Chapter 80.

Anael was beginning to understand Castiel's near obsession with insects. The butterflies at the zoo and Sarah's bees were friendly and their auras were soothing. They were reaching out to her, explaining their pattern and path, offering a love that felt like pure compassion.

The different kinds of love were something of a revelation to her. Since coming to Earth, she had discovered the many way in which nature connected to nature, but human love had been more of a mystery. Jo's love for her husband had led to the sacrifice of her body to Anael, yet her own love for Dean made her determined to keep that body forever. The love of siblings, whether by blood or adoption, was a powerful thing and in addition to seeing it between Dean and his family, she had experienced it for herself, with Eileen and Sam and Jules and Charlie all treating her like a sister.

Family love was even greater than it had seemed to her when she was observing it from a distance, longing to know how it felt. Dean kept a photograph by his bedside, showing him with his mother when he was a child. Often, as he slept, she found herself looking at that photograph, at the face of a woman she didn't know, but felt she did. She looked at the camera with such love and pride, holding the child she adored.

Anael could feel it in him, sometimes, under all the layers of pain and grief and guilt, that strong faith in love that Mary Winchester had taught him. He treasured the picture for a reason, because he clung to that wisp of memory with all of his strength. It was, it seemed to her, the foundation of his strength. The courage to face down gods and derail apocalypses and love his brothers no matter what they did came from the four brief years when he had known only love.

She saw the door of the farmhouse open and Sarah came out to join her. Sarah's love extended to her too. The woman seemed able to love anyone like family. Dean had feared she would get attached to Anael, when he didn't want to and Anael had been afraid that she would advise against her and he would listen.

"The bees like you." said Sarah.

"I like them." she said, "I get why Castiel loves them."

"You're very welcome to come here anytime, with or without Dean, to see me or the bees."

"You're very kind, Sarah." said Anael, "It's so good of you to share this place with so many people and non-people, like angels."

"you and Castiel are people to me." said Sarah, "More than that, you're family. I never knew, when I invited that lost soul in to talk, that I was acquiring a large, loving family."

"Cas didn't have a soul."

"But he does now. And you'll get yourself one too, either from Jack making you human or loving a human, as Castiel did. There's a lot human about you already."

"I don't know if you know it, but that feels like a big compliment to me." said Anael.

"It's meant as one." Sarah assured her.

I try to be as human as possible, around Dean in particular, but he seems to hate it when I try and hate it when I fail."

"Don't mistake old and deep wounds for hostility to you, my dear. Dean himself doesn't fully understand the depth of those wounds and it's very hard for him to limit their influence over him. He does try, though. He tries all the time. I know he never intends to hurt you."

"I can take it," she said, "But I hate knowing I'm hurting him. Everything I am or want to be seem to trigger something painful in him."

"And it would be the same whoever he was with."

"Not with a human." she said, trying not to sound resentful.

"Oh yes, humans too. The weight of trauma Dean carries is greater than you or I can imagine or understand. That he is willing to engage with anyone, in any way, at any level is testament to his courage." She glanced bac to the house. "He and Sam are the strongest people I've ever met."

"If it hurts him so much, maybe this shouldn't happen." Anael looked through the window. Dean was still at the table, eating a cookie. He saw her looking and gave her a smile. The thought of walking away was painful.

"Everything hurts him," said Sarah, "Even Sam and Eileen having a child reminds him of his mother and his childhood that wasn't any kind of childhood. Sometimes, in healing a wound, we have to reopen it and he knows that and as you've seen, he's willing to face that."

"I don't want to end this, but if it has to happen … "

"No, it doesn't." said Sarah, "I know you want to keep him from pain, but most of the pain in his life comes from trying to handle everything alone. He's afraid and so are you, but you want to be together. Don't let your fear prevent that."

"If the baby reminds him of unhappy things, should I avoid talking about all that in front of him?"

"No. He's very happy about the baby and talking about good things in the future stops him from sinking into fatalism and despair. At stressful times, Dean can spiral into that way of thinking very fast and people around him won't even notice. Never hesitate to remind him there are good things ahead. The baby is good news for all the Winchesters and that dear soul cares for family above everything."

