You can help by letting him talk and by supporting him when he finds the courage to talk to others. He's easily discouraged and you need to watch out for that. Humour's a defence for him and that's fine, it can help a lot, but if he gets too flippant and all his jokes are at his own expense, that's a bad sign."

"Sometimes, I hate the way he talks about himself." said Anael.

"So do I." said Sarah with feeling. She looked deep into Anael's eyes and said, "One of the most powerful things you can do is let him help you as you help him. Talk about your own fears, your own needs." She turned to him again. "This beautiful woman needs you as much as you need her and I know you have always found comfort in taking care of others."

"Oh yes," he said, "I really need to help her too. Her past has been worse than mine. Never had a mother, father treated her like a frickin' pawn, brothers and sisters a bunch of fratricidal crazies. I always had Sam to talk to, later Cas and then you. She's had no-one for most of time."

"I don't think my suffering is anything close to yours." said Anael.

"No need to compare and contrast trauma, either of you. You've both suffered alone and now you don't have to. You may never have to again."