Chapter 79.

Anael kept looking out at the beehives. Her interest in them reminded Dean of Castiel and he couldn't help remembering the butterfly house at the zoo. He didn't understand the affinity between angels and insects, but Sarah believed it was beneficial to both and he couldn't disagree.

Sarah's thoughts must have been running along the same lines. She turned to Anael and said, "If you want to go out and introduce yourself to the bees, you go ahead."

"You wouldn't mind?" said Anael.

"They like visitors." she said. Dean noticed her avoidance of the word angel.

Anael glanced at him and he wondered why she cared what he thought and whether that sprang from affection or anxiety. "Go on." he said, "I'll tell Sarah about the college fund."

Anael left the farmhouse, stepping out as unobtrusively as she could when she was a celestial being and pretty much the only thing he could think about. As the door closed behind her, he felt an irrational sense of loss and his eyes lingered on her through the window perhaps more than they should. That Sarah didn't laugh at him felt like an act of charity.

Anael had never seemed more like Castiel, approaching the hives with a reverent air and reaching out one hand to greet the first curious bees. Dean hoped she would find the same peace in their company that Cas always found there.

"College fund?" said Sarah, distracting him.

He gave her his full attention. "For the baby." he explained, "So he or she gets all the choices Sammy never had.

"Or you." said Sarah.

"Dumb as rocks and not interested in sports." he said, "With all the money in the world, education would be wasted on me, but Sammy, he could have been something."

"He is something," she said, "Saviour of the world more than once, along with his overly modest brother."

He laughed at that. "Yeah, not a description anyone else would give me. Most people think my ego is bigger than my car."

"Only people who don't know you." she said.

"Yeah, like I said, most people."

"We've discussed this before," she said, "You've very effectively educated yourself. There's no lack of intelligence in you."

"Well, either too dumb to be worth it or too bright to need it, either way, Sam deserved better. His kid deserves better. That's why I set it up."

"On that, we agree. Don't get me wrong. I love the idea. I love that it came from you. I know what it'll mean to Sam. I know what you're going to mean to that child."

"The kid'll mean a lot to me, too." he said.

"Oh, I know that too. I bless the little one for just existing and bringing such happiness to everyone. I love the child for bringing that light into Eileen's eyes."

He smiled. "Pretty special, huh? She's been through so much. Now she gets to be happy."

"Now we all do." said Sarah.

"As far as I'm concerned, the kid gets whatever he or she wants. That includes the Impala."

"Really?" she said.

"It's not like I'll have any kids to inherit her and never tell Sam this, but he has almost as much claim on her as I do. This way, she'll go to a Winchester."

"When you die?"

"Maybe, or maybe just when the kid's old enough to drive her. Dad gave her to me long before he died." He looked outside. Bees were swirling around Anael. Again, he noticed the sunlight on her hair, a golden light meeting copper.

"She's very beautiful, my dear." said Sarah.

He nodded, not taking his eyes off her. He could only see the side of her face, but he saw the look of wonder. However much she hated being an angel, she was, whether she knew it or not, enjoying one of the perks.

"Where do you stand, on the Winchester Scale of I Don't Deserve This?" she said.

He smiled. "You know me too well."

"Well enough to push for an answer, which that wasn't."

"I tried not to even want this. All that time I was keeping her away from you, I was trying to convince myself there was nothing between us but a shared love of pissing each other off. This was never something I planned and even after it happened, I tried to undo it, for both our sakes." He stopped talking. He sounded like he didn't care or want to care. She'd already heard from Cas how heartless he had been. " I know how bad this sounds." he said.

"It sounds as if you were able to overcome your fears."

"No, I wasn't. I just … " He looked outside again. She was circling the hives slowly, a look of joy on her face. "When I said we had to keep it platonic, she agreed. We both tried. Then she came up with this idea that we could keep it platonic, but maybe hold each other at night. I mean, it was crazy to think that was a good idea."

"It was a beautiful idea."

"Yes, but not wise. Don't get me wrong, it felt great. It helped both of us, but maybe a bit of passion would have let us get the chemistry out of the way and move on. Just lying there, talking, things got deep, emotional."

"You fell in love."

"I think maybe I was already there. I just think I could have stayed in denial if we hadn't gotten that close."

"And would that really be better?" she said.

"Easier." he said.

"Not better?"

"I'm gonna be honest here, nothing could be better than this. I have this incredible … " he hesitated over the word woman, "Person in my life." he said, "She's fun and she's clever and she's hotter than the sun and she loves me. I never really had that before."

"And she makes you happy." said Sarah.

"Yeah. Never had that before, either. I know my past record on this stuff isn't good. I know screwing this up is pretty much inevitable. Common sense, common decency says I should cut her loose, let her go, because she deserves … anyone who isn't me."

Sarah looked pained. Negative talk about himself always seemed to hurt her. "The way she looks at you … " she said.

