Chapter 88.

Dean retired to the Dean Cave to watch Caddyshack and was about halfway through when Cas tapped on the door and said, "May I come in?"

"Of course you can." said Dean

"We're home." said Cas, closing the door behind him. He sat in the next seat.

"Apparently." said Dean, "Bobby with you?"

"No. He said now that he's free to move about, he wants to take a look at the work the other Bobby did on Sarah's hen house, so he's driving there. It's good that he and Sarah are getting acquainted."

Dean turned to look at him. He needed harmony, always had. He wanted everyone he loved to be on good terms with everyone else. It was his nature, but the need became stronger when he felt insecure or uncertain.

"Things are going great right now." he said.

Cas smiled. "Jack's in his Heaven, all's right with the world."

"Sarah loves Anael." said Dean, then wondered if that would sound like a defence of their relationship and thus an accusation.

Cas looked into his eyes with unnecessary intensity. He said nothing.

"What I mean is, things are good there, too. I wasn't suggesting you didn't like her."

"You know I like her."

"Yes, exactly."

"So why would you expect me to think that?" said Cas.

Dean tried to fake a relaxed chuckle and Cas frowned in concern. Honesty seemed the best choice. "I just worry about you. About us. I don't ever wanna hurt you or damage our friendship by being with Anael."

"We've been through this."

"Yeah, that's kinda why I'm worried. Then there's talking to Dad. That always gets me messed up. Feels almost inevitable that loving her is gonna lose me somebody else and it can't be you. Honestly, I'd rather it was Dad."

Again, Cas stared at him in silence.

"But we've been through it and it's fine, right?" said Dean.

"I've said it is." said Cas.

"I know you have and I believe you, but I've believed angels were watching over me before."

"Two of us now," said Cas, "Plus as many as Jack can spare at any given time."

Now the chuckle was genuine. "I was speaking figuratively, dumbass. Mom always said it. She said a lot of things and then she died and all the promises turned out to be lies."

"Not by any choice of hers." said Cas.

"No, I know. I'm a dumbass too."

"Loss becomes a habit," said Cas, "Until every gain feels like a loss waiting to happen."

"Pretty much." said Dean, "I assume Anael and Eileen aren't back yet."

"No, not yet. Would you like me to ask them to return?"

"No! They're allowed a life of their own, Cas."

"I thought maybe you needed to see Anael."

"I will never not need to see her, but chicks don't dig clingy, needy guys."

"Not how I would describe you."

"You've never dated me."

"True. I don't think it's bad to need someone. I need Jules all the time."

"Yeah, I need to ask you about that."

"About what?"

"Angels and what they need. Obviously, she doesn't sleep and she also doesn't wander the bunker at night while I'm sleeping. She just stays with me."

"Yes, I know." said Cas.

"Well, she says she's okay with that, says she doesn't get bored watching me sleep, but I don't know if I believe that."

Cas nodded. "Believe it. You've never really understood it, I know, but watching humans is never boring. You're beautiful creatures, especially when you sleep. I've always loved watching you sleep and I promise, it is many orders of magnitude better when you know that the human you're watching will wake with a loving word or look."

"Not sure how good I am with loving words or looks." said Dean, "pretty bad at the whole relationship thing, really."

"It doesn't matter. She's an angel. She won't notice."

"She will. She does. I hurt her a lot more than I want to." He looked at Cas and remembered years of saying the worst possible thing. "I hurt you more than I want to, too. I am not good for angels."

"You've been good for this one." said Cas, "Whatever's good in me, I owe to you."

"No." said Dean.

"Yes. Absolutely true. You're good for Anael, too. I made you doubt that, but even I don't doubt it now."

"I didn't need you to make me doubt it." said Dean.

"No, you never have." said Cas sadly.

"I need to be better. She deserves the best."

"You are the best." said Cas.

"She gets the overload thing you get and I know what to do, but I don't know how she feels about it. How do you feel about it?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I doubt she does. When overloaded, we shut down."

"How about after. Is it scary?"

"A little. It can be unsettling, but there's something else."

"What?" said Dean.

"For a creature eternally alone, to feel a connection that intense and to have your lover reach out to you in love and concern … that's beautiful. Some of the sweetest moments with Jules have been as I lay, helpless and mindblown as she showed me tenderness and understanding."

"I hope I've been doing that for Anael." said Dean.

"I know you have. You don't see it, but you always know what to do and say to help those around you."

"I think you're mistaking me for the other Winchester, a foot taller and a whole heap kinder."

Cas laughed softly. "I think you know that I would know you from any other soul on Earth."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, that's true."

"Overload is intense, but if it scared her too much, she'd just leave. We angels are cowards."

"No you're not. Most of them, maybe, but not you and not Anael. You were both strong enough to break with Heaven."

"There's a common factor there you're forgetting." said Cas.

"No, she made her choice long before she met me."

"You don't know what you are to angels, do you? In changing me, you changed all of us. In showing me free will, you taught us all that it was possible. Any angel that has broken free did it because of you."

"For good or ill." said Dean.

"Well, for Anael, it has brought her to love."

"It's brought her to love me." said Dean.

"Which is a good thing."

"Twice in the Empty, twice exploded like chunky soup, tortured, exiled, despised by your own kind. You of all people know what loving me means."

"And about that, I have no regrets. Not something I can say of all my choices. " Cas watched the movie for a few moments and then said, "Why do you like this so much?"

"You never understood comedy."

"Or golf."

"Anael has a sense of humour." said Dean,

"Does she like Caddyshack?"

"I don't think she's ever seen it."

"Does she play golf?"

"Not to my knowledge."

Castiel smiled. He was enjoying this way too much.

"Okay, she'd probably hate it, but I still like it."

"So do I, purely because it gives you pleasure."

Dean wasn't sure how to respond to that. He knew Cas was sincere and he appreciated it, but it still felt strange and wrong that people cared about him like that.

"I've made you uncomfortable." said Cas.

"A little." Dean admitted.

"Not my intention."

"I know, Cas. You know how it is."

"Yes, I understand. How about Anael? Is it as hard for her to express affection to you without triggering all your … "

"I try to keep a lid on it around her."

"So that would be a yes."

"I'm working on it."

Cas grinned.

"What?" said Dean.

"It must be love."