Chapter 85.

Dean watched his father pour them each another glass of whisky. The way his hand clasped the bottle, the ease with which he poured out the same measure each time reminded Dean of dark times in motels, pretending to be asleep, but watching his dad collapse in on himself. So many nights, he had heard the muffled sobs and even now, he couldn't admit he had ever heard them, or that he had cried more for his father than for himself when he let himself cry.

John pushed his glass over to him. "You okay, Dean?"

"Yeah, fine." said Dean. They both looked worried. He knew he had to say more. "Old stuff," he said, "Just old stuff."

John shook his head. "There's too much of that for you boys. You've suffered too much and all because of me."

"I made the first demon deal." said Mary.

"Yeah, to save me."

"It was Chuck's fault, God's fault." said Dean, "Let's all hate him and forgive ourselves, huh?"

"Good idea." said Mary.

"And the past wasn't always so bad. I took Anael to a zoo and I remembered, you two took me to one once."

"You remember that?" said Mary, "You could only have been about three."

"I forgot for a long time, but then, being at the zoo again, I remembered. It was a good day."

"When was that?" said John.

"Mom was pregnant with Sam."

John grinned. "Now I remember! I got freaked out when you had that camel ride."

"Dean wanted to ride a camel."

"However bad it was, we had our good times." said Dean.

"You been thinking about the past a lot?" said John.

"Sometimes." said Dean.

"That's a little worrying."

"Yeah, me thinking always worries Sam too. I think he's afraid my brain will burn out."

"Dean, don't joke about it. I'm serious. Even when you were a kid …" John went quiet. He'd never been any good with that stuff.

"I'm okay, Dad, honestly." said Dean. The faster he said it, the easier things would be. First lesson of his messed up childhood.

"You always went inside your own head. I could never get you to talk about anything. I'll admit, I should have tried harder. Maybe it's too late."

"Not too late, just unnecessary. I figured things out for myself."

"First thing being that you couldn't rely on me." said John.

"I always relied on you. Still do." said Dean, "Look, the past doesn't matter now. We all have a great future to look forward to. Sam's having a kid, I'm with Anael, you two are happy in Heaven. The Winchesters win in the end. Isn't that all that ever mattered?"

"I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not." said John.

"What are your plans for the future?" said Mary, "Regarding Anael, I mean."

"I have to be careful there," he said, "Because she's been through a lot. Life as an angel is hard. Life has a rebellious angel is worse."

"In what way rebellious?" said John, "We talking Lucifer level?"

"More like Sam. What her father wanted, she didn't, but Chuck was even less reasonable than you. She had to toe the line until the fall."

"The fall? Which fall?"

"When all the angels were cast out of Heaven. Tough time, especially for Cas, so never ask him about it. Someday I'll tell you the whole story."

"Were we in Heaven at the time?" said Mary.

"Yeah, but the holodeck version, so nobody noticed a thing. Anyway, after the fall, she settled into human society. She likes it a lot more than most angels do. She loves shopping, likes being around people. I think she may be happy to stick around for a long time and that's as much as I can hope for."

"Maybe Jack could …" John began.

"No, I like her as she is. I just don't wanna put any pressure on her. She's still learning about things. For now, I figure my job is to help her."

"That's fair enough." said Mary.

"Absolutely." said John, "Proud of you for being so considerate."

"I try to be." said Dean, "On the subject of which, I've set up a college fund for Sam's kid."

John looked at him for a long time with an unreadable expression. Then he smiled a little. "Yeah, you never agreed with me about Sammy, did you?"

"I did at the time. I still understand your point of view, but he had a chance at a normal life. He was right to take it."

"You still think you were right to try to stop Sam from going to college?" said Mary.

"You been tattling to your mother, boy?" said John.

"No," said Mary, "Dean never said a word against you, but I read the books."

"I think I need to read these books." said John.

"I don't recommend them." said Dean.

"Answer the question." Mary insisted.

John sighed. "You know I love that kid more than my life, both kids, but I honestly thought it was the right thing to do."

"I know," she said, "But do you still think that?"