"That's good. I was thinking I could have hurt him without knowing. I'm a dumb, stupid angel and I get so excited about the baby, I don't think about things like that."

Sarah's smile made her feel much better. "Do you like children?"

"I don't really know any, but the idea is beautiful. Humans all start out as a helpless, little creature and if you show them enough love, even just for a short time, they become someone like Dean."

"He would say that's not a good thing to be."

Anael was shocked to hear that from Sarah. "Do you agree?" she said.

"I categorically do not." said Sarah, "You're right. Those four years of unconditional love that he did get made him who he is and he is a good man. Eileen's little one will have a much longer childhood, I hope."

"I know I'm no expert," said Anael, "But I think Eileen is a good mother. She loves her baby already."

"I think you are an expert." said Sarah, "Sometimes, we know best what we've lived without, but longed for. It's hard for me to imagine your life. I've known people who've had hard childhoods, Cruel ones, neglectful ones, orphans, like Dean and Sam, runaways with good reason to run, but you never had any kind of childhood. You didn't lose your mother, you ever had one."

"No." said Anael.

"And God doesn't seem to have been much of a father. Lots of arbitrary rules, heaps of judgement, but no hugs and no praise."

"No, praise was really a one-way thing." Anael admitted.

"Which is why you say, 'dumb, stupid angel' so easily." said Sarah, "Words which are banned in this house, by the way."

"I'm sorry." said Anael, mortified to have caused offence.

Again, Sarah smiled. "I mean I don't want you and Castiel talking of yourselves that way. Just like Dean, you speak of yourselves in ways that harm you."

"Dean says the self-same things about me."

"I know and I'm trying to stop him doing that too, because he doesn't mean it. Think about it. There is no-one he loves more than Castiel and Sam. He says the same things about Castiel. If he really thought those things of either of you, he wouldn't love you like he does. Dean's mouth is a defence, not a judgement. He says things to drive people away. The more he feels he needs them, the more he lashes out."

"But you said he wants this."

"He does. The cruel words are not from his heart. They're from his fears. As soon as they're spoken, he hates himself. The self-sabotage is involuntary and he's fighting against it, but as I said, his wounds are deep and he can't always control what they make him feel or say."

"He told me he's been lonely all his life." said Anael, hating the thought that a part of his own mind seemed determined to keep him that way.

"And that's good." said Sarah.

"How is that good?"

"Because telling you that is a huge step for him. He trusts you. It's hard for Dean to open up. Even Sam and I struggle to convince him that he can. Somehow, with you, he can. I don't think you know how good your relationship is."

"I know that it's important to me. Sometimes, in the night, he says things that I don't think he'd ever say in the daylight. Sometimes, we don't even need words. We just lie there, holding each other. You're right, I never used to get hugs. When he hugs me, I feel like all the pain and emptiness drain out of me. He says he loves me. I know that's not something he says lightly."

"No, it isn't." said Sarah.

"I hope it's right that I say it back to him. I want him to feel the same way I do when he says it to me, but I know that human emotions are complicated and I know he wouldn't tell me if that's another thing that hurts him."

"No, child, it's the right thing to do. He needs to hear it every bit as much as you do and I'm so glad you feel able to say it to him. The fact that he can say it to you is wonderful. It's taken him a long time to get there."

"He thinks I don't know what love is. At first, he even said angels can't love. Now, I think he believes me, but I know things would be easier if I were a human. I don't mean changing now will help. It may be what splits us up forever. I mean that if he had never known me as anything but a human, he'd believe I could love as he does."

"There's no guarantee of that, with Dean. He even doubts that Sam loves him sometimes."

"He's right that I don't understand love. There are so many kinds and levels of love and trying to figure them out ties my mind in knots. I must seem so stupid to you. I can count the atoms in a star with a single glance, but I can't work out how love works."

"But you know that it does." said Sarah.

"Yes and I know I never want to live without it again."

Sarah picked a pink rose from one of the shrubs and gave it to her. "I'll tell you a secret, Anael," she said, "Even philosophers don't understand love. Dean certainly struggles with it, but love doesn't need to be understood. It needs to be lived and I know you're capable of that."