"I know, but that's because she doesn't know me. She doesn't know people. Angels are terrible judges of character. Sometimes I think I'm just taking advantage of that."

"You say I know you too well."

"But I like that," he said quickly, "I like having someone who understands me."

"Point is," said Sarah, "That the one who understands you loves you just as much as she does, just in a different way." It didn't feel like even a veiled agreement that he had behaved badly.

"I feel like I'm not the best choice for her."

"Do you think you're the best choice for anyone?"

"Probably not." he admitted. He felt she was waiting for more. "Especially not for her. She's an angel and I'm not. That's not her body. I mean, she's not even a she." He recited the arguments he'd used to try to convince himself there could be nothing between them, but they didn't even sound that convincing to him now. He half expected her to say the obvious answer was to encourage Anael to become human. She didn't.

"Castiel is in a vessel too." she said.

"It's different."

"Because you've known him longer or because his vessel is male, so you feel no attraction?"

"Jimmy was willing."

"We both know very few angel vessels know what they're signing up for. Both Jimmy and her vessel's original owner are dead."

"What difference does that make? It only makes this weirder."

"Weirder than three in a bed?" she said.

"I can't explain." he said.

To her surprise, she let him get away with that. "Then I won't ask you to. You said nothing could be better than this. Even with all the doubts and confusion?"

He looked outside. A cloud of bees surrounded her. The thought of ever not having her in his life was a painful one. "I need her." he said.

"She needs you. That's obvious."

"But the things I've done … Everything wrong about me … "

"As an angel, doesn't she know it all?"

"All or most of it, I guess, which means I can never put it behind me." he said.

"Would you get that next batch of cookies out of the oven?" she said.

He got up to obey. Opening the oven door, he was hit in the face by a blast of hot air that dried the tears he had not known were in his eyes. He donned the oven gloves and put two trays of cookies to cool. When he sat down again, she said, "Thankyou, my dear."

"Anytime." he said.

"Seems to me your problem with Anael is the same one you have with Sam and Castiel and me." she said.

"I have no problem with you." he said.

"We know you and we love you, so you think our judgement must be off, because no matter how hard we try, we can never get you to love yourself."

"It's not easy." he said.

"How hard are you trying?"

He didn't answer that. He couldn't.

"I'm not trying to give you a hard time." He said, "The opposite, actually. I'm proud of you. All the patterns of the past have been yelling at you that you can't have this and shouldn't want it and it's fine that you can't help feeling that way a little, but you've pushed past that and you've given this thing a chance and from what I can see, you're in a healthy, successful and mutually supportive relationship with a lovely girl."

He nodded, not sure enough of his voice to speak.

"Doubts are normal. Fears are normal. It's all very understandable and the fact that she's an angel rakes up some thoughts and feelings you find difficult, but you're still in the game. You didn't fold and you're playing your hand like a champ."

"Whatever doubts I have, I want this to work." he said. His voice shook a little.

"It does seem to be working." she said.

"I mean, I don't even know what this makes her or me or us."

"Complicated, perhaps." she said sympathetically.

"Yeah, understatement. Is it right, is it wrong? Am I who I thought I was?"

"Maybe you're who the rest of us thought you were and that's why she loves you."

"She does love me." he said, "At first I wasn't sure, but I am now."

"So am I. Most importantly, so is she."

"And I love her. To be honest, I didn't think I could still love like this. Not sure I ever came close before."

"When you said I could talk freely in front of Anael, that surprised me."

"Yeah right there with you, but it just feels right, you know?"

"Yes, I do."

"I know Cas will have said … "

"Castiel knows his reaction was based in fear and insecurity. He retracted most of what he'd said very quickly."

"He did?"

"Dean, Castiel can't bear to see you suffer more pain. I had to help him to understand that sabotaging any possible relationship isn't going to help you avoid pain."

"It might have protected Anael. I mean, being with a Winchester is rarely very painless."

"Which is why it's good you picked an angel."

"They're not stronger than us. They're much more vulnerable." he said, "Look how often Cas has been broken."

"Neither stronger nor weaker. We have different strengths and weaknesses, but angels seem to have what it takes to love you as you need to be loved."

"Not sure I'd say need," he said, "What you've never had, you don't miss."

"You were doing so well." she said with a rueful little smile.

He shrugged. "Not easy to change at my time of life."

"I'm the one over ninety." she said.

He shrugged again.

"Can I trust you with the cookies while I go out there and talk to Anael?" she said.

"I wouldn't trust me with your cookies." he said.

"They need to cool a little longer." she said.

"Go on," he said, "I promise I won't steal more than three."

"Three?"

"Four, tops." he said.

She smiled. "Just don't give yourself indigestion." She stood and headed for the door.

"Hey, Sarah." he said.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Big me up a bit." he said, nodding to Anael.

"Not sure I need to, but you know my opinion of you." she said.

He laughed quietly. "I love you, Sarah."