"Now, I think I screwed up their lives in every possible way and I think I should have sent them both off to college. It probably wouldn't have stopped them getting pulled back into everything, but it would have given them a chance and one less reason to hate me."

"Neither of us hates you." said Dean.

"I know, but that's more about you than me." said John.

"Even in the worst times, Sam never stopped loving you. He just didn't know you loved him, but I did, always."

"Did you also know I loved you?"

"Most of the time, yeah."

John turned to Mary. "I wasn't a good father, I know that."

"You died to save your son." said Dean, "You lived for us too. Everything you did, you did for us. I won't ever forget that."

"Dean's right." said Mary, "You made mistakes, but you were never a bad father."

"As a father and a husband, I was nowhere near as good as Sam and Dean will be."

"Hey, I'm never gonna be either." said Dean, "Sam's a special case. The best Winchester."

"True," said Mary, "Only Dean could ever be like Sam."

"Well, I know where it comes from." said John.

"Not my side," said Mary, "My Dad was hopeless."

"Well, I'm glad you did that for Sam's kid." said John, "Sam knows about it, correct? Because, knowing you did that is gonna mean a lot to him."

"Yeah, he knows." said Dean, "What made you think I didn't agree with you about Sam?"

"The way you'd roll your eyes when he and I argued, the way you were always trying to make me see his point of view. I knew you weren't happy with all the conflict."

"I wish you'd seen how hard I tried to make him see yours." said Dean.

"You were holding this family together when you were four." said John, "Always the peacemaker, always the voice of reason. I should have listened to you a lot more."

"There's fierce competition for the title of best Winchester." said Mary.

"Yeah," said John, "And I'm not in the running."

"Hey, everything I am, you made me." said Dean, "Except the bad stuff. That's all my own work."

"No, Dean." said Mary, "Don't ever say there's anything bad in you."

"Now you sound like Anael." he said, "She's always saying I'm too hard on myself."

"I'm liking her more and more." said John.

"Me too." said Mary.

"That's good," said Dean, "Because I'm really hoping she's a permanent part of my life now."

"But you haven't told her that," said Mary, "Because of the no pressure thing?"

"Because of a lot of things."

"Does she know you love her?" said John.

"I tell her so all the time."

"Good. You keep doing that. You're far more likely to regret not saying it. I regret every time I didn't tell your mother."

"You told me a lot." she said.

"Not enough, not as many as I would if I'd known we had so little time. I mean, we spent like six months arguing over nothing."

"We had a small baby and very little sleep."

"True. Sam didn't give us a lot of peace."

"Knew it!" said Dean, "It was Sammy's fault."

"Don't you ever say that to him." said John, "You weren't exactly an easy baby either."

"How bad was I?" said Dean, ready to take on another load of guilt.

"You weren't." said Mary, "You were adorable and so was Sam." She chuckled. "I'd pick you up and you'd just burrow into my arms and fall asleep. I used to love that. You were such a hugger and then … "

"Then?" he prompted.

"When I came back, things were so different. You were so closed off and distant. I know it was my fault, but … "

"No. It was mine." he said.

"No. None of it was you." She visibly made an effort to be more positive. "We figured it out. By the time I … left again, you were my Dean again. I'm so grateful for that."

"It was my fault." said John, "The way I raised him."

"You raised me to save the world, Dad. No regrets, okay. If I hadn't been the person you made me, I never could have done it and Sam and I would be long dead, permanently dead. Our family has had some terrible times, but we're still here and still a family. That has to count for something."

"That's everything." said Mary.

"I want you to promise me something." said John.

"You're gonna have to specify, because I've been burned before." said Dean.

"Make this thing with Anael work. You've done everything the family and the world could ever ask of you. This time, prioritise your own best interests. I need you to be happy."

His throat felt dry and his face hot. He tried to discreetly dismiss the tears that assembled in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice cracked a little. "I will, Dad, I promise."

Mary stood, put her hands on his shoulders and kissed his forehead. "Be sure you do. You deserve a good life. You always did."

"I honestly can't claim I've had a bad one. It hasn't been easy, but there was a lot of good in with the bad."

She stroked his cheek. "Only good, from now on." she said, "I hope you and Anael will be together forever."

"Sounds good to me. "