Chapter 89.

Jules had offered to help with the inventory. Sam had finished the refrigerator and now they were in the armoury, checking the ammunition. "How are you doing, Sam?" she asked.

"Me?" said Sam, "I'm doing great."

"Bobby said you seemed a little quiet."

"He means in comparison to Dean. I'm fine."

"I hate that word."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I know. We all do. This time, though, it's the truth. You know why? Sometime in the next few hours, my wife is gonna come back from her shopping trip and tell me about all the fun she had with her friend. Nobody's gonna be bleeding, nobody's gonna be dead. Good things happen more than bad now and that's really everything I ever wanted."

Her smile was understanding. "You've never asked a lot from life, have you, Sam?"

"In our lives, that is asking a lot."

"I love seeing Eileen so excited for the future, so happy about the baby."

"Yeah, I do too." he said.

"Of course, I envy her a little too. Cas won't even consider kids."

"The human mothers of Nephilim die."

"Not always. He mentioned one whose mother was still alive."

"I still don't think he wants to take a chance. Maybe Jack could make him temporarily human, long enough for him to father a human child."

"Trouble is, he said turning Anael human should be considered a permanent decision. I don't want Cas to end up permanently human. No, if childlessness is the price of being with Cas, I can live with it. It just sometimes hurts a little, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it. Of course, my kid will need all the love they can get, so you feel free to be a very hands-on aunt."

"Am I technically an aunt?" she said. There were disadvantages to Castiel's aversion to marriage.

"Yes, you are." he said, "Look, meaningless documents aside, you're my brother's wife and that makes you the Huntling's aunt. That's how Eileen sees it too."

"When I came through that rift, I thought I was leaving home, but I wasn't. There was nothing over there like what I have here." she said.

"We're all very glad you chose us over them."

"Wasn't really a choice. I fell harder than Cas ever did. Only time I ever regretted it was when he left me because of that Empty deal. I don't know which was worse, when I thought he didn't love me or when I found out why he really ditched me."

"That was a train wreck." said Sam.

"His motivations were good. He was trying, in his own insane way, to protect me. I think he really thought I could forget him and move on."

"Yeah, it seems he was sure Dean and I wouldn't miss him too much either. Then, when the deal came due, I nearly lost both of them, again. If Cas hadn't come back, Dean would've … "

"Don't think about that. It's my fault. I should never mention those times."

"We can talk about it now, because that's in the past. Cas came back. Dean's safe." He felt himself smile. "Better than safe. For maybe the first time in his life, definitely the first time I can remember, Dean is happy."

"Looks good on him, right?" she said.

"Looks great." he agreed, "Is it weird that I just love seeing them together?"

"If it is, Cas and I are weird too. We love seeing you and Eileen together too. I love how everyone just fits in around here. The parameters might be unusual and nobody would believe the true story of how it all came about, but this is a family and there's so much love here."

"There is." he said.

"Cas feels it too and you know how much love he needs."

"We're trying to make him feel loved." said Sam.

"Succeeding. Here, in his family, he's found true peace. So have I and so has Dean. I think … I hope you and Eileen have too."

"I get night terrors every couple of weeks now, not most nights." he said

"Same for me. I never thought I'd reach that point. Life here is good. We all have hope now. What shocks me most is how long I survived without it."

"I know what you mean." he said.

"Dean told me you kinda radiate hope for everyone else."

"Dean said that?"

"When you were in New Mexico. He gets chatty after supper. Talks about how the two of you grew up, about how you were always his strength."

"Well, he has that bass ackwards." he said.

"He says the same whenever you say anything good about him. You both have issues with self-esteem."

"Honestly, we have issues with just about everything."

"There are good reasons for that. I was a lot older than you two were when you joined the fight. Look what a mess I became."

"I think you turned out great." said Sam.

"There you go again, providing positivity for the rest of us. Your kid's gonna love that about you."

"The most important thing is not to become my Dad. I mean, I love the guy, but he wasn't always the best at being supportive. I want the Huntling to grow up knowing I'll always be there and I'll back their play, not try to make rules for them all the time."

"I don't get John vibes from you. You're more of a Bobby, but gentler. I think you'll be great."

"I tell the kid every day, I love him or her. I know it's too early. I know the Huntling can't hear me … "

"Doesn't matter. Love is felt, more than heard. I'm sure your baby feels loved."

"I hope so."

"And Eileen knows you love her and the baby. That's important."

Sam laughed softly. "I think maybe that's the biggest thing the past has taught us. We both know, this stuff needs to be said, however obvious it seems to be. Anything could happen, at any time and I nee her to know that she's everything to me." He laughed again. "Still no good at saying it to Dean, but then, he's very good at deflecting it. He's still scared of being loved, by anyone."

"Except Anael, maybe." she said.

"Maybe. And look how that's changing things for him. Just letting someone in, letting them express love for him, that's making a difference to his life. I hope this is where he learns to accept some affection. Maybe one day, he and I can both say how we feel about each other without the world having to end first."

"I think he knows how you feel about him."

"He should, by now." he said.

"And you know he loves you more than his life, because everything he's ever done proves it."

"True, but I wish he could say the words."

"I know. Winchesters are hard work, aren't they?"

"What's this 'they' crap, Jules?" he said grinning, "You're a Winchester too, aren't you?"

"I think I am," she said, "And I'm as bad as the rest."

"And as frickin' awesome. Ask Castiel."

"For a comparison with you and Dean? Not sure I'm that brave, Sam."

"He loves you more."

"I really don't think he does, but that's fine. Without you two, he'd be nothing. Well, nothing like he is. I wouldn't be in his life if you hadn't been there first. You taught him how to love. You made him believe in people. I know you helped him to understand his feelings for me."

"He'd have figured it out eventually." said Sam.

"Glad I didn't have to find out."

Sam's phone chirped and he checked the text. "Home in 20 minutes. Bringing pizza."

"I wish my wife would stop flirting with my brother." he said, showing her the screen.

She grinned. "She's bringing pizza, Sam. She's flirting with all of us. And if there's bacon on it, I'm hers."