Chapter 90.

"There's something I need to know." said Dean, turning off the TV.

"What's that?" said Cas.

"I know you may not know the answer. Hell, I don't even know if I could answer it for myself, but I wondered if you feel, as an angel, that your relationship is forever."

"With you ot with Jules?" said Cas.

"With Jules. I know Jack said he won't force you to be parted, but does it feel like you'll never grow apart?"

"You expect us to grow apart?" said Cas and the pain in his eyes struck at Dean's conscience.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to suggest that. I shouldn't ask this stuff."

"No, we're brothers. We should be able to discuss anything. But it hurts a little when you seem to disapprove of my relationship."

"I don't. I don't. That's not what I'm saying. For what it's worth, I'd bet on you two against most of the couples I've known. I'm sorry. I withdraw the question."

"Don't," said Cas, "Because it's not about me, is it? You think, because she's an angel, she can't love you forever and what that says about me … well, we can just call that collateral damage."

"I don't see it that way. I see it as a wound I didn't need to inflict." Dean looked at the wall, almost wishing that Cas would get angry with him. "Just like every other wound I inflicted on you."

"You said you didn't know if you could answer the question for yourself, so this isn't about angels."

"Maybe not," Dean admitted, "But it feels to me like her being an angel just makes it a million times more likely that she'll get bored and move on."

"I calculate it differently."

"Probably."

"And more accurately."

"Possibly."

"Caution comes naturally to us."

"Another reason for her to avoid me." He glanced at Cas, whose frown deterred him from continuing that thought.

"My point is that we don't give or withdraw our allegiance lightly."

"She walked into my shower, dude."

"It wasn't her first move, or yours."

"Meaning?"

"I was in love with Jules a long time before we kissed at my birthday party. Similarly, you and Anael were in love before she entered your shower and gave you an opportunity to act on it."

"I get what your saying, but by doing that, he showed her hand and maybe she shouldn't have done it."

"You're sorry she did?" said Cas.

"No."

"No. You weren't about to show yours. She was braver than you."

"Or dumber."

"We both know that's not true."

"She's waited her whole life to find love and now she picks me. How can I be enough for an angel? How can I be worth that?"

Cas shook his head. "It's not the angel stuff at all. It's just you, hating yourself forever."

"It's not. I'm not. I don't." He sounded unsure, even to himself. He needed a better argument than flat denial, but he had none. Cas knew as well as he did the wounded child in his head, always ready for the next rejection. "I know what you think." he said.

"What I know." Cas corrected.

"What you know." Dean conceded, "But whether she comes to her senses or I sabotage this, it can't last, can it?"

"You're asking me? I never thought you could stand against Michael."

"And you were right. Eventually, I gave in."

"Not to our Michael and to the other one, only to save Sam and Jack."

"You say that like any of it makes a difference. The reasons don't matter."

"Your reasons are all that matter."

"I'm weak, fallible, unreliable … "

"Human."

"That too."

"And she wants human. I understand that. I chose human too and to answer the question you withdrew, what Jules and I have is forever, whether or not the two of us are." For a time there was silence, then Cas said, "How many times a day do you tell yourself it can't work?"

"Too many. Way too many." said Dean, "What am I doing, dragging her into this mess?"

"How, exactly are you dragging her anywhere? I thought she went into your shower."

"She did and I had the chance to throw her straight back out or to eplain why it was a terrible idea. I didn't have to respond the way I did,"

"No, you didn't. You chose to. Consider your past deeds. You idn't want an apocalypse, so we didn't have one. You hated Lucifer and Lucifer is no more. Now you want one simple, tiny thing for yourself. If you want it enough, it can't fail."

"I wanted to keep Sam from demonic entanglements. He got entangled. I wanted to keep him alive. He's died nearly as often as I have."

"Never stayed dead." Cas reminded him, "And these days, I have more demonic connections than he does."

"I know it sounds like I'm giving up on this thing, but I'm not."

"I know you're not. If you were, it would be over. It was the same with me over Jules. I wanted to be with her, but it felt impossible. It felt wrong even to want it. Sometimes, it still does. But I keep trying. I keep believing. A good friend of mine told me I deserved to be happy."

"You do."

"So I'm repaying the favour. I'm telling you, whatever doubts you have, whatever circular arguments against it you're cycling through in your head, you deserve this and so does she. I mean, I worked hard to come to terms with your relationship. The least you can do is make it worth the effort."

Dean watched his friend's face. It hadn't been easy for Cas to overcome his initial horror, but he had done so, out of love for them. He'd say anything now, to help them, anything he thought might push Dean in the direction of a happily ever after, even if it hurt him.

"Don't." said Cas.

"Mind link?"

"Mind link." Cas confirmed.

"Are you sure you really want me to be with her?"

"Dean, I was scared, for both of you. Everything I said, I said out of fear. You've been through enough, that's all. I was stupid."

"You're never stupid."

"Is that why you call me dumbass all the time?"

"That's because I'm stupid and a crappy friend."

"You've never been that."

"Really? Because I could come up with fifteen separate occasions without even thinking."

"Still the best friend I ever had."

"You've had some terrible friends."

Cas smiled reluctantly. "True."

There seemed to be nothing to say, so they said nothing and Dean tried to keep his random bursts of anxiety from crossing the mind link. He knew that was part of the problem, of all his problems, that he couldn't be fully open and honest, even to those he loved most. But then, it wasn't always a good idea. He'd intended to ask for advice and had only caused pain.

This was how his relationships with angels always went. Why did he think for a moment it could be better with Anael? He knew he had let that slip through when Cas fixed him with a steady gaze and said, "None of this is real, Dean. You're not who you think. You're not a bad friend and Anael isn't the type to make mistakes, not about people."

"She tried to kill us all."

"Not technically a mistake. She had a good reason."

"Good?" said Dean in disbelief.

"Well, rational, to an angel." said Cas.

"Well, I hope she sees it as a mistake now."

"I know she regrets it."

"I wish I did. Angels can be hard to read, you know?"

"And generally not worth the effort." said Cas. It was hard to tell if he were serious.

"I didn't say that." He hoped he hadn't thought it. It didn't sound like him.

"I should have called her back here. When she's here, you believe in the relationship."

"I do now. I know she loves me. I just don't know that she always will or even that she always should."

"But you love to gamble."

"No, Cas, I like to hustle. Very different thing."